


Konosuba: Evil's Science Project on This Wicked World

by 0neSw00dGuy



Category: Xiaolin Showdown (Cartoon), この素晴らしい世界に祝福を! | KonoSuba: God's Blessing on this Wonderful World! - All Media Types
Genre: Action/Adventure, Bad Guys Rule And Good Guys Drool, Being Evil Is Too Much Fun, Bisexual Jack, But he's still a nerdy dork at heart, Cartoons Meet Anime, Characterization is my bread and butter, Drama, He can be quite the potty mouth when he wants to, Hormones, How Do I Tag, Humor, Jack Has Issues, Jack being Jack, Magic and Science, Multi, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, POV First Person, POV Multiple, Post-Canon (Xiaolin Showdown), Potty mouths in general, Self-Doubt, Slight Canon Divergence (Konosuba), The Inner Machinations Of Jack's Mind Are An Enigma, Trust Issues, Unfiltered Jack, What is this a crossover episode?, Why Did I Write This?, teenage angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-03
Updated: 2021-03-02
Packaged: 2021-03-10 16:41:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 99,191
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28210308
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/0neSw00dGuy/pseuds/0neSw00dGuy
Summary: Jack has been kicked down more times than he cares to admit. He's been deemed a failure by the forces of good and evil alike. So when fate comes knocking on the door and presents him a chance to redeem himself, will he take it? Heck yeah he's gonna take it! That Fantasy World ain't gonna conquer itself. If only these three girls shared his sentiments...
Relationships: Jack Spicer & Aqua, Jack Spicer & Darkness | Lalatina Dustiness Ford, Jack Spicer & Megumin, Raimundo Pedrosa/Kimiko Tohomiko, Satou Kazuma & Yunyun
Comments: 21
Kudos: 36





	1. A Step in the Wrong Direction

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the events of Xiaolin Showdown, Jack decides to step out of the ring and forge his own path. He just didn't factor his untimely demise into the equation.

Greetings, future minions! It is I: Jack Spicer, Evil Teen Genius (and former Evil _Boy_ Genius)! I also accept Prince of Darkness, Tsar of Destruction, King of Taunts, and Master of Evil as alternative titles.

Unless you've been living under a rock, it's likely you've heard of my infamous name. I am pretty well-known in the villain circle, after all. As for my goals in life, well, it's fairly simple, really: I want to rule the world with an iron fist and look wickedly cool while doing it.

But first, my tragic backstory. When did I come to realize my dream of establishing a new world order? Well, I had my not-so-humble beginnings in the second grade on Career Day. I remember it like it was nine years ago…

I wasn't interested in any of the boring normal jobs being presented at my school. Not like I could pursue any of them even if I really wanted to; Mom and Dad were basically setting me up to take on the family business ever since I was a zygote.

But I wanted to do something on my own, something nobody else has ever succeeded in, something unique. So, when I got called up in front of the class to say what I wanted to be when I grew up, I proudly stated that I wanted to be THE RULER OF THE EARTH!

My classmates only responded with laughter. Easily the second most humiliating day of my life.

Let's move on before I get the urge to make voodoo dolls of my old elementary school peers.

As you can likely infer through deductive reasoning, I didn't exactly have much in the way of friends throughout my childhood. My assumption is not too many kids wanted to hang out with a guy who looks like the living dead. It's not my fault I was born an albino with dark red eyes and bright red hair for some baffling reason. Yeah, don't waste your breath asking me how that's scientifically possible. I may be a genius, but I'm not omniscient.

And what's even stranger is my family's never had any history with albinism either. It seems as though I was just unlucky enough to get it by chance. Apparently, my bizarre genetic disorder tends to put some people off.

But it's not like I needed friends, anyhow! I had TV and video games to keep me company!

Yeah, I had ways of distracting myself from the crippling loneliness. Besides, I wouldn't be half the man I am today without those two mediums in my early life. Whenever I was watching a cartoon or kicking butt in a video game, I couldn't help but form a certain attachment to the villains. Not only did I admire how freakin' cool they looked, but I also related to how they were mistreated and overlooked by society. So, in retaliation, they would fight back against the system and rise their way to the top where they deserved to be.

It wasn't too uncommon to hear me boo at the heroes whenever they showed up on screen to thwart the villains' master plans.

Another thing that always fascinated me was anything that had robots in them: Star Wars, Portal 2, Sonic, Fallout, Terminator – heck, even Battle for Bikini Bottom, a freakin' _SpongeBob_ game, had some pretty sick robot designs. Stuff like that is what ultimately inspired me to study up on robotics, which gave rise to my very own personalized army of JackBots!

Never underestimate the influential power of entertainment media, kids.

So yeah, it was just me and the bots…Oh, and occasionally my folks too. As the two current CEOs of Spicer Industries, the world's most untouchable multinational conglomerate next to Disney, they would often be away on business trips while leaving me at home. It kinda sucked – but hey, at least being the son of neglectful, yet wealthy, parents means I got to make bank on a whole lotta guilt money.

I guess after years of flying in a never-ending loop of business trips, they figured it would be more convenient to live "closer to work" so to speak. As such, we said goodbye to America and moved to where Spicer Industries' HQ was located: China.

Have I already mentioned how I come from a long line of shady businessmen and women? I may not care much about the family company, but I am proud of where I get my underhanded traits from.

Even though my reputation didn't exactly improve by being the only albino exchange student in a Chinese school, at least the mansion we were living in had a sweet basement to convert into my own evil lair! Besides, school was overrated for the naturally gifted.

With a brand-new lab and an ever-growing legion of mechanical soldiers, it seemed like the perfect time to execute my plans for world domination!

…

But then I just had to go open that stupid puzzle box and let out the spirit of a fifteen-hundred-year-old witch named Wuya to sweet talk me into collecting magically quirky artifacts called Shen Gong Wu. That sounded rad at first, but she never said anything about fighting crazy monk warriors with powers over the four basic elements!

Would've been really handy to know that little tidbit from the start ya hovering old hag!

I digress. What I'm trying to say here is that this whole treasure hunt has been nothing more than a juggling act between gaining Wu and losing Wu. I needed an escape; something to get me out of this Xiaolin-Heylin war that I had unknowingly gotten myself dragged into.

Who knew my ticket out would come in the form of my death?

* * *

I found myself sweating like a pig as I exerted what little muscle power I had into unscrewing the bolts in JB-B2U1532's chest cavity. I hate sweating, it's not something Earth's tyrannical overlord should have to do.

Okay, _future_ tyrannical overlord, but I've already got that position on lockdown. No reason to be modest about it.

Either way, this blows. Lady Luck decided it would be real funny to throw a wrench into my perfect weekend plans. Speaking of which, where did I place my wrench anyhow? It'd make this job of loosening these bolts a heck of a lot easier. The claw on the back of this hammer is not doing it for me.

Anyway, I first wanted to start my perfect weekend off by reliving nostalgic cartoons I grew up with while eating a bowl of Lucky Charms (ironic, I know).

Then, I was gonna lock myself up in my master bedroom and browse through my massive library of video games. I may be an evildoer dedicated to his work, but that doesn't mean I skimp out on gaming.

I've got consoles ranging from 80's arcade machines so drenched in neon colors that your eyes will bleed, to never-before-seen early demo prototypes. I have both retro games and games that haven't even hit the store shelves yet. You can be jealous now.

And how would I end my small vacation away from evil? Why, I'd camp inside my theater room and host a sci-fi movie marathon for the bots as we all make witty commentary throughout each film.

But since the universe doesn't want me to have any fun apparently, I can't do any of that stuff. 'Cuz now I have to spend the rest of the weekend repairing my poor babies. Lemme explain:

I was halfway through my cereal and an episode of Invader Zim when Wuya nagged me to death about a Wu that recently activated. After the colossal failure of the all-out Heylin assault on the Xiaolin temple, that literal witch approached me requesting to reform our rocky partnership "for old times' sake".

I knew her well enough at that point to know when she was trying to butter me up. She had no real interest in playing mentor with me again. I suspected she wanted to see if I was so desperate for companionship that I'd be willing to bring her back in even after all the betrayals prior. If so, she was right.

It's a moot point either way because, guess what? I was right to be suspicious about her. Predictably, she dumped me like yesterday's garbage after my third loss against Raimundo Pedrosa, the Monks' recently anointed leader. Although really, the Showdown he issued was rigged from the start. I mean – c'mon – a race through Rio de Janeiro on speeding carnival floats while spinning saucers on sticks!? That's inhuman! Not to mention he had the home-field advantage!

By the time I had finished painting a marshmallow-y rainbow onto the pavement, the Showdown was already over, and the Monks robbed me of the Monkey Staff. Now this infuriates me for two very distinct reasons.

1) It was my favorite Wu I had in the vault.

2) It was the _only_ Wu I had in the vault!

The flight back home was so thick with tension, you could practically cut it with a knife and make it bleed. The second I stepped foot into my lab, Wuya really let me have it; any droplet of patience she had before was completely evaporated by her fury.

She screeched about how I was relying too much on my "clunky" robots and that I wasn't training like a proper warrior.

Defending my pride and passion for robotics, I stood my ground for once and told her right in her face that I would never stop using my JackBots to help me fight my battles.

I had to pick myself up from getting aggressively flung back into a shelf, but it was totally worth it.

Wuya stormed out of the house and once again left me to my own devices, figuratively and literally. On her way out, she also made sure I heard her snide remark on how Chase Young can poke harder than I can punch.

Chase...

That name and person associated with it made me lose focus, accidentally damaging the servomotors in JB-B2U1532's right arm. I had an epiphany a while back regarding the Chinese warlord and ex-Xiaolin monk. After all the threats, insults, beatings, and time spent serving under him as his pity apprentice, I finally pulled my head out of the clouds and realized something.

He's a jerk.

I get that's kinda par for the course in the race for world domination, but that isn't an excuse for poor evil sportsmanship! I used to worship that man as my idol, you know. I aspired to be exactly like him one day. Whenever he dropped by unannounced to observe a Showdown, I would push past my normal limits in a heated moment of passion for him and only him.

There was a time where I could confidently say that, yes, I was crushing on him hard. How could I not? He single-handedly made being evil sexy as all get out!

But now I know better; he's nothing more than a playground bully who just so happens to be immortal.

So, about a week prior, I paid a little visit to Chase's crib. I swallowed my fears, grew a pair, and finally called him out on all his crap. It wasn't till halfway through my stammered monologue that I began to really get into it, down to the point where I was straight-up ranting. Three years' worth of repressed frustration came out all at once, and I didn't go easy on him.

Surprisingly, Chase actually complimented me on my bravery after all was said and done. However, that wasn't enough to spare me from the wrath of his jungle cats.

Needless to say, I cut off all ties with him shortly after I crawled my way back home.

Which brings us back to the present. With my cereal soggy, Wu taken, and bots destroyed, my perfect weekend plans were a total bust. Now it's just me hunkered down in the lab painstakingly rebuilding Attack Squad Sigma as fast as humanly possible.

And the cherry on top of it all? SOMEONE ATE THE LAST PUDDING CUP!

I flung the inappropriate tool all the way across the other side of the basement, not even caring if the resonating clang meant something got damaged.

"Damn it! How is an evil genius supposed to get any work down around here when he's got pudding on the brain!? Betcha Wuya snagged the last one on the way out. I wouldn't put it past her, the bitch."

Contrary to popular belief, yes, I am capable of cussing. I've picked up on all kinds of vulgar words, I've just been restraining myself from letting them slip out near others for some stupid reason. It's only recently that I decided to simply not give a rat's ass anymore. So what if impressionable ears pick up on my foul mouth? Let the minds of the youth get corrupted, I don't give a fuck!

I released an agonizing sigh while rubbing my face in, pushing my goggles back up to my forehead in the process. When the up-close smell of oil-laced fingers became too much even for me, I slammed my head on the workbench and went silent.

For a while, I contemplated spending the rest of my life staring blankly at the softly illuminated grid lines.

Jesus – what am I even doing? Getting upset over my Saturday not going as intended? What am I, five? No, I'm sixteen and practically living on my own! I'm so close to making a breakthrough in world conquest, yet here I am: letting my emotions control me. C'mon, Jack, you're an evil supervillain. Supervillains don't throw a hissy fit over having a crappy week!

…

Goddamnit, Spicer, don't you dare fucking cry. You already had your monthly outburst when the Monks pummeled you over the Mikado Arms, you don't need to make it bimonthly. It's already embarrassing enough that you've been branded as a crybaby by both good and evil, you'll only be proving their point if you turn on the waterworks now!

Don't cry. Don't cry. DO NOT CRY. **DON'T FUCKING- -**

"Heeeeey! It's the hard-working man of the hour using his extraordinary gifts to fix us lowly machines! Who needs an ordinary life when you're Jack Spicer, Master of Evil?"

A cheery voice snapped me out of my trance. I raised my head and glanced behind me to see who it was. The faintest smile crept its way onto my lips when I found myself looking back at YesBot, a blonde robot butler I designed to have a sunny smile and matching disposition. I was long overdue on rebuilding him after he exploded, and he's proven to be the most supportive companion I've ever had. Which is more than I can say for Bitch Witch and Lizard Breath.

"Thanks, YB, I…I really needed someone to remind me of that. Heh..."

The humanoid automaton rested his gloved hand on my shoulder. He toned down the upbeat optimism in his vocal patterns before continuing.

"That's why you built me, Jacko. I understand you didn't have the greatest childhood growing up, but let it be known that the other bots and I will always be there to support you. In the best of times, and in the worst of times, we'll be there to pick you up when you're down. Count on it!"

Thank my genius for inventing emotion chips.

I don't normally do hugs, but I was more than willing to make an exception this time. So much so that I even disregarded the sacred 3-second rule.

We did eventually let go, and I felt as though my self-esteem had been restored to its former glory. All in a day's work for YesBot.

"I knew you were a thrilling work of genius the moment I installed your power cells."

"Yes, yes you did! Right as always!"

I nodded and turned around to get back to work, this time in much better spirits than before. But then I realized I had chucked the only tool I had on me somewhere in my labyrinth of an evil lair. Before I could begin searching for it, however, a stay-at-home JackBot appeared beside me with the hammer I flung!

Along with a distracting dent in his helmet…

"Oh! Heheh, uh, whoops. Sorry 'bout that, JB-0V32W47CH. Here, let me replace that for ya."

I accepted the hammer the bot brought me while unscrewing his disc-shaped helmet and tossing it aside. As I perused a nearby shelf lined with robot armor pieces, YesBot continued to converse.

"So, Jack Meister baby, as much as I admire your passion for all that is evil, why not just kick your feet up and watch something on the boob tube for a while? You've been working nonstop for the past couple of days, I wouldn't want you to crash and burn on me. How else will I be able to fulfill my programming of kissing up to you then?"

JB-0V32W47CH beeped graciously after I finished screwing on a new helmet for him and hovered away to continue supervising the equipment. I turned to address YesBot's well-meaning but annoying concerns.

"YB, I'm hearing ya, I appreciate you looking out for my health…but you're not my mom, alright? And even if you were her, I still wouldn't listen. She and Dad are gone so often, I might as well be the owner of this house. If they can't be bothered to put in the effort of raising their little monster, then I can't be bothered to obey their rules. I'm my own man, I can do whatever I want."

For a split-second, I could've sworn I saw YesBot furrow his mechanical eyebrows in an attempt at worry. But then again, my eyesight isn't the best and the basement is decently dark, so it was probably just my imagination.

"Read you loud and clear, Boss-Man! After all, you know you better than anyone else!"

I lazily hummed in response and went back to my repairs. After a while of ripping out damaged parts and stacking them to one side, my stomach demanded food. The only thing I could think to eat at the moment was my box of Lucky Charms, but I didn't really feel like snacking on cold cereal right now.

I asked YB if he happened to have any refreshments other than pudding to provide.

"Ooo, I am terribly sorry about that, Master Jack! It appears that my hammerspace snack module needs to be restocked once more! So terribly sorry for the inconvenience!"

Great, not just out of pudding but out of junk food entirely. This day can bite me.

"Tell me something I don't know..."

"The U.S. Supreme Court has its own private basketball court aptly named 'The Highest Court in the Land'."

"…I actually didn't know that. And I'm supposed to be the basketball pro here. How'd you know that?"

"I learned about it online while I was taking my scheduled break. I find facts to be a great conversation starter!"

"Huh, the more you know."

As much as I wanted to look into this, I had shit to do. I carefully weighed my options, and after getting sidetracked a few times thinking about basketball, I eventually came up with a reasonable battle plan.

"I know, I'll go to Hong Kong and pick up some more pudding! Besides, I need to fly down there anyway and convince a certain panda-themed crime boss to give me another loan. I need to order more spare parts for the boys and orichalcum ain't a cheap metal alloy you know."

YesBot snapped finger guns my way and praised me with all his programming.

"Freaking A! Shall I inform the GuardBots of your departure?"

"Go ahead. Don't let anyone in the house unless it's my parents coming home from their subsidiary proposition overseas."

I still can't believe they're actually trying to buy the rights to Tohomiko Electronics. I can only pray that Kimiko doesn't cook me alive the next time we have a Showdown against one another.

My favorite robot butler hovered away into the depths of my dimly lit lair, the only lights available coming from the menacing glow of computer monitors and bulbs from various contraptions I've built over the years. I made my way down into the hanger bay and hopped into my sleek new hover jet, warming up the systems for launch.

After launching myself out the hanger doors, I stole a quick glance back at Spicer Mansion before kicking the jet into full throttle. Little did I know that would be the last I ever saw of my home.

* * *

"Stupid Pandabubba, what a bloated fuckface..."

I was weaving my way through the densely populated streets of Victoria Harbour. The lights from the elevated skyscrapers made the harbor shine to contrast the nighttime overcast. It was already beginning to drizzle as I did my best not to bump into anyone while gripping my bag of store-bought pudding cups.

Really, I should've known better than to make a deal with Hong Kong's criminal underworld kingpin, especially considering he's already conned me twice in the past. But I didn't have much of a choice given that I spent the last of my monthly allowance restocking my essential junk food supply. That means I had to drop to my knees and beg that living tub of lard for another loan.

However, with no Shen Gong Wu to use as collateral, Pandabubba was reluctant. Though he did come up with a way for me to cover the debt. It's the very reason why I was walking home instead of flying.

The mobster didn't really seem to care at all that the hover jet was literally my only ride home. If anything, he took delight out of seeing me squirm for reconsideration. And since my HeliBot was on the fritz from having it slammed into a shelf (a _tool_ shelf I might add), I had no means of flying home.

Oh, and did I forget to mention that my house was located far away in the countryside!?

"Man, does evil have its struggles. But that doesn't mean I'm ready to throw in the towel just yet! Whenever there's a nefarious scheme to be hatched or a good guy who needs a good kick in the pants, I'll be the one to do it, baby!"

In fact, I've been thinking about something recently. Maybe I would be better off just dropping out this whole Shen Gong Wu fetch quest. When you really stop to think it over, this fool's errand has only been delaying my grand master plan instead of speeding it along. The more I dwell on it, the more I realize I could've ruled the world years ago had I just stuck to my guns.

"Besides, who needs magical antiques when you've got science and sick, killer robots on your side? I am Jack-freaking-Spicer, baby, the Earth is putty in my hands! It's just me, myself, and I against the world; I'm the only friend I'll ever need! I'll show 'em, I'll show 'em all who I am and what I'm made of! So long, Xiaolin Losers! See ya, Chase Young! Hasta la vista, Wuya! It's high time I get back to the drawing board! I believe this calls for a celebratory evil laugh for sinister things to come."

However, before I could divulge my trademark evil laugh with the citizens of Hong Kong, I noticed something strange out of the corner of my eye.

It looked like a girl crossing the road and…

"Wait a minute, is that – is that truck gonna stop!?"

To this day, I still don't understand what possessed me to act so out of character that night. I mean, a bona fide bad guy playing the role of hero for no rhyme or reason? It's illogical.

Regardless of what disease I had caught, I dropped my bag, knocked over the idiots hogging the sidewalk, pushed the girl out of the way…

And then everything went black.

…

Until my eyes shot wide open.

The first thing I did upon regaining consciousness was to protect my face with my arms and shriek in craze-fueled terror.

Upon realizing that there was no truck with my name on it, I eventually took the time to notice something off about my surroundings.

It didn't look like I was anywhere in a hospital. Or anywhere on planet Earth for that matter. Or just anywhere in general _._

I found myself sitting on a simple wooden chair facing a white, fancier chair with a matching nightstand. From what I could tell, I was in the middle of a void with endless black as far as the eye could see. The only other noteworthy detail about this place was the checker-patterned floor with a light mist covering it.

Other than the absentee of floating Chinese characters, this area, if that even is the right word for it, bore a strikingly eerie similarity to the Ying-Yang World.

Seriously, what the actual hell was happening?

"Oh – I know! This must be a bad dream! I must've made it back home, helped myself to some pudding, and now I'm suffering from a food-induced nightmare. It wouldn't be the first time this has happened from eating too much processed chocolate."

But if this was a dream, as I had just hypothesized, then why weren't my pinches waking me up? I was ready to start slapping myself silly when a serene, feminine voice broke through the uncomfortable dull hum of the void.

"Spicer John, welcome to the afterlife."

I turned my head around and, lo and behold, there was another living person here. As the stranger emerged from the darkness, I could see that it was indeed a girl judging by the voice from earlier.

Actually, describing her simply as "a girl" wouldn't do her justice. She was a fine example of a lady, and one who didn't look too far off from my age no less.

It was weird, she gave off this immense aura of…divinity. Kinda the same as Wuya's, but pleasantly sweet instead of sickeningly gut-wrenching.

Her hair was light blue, with a loop cropped up on the top by a hair clip shaped like a water molecule funnily enough. Her outfit consisted of a navy-blue vest, detached white sleeves, a ridiculously short miniskirt with a transparent underskirt, dark blue boots that went up to her knees, and white tube socks. She also had this translucent pink scarf of some kind wrapped under shoulders too.

She sauntered past me, and that's when I made a startling discovery.

She wasn't wearing underwear…

Or, maybe she was, and the lighting made them blend into the shadows of her derriere. Either way, that discovery combined with her supernatural beauty was making a certain "lab assistant" of mine very happy downstairs.

Hey, don't judge me! I'm an albino who's had both sides of the playing field avoid him like he was the plague, alright!? Cut me some slack.

The blue-colored beauty sat on the white throne and crossed her leg over the other. Not sure whether I should feel thankful or teased.

"Your life was quite short. And now you are quite dead. My condolences."

"Oh, I see. I'm dead. Well, I guess that makes sense."

…

"I'M DEAD?!"

The delivery was so sudden for me, I knocked over the chair I sprang out of and started pacing all around while rambling in hysteria.

"No, no, no, this can't be happening to me! I thought the good were supposed to die young, not the evil too! I had so much I wanted to do with my life! I never got to fall in love, I never got to rule the world! There are still so many robots that I have yet to – MY BABIES! They'll power down and rust away without daddy to run maintenance checks on them- -"

I tripped over my chair and fell flat on my face. I looked up to see if that heavenly hottie was still there. She had a bored expression on her face as if she's seen this song and dance before.

"You finished?"

I picked myself up off the ground and brushed my coat, acting as if she hadn't seen me freak out just then. Now that I had some time to take in the fact that I was no longer among the living, I decided now would be a good time as any to start asking some questions.

"Hang on, what about the girl I pushed out of the way of the truck? Didn't she die too?"

"No, she's fine. In fact, she would've been fine even if you hadn't pushed her out of the way."

"…Huh?"

"Yeah, trucks stopped at red lights don't really pose much of a threat."

"Wait, wait, wait, time out for a sec. If the truck was stationary, and I didn't get run over, then how the hell did I die?"

"Oh, that's easy: you died of shock."

"What!?"

"You were so convinced you were gonna become that trucker's latest hood ornament, your brain promptly seized up and then you had a heart attack."

The blue thing's unreadable expression quickly shattered as she went hysterical. I just stood there and watched, dumbfounded.

" _Pfftt – hahahahahahaha!_ You were so scared, you peed yourself in the process! The girl you pushed away had to hold in her snickering as she called for an ambulance! And when the doctors were writing down the cause of your death, they went into a riot! _Kukuku!_ "

I covered my ears; I didn't want to hear any of this.

"I'm not listening, la-la-la-LAAA!"

She suddenly invaded my personal bubble, though I was too distraught at the moment to properly process it.

"The doctors had to phone your parents and tell them the cause of your death. Even they were laughing."

"NOOO! You're lying! This is not funny, I'm dead for crying out loud!"

The Crayola bitch eventually composed herself as her chuckles finally subsided.

"Alright, I think I've vented enough stress. Seriously, out of all the humans I've ever met, you're the only one who died in such a bizarre manner!"

Just who the hell does this chick think she is?

Well, I'd get an answer to my question soon enough as she cleared her throat and resumed her "professionalism".

"Back to business. I am the goddess Aqua. Yes, _the_ goddess Aqua in charge of guiding adolescents who die in Asia to the afterlife. I present to thee a choice: either be reincarnated back on Earth or allow me to send you to Heaven."

The girl, now known as Aqua, looked from side to side to see as if to see if anybody was watching her. She covered one side of her mouth in order to speak more discreetly about something.

"But I gotta tell ya, you'll be a bit disappointed with the latter."

"But why?"

This is Heaven we're talking about. The Promised Land, Valhalla, whatever you wanna call it. I know I didn't really believe in any of that stuff before, but I also didn't believe in ghosts and magic until a few years back. Besides, at least it's not H–E–Double Hockey Sticks.

"Yeah, you see, Heaven isn't as grand of a place as you humans like to imagine it. Your soul essentially floats around freely in a sea of clouds. Nothing much to do except talk to others and bask in the sunlight for all eternity. There's no TV, video games, manga, food..."

Aqua shifted the tone of her voice into a seductive whisper as she puckered her lips before continuing.

"And since everyone is incorporeal…you can't have sex or do anything even remotely kinky."

"Are you sure you're talking about Heaven and not my eternal damnation? Because it seems to me that the line between the two is starting to blur."

"Trust me, you're not the first to think that. Now then! I suppose I could have your soul reincarnated into a monkey or something like that, but it kinda sucks to forget all about your previous life, doesn't it?"

Aqua got out of my face and flashed a confident grin my way.

"That's why I've got a special deal for you. You look pale and look like you haven't slept in years; you play video games a lot?"

"Is a blue hedgehog's favorite food chili dogs?"

"Yeah, but what does that got to do with anything?"

"…"

Did not expect her to be a gamer.

"Yes, I play video games a lot."

"Oh! Well then why didn't you just say so? Use some common sense."

Noob.

A spotlight coming from nowhere shined onto Aqua as she dramatically explained her proposal in a clearly rehearsed fashion.

"There exists a world filled to the brim with magic and wonder. However, in the midst of all that joy exists a tyrannical monster: The Devil King! Peace and prosperity are being threatened, and everyone lives in fear as the Devil King's army slaughters, rapes, pillages, and...more...slaughters!"

Was she having a stroke or what? Can gods even have a stroke? How would that even work? Why do males have nipples if they virtually serve no purpose?

"…Basically, if you've ever played a JRPG or MMO before, you'll have a keen grasp on what to do. Most people are too scared to risk getting killed twice, so they just opt to go to Heaven. As such, the world's population is on the decline. But on the plus side, you get to keep your old memories and body. Not only that, but you also get to have a sort of 'cheat' to take with you. It could be a magic sword, a special power, or whatever you can make up. I'd say it's a pretty sweet deal all things considered. So, whaddya say, Jack?"

I tuned back into reality and only now did I realize I hadn't been paying much attention.

"Sorry, I zoned out for a second. What were you saying?"

She facepalmed before watering down her speech in an annoyed tone.

"Fantasy World: good and happy. Devil King: mean and bad. You: go down there with MacGuffin and kick his butt to receive a wish by the gods. Did you get all that or do I have to simplify it even more for you, space cadet?"

"Oooohhhh, okay then. I just have one question. Well actually, I have a thousand questions, but this one is more important. What about the language barrier? I practically had to stick my face in a travel dictionary just to get by living in Asia."

The goddess skipped to her throne and opened a drawer in the nightstand next to it. She pulled out a book of sorts and flipped to a page that had a bookmark in it. She skipped back on over to me and placed it in my hands.

As I carefully read through the contents of the chapter, Aqua offered me her cliff notes.

"We gods already have you covered in the language department. The nanosecond you step into the Fantasy World, your brain will get overloaded with all the knowledge of the spoken and written language. Though there is a small chance your brain won't handle it and you'll go poof – but that's rare!"

"What was that about me going 'poof'?"

"Look, do you wanna go or do you wanna sit around and play Twenty Questions?"

Well, things certainly got a whole lot more interesting. I'll admit, Aqua did a commendable job of hooking me into the idea of reincarnating me into what is essentially a video game world. Even though I'm more of a sci-fi fanatic, I can get down with being bestowed an OP MacGuffin by a hot goddess (no matter how pretentious).

Plu~us, if I can kill this Satan wannabe and get a free wish out of it, then I can wish to take his place and become the new Devil Queen! No Xiaolin Losers to stop me!

Man, I wanna laugh maniacally so hard right now. However, doing that with a goddess present might come off as suspicious; I don't want to do anything that might ruin my chances of getting in.

I'll just keep it in my head for the time being. _BwahahahahahahaHAAA!_

"It's a deal, sister!"

* * *

"Hey, hurry it up. I don't have all eternity. Well, I do, but I don't want to spend it with you."

Aqua muttered something cryptically similar to something Wuya once said to me through a mouthful of potato chips. She had been sitting on her ass for about half an hour munching on junk food while I sorted through all of the written cheats to choose from on the floor.

"You're not the only human I need to send off, y'know. I got an hourly quota I need to surpass and you're holding up the line. You're just some self-absorbed otaku who spends his free time cooped up inside all day. It's not like anything you pick will matter."

"Let the mastermind concentrate here, woman…"

"Don't gimme no lip! You should know better than to speak so rudely to a divine immortal, human!"

I felt something small bounce off my head as I carried on with my business. I think she might have thrown a potato chip at me. It doesn't matter, she's just a small steppingstone on the path to my victory. Once I select my blessing, I'll never have to see her again.

Besides, I've heard better insults coming from Wuya and Chase. Now those are two immortals that could easily kick this one's ass. Her fine…round…plump ass…

A-anyway, it was only taking so long to choose because there were simply too many options to choose from. I started out with a basic system of placing the contracts in either a "maybe" pile or a "no way Jose" pile. Half an hour goes by, and all the contracts I sorted through ended up finding themselves in my "maybe" pile!

Also, let's not forget to mention that some of these powers and items are totally ripping off certain Shen Gong Wu. Don't believe me? Here's the description of some of these cheats verbatim:

 _A sacred sword that allows the wielder to bend the wind at their command._ That's just the Sword of the Storm.

 _A light, casual shirt disguised as nigh-invulnerable chest armor._ Can you say the Two-Ton Tunic?

 _A flying, papier-mâché dragon as a rideable companion._ The Longi Kite in a nutshell.

 _The ability to predict your enemies' every move._ The Mind Reader Conch has already got that on lockdown.

All these abilities and items are just bootlegs of Shen Gong Wu!

Or...is it the Wu that are the bootlegs of these abilities and items?

Perhaps there are some things we are not meant to know, like whether the chicken or the egg came first.

As cool as all these options seemed, I wanted something nobody else would think of. What's the last thing one would expect from a teenager in a pseudo-medieval fantasy land to have?

The power of technology! The perfect skill I excel at!

"Alright, I've got my own custom cheat I'd like to take with me!"

Aqua put the chips aside and spoke in a flat tone.

"Oh joy. This ought to be good and not at all overpowered. Fine, what is it?"

"Get ready for this, I call it 'Sandbox Mode". I want it to be an ability where I can spawn all the necessary tools and equipment I need to make robots and other machinery."

"Done."

I blinked. "That's it?"

"Yup. You get your blessing once I send you to the Fantasy World."

"Oh...Weeeell, don't I at least get some starting gold or something?"

"Yeah, I guess you're right."

Aqua sighed as she unenthusiastically rose out of her seat and magically spawned a small pouch in her hand, presumably filled with gold coins. I excitedly rushed over to pluck it out of her hand. Before I could collect my booty, however, she raised it above my reach with a sly smirk on her face.

"I'll only give this to you if you promise to say, 'Thank you for your kindness, Aqua-sama~'."

Really? You're making me beg like a dog? Also, I died in China, not Japan. And I'm American!

"You can't make me!"

My cry of indignation only served to amuse the water-themed goddess even further as she retaliated back.

"Just for that, you now have to say, 'I'm so sorry for disrespecting you, Aqua-senpai. I'm just a foolish little boy who doesn't know any better'."

I've had enough of this.

I threw myself at her as we both rolled around on the floor, slapping one another and pulling at each other's hair. Sometime during our scuffle, there was a ray of light accompanied by a disembodied angelic choir that made us freeze in place. It was especially awkward for me because Aqua was halfway to pinning me down, and thus, she was sitting right on top of my stomach.

To detract the blood from rushing down south, I occupied my eyes by examining the apparent newcomer: an actual fucking angel, wings and all. But no halo, though, so I'm assuming it's not of the Christian variety. She had peach-colored hair, a pink dress that was somewhat skimpy, and a warm smile that could melt the hearts of even the most hardened of criminals.

That is, of course, except for my greedy black heart. 'Cuz I'm a criminal mastermind.

Her pleasant smile suddenly turned into a confused frown when she witnessed us roughhousing on the floor.

"Aqua-senpai, is everything alright?"

"Stay out of this, rookie! I'm trying to ship this whiny bozo off to a grand adventure!"

"I'M NOT WHINY!"

Without warning, Aqua and I were both separated by an unseen force and each trapped within a glowing magic circle of unknown design. Obviously unexpected by the sudden turn of events, Aqua lashed out at the angel who now had this threatening aura about her. No joke, she looked like she was about ready to slaughter her at the drop of a hat.

"Aeris, what's your deal!? What is this?!"

The murderous angel, Aeris, answered slowly and meticulously with venom dripping from her words.

"I have just returned from a meeting with the Council of Heaven. You were the subject matter of our little discussion, _senpai._ Your frequent mistreatment and harassment of departed souls has been tolerated for long enough. I am now reassigned to guide humans who pass on in Asia to the afterlife once more."

"WHAT!? If the meeting was about me, then how come I wasn't invited to defend myself? I wasn't even made aware of it!"

"If I'm being brutally honest, Aqua, we knew our words would never reach through that thick skull of yours. It seems the only way for you to learn your lesson is if you learn it the hard way. As such, the Council of Heaven agreed a fitting punishment for you would be to adventure with the next human you meet. Think of this as your redemption. Should you and this young man succeed in your quest to vanquish the Devil King and his army, you may return to the council and have your position of guiding departed souls back."

Aqua banged on the invisible barrier surrounding her and started blubbering.

"Nooo! You bitch! I'm your senior, you're ranked lower than me! Why do I have to go with this clown!?"

"Hey, uh, still in the room over here."

Aqua had rivers of tears streaming down her face as she begged Aeris to reconsider. C'mon, at least I had the dignity to hold in my tears when trying the same thing on Pandabubba.

"No, you can't do this to me, you can't! I'm a healer, not a fighter! I won't last a day all by myseeeeeelf!"

"Fare thee well, young travelers. I pray your journey will be an eventful one!"

Aeris beseeched us goodbye as we began to rise up into the air. I glanced over at the lame excuse for a goddess with a smirk and gloated:

"Looks like this is karma for all the mean stuff you said to me earlier. Let this be a lesson for ya: don't mess with Jack Spicer!"

Aqua and I teleported out of Purgatory in an enveloping glow, with her crying her eyes out and me laughing maniacally the whole way through.


	2. The Obligatory Tutorial Section

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With a fresh start and a completely alien world on the horizon, Jack is ready to dominate all! But, like with most new games, there's that pesky tutorial part that can't be glossed over. Oh, and Aqua's there too I guess...

When I opened my eyes, I had to immediately squint them due to the bright intensity of the sunlight beaming down on my pale face.

What the heck? Hong Kong's weather forecast called for cloudy with a chance of rain; ergo, I didn't think to bring my sunblock with me! Well, at least I'm still wearing my contact lenses.

Hang on…Sunlight at 10 P.M.?

My photosensitive eyes eventually adjusted to the brightness, and I could see now that wherever I was, it probably wasn't anywhere near Hong Kong.

The area had the same subtle nuances that would fit right into your stereotypical fantasy RPG town: medieval-style architecture, cobblestone roads, horse-drawn carriages, the works. People equipped with outdated clothes and tools casually walked and talked amongst the mainstream of citizens and vendors alike.

Wherever I was, all signs pointed to this place being nothing more than a pre-industrial, backwater society with no connection to the modern outside world. Whoop-de-do…

Then it hit me.

The Saturday morning…The pudding cups…My embarrassing demise…Purgatory and goddesses and reincarnation, oh my!

This wasn't some nowhere village untouched by time…This was a normal settlement located in an ENTIRELY. SEPARATE. UNIVERSE!

" _Hahahaha!_ This is too cool! I've always wanted to travel to a parallel universe, but all my particle accelerators never had enough horsepower to rip through the fabric of space-time, even with the Eye of Dashi as a battery!"

A noise of distress alerted me to the presence of someone standing to my right.

Oh yeah, it was that Aqua chick from before. She was missing her pink scarf and her head hung low, the flowing blue hair concealing her face from me.

Eh, whatever, she's not my problem right now. Because now is the time to begin my new, adventurous, and most importantly, solo life in a foreign world; just like an upcoming isekai protagonist!

Or should I say, an upcoming isekai _antagonist~? Huh~?_

"Oh man, this so exciting! I wonder what I should do first? Should I explore downtown, or should I chat it up with the locals? Is there like a charisma skill tree for that? I'm not exactly the best at conversing with something that isn't a machine…Oh, oh! I know, I know! I should make my first mark in this world by claiming this town as my new evil base of opeRATIONS!?"

" _BUAAAAAAAAAA-AHA-AAAAAAAAAA!"_

Like a bat out of hell, Aqua took to invading my personal space while startling me to second death. She grabbed my shoulders and shook me around as tears and dribble leaked out of her eyes and mouth.

She was so disruptive, some of the nearby locals stopped what they were doing to stare. This isn't exactly the first impression I wanted to give my soon-to-be loyal subjects. This deranged woman is making me look bad, and not in the good way!

I pushed her out of my personal bubble and barked at her to chill.

"Get a grip already! Sheesh, you're even worse than me when it comes to being in public. And that's saying something."

The self-proclaimed goddess resorted to sniffling and whimpering miserably.

"…Okay then, I can see you're busy having an existential crisis. So I'll leave you to that. In the mean time, I'm gonna scope out the area and move on with my newfound life. Laters."

"WAIT!"

As I began taking my first steps in this alien reality, I felt my right sleeve getting tugged back, forcing me to hold my horses. I glanced back around to find it was Aqua holding my trench coat captive. Her face was still as wet and snotty as ever.

"B-but I don't know wh-what to do h-here. Besides, _you're_ the one who got me into this mess in the first place! Now we're both stranded here, clueless!"

"Correction: you're the one who's stranded, not me. I came here by choice, and I plan on making the most of it. You can go do whatever you want though, I don't really care. So long as it stays as far away from me as possible."

"Nonononono – please don't leave me all alone, Spicer-san! Please, please, PLEASE!"

"If you really don't want to be here, then just ascend into the clouds or however else you go back home to Heaven."

"Were you not listening to a thing Aeris was saying!? I've been exiled, I can't go back until the Devil King is defeated. And to make things even more pitiable for me, most of my top-tier god powers are locked away now that I'm stuck in the mortal realm!"

Aqua's grip on my sleeve further tightened. She looked down at the ground and shook her head in a "No" motion, all while muttering that very word to herself on loop.

Well, shit. It seems this crybaby is gonna be harder to get rid of than blood stains. Why shouldn't I be allowed to go at it on my own, huh? I've had it with partnerships! They always end the same way: with me getting thrown under the bus!

Even though I've only just met Aqua, I can already tell she's gonna toss me aside the moment she deems my services "unnecessary". If there's one thing I've picked up on from my time hanging out with Chase and Wuya, it's to never trust anyone. Least of all immortals.

I was about to lecture Aqua on this when I heard her hiccup and sniffle quietly to herself. She wiped her nose on her sleeve and looked up at me with wet eyes. From where I was standing, she really did look a lot like a lost child, all scared and confused.

A lot like me, now that I think about it…

…

Alright, I know I'm gonna regret this later down the line, but I'll take her in. _Not_ out of the goodness of my greedy black heart, mind you, but because it would be admittedly foolhardy to jump straight into the jaws of the unknown without some guidance.

However, the moment I get my robots in production, she's outta here. No exceptions. Count on it.

"Fine."

Aqua blinked her tears away in surprise.

"I'll let you tag along with me on my adventure. But know that I will be the brains behind this operation. I'm the one in charge here, and whatever I say, you have to go through with it. Got it?"

Raising her fists, Aqua nodded at me with steely eyes and determined vigor.

"Glad we've come to an agreement. Now, I've once played Warcraft for an estimated total playtime of about ten minutes. And if this place is anything like an MMORPG, then there's bound to be a guild for starters to join. You said this world functioned like a video game, right? So, let's talk to some expository NPCs and get some intel on our environment."

Aqua suddenly looked at me as though I had some other genetic disorder besides albinism.

"I don't get it."

"What don't you get?"

"How are you so calm about all this? When I first met you, you were shaking like a frightened animal. Now you're all rational and stuff? The paperwork said you were supposed to be nothing more than an emotional, shut-in NEET. How are you so level-headed right now?"

NEET? Doesn't that stand for "Not in Education, Employment, or Training"…?

Where does this woman get off calling me a jobless recluse!? I have a job, it's evil entrepreneurship. And yeah, I sometimes skip out on school, but that's only because I'm a genius who has bigger fish to fry. I can't waste my time getting bogged down by something as pointless as homework.

"First of all, leave only constructive criticism next time. What you just said right there was completely uncalled for. Second of all, I'm known as a super evil genius for a reason; knowledge is the most powerful weapon anyone can wield. And finally, I go outside, thereby making me unqualified to be a shut-in. Now, in the words of Arnold Schwarzenegger, 'Come with me if you want to live'."

With my killer impression said and done, I began my search for something that resembled a guild. Aqua lagged behind me not too long after.

"Okay, but y'know masquerading as a supervillain doesn't count as a real job, right?"

"Jeez, you sound like my dad. I _am_ a supervillain. Maybe not in body, but sure as hell in mind and spirit. Haven't you ever heard of Lex Luthor?"

"No, but I've heard of mental institutions."

"Aw, what do you know? You're just the goddess of liquids."

"That's goddess of _water_ to you. And you better give me the proper respect I deserve or else you'll suffer at the hands of my divine retribution! Also, while I don't mind you calling me by my holy race, just stick with Aqua. I don't want everybody around here to freak out over my presence."

"Whatever floats your boat, Noah."

As we crossed over a small stone bridge, we found ourselves in a shopping district. There were stands selling everything from homemade weapons to potions most likely brewed by snake oilers. So far, this town was proving to be my kind of place.

I spotted a man selling a comically large piece of mutton to a single mother of five. Might as well start the intelligence gathering from there.

I sauntered up to the meat peddler after the family left and leaned on the counter, bad boy style.

"Hello, sir! What can I get you on this fine day?"

"Some basic exposition."

"…I'm sorry?"

"Oh, you know, worldbuilding dialogue, names of important people and places, the usual background NPC talk."

I opened my eyes to sneak a peek at the guy. My doubts began to grow when I saw his reaction was none too pleasant.

"Look, kid, I don't really know what you're talking about, but I think get it. You show up to town looking for opportunities and that all of a sudden makes you think you own the damn place. I've dealt with enough brats like you to know one when I see one. So unless you're here to purchase my goods, BEAT IT!"

"YEAH! You're holding up the line, punk!"

I gave myself whiplash as I discovered said line behind me. Disgruntled locals of larger size were definitely present and definitely not happy to see me. I excused myself before things could get ugly.

As I kept my eyes downward at all costs, I saw blue high heel boots enter my field of vision.

"Smooth move back there, Prince Charming~ How about you let a goddess as charismatic as me do most of the talking, hmm~?"

So much for gamer's intuition.

After letting Aqua take the wheel for a bit, we eventually learned that we were in the Kingdom of Belzerg. The town we spawned in was the supposed renowned city of all rookie adventurers: Axel Town.

Axel is a city that's far enough away from the Devil King's castle to become a thriving trading town in the middle of a major migration route. Apparently, anybody who's anybody starts off in this circular town before joining the frontlines of the war or moving on with their lives.

Also, we found out where we needed to go to locate the local Adventurer's Guild. We followed the directions given, and soon made it to the main town plaza. Dead center was an all-encompassing, two-story tall building.

No point in standing idly by and getting a sunburn. Aqua and I stepped up to the front of the wooden doors and let ourselves in. The moment we were inside, a waitress carrying two mugs in each hand greeted us cheerfully.

"Oh, hello! Welcome! If you're here to eat, grab a seat where you can. And if you're looking for work, head on over to the counter."

She scurried off to presumably go deliver the drinks and left us to take in the scene.

Men and women of all shapes and sizes ate together at tables while waitresses served them their drinks and food. There were candlelit lamp posts, potted plants, a second-floor balcony that had more tables for patrons, a bulletin board with flyers, and even several large statues of icons I didn't recognize.

If I had to sum up the overall vibe of this place, I would say thrilling. A little rough around the edges but inviting for the most part.

"HEY YOU! The one who looks like he crawled out of a grave!"

Aqua and I both squeaked and directed our attention to a lone man sitting at a table close to the entrance.

He had a rough, scary-looking face and muscular body to compliment. The only clothes he had on were metal shoes, green pants, pink suspenders, and shoulder armor. But by far the most staggering feature of this man was his tall, maroon mohawk and matching beard/mustache combo.

He stared at us judgingly with his intimidating face.

"Hmmm…Y'all got some weird-ass clothes on ya. I take it you two are from outta town?"

God, even his voice alone was putting me on edge. He hasn't even stood up yet and already he's triggering my fight-or-flight response (and just for the record, I am a firm advocate of the second option).

"Yeah, err, you could say that. M-m-m-my friend and I are trying to…sign up to become adventurers. W-we're gonna help take down the…Devil King?"

The buff man four times my size stared at me as if I had just said something to greatly piss him off.

So, this is how I die…again.

He suddenly whipped his head all the way back and let loose a hearty laugh. It was a reaction so out of left field, it had me flinch in surprise.

After his fun, he smiled at me and spoke in a more casual manner.

"I only just met you, boy, and you've already proven to be funny as all get out! Haven't had a good laugh like that in ages. You two don't look like folks who could take out the Devil King – but hey, it's your funeral. Welcome to the gates of Hell!"

The Mohawk Man jabbed a thumb behind him.

"Just talk with Luna over at the guild administration desk. She's the cute blonde chick with a heart o' gold. Ya can't miss her or those jugs!"

"…Thanks…"

Okay, that was…a thing. I briskly walked away, and Aqua was not far behind me.

What was up with that guy? He seemed to be – in his own way – friendly, I guess, but for some reason, I felt uneasy around him. I don't know, maybe I'm just being paranoid like usual. After all, I am basically in a foreign country which no doubt has its own set of cultural norms. Hopefully, with that in mind, the experience shouldn't be all that different from moving into China.

We shuffled our way over to the admission desks tucked away in the back corner of the building. Behind one of the free spots was a blonde woman wearing a red bowtie and a white, buttoned-up shirt that exposed her shoulders.

She also happened to be gifted with…generous assets.

Don't. Stare. Jack…Much.

Unaware of the colossal internal conflict raging within my head, the receptionist named Luna greeted us with a chipper tone.

"Hi! Welcome to the Axel Town Adventurer's Guild. How can I help you today?"

"Hi, yeah, hello. We were told to come to you straight away if we wanted to apply for adventuring, yes?"

"Oh, I can help with that! The registration fee is 5,000 eris, please."

Local unit of currency if I had to take a shot in the dark. In that case, I'm already boned because my wallet's dry. I didn't have anything else on me other than pocket lint, and I doubt they accepted that.

I turned to Aqua and asked her if she still had that money pouch from before. She huffed in annoyance and patted herself down.

"What am I to you, a charity? Anyway, of course I have the money! I wouldn't be stupid enough to forget something…that…important…"

Aqua lowered her head and discovered a newfound interest in her boots as she stood stiff like the statues in the room.

"You forgot it, didn't you?"

"…I might've dropped it when we were fighting…"

Somebody shoot me now.

Luna must've caught on to our predicament because the next thing she said helped to restore my faith in humanity.

"If you lack the sufficient funds, the guild here has employed a system of indentured servitude to aid those in need. A week of community service should be enough to pay back the debt, and it just so happens that we have one available slot left open."

Yes!

"Alright, what is it?"

"Manual labor at the construction site!"

No!

A full week of manual labor without the aid of my precious JackBots? I didn't have my soul transcend across the multiverse just to become a pack mule for a buncha meatheads!

But seeing as how we were desperate for cash, Aqua and I reluctantly accepted the offer. Luna beamed at us and exited the booth behind the counter.

"Excellent! Now, if you would kindly stick your hand over the crystal, it'll scan all of your traits and attributes."

She motioned to a little wooden stand right next to her workspace. It was just a blue orb with simplistic sprocket-wheels embedded around it. Odd, to say the least. But I did as instructed and stuck my hand over it.

"Am I doing this right?"

The crystal shined a bright blue as the sprockets surrounding it started to turn and spin. A small thin needle underneath the orb did something akin to a black hole absorbing a star. If I had to make an educated guess, I'd say the needle was harnessing the magical properties of the crystal and using that borrowed power to shoot a small, concentrated beam of energy at the blank card resting underneath it.

The needle automatically guided the laser everywhere that needed to be signed. By the time the process was finished, it looked a lot like an ID.

The girls must've noticed my bewildered expression because they soon giggled randomly. But how could I not hide my amazement after witnessing that display? That strange little gizmo just laser-printed all my background info onto an index card! It seems technology is a thing that exists around here, except it's less mechanical and more magical.

Either way, that's not gonna stop me from disassembling it and finding out what makes it tick! I've studied enough Shen Gong Wu to develop a shaky foundation on the principles of magic from a scientific perspective. I know it can be done!

"Holy crap, that was so cool! What was that thing, some kind of magic printer?"

Luna attempted to hold in her giggles as she picked up the card.

"I've rarely come across anyone who doesn't know what these things are. But to answer your question, they're just helpful magical tools that every guild uses to make new Adventurer Cards. It makes it more difficult for dishonest folk to try and make forgeries. Now then! Allow me to explain how this adventuring business works."

Aww man, tutorials? Where's a skip button when you need it?

" 'Adventurer' is a generic starting class, and your skills are vital to your survival. Which brings us to your Adventurer Card. It keeps track of your Level based on all the monsters you've killed or eaten. When your Level increases, you'll earn skill points you can trade in to learn new skills. Work hard and you'll raise your Level in no time! Now how about we take a peek at your stats, hmm?"

Luna began to read through my card. This is exciting; I'm getting all giddy!

"Let's see here…John Edward Spicer. That's an interesting name you've got there, it sounds foreign."

Ew, don't ever call me John or Edward. I much prefer the nickname Jack, thank you. How that ever became a nickname for John, I'll never know. But it does have a certain snap to it that I've always liked; very evil-sounding.

"Ah, here are your stats…Average across the board."

Truth be told, part of me kind of expected much.

"Two notable stats that stick out are your intelligence and luck. My word – you possess an astonishingly _high_ intelligence! In all my time working here, I don't think I've ever seen a stat go that high before! Jack…you're a genius in every sense of the word."

The patrons and staff alike began to gather behind us after hearing Luna's little outburst. I heard them murmur about "the new smart kid who strolled into Axel". That would be me! I believe a gloat is in order.

"What can I say, who else would be smart enough to cheat on an IQ test?"

"Unfortunately, it looks as though your luck stat is way below average."

Everyone went dead quiet after that. Looks like I gloated just a bit too soon. That tends to happen a lot now that I think about it. Well I got my answer as to why.

Wait a minute – is that why I was on a Shen Gong Wu losing streak back home? Is that why I was born an albino? Is that why I have severe anxiety? All because I was predestined to be unlucky?! What the actual fuck?!

If Lady Luck is represented as a goddess here, I'd like to vaporize her ass out of existence!

"I-it's okay, though! Luck really isn't that essential of a stat for adventuring. Please don't look so mad, I'm terribly sorry!"

Huh? Oh, I guess my anger was reflected on my face. Really gotta work on that.

"A-anyways, your stats will increase as you grow to higher Levels, so what you have right now isn't entirely set in stone. And even though you're temporarily stuck with the basic Adventurer class, you're always free to switch to a better one the higher Level you are. Personally, given your immense intelligence, I'd recommend something in the mage category. But that's just my humble opinion, I implore you to take it with a grain of salt. Hopefully, your luck stat will become just as high as your intelligence stat!"

Luna handed me my card as Aqua stepped up to get hers printed. While that was going on, I decided to look at the stats myself. Sure enough, they were all pretty average. At least all that fighting in Showdowns and robot construction helped to keep me somewhat active.

Hold the phone, it seems I've already got some skills displayed on here that Luna neglected to mention. I'll have to give this guild a negative review for subpar service. For now, though, let's see what I got in the way of skills:

_One-Handed Swordsmanship: Gifts the user with immediate knowledge on fighting techniques for one-handed swords and other lightweight weapons._

Huh. Y'know, after reading that little blurb, I can already visualize all the different stances and techniques for single-handed sword combat. Even though I never studied it prior! That is weird, man…

Would've been helpful in that one Showdown where I got pitted against lions in the Roman Colosseum. Along with Chase's ravenous jungle cats, I've been a dog person ever since.

Anyway, let's check out the other skill…Oh, hey! It's the cheat power I requested!

_Sandbox Mode: With this magical skill, the user is able to spawn raw materials to use in the construction of robotic-based weaponry and objects. Tools such as (but not limited to) drills, wrenches, and welding rods can be summoned at the cost of additional mana._

Mana? Isn't that the miraculous bread-like substance that supposedly came from God to supply the Israelites on their journey through the wilderness? No, wait, that's "Manna", with two "n's". I think "mana" just refers to magic in general.

"Oh my goodness!"

A cry from Luna made me look up from my Adventurer Card. Aqua had already gotten hers printed out and Luna was looking it over in disbelief. Aqua merely stood there just as confused as everybody else around me.

"Even though your intelligence and luck are at rock bottom, the rest of your stats are exceptionally high!"

"Ooo! Does that mean I'm super-duper amazing!?"

" 'Super-duper' doesn't even begin to cover it. Classes in the mage category require intelligence, so that's obviously out of the question. But other than that, you can choose from a multitude of advanced classes right from the get-go! Crusader, Swordmaster, Archpriest, most of them have already opened up for you!"

Aqua did that arrogant, popular girl hair flip I was all too familiar with while all the other adventurers gawked at her.

"HAH! It's a shame there's no class for a goddess! I'd choose that one in a heartbeat. But what about that Archpriest thing? That sounded kinda interesting?"

"An Archpriest can play major support roles in healing the party with magic, but they're also strong enough to hold their own in the frontlines of battle."

"Then that settles it! From this day forward, I, Aqua, will become the greatest Archpriest the world has ever seen!"

The crowd surrounded the goddess incognito and cheered her on with compliments and praises. Aqua even encouraged them to keep up the kind words she was receiving, especially from the flirty ones in particular.

And guess who was left forgotten just as quickly as he was introduced? While everyone swarmed that spotlight-stealing attention whore, I got shoved away to the sidelines.

It wasn't fair, that should've been me getting told I was gonna accomplish great things! She didn't even wanna be here!

…

You know what? Fuck it.

Let Aqua have her little moment. Let the other adventurers sing her praises for now. Because when I'm the new Devil King, they're gonna be worshiping me and no other deity. I'll show them, they're gonna be sorry they glanced over someone with a powerful mind like mine.

I'll make sure of it…

Suddenly, the crowd opened a hole for Aqua to exit out of and she pointed at me with a look of confidence.

"Jack, it's time for our lives as adventurers to begin!"

"I was under the impression that you wanted no part of this…"

Without missing a beat, but certainly missing the hint, Aqua responded with, "Well, I like this part of it."

What a brainless bimbo.

* * *

My first week in the Fantasy World was anything but fantastical. It was _grueling._

Getting paired up with a whiny, self-centered, annoying crybaby who expects everything to be handed to her on a silver platter was proving to be both infuriating and frustrating to an academically superior mortal such as myself.

Now I'm starting to understand what it's like to be in Wuya's shoes. Although the expression would've worked better if she wasn't always walking around barefoot.

Then there was having to work to pay off the friggin' debt. Becoming an indentured servant was something that never crossed my mind when I arrived in an alternate reality. Not only that, but the sleeping conditions were just as crappy.

Literally. We had to sleep in an empty stable that was littered with horse droppings. I did clean it up and throw a sheet over the haystack, but it still didn't clear up the barnyard smell nor drown out the animal noises.

But when I wasn't resting in a smelly stable, I was out breaking my back doing construction work. I was digging holes, lugging around heavy supplies, layering bricks, basically anything the workers could come up with. It was all too similar to the time I made the mistake of trying to turn good and become a Xiaolin Monk.

Given my weaker physique, I was not up to snuff with the other workers, and they all gave me a ton of flak for it. Meatheads, the lot of 'em. At least they were paying for our meals at the Adventurer's Guild.

Although that doesn't excuse the fact that all Aqua did was paint a few walls and flirt with the workers, who were more than willing to stop whatever it was they were doing and talk to a pretty face. Y'know, now that I think about it, she's a lot like Wuya in some ways: both are demanding, naggy, and really only viable to me in one aspect.

With Wuya, it was her ability to detect Shen Gong Wu. With Aqua, it's her healing spells, and even then she has the nerve to claim that her talents were going to waste!

I swear to all that is evil, a malfunctioning JackBot with no arms or photoreceptors would be more useful than this goddess has-been.

Speaking of JackBots, I've also been fiddling around with my custom skill cheat. I learned that all you need to do is say the name of the skill and it'll automatically do what its namesake entails. In the case of Sandbox Mode, it pulls up a menu not unlike Garry's Mod with literally everything I need to build robots.

It takes up magic points to spawn simple things like metal alloys and electrical wires. Summoning tools used up a good chunk of my magic and left me feeling as though I had been shot with the Woozy Shooter.

As I had previously hypothesized, "mana" was the term used regarding magic points. Everyone in the Fantasy World has some mana stored within their bodies, and mana can only be restored by either resting or eating monsters; however, it can also be restored artificially by drinking magic potions that can be purchased at the local magic shop.

Since the money that _I_ earned (because Aqua did _Jack_ diddly squat) was automatically deducted to pay for the registration fee, the only way for me to gain my mana back was to sleep the night away. But even with sweating my balls off at work every day, I still had too much energy left to burn. I did make an attempt to fall asleep sometimes, but I would just keep waking back up every minute by the hour.

What pitiful amount of mana I could restore naturally was drained spawning simple items like screws and screwdrivers. On the bright side, at least I had enough materials to properly repair my HeliBot. So there's that.

One week later and I was finally free of debt. The workers were considerate enough to throw a celebratory party at the guild for my tenacity. Unfortunately, Aqua had one too many drinks and puked out actual-I'm-not-even-joking rainbows after the party. I had to be the one to help her wobble back to the stables.

Which leads me to where I am now: sitting on a hay bale fixing my broken HeliBot with a drunk Aqua giggling to herself on our makeshift bed. I'll admit, it was a bit awkward at first for me to sleep next to someone with supernatural beauty. But after getting to know her this past week, I got over it pretty quick.

Besides, she's a drooling mess when she sleeps.

I was concentrating on repairing the spring lock system in my HeliBot when Aqua suddenly said something to me out of the blue.

" _Heehee~_ Hey, Jackie. I've been – I've been thinkin' 'bout stuff."

"Oh really? You mean to say that you actually have enough brain cells to think?"

"Aaahhh, shut up. Anywho, let say you an' me get up reeeeeeeal early tomorrow and go on our very first quest together!"

I gazed up from my work and looked at her as though she grew a second head that started cannibalizing the first head.

"Already? But we're still Level 1; we don't even have gear or weapons."

Aqua sat up cross-legged and stared at me with her lazy, unfocused eyes before speaking.

"Uhm, hel~lo, did you forget who I am? Am a goddess, silly! You don't gotta worry 'bout no stinky mean monsters with me around. You can count on me!"

For as amusing as her drunken stupor was to me, she did make a valid point. She was a goddess from Heaven. Granted, she might have been demoted to a demigod since coming here, but there's no doubt she must have at least some divine qualities up her sleeve. With her in my ranks, conquering this planet should be a cinch!

Who knows, maybe she isn't so useless after all.

"Y'know what, Aqua, I think I might take you up on that- -"

She passed out.

Call it a hunch, but I think she might be an alcoholic. Again, though, just a hunch.


	3. Cool Bad Guys Don't Look at Explosions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jack is running a two-man army and needs more recruits to add to his legion of evil. A certain "explosive" young wizard will have to make do.

"Aww, c'mon already ya big wuss! This quest is offering 100,000 eris and all we gotta do is kill some weak little goblins! Don't wimp out on me now!"

After we overslept this morning on account of Aqua's hangover and my inability to convert myself into a morning person, we had to throw our clothes on and skip taking a bath just to make sure there were any novice quests left for us. We both smell like a barn at the moment, but we'll live.

Besides, unless it's the dead of night and absolutely no one is awake, I can't clean myself in a public bathhouse. I respect my privacy far too much to strip buck naked in a room full of toned, slender, nude men; they make me feel way too hot and bothered for that (and maybe a little inadequate).

If there's even one late-night straggler in the bathhouse with me, then I can't bathe. I just have to awkwardly stand outside and wait for them to leave.

God I miss my master bathroom…

Look, the point is, we overslept and now we're paying the price for it. Most of the easy difficulty quests have already been taken by other beginner adventurers like us. We were hard-pressed to find anything else that was within our current Level.

That is until Aqua found a quest that seemed just right for us to start grinding. But once she mentioned how goblins were involved…

"Oh no, I am not taking the risk! That creepy mohawk guy told me there are these monsters called Rookie Killers that share a symbiotic relationship with goblins. They protect them from predators, and in return they get to use them as bait to lure in rookies like us! Hence the name, ROOKIE KILLERS! So not happening."

"But we'll make some quick and easy cash out of it!"

"And that saber-tooth will make quick and easy _snacks_ out of us!"

"Oi, you know what? Fine, scaredy-cat! If you think you can pick a better quest than me, then go right ahead!"

Aqua slapped the flyer back onto the quest board as she gave me a disappointing glare. I returned the favor and gave her the evil eye before double-checking the board for something more doable.

_Help me find my lost pet. He's a white wolf! The reward is 27,000 eris._

You mean there's a wild animal like that on the loose!? Call animal control, not adventurers fresh off the grill, you jackass!

And yes, I do see the irony in that unintentional pun.

_Seeking a tutor in swordsmanship for my son. Applicants must either be a Rune Knight or a Swordmaster. It pays 9,000 eris an hour._

That's what you get for homeschooling your son: unreliable strangers that pass you by.

_Would you like to take part in my magical experiments? Only those with high HP or strong magical resistance need apply! Willing to pay 50,000 eris plus overtime to those who want to stick around for more~_

You'd have to be a hardcore masochist to voluntarily sign up for something shady like that!

All of these quests are stupid. They're either for high-tier classes or for thrill-seekers looking for an easy out. There's gotta be something we can work with here…

Wait – I may have found something. It seems there's one last easy quest that nobody else took for some reason. Well, I'm sure there was a valid reason as to why this was the only one left, but beggars can't be choosers.

I peeled off the flyer and read it to my impatient, blue-haired counterpart.

"Okay, how about this: 'Giant Frog mating season is here once again, and they have been eating livestock outside the fields of the city. Kill 5 frogs. 3-day deadline. 5,000 eris for each frog brought back dead. The meat will be used to serve dinner'."

Aqua made a disgusted face and stuck her tongue out in disapproval.

"5,000 for an overgrown amphibian dead? We made that much during our week of community service! I don't think so."

This girl is more stubborn than me, I swear.

"Would it kill ya to help me out here? I mean, it's the only easy quest left. Plus, we have three whole days before it's due – that gives us plenty of time! Can't be any worse than getting mauled."

"Why should someone such as me have to come into contact with slimy frogs for so little money? I'm Goddess Aqua, everyone in the Axis Sect. worships me. I shouldn't have to lift a single finger on a quest this demeaning. I should be spoiled, spoiled, and spoiled rotten gosh darn it!"

Aren't you rotten already? I mean, for badness sake, is this really what everyone back home saw me as?

For as much as I toyed with the idea of strangling this airhead deity, I still need help gaining experience if I wanted to survive in an unforgiving world like this one. Besides, it's gonna take a while before my JackBots are up and running anyhow.

So, through clenched teeth, I slowly and methodically hissed out a deal for her "royal highness".

"If you agree to this, I will do all of the work and you will get full credit for it. Deal?"

"See? That wasn't so difficult now was it?"

Yes, excruciatingly difficult. And don't you dare give me that damn smile, it's too nice and sincere for someone like you to have.

Just sigh and move on, Jack. Just sigh and move on.

"Alright, well, now that that's settled, we've got another problem on our hands: how in the hell are we gonna do this if we don't have any money for gear or weapons?"

"Um, e-excuse me? Is it alright if we h-help you…?"

A meek and timid voice tried to make its presence known to us but failed in doing so. However, it was practically right next to us, so we turned to look.

Two teenagers, one boy and one girl, stood before us. The guy was around my height and looked like he didn't necessarily wanna be here. His hair was brown and shaggy, his eyes were green, his skin somewhat pale (though nowhere near the level of my skin), and he wore – in my opinion – an ugly green tracksuit.

The voice trying to get our attention belonged to the girl. She had a slight blush tinged on her cheeks and while she seemed like she wanted to be here, she also looked ready to flee if we so much as blinked. She had brown hair like the guy behind her, but with red eyes like mine. Her outfit consisted of a small black robe and pink miniskirt that went together with her red hair bows and pink necktie.

Also, it would be remiss of me if I neglected to mention HER HONKIN' HOOTERS! GODDAMN! Her spinal column must be in shambles right now.

But in all seriousness, why am I suddenly meeting so many hot girls after my death on Earth? First Aqua, then Luna, and now this one. Are these supposed to be three of my seventy-two virgins? But I'm not Islamic, nor am I particularly all that religious to begin with. It might just boil down to sheer happenstance.

In fact, while we're on the subject, most of the men and women I've encountered in this one town alone are significantly more attractive than the ones I've ever met on Earth. I mean it, if you were to compare anyone in Axel to anyone in, let's say, Medieval Europe, I'm sure you'd be able to spot the difference.

Despite what those commercial fairy tales might spoon-feed you, people from the Middle Ages were unattractive, unhygienic inbreds. That's the ugly truth ladies and gentlemen.

With that being said, are the humans in this universe just inherently more beautiful than the ones in mine? If so, then this is both a blessing and a curse for me. As an awkward, preferably introverted virgin ostracized by his peers, this is a dream come true. However, as an awkward, preferably introverted future dictator of a new world order, this is very distracting. And I'm easily distracted!

"Jack."

"Huh?"

Oh, it was Aqua. I got distracted by my own internal ramblings again. See what I mean?

"What's wrong with you? These guys were introducing themselves and you were just spacing out with a look on your face like you were constipated."

"I did not look like that!"

"Oh yes you did~ I'll bring a camera next time to prove it."

Ignore her, Jack. Address our visitors and find out who they are.

"Anyway, who are you guys again? I wasn't paying attention."

The red-eyed girl seemed to get even more flustered and started stuttering nervously.

"W-w-w-w-wait, what?! You mean, y-you didn't hear m-my introduction? I-I don't know if I have what it takes to d-do it again! It was already embarrassing enough doing it the first time!"

The guy wearing the tracksuit looked annoyed at her but placed a supporting hand on her shoulder which shut her up almost immediately.

"Oi, Yunyun, chill. You already went through this same song and dance with me the first time we met; you don't need to keep doing it with every other person we meet."

"But it's my clan's sacred greeting ritual! What kind of future chief would I be if I didn't uphold my people's traditions!?"

"Look, you already did it once for them, so it's fine. I'll just reintroduce us for space cadet over here since he wasn't paying attention. Cool?"

"…C-cool…"

He nodded, then turned to me. "Hey, I'm Satou Kazuma. And this is my partner, Yunyun. Nice to meet ya."

"Your name sounds distinctly Japanese. Are you from Japan by any chance?"

Satou seemed a little taken aback by what I said.

"Uh, y-yeah, actually. Wait, does that mean you came from- -"

"Earth? You know it, homey! Represent!"

Yunyun looked between the two of us in confusion.

"Earth? I've never heard of that place before. What is it?"

I was about to nonchalantly blow her mind when Aqua butted into the conversation.

"Well, Yunyun, Earth is a faraway country overseas and Japan is just one of many kingdoms there!"

"Oh, wow…They both sound so exotic…I hope that one day my travels will take me there!"

Aqua quickly pulled me aside and whispered into my ear.

"Jack, you gotta understand, I've reincarnated hundreds of thousands of humans from Asia. The majority of those humans had kids, and their kids had kids, and so on and so on. A decent-sized chunk of this world's population is made up of Earth humans who grew up not knowing where their ancestors _really_ came from."

"So?"

"How would you react if you found out most humans on Earth were actually the bastard children of beings from a parallel universe? You really think society would take that in stride and not collapse under pandemonium?"

"...No."

"Exactly. So zip it!"

I suppose Aqua's reasoning does make sense somewhat. We can't afford having people running around in a panic, not until after I start invading. Then they can run around all they like before I seize control. Still, it's dope to find a fellow Terran in this place.

We pulled apart from our little huddle and I decided to ask these guys what they wanted from us.

"So, was there a reason you two came to see us? I assume it wasn't just to say hi."

They just stood there and didn't say a word. It wasn't until Satou nudged Yunyun with his elbow that she finally gave me an answer.

"Ow! Kazuma, that really hurt…Oh! Right! Um…well, I couldn't help but notice you two working really hard at the construction site last week to pay off your debt. I…I felt really bad, and I wanted to chip in by giving you some money. But every time I saw you guys working hard, I thought, 'Oh, they're way too busy. They'll probably just be annoyed with me if I try and make conversation with them'. So, I ended up watching you work from the sidelines…"

Oh wow. Just…wow.

I never thought I would meet somebody who could make me of all people look like a social butterfly in comparison. _Wow._

Satou seemed to be slowly losing his patience with Yunyun the longer she stalled.

"Yunyun, get to the point…"

"Ah! Well, um, I – we, um – WE'D LIKE TO GIVE YOU MONEY FOR GEAR AND WEAPONS!"

…

"That works for us!"

"Yeah, uh, what she said."

"See, Jack? Good things come to those who are me. Thank you, Yunyun-san! Thank you, Kazuma-san!"

"Oi, while I appreciate the honorifics, we're not close enough to where you can call me on a first-name basis. Besides, this was Yunyun's idea, not mine. I'm mostly just doing this to help break her out of her shell."

As she was handing us enough eris for starter equipment, Yunyun shyly looked back to her green partner for approval.

"D-did I do good, Kazuma? I didn't come off as too forceful, did I?"

"More like not forceful enough. You can't keep relying on me to speak your mind. Also, volume control, please. I felt like there were people behind us staring at me like I was scum for some reason."

Aqua suddenly asked, "Hey, wait a sec. Aren't you that creep who almost got arrested a few days ago for sexual harassment- -"

"I am an advocate of true gender equality. I have no qualms with using any tactics necessary to take down a female opponent. That girl wanted a fight, she got one. Come on, Yunyun, we're going."

The skittish red-eyed girl followed her partner behind like a lost puppy. Meanwhile, Aqua and I were left feeling slightly disturbed at that guy's calm defense for committing sexual harassment.

What in the Heylin did that man do…?

Eh, not my table. At least we can finally afford some equipment for our Giant Frog quest. So what if they're giant? They're still just dumb frogs. And this quest was marked with easy difficulty stamps. This should be a piece of cake.

* * *

" _AAAAAHHHHH!_ "

What was I thinking!? They're called Giant Frogs for a reason! If I couldn't handle Giant Squirrels, what made me think these guys would've been any better!?

One of those green behemoths was chasing me through the otherwise relaxing green fields outside the walls of the city. With a dinky, short sword in hand, I bravely ran away from the enormous frog while letting out a guttural scream of manliness.

All the while, Aqua was standing atop a small hill laughing her dumb little head off at my predicament.

"Jack, you look so funny running around like a chicken with its head cut off! Hey, are you crying or sweating? I can't tell from over here!"

"SHUT UP!"

Another rumbling thud meant the frog was one hop closer to crushing me. If I didn't improvise something soon, I was gonna get flattened into a flapME! I mean a flapJACK!

"Wait, what am I doing? I can fly. It can't get me in the sky! It even rhymes!"

The sides of my trusty HeliBot sprang open to reveal two cylindrical extensions. Those extensions then shot out two long propellers. The blades went to work and spun rapidly, lifting me off the ground. And just like that, I was airborne, baby!

As I was flying high away from the green monstrosity, I decided to mock it.

"HAH! Suck it, Kermit! Go cry Miss Piggy a river!"

The frog responded by latching its stretchy, sticky tongue onto my leg.

"…I think you two make a great couple – _AaAaAaHhHhHh!_ "

I was quickly being dragged back down and into that gross thing's open mouth! In a scrambled flash of thinking, I sliced my sword through the frog's tongue and freed myself. It croaked in pain and aimless hopped about, attempting to catch me in midair.

While hastily dodging, I called out to my support member who was doing anything but supporting.

"Look I know what I said before about me doing all the work and all that but please for the love of evil stop standing there twiddling your thumbs and HELP ME ALREADY!"

The goddess disguised as an Archpriest giggled to herself at my desperate cry for help. What a bitch!

"Very well then! I, Aqua, the goddess of water, shall save your scrawny white butt from peril! When I do though, I expect you to address me as either Lady Aqua or Aqua-sama from henceforth! Then, you will convert to the Axis Sect. and pray to me before breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Whenever I say so, you will always give me a portion of your food without whining; after all, sharing is caring…"

Little did Aqua realize that the frog lost interest in me and crept upon her while she prattled on with her incessant rambling.

"…I like my steak cooked medium rare with a trace of pink and lots of juice! When offering me baskets of fruit, I expect them to be both color-coded and alphabetized! I'm a bit of a neat freak when it comes to that stuff. Also- -"

It opened its mouth, swallowed her, and lifted its head up to chew her. I could see her stiff legs slowly sinking into the frog's green moist lips.

"Aaaand cue the facepalm."

Guess I gotta go save that loser, huh? Some ace in the hole she turned out to be.

I flew over to the distracted amphibian while letting out a glass-shattering battle cry.

* * *

That…was…unpleasant.

Aqua sat on her knees before me crying, covered head to toe in a rancid slime that came out of the frog.

The large creature laid on its back behind me with puncture wounds dotting its flesh. Thankfully, it was rendered immobile while eating Aqua, so stabbing it was fairly easy.

But holy shit, I think this marks the first time I actually killed something that wasn't a simple insect. Granted, it was just a large dumb beast with basic animal instincts, but still. It was a living creature that I mercilessly stabbed to death.

Honestly…I don't really know how to feel about that. I know hunters don't have a problem with shooting deer and things, but I'm not a hunter: I'm a scientist. I was the person solely responsible for taking away the life of a living being more complex than a bug...

What am I thinking!? I'm Jack Spicer, Emperor of Darkness! Killing a Giant Frog shouldn't phase me at all! In fact, I should be flexing my status as a bad guy and kill _anyone_ who stands in my way!

…Y-yeah…

I felt something gooey cling to my legs and smelt something rank assault my nostrils. I looked down to see a mess of blue hair below me.

"Th-thank you, Spicer-san, for saving me…Oh thank you, thank you, thank yoooooouuuuuu!"

Now Aqua was crying into my pant legs while expressing her gratitude in between hiccups.

And she also smelled like complete ass from all the frog mucus.

I didn't know what exactly to do in these kinds of situations, so I settled with awkwardly patting her head. I mean, what else do you expect me to do? I have very little experience in comforting a woman.

Although, this woman was behaving more like a child, and I did have at least some experience in comforting my little cousin the rare times she got upset.

Actually, what is Megan even doing right now, same for my parents? Did they seriously find my death humorous? Why am I just now thinking about this now?

Aqua thankfully snapped me out of that depressing train of thought by standing up and inspecting herself. She looked distraught, to say the least.

"Look at me…This isn't how a stunning goddess should be: totally drenched in icky slime! If my devoted Axis followers saw me in this disgusting state, word would soon spread that some lowly frog bested me, and they'd all lose their faith in me!"

"I'm surprised you still have any followers given your track record."

Crap, I just blurted that out without thinking!

A murderous glint flashed in Aqua's eyes, letting me know that I had just said the wrong thing to the wrong person at the wrong time. In response, I valiantly tucked my head inside my high collar like a turtle in its shell and begged for mercy.

However, before I could brace myself for potential pain, she dashed away in the opposite direction towards a lone pink frog doing absolutely nothing. It only acknowledged her presence when she screamed the following:

"You will know the power of the gods! How dare you bare your filthy fangs at us! How dare you challenge me! You will know regret in the pits of Hell, foul creature! GOD BLOW!"

Aqua's delicate right hand curled into a fist and caught fire as she closed in on the frog.

"A lethal fist: one that carries a goddess' rage and sorrow! Whomever it strikes will perish!"

The rage-induced immortal slammed her first into the thick belly of the frog. The result sent ripples across its abdomen and nothing more. The humongous amphibian looked down at Aqua like she was no big deal. I can relate.

A brief moment of silence passed.

"O-on second thought, I think froggy faces are really cute!"

It ate her.

"Goddamnit, Aqua."

* * *

After we trudged back to the guild, we agreed to recruit more party members to help us with our frog dilemma.

Also, as a side note, we had fried frog legs for dinner from the two that I had killed. Not half bad.

Back on track – Aqua volunteered to make a help wanted poster to pin onto the quest board. She reassured me that everyone would come flocking to us in no time because "she was in the party".

That was done two days ago. Today was the deadline for the quest.

We sat at our usual table in the guild sulking it up and feeling pretty sorry for ourselves.

"Don't get me wrong, Aqua, I like having a team of elitists as much as the next bad guy. I mean it – you and I are like on the same page here. But I think we might need to reconsider setting the bar a little bit lower."

"I don't get it…I made sure to include the very important detail that I'm in the group. Why is nobody coming…?"

I glanced over at the quest board while Aqua was busy drowning in her own self-pity. From the distance I was sitting, combined with my poor eyesight, I couldn't make out a word of the chicken scratches she scribbled in over a night. But there was no need as I had already read it beforehand.

I drew a sigh.

_Immediate opening available in a cozy, harmonious party. If you wish to go on quests with Lady Aqua, the beautiful Archpriest, and her sickly pale assistant, then look no further!_

_"Ever since I joined this party, I've been happy every day! I definitely hit the JACKpot!" - John Doe_

_"After I joined Lady Aqua's party, I got over my terminal illness and became super popular!" - Jane Doe_

_Only adventurers in advanced classes will be considered. Beginners need not apply._

I rested my chin on the table as the two of us sat in dejected silence for a while. Man, if only I had the Sands of Time Shen Gong Wu with me! That way, we could just bring our future selves to come help us out! Then again, knowing ourselves, they'd probably ask for money in return, which is what present Aqua and I are trying to earn to begin with...

Never mind, it was a stupid idea anyway.

If somebody doesn't show up soon, I might have to resort to robbery. Which shouldn't be too hard, all things considered. Whoever said "crime doesn't pay" was undoubtedly a Goody Two-Shoes loser trying to make himself feel better while working at his dead-end job. Crime totally does pay, so long as you don't get caught.

"I saw your notice calling for adventurers."

It seems we had a visitor come up to us while we were moping. It was a thirteen-year-old girl with rough, shoulder-length brown hair and a red eye patch covering her left eye, leaving her right red eye exposed. Her brownish wizard hat had button eyes and zigzag stitching below them, giving it the appearance of a monster resting atop her head.

The rest of her attire was also wizard-like: a brown cloak, red gown with a belt, black choker, fingerless gloves similar to my own, and boots with bandages wrapping around her right leg. To top it off, she held in one hand a wooden staff of sorts with a small blue orb seemingly defying gravity by levitating below its curved tip.

She spoke with steady confidence, "I was informed that you were recruiting new members. Is this correct?"

I snapped out of my analytical trance and answered yes. The new girl smirked and covered half her face with her palm, leaving her middle and ring fingers apart for her right eye to peek out. The red eye eerily lit up and highlighted her shaded face with its demonic glow.

I'm a little frightened.

"Then our meeting is a fate chosen by this world. It would seem that my search for suitable companions to quest with has come to an end! Tell me, do you request the powers of the one so unimaginable that she has been ostracized from the inhabitants of this realm? For where the wind blows, none dare to speak my name. Only those close enough and with a bond of a thousand stars may be allowed to say it…"

The girl dramatically swished her cloak aside before striking a pose.

"For the world trembles at the name of Megumin! I am an Archwizard who wields Explosion: the most powerful, most feared, most deadly spell in all the land! No mortal could ever dare to challenge the might of my powers. If thou wish to align yourself with my preeminence, then stare into the ultimate abyss with me! But take heed, for if thou doth stare into the abyss, then the abyss shalt stare into thee..."

Sweet evil and all that is melodramatic…

This kid… _oozes_ with potential! I mean it – she very well could be a rising evil star. I know I behaved a lot like her in my beginning days of villainy.

Aqua said something to me to catch my attention.

"Just for the record, Jack, this is more or less what Yunyun's introductory greeting was like. Y'know, while you were too busy fantasizing about her boobs and all."

"AQUA!"

Megumin briefly broke character at the mention of the name Yunyun.

"Wait, Yunyun followed me here…? Crap, I broke the flow of my monologue! Hold on, please. Let me get back to where I was."

Megumin cupped her chin while tapping her foot in thinking mode, trying her hardest to remember her lines. I can relate.

"Uh, let's see…I'm past the part mentioning my Explosion…I talked about the abyss…Ah, right! Since my creation, the cosmos have wept under my influence! Everyone who has heard of my clan knows that I am their #1 genius. My magic is unmatched by even my own kind! My lethal powers can demolish the tallest mountains, smash the hardest stones, and wipe out armies of – _urk!_ "

Before she could finish, the young girl collapsed on the floor. Aqua quickly got up and knelt beside while gingerly picking her up by the shoulders.

"Is, uh, falling flat on your face part of your monologue? If so, then it's not a great look for you. I'm speaking from experience here."

Megumin stood back up with the help of Aqua as her stomach audibly growled

"No, I just haven't eaten in three days. I'm dreadfully hungry..."

Yikes. No food for three whole days? I think I'd shrivel away into nothing without at least one day of snacks. And just like that, I now crave the manufactured taste of pudding cups. Where's YesBot when you need him!?

Oh, right, still on Earth with an empty snack pod. Crud.

While I was thinking, Aqua decided to point something out about the red-eyed wizard.

"Hey, since you're clearly a Crimson Demon, you wouldn't happen to be from the same village as Yunyun, would you?"

"If you're referring to the only village where literally every other Crimson Demon in Belzerg comes from, then yes, we were, in fact, born there. We both graduated from the academy and left to travel. Though it sounds like Yunyun stalked me on my journey. Why am I not surprised?"

Megumin briefly glanced in my direction. That glance, however, quickly shifted into a full-on stare. I could practically feel her gaze into my corrupt soul.

After what felt like an eternity, she drastically pointed a finger at me, and her eyes lit up again.

"You! You have red eyes too! I don't believe I've ever seen you before…Could you possibly be a part of my kin by any chance? Granted, you look paler than a zombie and have dyed your iconic brown hair red for some reason, but still!"

Oooooohhhhhh, I see.

"Nah, the eye color and skin tone are part of a genetic disorder I got from a lack of melanin: completely unrelated. As for my hair, I didn't dye it red, it was just always like that. Don't ask me how cuz not even I know, and I was born with it! But while we're on the subject of eyes, what's with the eyepatch? You goin' for a magical pirate look or something?"

Megumin dropped the kiddie act and suddenly spoke in a very serious tone which managed to send shivers down my spine.

"This eye patch is a seal. It is the only thing in the material world that can suppress my immense magical powers. Should it ever be removed, skies will crack, life will fall to ashes, and existence as we know it will be all for naught."

Now, I've heard my fair share of grandiose, end-of-the-world tales back home. I've also happened to live through a handful of them. However, this one took the cake by far.

I'm scared of a lot of things: spiders, clowns, enclosed spaces, etcetera. But there is nothing in the world that scares me more than no world to rule at all.

"C-Christ, is that really true?"

"Nah, that was a lie. I just wear it because I think it looks cool."

"…"

"…I, uh, like your fingerless gloves."

"Hey, thanks! They're slick, aren't they? I like yours too."

"Thanks, man, right back at ya!"

As we were rockin' our gloves, Aqua approached me from the side to apparently say something.

"Just so we're all on the same page here, Megumin and Yunyun are a subspecies of human known as Crimson Demons. They're some of the most intelligent and skillful mages around. Once the children earn enough skill points in school to learn advanced magic, they're considered adults in their village and are sent off into the world to become the very best Archwizard. Also, the goofy names are like a cultural thing; they're all infamous for being natural-born chuunis."

Chunni – dafuq? Wait, hang on, I think I might've heard that term somewhere before...

Oh yeah…I remember now. Back when I traveled to Japan to swipe the Zing Zom-Bone Shen Gong Wu, I overheard a couple of girls on the street call me that while giggling to themselves. At the time, I took it as a huge compliment!

It wasn't until I returned home (after Kimiko mercifully un-zombified, that is) that I took to the internet to find out what the term actually meant. I won't get into the details of what happened next to preserve my dignity, but let's just say I didn't take the discovery all too well.

Chuuni is short for chuunibyou, which is a Japanese slang term that roughly translates to "Middle School 2nd Year Syndrome". Kids with this psychological phenomenon either act like know-it-alls or have delusions that they're embedded with special powers and all that junk. Think of it as the Japanese equivalent of someone going through their emo phase.

Now before anyone says anything, no, I do _not_ have chuunibyou! Would a chuuni have the smarts and brainpower to build advanced robots to help him conquer the planet? I don't think so.

And just to prove my point, I'm not going online to research any supervillains that may meet that criteria. Not like I can, anyway.

"HEY! We Crimson Demons are a proud people! Where do you get off calling my name goofy!? Where I come from, everyone has completely normal names. It's everyone else outside of my clan that has strange naming conventions."

Honey, I know a morbidly obese ninja named Tubbimura and a cat-themed cat burglar named Katnappé. I've heard stranger names. But I'm gonna humor ya anyway.

"Oh yeah? Then what're your parents' names?"

Megumin randomly performed a strange pose while answering my question with a big smile.

"My mother is Yuiyui and my father is Hyoizaburoo!"

I take it back, there are always stranger names.

Just to distract myself from the awkwardness of it all, I swiftly typed those two names she said onto my personalized wristwatch that I was fortunate enough to still have on me when I reincarnated.

"Hey, uh, how do you spell those? Spell Check autocorrects them as 'Yo-yo' and 'Hasbro': like the toy company."

Before she could take the time to sound out every vowel sound for me, Megumin's stomach growled like one of Chase Young's panthers. She blushed a little in embarrassment.

Uh-oh, that was cute. Which means she still has some pureness in her. We'll have to nip that goodness right in the bud as soon as we can. Don't want a bright, young villainess in training to go soft on me.

"C-could I tell you after lunch first? I really need the energy before I pass out."

I rolled my eyes and let her pick something out on the menu.

* * *

We grouped back outside after lunch to test Megumin's magical capabilities and determine if she was worthy enough to be put on the team. I gotta say, though, I can only expect great things. Aqua and I checked out her Adventurer Card while she wolfed down her meal; most of her stats looked promising.

With my sword, Aqua's flower bud staff, and Megumin's wizard staff at the ready, we situated ourselves atop a rounded hill scoping the area for Giant Frogs.

"Now, Explosion is the strongest spell, and strong spells take the most time to conjure. When we find a frog, I need you two to keep it at bay until I am done with my preparations."

It didn't take long for me to find one just by the base of the hill.

"Look! There's one! Hopping around and whatnot."

"Don't worry you guys. As a goddess, I've got you all covered!"

"Wait, you're a goddess?"

Aqua, you dumb-dumb, what happened to your own rule of staying undercover?

Welp, time for my invaluable improvisational skills to come into play.

"Yeah, uhm, ya see Megumin, Aqua had a nasty breakup with her boyfriend recently. He used to call her his goddess all the time, and she kinda stuck to the pet name even after he left. I'd say it's either a case of denial or it's her coping mechanism."

"Oh, that poor thing..."

I turned to Aqua – who looked about ready to burst into tears – and offered her an apology shrug. Just when I thought she was going to unload, her face soon morphed into fierce determination. She homed in on another frog that happened to be nearby, letting out a much better war cry than mine.

"I don't care if these things are resilient to my attacks, I refuse to be defeated by such a lowly adversary! I'll show you all the taste of a real goddess! Now tremble before me, creature! GOD REQUIEM!"

I'll spare you the details and just say the frog ate her. Again.

"Man, she really Jacked that one up...And there I go using that stupid saying the baddies back home coined."

Then the wind started to pick up as it strangely shifted around Megumin. I had to do a double take when I saw what looked like streams of outer space swirl into the crystal in her staff. Megumin stood still and tightly gripped her staff as she closed her eyes and chanted some kind of incantation.

" _Darkness blacker than black and darker than dark,_

_I beseech thee, merge with my deep crimson. The time of awakening cometh._

_Justice, fallen upon the infallible boundary, appears now as an intangible distortion!_

_Dance, dance, dance!_

_I desire for my torrent of power a destructive force: a destructive force without equal!_

_Return all creation to cinders and come from the abyss!_

_This is the mightiest means of attack known to man, the ultimate attack magic!_

_Explosion!_ "

Nine red cipher circles of varying sizes stacked above the frog she was aiming for. All it could do at that moment was stare up at them like a deer caught in the headlights. The circles unleashed a fiery column of heat and fire. I had to turn away in order to uphold the long-standing tradition of being too cool to look back at an explosion (and not just because my retinas would combust otherwise).

It was only after the ground stopped shaking that I dared myself to inspect Megumin's handiwork.

The spot where the frog once stood was charred black and a large crater took its place.

After scooping my lower jaw up off the ground, I noticed that the little pyrotechnician had fallen on the ground face first for some reason. I also noticed a sinkhole forming a little ways away from her as a frog emerged from the ground.

Megumin's Explosion must've disturbed it from its hibernation.

It noticed her limp body on the ground and hopped on over to her.

"I forgot to mention, while my Explosion magic is indeed very powerful, using it takes a lot of energy. I overexerted myself conjuring it, and now…well, I can't move a muscle."

If I had a nickel for every time I got the short end of the stick, I'd be twice as rich as my parents.

"Uh-oh, I wasn't counting on a frog to pop up nearby. This is bad; I'll be eaten. Sorry, but could you please do something before- -"

Before she could finish, the frog already had her upper torso in its mouth. All that left me with was two associates slowly being swallowed.

"This is why I work with robots."

* * *

"I don't know if you knew, but the inside of a frog is both stinky and cozy..."

"Too much information Megumin, too much information…"

It was already nightfall by the time we shambled our way back into town. I had to piggyback a mucus-covered Megumin while an equally mucus-covered Aqua lagged behind, whining about the smell. And she had every right to complain about that assessment, the stench was nauseating.

Every woman we passed by muttered something under their breaths and looked at me with either disgust, anger, fear, or some combination of those three. Was this not a regular sight for the townspeople? I assumed adventurers come home dirty and smelly all the time. It's not like we're out picking flowers or anything.

I guess baseless judgement exists no matter where you are in the multiverse. Oh well, that'll all change once I'm in charge.

Regardless, that still doesn't excuse Aqua and Megumin for their incompetence shown today! I had to save both their asses from something the French love to eat, how sad is that? And before you're all like, "Oh Jack, you've been just as, if not more, incompetent in the past", keep in mind that constant failure is supposed to be every villain's signature M.O.

We bad guys have a certain obligation to adhere to if we want to be the best at being the worst. It's called contractual genre blindness, and you'd be doing yourself a service if you'd look it up and quit judging me already!

Alright, I'll get off my soapbox now. In the meantime, I've got a few choice words for the mage clinging to my back.

"Y'know, at first, I thought your Explosion magic was the bomb – no pun intended. But after seeing what happens to you afterward, I gotta say, I'm a little letdown. Can't you use anything other than Explosion?"

"No."

I stopped dead in my tracks.

Aqua wanted to ask why we were stopping, but I ignored her. This required my absolute full attention.

I twisted my head around so I could better face the little brat that just said something so unbelievable.

"You're joking- -"

"I have never been more serious in my entire life."

I couldn't detect a single hint of sarcasm in that sentence.

"But…but… _whyyy?_ "

Why!? WHY!? Why would you do something so stupidly suicidal!? Answer me before I drop you!

Megumin pointed her finger straight up into the sky as she gave me her declaration.

"Because Crimson Demons are proud and noble people! They have carried the title of Archwizards for many generations and only use the most advanced of magical skills. That is why I choose to exclusively use Explosion – the most powerful magic attack – and nothing else, all the other attacks in the detonation family suck anyway! Even if I can only use it once a day, it matters not. I will DIE if I go a single day without casting Explosion! It may make my life of adventuring a tough path to walk, but that is the price I am willing to pay..."

Aqua applauded at the end of her speech and wiped away a few tears that were threatening to leak out of her eyes.

"That was so beautiful. I've never felt so inspired before in my life. I mean, your motivation is completely bonkers, but I love the passion behind it!"

The two girls smiled and gave a thumbs up to one another. I am so done.

But…in a way…I kinda see a little bit of myself in Megumin. Chase, Wuya, and the Xiaolin Monks would usually chastise me for not practicing martial arts or Shen Gong Wu. But here's my rebuttal: why go through the hassle when I can very easily build weaponized robots to do the dirty work for me? Robots are my passion; nobody can take that away from me!

"…I guess I can respect your drive too…"

"Mmhmm! Explosion magic is the only kind of magic one needs on their adventures! I see you're one smart cookie."

I felt the weight of Megumin's chin rest on my left shoulder as she quieted down. She spoke again, this time more awkwardly and unsure.

"Now that I have displayed my powers for you to see, may I…um, may I join your party, please? Y-you don't even have to pay me for it or anything, I-I'm perfectly fine with just being paid in food…That's all I ask. Honest."

Aw crap! It's the universal weakness for every bad guy ever: empathy. Must resist, Jack, must resist! You are evil to the bone and all the way down to your greedy black heart. Don't let the fact that you can relate to her influence your decision!

But then again, that Explosion really packs a mean punch- -

No! After only one turn, she becomes dead weight. She's a liability, a hindrance, a broken leg on the caterpillar.

Well…let's go over the pros and cons.

Pros:

1) I'll have my own personal walking, talking nuke.

2) She'll immediately increase the size of the party, thus making us stronger than we were before.

3) I can be her evil wingman.

Cons:

1) She only knows one skill.

2) She can only use that skill once per day.

3) She becomes immobile and useless afterward.

So, do I want the glass cannon on my team or not? Hmmmmmm…

Fine.

"Fine, I suppose you have what it takes to be a part of Jack Spicer's Evil Posse. Welcome aboard, Megumin."

I suddenly found myself being choked to death by a very happy camper clinging to my back.

"YES! YES! Thank you so much! I promise I'll be the best teammate you ever had!"

My only response was sputters of air escaping my closed-off windpipe. Thankfully, she got the message and loosened her grip on my neck, allowing me to breathe again..

As I gulped down gallons of much-needed oxygen, Megumin curiously asked me something.

"By the way, what do you mean by 'Evil Posse' exactly?"

It was ultimately Aqua who answered for me, despite not giving her my consent to do so.

"Oh, I wouldn't worry about that if I were you. Playing the role of the bad guy is basically his main shtick. I think it might be the result of him never growing out of his chuunibyou phase; after all, he used to be the western equivalent of a shut-in otaku. It's honestly really funny to watch how hard he tries to convince us that he's 'evil'."

"Oooooh, I see now. Okay then – I can get behind that!"

Aqua, you blue bimbo, you're ruining my chance of recruiting a villainous sidekick! Now she probably thinks I'm just a wannabe!

"Don't listen to her! I'm bad to the bone – I swear!"

Megumin simply giggled and patted my head in response to my cries.

"Whatever you say, 'bad guy'. I think you and I are gonna have a lot of fun together."

My reputation must really be in the toilet if not even kids will take me seriously.

But I'm not giving up hope yet. I'll get Megumin to see my true evil colors soon enough. Same goes for Aqua, too. I'm positive that once they come to understand my grand vision for the world, they'll become so enamored with the prospect of glory that they'll just have to follow my leadership without question! After all, these two seem like the sort of bunch that can be swayed in the right direction.

Or should I say…the wrong direction~? _HehHehHeh._

* * *

After the girls took their much-needed baths, Megumin insisted on sleeping in her tent outside the walls due to her reason being that she needed some time alone to reflect on today's events. Aqua trudged

back to the stable claiming to be too exhausted to eat dinner. So that left me to be the one to cash in the completed quest for rewards.

I found out that I went from Level 1 to Level 6 like it was nothing. Luna briefly explained that new adventurers like me tend to grow faster with their first kills. Again, it would've been peachy if she had told me that during the real-time tutorial I couldn't skip from before. That receptionist is lucky her world hasn't invented Yelp, otherwise I would've left a strongly worded review of this guild already.

The total cash reward for the quest came out to be 25,000 eris for five dead frogs. However, since Aqua and I spent 5,000 eris on dinner and the other 5,000 on lunch with our new team member, the leftover money was only a measly 15,000 eris.

And I have to divide it evenly amongst three people…

Needless to say, I feel like I've earned the right to sulk alone at my table.

"If this were in USD, we'd be set for a while. But nooooo, it just has to relate more to the Japanese yen. So, 15,000 eris is like, what? About $140, give or take? That's chump change around here."

I slammed my head on the table and groaned loudly.

"The sooner I finish my JackBots, the sooner I can start living on easy street..."

While absentmindedly studying the wood engravings and craftsmanship of the mahogany wood, I heard the distinct sounds of metal clinging against itself. At first, I simply dismissed it as my hyperactive imagination getting to work on forging robots, but the sound persisted and became louder until it stopped right behind me.

"Pardon me, but are you the pale assistant to the Archpriest named Aqua?"

"Listen, I'm pooped out right now. If you could just leeeeeeeeaaaaaa…."

My words trailed off the second I turned around to address the stranger. If he had to guess her age, I would say eighteen years old at the youngest. She had sparkling ocean-blue eyes and golden blonde hair, tied and groomed into a long ponytail that trailed down her back.

Clad in clean white and yellow armor with a patch of angelic white feathers on her right shoulder piece, the woman held the appearance of a strong yet sophisticated knight.

I would've believed anyone if they told me that she had been handpicked by King Arthur himself if sexual prejudice was absent in medieval Earth.

Who was this blonde bombshell and why was she talking to _me_ of all people?! Look at her hair; god, I bet it's softer than any pillow imaginable. Her eyes, they could pierce through steel, yet they have a soft undertone of gentleness to them.

And would you look at the shape and size of that breastplate – NO! No perverted thoughts. I cannot risk getting a boner, even if my coat covers my crotch!

"The flyer on the quest board stated you were the sickly pale assistant to the one who calls herself Aqua, correct? Are you in need of more teammates for your party?"

Even when asking a question, she was professional and business-like.

"Uuhh, y-yeah. That's me. I'm Jack Spicer…Err, Teen…"

I look like a fool out there! I'm stuttering, I'm sweating bullets, and I screwed up on my title! Get it together, Jack!

The female knight somehow stood up even straighter and introduced herself.

"I am Darkness, and my occupation is that of a crusader. I nobly serve under the good graces of the goddess Eris and so dutifully swear to eliminate any and all devils in this mortal realm."

If I somehow wasn't impressed before, I sure was now. Crusaders are some of the toughest classes out there, and this one was spending her time conversing with a newbie like me.

Could this be a sign that Lady Luck was finally giving me a pat on the back for a job well done?

Before I could ponder on it, Darkness, seemingly out of nowhere, exhaled as if she had been holding her breath. Her cheeks shifted into a tint of red and her hardened gaze softened as her eyes turned

to-and-fro. She clenched her hands to her chest and continued speaking, this time through labored breath: as if the act of talking were a chore for her alone.

"I…also deal with any other monsters…or opponents really, so long as they're stronger than me. _Hah_ , I-I have a small confession to make…While I do possess extraordinary strength, endurance, and stamina, I am rather clumsy. My main weapon is a two-handed long sword, yet, whenever I try to swing, I usually end up missing my targets...miserably~"

For as weird and unprecedented as Darkness' change in behavior was, I couldn't help but find myself becoming morbidly curious at her intentions. Was she just coming down with something? Her face was red, and it looked like she was burning up. No, that can't be it. She looked completely healthy beforehand.

So why- -

"So, with that said…I was wondering…"

Darkness suddenly clasped her hands in front of her and bowed her head, catching me off guard.

"…Could I please join your p-p-p-p-party!?"


	4. Steamed Veggies and Steamy Knights

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jack is about to find out that vegetables and Crusaders go surprisingly well together...
> 
> Wait, what?

Females. Why, oh why, did it have to be females?

Now, I will admit, I am not the most socially competent person out there. This is coming from the guy who spent majority of his childhood indoors talking to his own droids. There was the occasional faceless, online troll, but I hardly count them as real people.

But even someone who wasn't socially inept can agree on my stance that women are just plain complicated; they always utilize tactical manipulation that often goes right over guys' heads. In general, men have a more mechanical mindset, processing only the base information given to them. If there's something they're not made aware of, they won't address it, and that tends to rustles a woman's jimmies.

In fact, it's partially why I lean slightly more towards men in terms of preferences. They're just more direct with what they want.

But now here comes a lady knight in a never-ending wave of hotties straight up _begging_ to join, all while getting flustered over it. Even my brain, with all its insidious intellect, needed a minute to reboot.

This has got to be the best/worst thing that's happened to me so far since reincarnating. What do I do? If my enemies were around, I'd definitely take her in without so much as a second thought. I swear it would have nothing to do with peer pressure, really, I swear.

But realistically speaking, she would probably end up distracting me with her feminine wiles. So what am I supposed to do?

…

I think…for the sake of my goals…and my sanity, it's best if I don't rope her into this.

Besides, I know she's way out of my league anyway.

"Err, sorry, ma'am, but I don't think- -"

"I noticed that those two girls with you were covered head to toe in some kind of mucus. Tell me, what horrors befell on them to make that happen?"

Aaaaaaand going right for the hard-hitting questions. If this knight thinks I was responsible for what happened to those two idiots, it's a one-way trip to the dungeons for sure!

"O-oh! T-that old thing? Uuhh, heheh, well, funny story about that – trust me it's a real knee-slapper. Uh…we had a nasty encounter with some Giant Frogs and- -"

The Crusader gasped out loud in shock. At first I thought she was repulsed, but then again, people who are repulsed don't usually sport a mean blush and squeeze their eyes in...What was that? Pleasure?

Speaking of squeezing, that's exactly what she did to my forearm after she had her little moment. Ever had your arm get caught underneath a hydraulic press by mistake? Long story short, I had an accident in the lab and wasn't paying attention to my workspace. Obviously, I'm fine now, the MedBots did wonders on me. But compared to the strength of Darkness' grip, I think I would happily relive that mishap any day of the week.

So don't point and laugh at me for tearing up, it's completely justified!

"Th-that settles it! I implore you to sign me up on your team; I can start work immediately!"

"WOAH WOAH WOAH! Now wait a minute! I'm flattered that you really want this open spot so bad. But to be brutally honest with you, our team is hot garbage. In fact, the garbage is so hot, it's practically a dumpster fire!"

"I don't mind that."

"We literally almost got eaten alive this evening- -"

Her grip somehow became stronger. I let out a strangled, high-pitched cry of pain as a single teardrop slid down my cheek. I now yearn for the hydraulic press.

"Oh, I wouldn't mind that either!"

Darkness invaded my well-maintained personal bubble and got so up close in my face, our noses were just a centimeter away from sharing an Eskimo kiss. I don't know how to handle anything anymore!

"As I said before, I am very clumsy and in no way good in swordplay. Why, just recently I was kicked out of Galil's party for my atrocious accuracy. If you would please let me join, I'll blend in so well with your trashy team it'll be as though I'm not even there!"

I am currently basking in her hot, minty breath. Her face was burning up, her cheeks looked about as red as my hair, and her blue eyes bore holes into my red ones; a minuscule glimmer of insanity present within them.

I had to get out of there, pronto.

I scooped the eris off the table in a hurry, not even caring if I had dropped some.

"Yeah, uh, Darkness was it? I don't think tonight's really a good night to discuss this, I've got a splitting headache coming on. So if you don't mind, let's take a rain check on this okay? Great Thanks Bye!"

I already walked past her by the time I finished my rushed excuse. I could've sworn that, out of the corner of my eye, I saw her face morph into confusion and…Was that disappointment?

I got out of the guild and made a beeline for the stables where Aqua was already fast asleep. I skipped out on making the basic parts for my JackBots that night. Instead, I did a lot of tossing and turning in the haystack.

I may or may not have had to take care of some "unfinished business" that same night too.

* * *

"Okay, another day, another dollar…Or eris, I guess, since that's the unit of currency here."

I told Aqua to head to the guild without me and that I'd meet up with her and Megumin soon enough. I wanted to stay behind in the stables to get a head start on constructing endoskeletons for the JackBots, seeing as how certain complications from last night impeded on my concentration.

I'm aiming to build at least ten for the first batch, then have them help me build more once I improve upon my cheat skill.

After making some decent progress in my work, I put on my contact lenses and walked outside.

Y'know, I'm grateful I had my contacts on me when I died and all, but would it have killed the Council of Heaven to supply me with some SPF 30? Even if this planet has a stronger ozone layer than Earth's, the sun's ultraviolet rays still pose a risk factor to my skin.

I hope there's a merchant around here that sells something at least similar to sunblock. Eh, guess I'll just have to avoid staying outside longer than I have to during daylight hours.

Thankfully, the trip to the Adventurer's Guild didn't take that long and I soon returned to my natural environment: indoors. I quickly scanned the crowd for my teammates.

Megumin was over at the bar counter with Yunyun and Satou. She seemed to be in a heated argument with the pervy Japanese while his well-endowed companion sat quietly in her stool like a scared child watching her parents fight. I'll have to butt in and see what's what.

As for Aqua…

"Nature's Beauty~!"

Ugh.

She was entertaining the patrons on the second-floor balcony. From what I could tell, the loser was popping water lilies out from her bare hands, which sprouted a small fountain of water from within their buds. She was twirling them all around whilst whirling Japanese paper fans. It sounded like the adventurers were enjoying her little circus performance.

Aqua noticed me observing her from down below and gleefully skipped to the rail of the balcony.

"Hey, Jack! I used my skill points to learn this new magic skill called Nature's Beauty! Pretty fitting move for a water goddess, wouldn't ya say?"

She spent the few skill points she managed to acquire on _non-combative_ skills? Alright, where are the cameras – I'm getting punked. It's one thing if she had some points leftover and just wanted to goof off. But no, she pooled in all of hers into a useless party trick.

Well, I gotta hand it to her, a useless goddess learning a useless move is pretty fitting.

I mumbled a halfhearted agreement and walked away before she had any time to say something back. I was originally going to walk up to Megumin mid-sentence and ask her what all the fuss was about, but something told me I was better off eavesdropping from afar. That way, I can get a better sense of the argument within its context and then ask for more information once she was done blowing her top.

So, I casually stood a couple of tables away and strained my ears to listen to what Megumin was snapping at Satou for.

"I swear to every benevolent and malevolent god that exists, if I find out you've been using her to pursue your own sick, sexual advances- -"

"I already told you, I was just trying to straighten out her tie! And here you come barging in accusing me of fondling her tits!"

"Do you think I was born yesterday? I know your type and I keep up with the local gossip! You're the perv that commits lecherous acts against girls under some misguided pretense of 'gender equality'. No wonder people call you Kazutrash and Krapzuma!"

"Hey – WHO THE HELL HAS BEEN CALLING ME THAT!?"

"Ummm…guys? Don't I get a say in this?"

"Stay outta this, Yunyun!" x2

Once again, I can't help but feel for that Yunyun girl. Being fought over like a toy must not be fun for her at all. She needs to take some initiative if she wants to survive in real life. I know I had to ever since childhood.

Also, is Satou Kazuma some kind of predator? I don't know the guy personally and I get the importance of the 'don't judge a book by its cover' saying, but this is the second time I've heard of him assaulting girls. Maybe I should keep an eye out on him just in case.

Because rape is something I can't condone. You gotta draw a line in the evil sand somewhere.

"Look, regardless of rumors, I'm not violating my partner. She saved my ass from a Giant Frog and ran away before I could even thank her. I just figured she needed a friend was all. Hell, I'm even trying to get her open up a little more; just so she doesn't walk down the road of a shut-in. Now can you please let us go already?"

Megumin stared long and hard at Satou. She broke her gaze to briefly glance at Yunyun, who became startled and looked down to the floor. The younger teen let out a defeated sigh.

"Alright. For now, I'll take your word for it. But if I ever catch you making moves on her, it's an Explosion to the face. Got it!?"

Satou nodded frantically before urging Yunyun to follow him.

She complied, but not before saying to Megumin, "D-don't count this as a legitimate victory! The next time we cross paths, we'll have an official duel to settle our long-standing score!"

The duo left, leaving Megumin to slump into a stool and order something to eat. I decided to slide right into the seat next to hers as the food came.

I noted how she wolfed down her brunch like it was the last meal she would come across in a while. When we first met, she did mention that she hadn't had anything to eat in three whole days. Not only that, but she also seemed to be a little too petite for a girl her age.

Could she be suffering from malnutrition?

Whenever I get around to it, I'll draw up some blueprints for an invention that can solve our little hunger crisis. She needs calories and I need me some sugar, damn it! Plus, with my knowledge of magic gained from conducting experiments on Shen Gong Wu, I can incorporate elements of the occult into the functionality of my invention; thus, I could theoretically create a vending-machine that can infinitely restock itself!

"That magic printer might make for an ideal template to work off of…"

Get it together, brain. Question Megumin about the fight already and stop mumbling in tangents!

"Soooo, uh, what was all the commotion about?"

The little girl washed down her latest bite with some water before slamming her cup back on the countertop hard.

"Nothing. Just making sure that perv doesn't step outta line."

"I take it Yunyun's a close friend of yours?"

"On one of my good days, I'd say she's an acquaintance at best. For as long as I can remember, Yunyun's always claimed to be my rival even though I never asked her to be. Every time we bump into each other it's, 'let's duel' this and, 'let's duel', that. It's like…UGH! It's like, 'Stop using that same excuse and just ask me upfront if you wanna hang out'! So indecisive…"

"If she gets on your nerves that much, then why bother having her back?"

"Because I'm not heartless. Look, Yunyun's a good person, albeit naïve. Because she's not as extroverted as the rest of my clan, she was doomed to be forever alone. These two academy students, Funifura and Dodonko, would pretend to be her friends just to get her to treat them out to lunch. Yunyun is desperate for companionship, and that makes her a prime target for scummy individuals. That's why I got suspicious when I heard she allied herself with that Satou creep."

The relatability hurts so fucking much. Time to lighten the mood before things get uncomfortable.

"Oh, really? Are you sure it has nothing to do with him making off with your girl? Wink, wink~?"

Megumin nearly choked on a cooked carrot after I teased her. After clearing her throat, she fumbled over her words like how I used to do with my ex crush.

"E-eh!? S-shut the hell up! Don't go comparing us to forbidden lovers in a romantic play, will ya!?"

Megumin stubbornly went back to eating her brunch in silence. Ahhh, denial: the first stage of…wait, what was it the first of again – eh, who cares!

To keep my discombobulated brainium from pulling another fast one on me, I pulled out my Adventurer Card to examine it. When I leveled up the other day, I was also awarded four skill points to spend on skills.

However, I had no idea how the mechanics of that even worked. Do I go to a shop and trade the points in for skills? Beats me! Video game worlds seriously need more menus.

"Hey Megumin, how do I learn a new skill? I see some options on my card here, but I don't know how to actually get them, y'know?"

The Archwizard halted her fork from reaching her mouth and tiredly answered my question.

"First, you have to find someone with a skill you want and have them teach you how to use it. After you do, the skill will appear on your card. Then all that's left to do is to tap your pictograph in the top right corner to confirm the skill purchase."

"Oooh, I see. My card acts as the menu. Okay. So if I had enough skill points to learn, let's say, Explosion magic, I'd have to come to you for that department, right?"

Megumin nearly gave me a damn heart attack when she shot out of her seat and got up close and personal with my face. If I didn't know any better, I'd say she had somehow gotten ahold of the Shard of Lightning when I wasn't looking.

"YES EXACTLY! That's all you'd have to do, Jack! If you ever wanna learn Explosion magic, I can teach you as much as you want! When you really stop to think about it, is there any other skill that's more worthwhile to learn? No, there most certainly is not. Just say the word and we'll walk the path of Explosions together!"

"Easy there, kid! I was just being hypothetical! I don't even wanna learn a move that'll leave me KO'd. That's your signature thing, not mine."

The spastic little arsonist just sat in her seat and stared at her food after I pushed her off me. It's only her second day on the team and she's already giving me the cold shoulder? What the heck? Was it something I said?

She scoffed, "Really…? _I'm_ the kid here?", and then went back to eating as though the conversation never happened.

Before I could get a chance to unleash my infamous evil back-sass onto this smug piece of work, a voice approached me from behind.

"There you are Mr. Spicer. I trust a good night's rest cured you of your headache?"

My blood ran cold.

Darkness occupied the empty stool on my left and swiveled her body towards me. She fished something out of her pockets and presented her fist to me. When unfurled, it was revealed to be a handful of gold coins.

"You were in such a rush, you accidentally spilled some of your eris on the floor and didn't pick it up. I thought I would make good on my code of chivalry and return this money to its rightful owner. Here you are, free of charge of course!"

She flashed an award-winning smile right my way. It felt like an eternity passed between staring at Darkness and collecting my missing change.

She seemed to be acting normal at least, so that's good. God, I hope I'm not blushing stupidly right now.

Come on, Jack, why are you like this!? It's not like you'll ever have a shot with her anyway!

Megumin asked, "Jack, do you know this person?"

Darkness answered for me. "I met him here last night. We were discussing an opening in his party I could potentially fill in. So, Jack, about that- -"

I immediately cut her off with a stilted laugh as I strung together a series of words that would hopefully deter her from joining.

"Ha-ha! Hey, listen, Darkness, great work, love the enthusiasm and persistence, but, unfortunately, I just don't think you're Jack Spicer material. So if you could just run along now we'll never have to see each other ever again. Great? Greeeeat."

The reaction from the blonde Crusader wasn't one I was expecting. She took a sharp intake of air, swung her whole upper torso around like a tire swing, and tightly hugged herself while blushing madly.

"Rejected after I did a good deed for someone! This is certainly a first…Groan~"

I gaped at the smiling knight. She actually _liked_ being turned down?

Also, why did she just say the word "groan" aloud like that? That was weird.

"That's not how you do it, Darkness. You'll scare people away if you're that pushy."

Suddenly, another girl stepped into the picture and accompanied Darkness. She had light purple hair and was wearing a small green cloak, cyan scarf, bikini top with one strap, denim shorts, gloves, white knee-high socks, and boots. There was also a noticeable scar that left its imprint on her right cheek.

"Sorry 'bout that, she can get a little excited sometimes. The name's Chris, I'm a thief and good friend of Darkness. Pleased to meet ya!"

Finally, a chick that's somewhat competent. I was beginning to suspect all the girls in this universe were either unhelpful or batshit crazy.

"I couldn't help overhear your uncertainty on what skills to get. Might I make a suggestion?"

"Sure, I am pretty desperate at this point. Lay it on me."

"Try for some thief skills. They only cost one point each and can be extremely useful when done right. In fact, I'd be more than happy to help you for free, so long as you buy me a drink."

Chris might as well have been a bard instead of a thief, because what I heard was like music to my ears! I immediately rushed in to hug her tight; it was the only way to properly express the joy bursting inside my skull!

"Oh, thank you thank you thank you! You're a godsend!"

A sudden sharp pain in my abdomen made me recoil away. I promptly sank down to my knees, clutching my stomach and groaning the whole way.

"Sorry for decking you like that, but you were hugging me for way longer than what was appropriate. 3-second rule, please remember that."

"Read ya loud and clear… _aurgh_..."

* * *

After I bought Chris a drink, she told me to meet up with her outside to begin my introduction to the world of thief skills. My one condition was that it had to be in an area with a decent amount of shade. I wasn't about to risk getting skin cancer just to learn how to pickpocket or whatever.

Our meet up location ended up being in a street lined with tall, connected buildings that offered some nice protection from the blazing sun. Darkness (the person, not the shade) was also there as she insisted on watching me from the sidelines.

Chris clapped her hands to gain my attention, much like how Mrs. Cornhaven would obnoxiously clap her hands right in front of my face whenever I got caught daydreaming.

"Alrighty, let's get started! Now, you'll find that there are a variety of thief skills for a variety of situations. It all depends on what you're trying to do, really: sneak into a noble's manor, detect hidden treasure, all that good stuff. But I'll show you one of my favorites."

Chris randomly shot her fist in my direction and shouted, "Steal!" A bright flash of light emanated from her hand and I immediately shielded my light-sensitive eyes.

Before I could lash out and teach her a thing or two about how albinism affects my vision, I noticed something off about my pockets.

They felt suspiciously lighter than I last remembered.

As I frantically patted myself down, Chris giggled and presented a small money pouch from within her- -

"Hey, wait a minute – my money pouch! How'd you do that!?"

"That right there was a thief skill called Steal. It nabs one random item and the better the luck, the better the score. Anyway, that's Steal for ya. Catch!"

Chris tossed the pouch my way and I fumbled around with it before grasping it within my fingers. I heard her giggle after that. Normally when somebody giggles at my expense, I'm either embarrassed or annoyed. But I actually found it to be kind of endearing coming from her.

How come I can never get teammates like that?

"Hey, quick question? What if you use Steal and your luck stat isn't so high like yours truly?"

"Well, then it just means you're less likely to swipe something valuable. But c'mon, I'm sure you're just overreacting. Your luck can't be that bad."

I handed her my Adventurer Card.

"Read it and watch me weep."

Chris' light purple eyes quickly scanned my card. They slowly widened in horror before she made an attempt to speak.

"Holy…oh my gods…I…I'm sorry. I know it's not much, but I'm sorry. I don't know what Eris must've been thinking when deciding on your luck."

"Eris? What do you mean?"

Darkness elaborated as she leaned over her friend's shoulder to read my card.

"Eris is the goddess of fortune and luck. Those that disrespect her or do bad things in life often take a toll on their luck stat – oh my! I didn't know a stat could go that low...Ooooh, this man must secretly be _vile~_ "

So, Eris is the one responsible for making my already hard life harder? The goddess that sent me and Aqua to this medieval rock?

Well…shit.

"Woah, your intelligence stat more than makes up for your luck though. I'd bet my magic dagger that not even Norse scholars would be able to hold a candle to your intellect!"

Chris handed me my card back and gripped my shoulder tightly. I stared at her as she stared back with resolve in her eyes.

"Hey, don't let your misfortune bring you down, okay? Luck isn't even all that of an essential stat for adventuring anyway. They say, 'brains beat brawn', and if that expression holds any merit, then you're capable of accomplishing whatever you set your mind to. The world is your oyster, dude!"

…Dang...that sounded exactly like something YesBot would say to me after a long day of beatings…You know what, they're both right. The world really is my oyster, and I'll be damned if I'm gonna let it get away from me! That mollusk is mine for the taking!

"Thanks, Chris."

"Don't mention it. We just need to find you another skill you can utilize. Why not check your card and see what else tickles your fancy?"

Nodding, I took a look at my options and noticed something interesting. Before, in the skill section on my card, all that was listed were some basic magic spells. But now I was also seeing some skills in the Thief job class, Steal being one of them.

When Chris demonstrated Steal for me, did that somehow unlock skills that were previously restricted for me? I remember Luna mentioning how the Adventurer class was the only one of its kind capable of learning skills from other classes. The only downside is that they wouldn't be as powerful as the originals.

Heh, I guess you could say I'm a _Jack_ -of-all-trades.

If I weren't already a mad scientist, I'd be a stand-up comedian for sure.

Let's save the jokes for later and check out what skills I can learn:

Lurk. 1 skill point. Allows the user to blend into the shadows for a short time, granting temporary invisibility.

Basically, it's the Shroud of Shadows minus the shroud. Got it.

Farsight. 1 skill point. Grants incredible eyesight, allowing the user to see vast distances with crystal clarity. Also includes night vision.

Given my crappy vision, this is a must-have for me!

Enemy Detection. 1 skill point. Allows the user to sense enemy presence within the surrounding area.

Useful, unlike Aqua. Definitely gotta have it in my arsenal.

Bind. 1 skill point. Summons ropes that magically tie up an enemy.

Magically tie up my enemies, eh? Just thinking about all the evil I can do with that skill gets me fired up! I'm sold!

I showed Chris the skills I selected, and she nodded in approval.

"Great selection. I see you choose Bind as your alternative to Steal. That's really handy when you're trying to escape from a tight situation. Now, tap your pictograph on the card to learn the skills."

When I tapped the words on my card, they glowed like I had selected them on a game menu. I gave my pictograph a tap and was greeted with a sensation that I could only describe as ethereal. My whole body emanated an earthly glow and it felt as though all my nerves were being fired off simultaneously.

Words can't accurately describe what exactly I was experiencing, but to me, it felt as though my very DNA was being rewritten via a mystical influence...

I'll build a DNA sequencer to test this theory as soon as I move out of the stables.

The glow and tingling feeling subsided, and I turned to the upbeat thief for further instruction. She gave me an encouraging smile which then morphed into a mischievous smirk soon after.

"Say, how about we have ourselves a little showdown? Y'know, to keep ya on your toes and make sure you're learning."

Oh great, looks like I've met this world's equivalent to Katnappé. And she wants to have a showdown of all things!? I guess you can never truly escape your past.

"Here's the rules: I'm gonna try to trap you using my Bind skill. If you can successfully dodge my attacks and use your own Bind skill on me, you're free to swipe my magic dagger. By the way, it's worth more than 400,000 eris. Just thought I'd mention~"

Is that smug I smell? Oh, I think it is. Alrighty then, I'll show her what happens when you get smug with the one and only Jack Spicer!

"However, if you get 'tongue-tied' so to speak, I get free dibs on your money. We got a deal?"

Darkness chimed in by saying to Chris, "Please do not put this poor man's money on the line!"

"It's fine, Darkness, life's all about taking risks. How else is he going to get accustomed to the adventurer lifestyle? It's a dog eat dog world out there, after all."

Sly and knowledgeable. It's a shame she's not on my team. Oh well, thieves tend to work alone anyhow.

"Anyway, the choice is yours. You can either accept the showdown and learn a valuable life lesson in survival of the fittest, or you can play it safe and be a killjoy. I warn you, though, I might let word slip that a guild member with the weakest job was too chicken to seek glory when the opportunity presented itself to him. That might not go over well with the seasoned veterans. Nothing personal, I'm just not a fan of stick-in-the-muds. Your call, Jackie Boy."

What!? Okay, that tears it! Nobody calls me Jackie Boy except for YesBot and sometimes Mom!

BUT ONLY SOMETIMES!

"GONG YI TANPAI!"

Chris stared at me for an uncomfortably long amount of time. It was only broken when she turned her head over to Darkness, who shrugged.

"It basically means 'ready, set, go'."

Blinking for a bit, Chris smiled and gave a slight, albeit hesitant, nod.

"Alright, whatever you say, dude. Bind!"

Thick strands of rope shot out of the Thief's hand, slithering through the air like angry snakes. A masculine grunt escaped my throat as I just barely managed to twist my body out of the way.

"Hey – I wasn't ready yet!"

"You want some cheese with that whine? Bind!"

Chris kept spamming Bind as I tested the flexibility of my body at every turn. For a split second, I thought I had Vietnam flashbacks of all the times when I got tied up, whether it be by the Silk Spitter, Tangle Web Comb, or Clay's lasso. All those embarrassing moments of my life left wriggling helplessly at the hands of my enemies and allies alike.

Their mocking, self-righteous, pitying eyes glowering me down as I struggled to break free…

Well not this time.

"Bind!"

I made my move the moment I hopped out of the way of another one of Chris' attacks. The ropes were reaching her at a breakneck pace, here we go, baby!

"Skill Bind!"

Huh?

The ropes just disappeared when Chris stuck her hand in front of them. I attempted to summon more from my hand, but nothing came out. What's going on here!?

Chris giggled, "Gotta hand it to ya, you did pretty well. Didn't think you'd last that long against me."

"What did you do just then, with the ropes?"

Darkness was the one who answered my question, surprisingly.

"That move she made back there was a skill called Skill Bind. It locks the opponent from using their skills in battle. But do not worry, it isn't permanent. You should be able to use skills again in about an hour or so."

"You mean to tell me I risked going broke for nothing!?"

Chris sauntered over and placed her hand comfortingly on my shoulder.

"Think of it like this: you didn't earn my magic dagger, but you did earn my mad respect. Not a whole lotta of newbies can say that they've impressed a seasoned adventurer like that. Which is why I'll let rumors spread about your accomplishment. You're welcome~"

The thieving girl gave me a pat on the back and turned to walk away.

Huh, so she knew exactly what she was doing from the very start. I gotta admit, that was genius even by my standards. I should've known she wasn't willing to give up a valuable weapon that easily.

I may not have a priceless magic dagger, but I did manage to impress a professional thief, that alone should give me mad street cred! Looks like things are coming up Jack!

Darkness slid next to me and whispered something discreet into my ear.

"Mr. Spicer? You might want to check your pockets."

I simply took her word for it and pulled my pant pockets inside out. Then the pockets in my trench coat.

Each and every one of them was empty…

"My money pouch! IT'S GONE!"

Chris was still a little ways away and had yet to exit the street. In one hand, I saw her bouncing a small burlap sack up and down like a basketball.

Time for some evil justice.

I activated my HeliBot and quickly hovered through the air to get to that conniving sweet talker. She must've been deaf to not hear the sound of propeller blades approaching fast from behind because I was able to snake my arms under her shoulders before she could react.

"Hey, wanna go skydiving? No? WELL TOO BAD, TOO SAD!"

With almost no liftoff time, we were airborne. Just for the record, I've always loved the way the wind rushes past my face and body. It's exhilarating, euphoric. I feel the most alive and free whenever I fly. I can never get enough of it.

Can't say the same thing for Chris, however. Her shrieks of terror rivaled that of Aqua's, though they couldn't quite top Wuya's ear-splitting screams. Shouldn't be surprised, really, her world doesn't have the Wright Brothers to invent flight for her sorry ass.

I stopped midair below the layer of clouds to drop some scare tactics on her pretty little head.

"Alright Chris, you ready for your first skydiving lesson or what?"

"WHAT!? NOOOO! Jack, w-what're you doing!? I thought we were friends! Please, please, _please_ put me back on the ground – BUT PLEASE DON'T DROP ME WHATEVER YOU DO!"

"Tell ya what, you can bail out of your skydiving lesson if you pay the money pouch fee."

"Okay, you made your point, here, take it!"

Chris tossed the money pouch upwards for my HeliBot's grabber claw to snatch.

"Thank you very much. An eris saved is an eris donated to the Spicer Foundation for World Domination®."

"Alright, I admit, what I did was uncool and I'm sorry. But can you lower me back down to the ground already!"

"I don't like your attitude. Just for that, I'm bumping up the landing fee to two money pouches. Better cough up the dough or you'll be soaring with the birdies! HAH! Get it? It's like 'swimming with the fishes', but we're up in the air, and that saying wouldn't make as much sense in this context…Anyway, can you make it quick? My arms are getting tired."

"Fine, here, take the damn money!"

Evil justice has been served.

* * *

It was pandemonium after we returned to the Adventurer's Guild. Chris began with the crocodile tears the moment we stepped inside and tried to call me out for what I did to her in front of everybody.

Normally, I'd jump at the chance to claim an evil deed I committed, but all the stares I was receiving made me withdraw my boasts. Instead, I tried to pin the blame on her for attempting to make off with my frog-slaying reward. She did have it coming, after all.

I'm not too sure if my defense worked or not, but thanks to her I'm paranoid that half of the guild is out for my blood. My own two teammates included.

Speaking of Aqua and Megumin, they expressed interest in Darkness after she flat-out _demanded_ to be put on the team. While I quietly seated myself, doing my best to lay low for a while, Megumin reviewed Darkness' Adventurer Card to the rest of us.

"Hang on – according to her card, she's a Crusader! Physical defense, magical defense, strength, stamina, they're almost maxed out all the way. She could very easily take hits and dish 'em out like it's nothing! We'd be crazy to turn down somebody as powerful as her. Why are you so hesitant about letting her in, Jack?"

"Look, all I'm saying is that if she wants to be with us so badly, she needs to be able to pull her weight."

Plus, she's giving me some pretty conflicting emotions whenever I'm around her.

Darkness tightly gripped the table and maintained steady eye contact with me.

"Mr. Spicer, I assure you, I am more than capable of pulling my weight in this team. Despite my terrible aim, I am plenty durable. Please, do not be discouraged in using me as a human meat shield. I don't mind at all, really – I don't!"

I rest my case.

Well, if she's so insistent on it, might as well give her the full sense of the scope.

"Alright, listen up Darkness – and you too Megumin! Aqua and I are on an important mission that is not for the faint of heart. We plan on killing the Devil King himself. Now we have our own reasons for doing so- -"

"Yeah! I'm doing it because...uhm, I need to...avenge my hometown! Yeah, that's it! The Devil King's army laid waste to my village and now I wanna kick his ass for it!"

"Right…That's her reason. Anyway, Darkness, if you really are dead set on joining us, then will you be ready to square off against the Devil King himself?"

The blonde didn't even hesitate nor stutter. "I knew full well of the risks associated with the path of a Crusader. For you see, becoming the Devil King's erotic plaything has been a female knight's duty. And that alone makes it worthwhile to go!"

"What?"

"I am sorry, is something wrong?"

"Did you say erotic something or other?"

"No?"

…

"Okay then. What about you Megu- -"

The child wizard slammed her boot on the table and posed with her cape swishing behind her like she's Batman.

"My name is Megumin! All Archwizards will bow before the one who dethrones the Devil King, and that one will be me! He thinks he's so superior to this rest of us just because he has unholy powers beyond imagination. In the name of the Crimson Demons, I shalt slay him with the strongest magic in the land!"

A waft of silence passed over everyone at the table. Megumin quietly sat back down and, in a smug-like manner, adjusted her hat over her head. She didn't say anything else afterward.

Although, Aqua leaned over to nervously whisper her concerns into my ear.

"H-hey, Jack? After hearing those two say all that stuff, I'm not so sure if we should do this anymore. I mean, taking on the Devil King is pretty crazy."

"You think I don't know that? But we don't really have a choice in the matter now do we? Besides you of all people should be motivated. You need to get back home to that limbo place."

Just then, the town PA system (the only other technologically advanced thing around here besides the magic printer) went off and announced that there was an emergency that required all able adventurers to report outside of the front gates immediately. Everyone inside the guild soon ran outside to cut through the city.

I was going through the motions by running alongside my fellow guild members. On my way to the main gates, I noticed how distressed the townsfolk appeared to be. Whatever this emergency quest was all about, it must be horrible.

So why am _I_ running towards certain doom? Ain't that the million eris question.

All the adventurers and even some town guards blocked the front entrance of the gate and fixed their gazes on the open fields. The sky was polluted with dark storm clouds, though I could've sworn it was clear not too long ago.

Utilizing my new Farsight skill, I could see far off into the distance what everybody else was seeing as though I were looking through a set of binoculars.

A large green dust cloud was approaching us, and it didn't show any signs of stopping.

"Oh god, what is that? Is this an invasion!? Did the Devil King hear me trash-talking behind his back and now he's sending his army after me?!"

The large scary man with the mohawk haircut must've overheard my mini freak-out because he said, "What are babbling about, boy? It's just harvesting season again, that's all."

"Wait – what does that have to do with anything?"

"Looks like they're especially ripe this year," said a muscular man with a thin brown mustache and matching crew cut hairstyle.

"What's ripe?"

"You said it Sedol, the cooks are gonna be ecstatic tonight," commented another muscular man with a long leather coat and yellow pompadour.

"Why the cooks?"

"I know Heinz, they're gonna have to use a wheelbarrow to push me outta the kitchen once I'm through!" shouted yet another muscular man with blonde curly hair, wearing a horned mask on his face.

"What the fuck is going on here!?"

Thankfully, Darkness was able to shed some light on the situation (wordplay is worth its weight in gold).

"When the season is just right, Flying Cabbages make their migratory path through this city."

"…Say what now?"

Megumin struck a reserved, yet somehow cinematic pose and covered part of her face with her hand like the chuunibyou she is.

"A tempest cometh..."

The dust cloud settled and, sure enough, it was a large horde of Flying Cabbages.

It's official. I've seen everything life has to offer. I can finally retire now.

"Time to bust out the mayonnaise!" cheered Aqua.

My evil, scientific mind was having tremendous difficulty processing this.

"I thought the expression was, 'when pigs fly', not produce."

"You see, Jackie, in this world, cabbages fly. During harvest time, when they've reached peak flavor, they don't sit around and wait to be eaten. They careen through the cities and meadows, across the continent and the ocean until they reach a secluded place where they eventually die without being eaten. It's such a waste…So we should catch as many as we can and turn them into delicious meals to eat!"

"I will not dignify that with a response."

"But you just did, you silly NEET you~"

"Screw off."

Luna grabbed a crude-looking megaphone as guards were setting up large cages behind her. "Get ready everyone, make sure to deposit the remains in these cages! These cabbages are some of the best we've had in years, so each head will be worth 10,000 eris!"

With that said, all of the adventurers charged at the horde in a unionized battle cry. Some sliced the Flying Cabbages with their swords while others sniped them from afar with arrows. There was even a girl with pink hair and matching bunny ears pummeling some with a pair of nunchucks.

I feel like I should be more shocked at the sheer insanity of it all, but then again, my world was also just as mad. Judging the situation here would be like a meth head judging a crack head for abusing drugs: no one side has a real say in anything.

The men and women were doing a decent job killing the aerial veggies, but more of them would soon come to avenge their fallen brethren.

I felt someone place their hand on my shoulder, and I turned to see Darkness staring confidently at the scene in front of us.

"Allow me to show you my skills as a Crusader and prove my worth to you," she said with a determined smirk.

The questionable Crusader unsheathed her sword from its scabbard and firmly grasped it in her hands. With a war cry that made me slightly envious (but only slightly), Darkness charged at a small group of Flying Cabbages that had clustered together. She took a mighty swing…

…and missed by a laughable margin. She swung her blade back around her targets and they merely hovered above it. Growling, Darkness performed an upward jump strike with her weapon, and the vegetables scattered all around her.

At this point, it seemed like they were just playing around with her. The mean greens would close in on Darkness only to move away at the very last second when she sliced nothing but the air.

Quite frankly, it was sad to watch. Even an idiot like me with no martial arts or self-defense training could probably take on airborne veggies.

A cry for help tore Darkness' attention away from her opponents as more adventurers were being overwhelmed. The Flying Cabbages dive-bombed right into the fighters at Mach speed and sent the poor suckers down for the count. All the healers were going into overdrive healing all the injured. Though for some reason, I couldn't find Aqua anywhere.

Lazy bum, can't be bothered to do her one and only freakin' job – OH CRAP THAT CABBAGE IS COMIN' RIGHT FOR ME!

Something white obstructed the view of my impending doom and let out a grunt in the process. Darkness…?

"Retreat to safety! I've got this!"

She was without her sword and blocking incoming cabbages with her forearms. Their speed and velocity nudged her in place slightly, but she otherwise remained rooted in the ground undeterred.

More and more cabbages flew into Darkness in rapid-fire succession. She continued to block until she decided to, for whatever reason, spread her arms wide like she was welcoming them into her chest.

Despite telling me to retreat (which I would've gladly already have done under normal circumstances), I continued to stand a few feet behind her. I don't know why, but I could not for the life of me will myself to leave Darkness behind. Maybe it was because watching her take those hits like a champ was too mesmerizing for me. Or maybe it was seeing someone willingly defend me like that struck a chord somewhere. Or maybe- -

As more and more kamikaze vegetables threw themselves at Darkness, her armor began to crack from the sheer force of each impact until, eventually, it broke off completely.

Oh my god, they're even bigger than what the breastplates lead me to believe.

Even in just her black fabric bodysuit, Darkness prevailed in standing her ground. Meanwhile, Flying Cabbages continued to increase the assault on her face, arms, legs, and chest.

Was it my imagination, or did they seem really eager to target that last area in particular?

The woman blushed up a storm and proceeded to space out, supposedly preoccupied in her own little world. Then the cabbages started to rip through some of the fabric, exposing her silky skin underneath. I sharply hissed through my teeth in embarrassment and blushed like crazy too.

Some of the female adventurers were urging Darkness to run away, but with me depending on her to be my human meat shield, she never staggered.

"I cannot abandon my comrades in battle – _GAH~!_ I c-can't…I WON'T!"

With each Flying Cabbage coming into contact with Darkness, a new tear was added to her bodysuit. I also noticed that a lot of the guys in the area seemingly forgot their manners and openly stared at her, wonder and lust clear as day in their eyes.

Amidst all the chaos, I could distinctly hear Darkness mumble something to herself.

"They're watching me…Routh, uncouth men are looking at my naked skin and getting aroused. It's shameful…it's filthy…it's- -"

" **\- -GLORIOUS!** "

In spite of the raging sea of hormones, it finally clicked. So much so that I actually snapped my fingers in realization.

"Oh, OH! I get it, I GET IT NOW! She's one of those masochistic types!"

...

"And it took me this long to put two and two together - man, I suck at reading women..."

Megumin formed a stance and a red cipher circle summoned beneath her feet in the middle of the crowd.

"Enough waiting! It is now Megumin's time to shine. I can no longer hold in the throbbing, hot desire to unleash Explosion magic on such a massive horde!"

Did she say what I think she said?

" _Oh, blackness shrouded in light…_

_Frenzied blaze clad in night…_

_In the name of the Crimson Demons, let the collapse of thine origin manifest._

_Summon before me the root of thy power hidden within the lands of the kingdom of ash!_

_Explosion!_ "

Megumin pointed her staff in the middle of the cabbage horde and more magic rings hovered over that spot. Adventurers that were nearby scattered when the rings were summoned into existence. They unleashed the Explosion, and most of the unfortunate vegetables fried to death.

However, the blast radius continued to expand to where Darkness and I were standing.

I covered my eyes and booked it out of there, leaving the blonde Crusader to scream into the whirlwind of flames...

* * *

Night fell on Axel, and every adventurer was back at the guild celebrating the successful harvest. Although, I'm not sure if "successful" is what I would use to describe it. Eh, at least I got paid for it.

Everybody was scarfing down on some stir-fried cabbage and chatting it up with their respective party members. As for mine…well, they were eating in peace, thankfully.

Megumin had fully restored her mana from earlier and Darkness had already put back on her armor, now cracked and singed in some places. I'm surprised there was even anything left of it after the explosion. Although, I think I should be more surprised that there was even anything left of the _person_ wearing the armor.

Either way, I was busy wolfing down my meal as if I hadn't eaten anything in days, much like Megumin.

"Y'know, I normally hate eating greens, but those chefs really outdid themselves with this stir-fried cabbage. It tastes amazing."

"Heh, _weeeell,_ you can thank your benevolent goddess for washing them beforehand with her purified water~"

"I believe I aided in the cooking process with my Explosion, thank you," added Megumin, her mouth full as well.

The small mage swallowed her latest bite and turned to the quiet older woman eating peacefully.

"I gotta say, you were really something out there, Darkness. I have never seen anything that could withstand a blast from my Explosion magic like that before! Even without your armor, you're tough as nails!"

Darkness dropped the fork she was guiding into her mouth onto her plate in surprise at the Megumin's words. She smiled meekly.

"Oh, uh, why thank you! However, my armor is just the ceremonial Eris standard: it's mainly decorative and I really only wear it to show my denomination. I'm just built solidly is all. Being used as a shield is all I'm good for, honestly. Besides, if anybody is to be praised for this year's successful harvest, it should be Jack."

I was so unprepared for a genuine compliment by an attractive older woman, I did an involuntary spit take on the ground.

What? She caught me drinking water, okay?

"Wait…really?"

Aqua scooched closer and playfully poked my cheek as she put my doubts to rest. Was it Opposite Day or something?

"Duh, really! Using your new Lurk skill while stabbing those cabbages in the back was quick thinking. You were like some kind of cabbage ninja out there."

She jokingly pretended to tap my shoulders with an imaginary sword.

"Jack Spicer, In the name of myself, I hereby dub thee, 'The Cabbage Ninja'."

"Huh. 'Jack Spicer, Cabbage Ninja', eh? Hmm. It's unconventional…it's ambiguous…I like it! Has a nice ring to it."

Megumin took my musings as an opportunity to add her two cents on the matter. "Don't forget about the part where he flew around to capture the fleeing cabbages using that miraculous device on his back! I had no idea you were in possession of a magical levitation item this whole time! Tell me, where did you obtain such a divine relic?"

"Oh, you mean my HeliBot? My Granny gave it to me as a gift on my seventh birthday. Also, it's not a magical item or a divine relic, it's an advanced piece of tech. But thanks for the compliment anyway."

Darkness stood up straight and proceeded to speak loud and proud, much like how we first met.

"Yes, well, now you all know what I am capable of, both as a Crusader and ally. So once again: I am Darkness! Even though I wield a two-handed sword, please do not expect too much of me. I am far too clumsy, and my attacks rarely hit their mark. However, I make for an impenetrable wall as well as a trusted friend!"

A paladin who can't hit worth a damn but has god-like toughness. I suppose I can make her work somehow. A true genius knows how to set up his henchmen tactfully by playing into their strengths and balancing out their weaknesses. Consider this a challenge to my strategic mind.

That being said, Darkness signaled me out by facing me directly.

"Well, Jack, now that we are allies, do not hesitate to use me as your shield. Should I fail to live up to my duties, feel free to reprimand me harshly; abandon me to the clutches of your enemies if you wish. I-I would not mind their clutches at all… _hah~_ "

I can't decide whether I find her masochism borderline scary or arousing. Still…not only is she the first person who willingly wanted to hang out with me, but the first to actually be happy about it. I am not saying she is interested in me personally however, I'd have to force her at gunpoint for that to happen. And even then, something tells me most people in that situation would rather kiss the bullet than me.

"Good sir, I look forward to working for you."

She held out her hand, most likely inviting me to shake on it. After a second that felt like an eternity, I silently shook it. Her hand had a surprisingly soft, yet strong grip to it. My constantly calculating brain ran a mile a minute, even long after the handshake was over.

"Our party is turning out to have quite the impressive roster, don't ya think? First, we have me, an Archpriest. Then Megumin, an Archwizard. And now Darkness, a Crusader! There aren't many parties where three out of the four members are advanced classes."

I couldn't be bothered to decipher if Aqua was throwing shade at me or just being a plain idiot. I resigned to nodding and doodling on a napkin while the girls talked amongst themselves.

I imagine if Wuya were here to see my latest army of evil, she'd probably say something to downplay my efforts like the bitch she is.

_"This is what you call evil? You all look like bigger losers than Jack!"_

I still remember that little comment she made so long ago. I didn't show at the time since I was busy being used as a basketball by the Fearsome Four, but what she said really cut me deep down.

Like, really deep.

I can normally shrug off most insults that come my way, but she happened to say that while I was dealing with some pretty bad anxiety at the time (personal reasons). I ended up crying myself to sleep for the following few nights after that.

I tightened the grip on my fork as I made a mental vow to never blubber like a baby again in this new world. That was in the past, this is the future. I repeated this mantra in my head until I was certain my self-esteem gained a level up from grinding.

Who knows, maybe this is my chance to begin anew, after all.

"By the way Jack, I don't think you ever told us why you want to kill the Devil King."

"I'm curious as well. Care to tell us, if you like?"

"Yeah! Spill the beans my man, what's your motive?"

Megumin, Darkness, and Aqua all leaned in closer to me with that same spark of intrigue lighting their faces.

I know what I said before about forgoing partnerships with other humans who can and will hurt me, but…Aww, fuck it. One more chance, and that'll be it.

Besides, they're willing to hear me out, and who am I to disappoint eager fans?

"Well, my reason is quite simple, really. Word on the street is that I get one free wish out of killing this Devil King guy, and if there's anything I want the most on my wish list, it's WD. And I ain't talkin' about Wrestling & Doritos, I'm talkin' about _World Domination!_ To better understand this, imagine if this bowl of cabbage stir fry is the planet and this fork here is our federation's flag…"

I stood up and violently plunged my fork deep into the bowl of vegetables like how I stabbed a Giant Frog. I had taken the liberty of doodling my skull insignia on a napkin and taping it to the handle of the fork to make it look like a miniature flag. It stood upright, tall and proud as it was planted into the green leafy earth. I envisioned the little setup as though I had just conquered one large continent.

It was only a matter of time before I got to do the real thing.

"…See that? That right there is the big picture I'm reaching towards. And with the help of you lovely ladies, we can make this dream a reality. Together, world domination…IS OURS!"

After letting loose my trademark evil laugh, I opened my eyes to careful scan their reactions…


	5. Receiving a Noise Complaint

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With questing temporarily off the table, Jack and his new army decide to dick around for a bit until business kicks back up. And what better way to pass the time than by casting some Explosion magic! The neighbors are less than pleased.

Despite the boisterous and blissfully ignorant atmosphere inside the Adventurer's Guild, the silence from these three girls was deafening. If it weren't for their heaving chests to indicate they were still breathing, I would've assumed they'd died sitting up. Their blank stares were unmoving, though their eyes would occasionally dart at one another for a hot second before returning back to me.

…

Aaaaand just like that, it's awkward now.

What did I do wrong? I got through my main points, I concentrated on my articulation, I stayed relatively on topic for once – hell, I even topped it off with my trademark evil laugh for badness sake! So why aren't they saying anything!?

My monologue was admittedly shorter compared to others in the past, granted, but that shouldn't be the problem here. I poured my wretched heart and soul into that delivery, that much should be evident to them.

Oh, don't tell me they _still_ don't believe me! I can somewhat (though not really) understand why Aqua and Megumin aren't buying it, but Darkness is new to the team. Plus, she's a holy knight! She of all people should take me as a serious threat to her country!

Wait, no, that's not what I want at all.

Come to think of it, what if they actually do believe me and they're planning to ambush me right over the table!? Aw crap, I didn't think of that! Why do I always Jack things up too soon!?

"Aw heck yeah! Sounds like a plan, Jack!"

Aqua got up from her seat to stand beside me. Her eyes were hardened, her smirk was wide, and her fists were curled up tightly in front of her chest. All in all, she looked pumped.

"I should've known you meant business since the moment I laid eyes on you. But your speech, your inspiring speech has moved my heart to tears…! You can sign me up, 'cause we're in this together, buddy! Partners for life!"

Aqua…? Was that…was that really you…?

I suddenly heard the distinctive sound of a cape swishing dramatically in the wind. Since I didn't pack my evil cape reserved for special occasions, that can only be the work of- -

"I, Megumin, the certified genius of Crimson Demons worldwide, recognize your passion for all things evil – and I respect that! Just by listening to your words alone, I can tell that you are one who takes nothing from nobody. You may not be a Crimson Demon, but you've certainly got the spirit of one."

"M-Megumin…? You too?"

My favorite little pyromaniac pointed the tip of her wooden staff in my face. Her freaky, hellish eyes lit up while that iconic smug smirk of hers was back in action.

At this rate, I'll have to call her "Smugumin" if she keeps that up.

"However, I'll be damned if I'm gonna let you make that wish all on your own. If anybody's going to take over the world, it's gonna be ME!"

Oh. Well then. Looks like I've earned myself yet another "taking-over-the-world rival". Progress, I guess? I dunno.

Either way, if Aqua and Megumin are on board, then all that leaves is Darkness- -

\- -Woah! Did that woman always have Parkinson's disease and I just didn't notice till now?

When I turned to meet her, she was still standing in the same spot as before with her arms supporting her upper body above the table. But now those arms were shaking at an alarming rate, and her head hung so low, it was as if she went into a state of shock. Was she about to die on me or what?

With very little warning, Darkness arched her back and vocalized a noise that could put any hentai voice actress to shame. Once she was done with…that, she looked back at me with lazy eyes and a completely flushed face.

God, I know I don't exactly believe in you, but please have mercy on my poor virgin soul.

"Y-YOU… _you_ …you detestable creature! Tricking three young girls into becoming your submissive minions for global tyranny. I can't believe it. It's so evil, it's sickening…"

Now that I'm fully aware of her masochism, I'm not really sure what to make of her reaction. I stole a quick glance at Aqua, who poured herself a glass of water using Nature's Beauty, obliviously. Megumin seemed slightly put off by Darkness' behavior, but I guess she wanted to be polite because she didn't say a word.

Regardless of how potentially uncomfortable her new companions felt, the perverted Crusader carried on, though this time she talked more to herself than anything.

"However, I knew that joining this fiend's party was for the greater good. Perhaps I can still save these two girls from the clutches of his pale, grimy, gargantuan hands."

"Hey! My hands may be pale and the size of baseball gloves, but they are not grimy! …Are they?"

"Spicer! I will remain by your side in hopes that you may have a change of heart, or, at the very least, release these two maidens from your wickedness. It doesn't matter what you do to me: berate me, abuse me, convert me into a brain-dead doll to live out your twisted fantasies, I'll endure it! You may break me physically, but you will never crack my heart…"

"Seriously, are my hands really that dirty…?"

After inspecting my hands, I pocketed my fingerless gloves and surveyed the newest additions to my army of evil. I'll admit, the whole thing was extremely surreal for me. An ex-goddess, a magical child prodigy, and an altruistic knight supporting my diabolical ideology when the former two didn't buy it at first and the latter was supposed to be against such notions? Talk about crazy!

And the fact that two-thirds of the girls (Megumin doesn't count since she's too young) are absolutely bangin' is like icing on the cake. Devil's Food Cake to be exact. You can't get eviler than that.

"Seeing you guys so understanding of my complex motivations is just…it's just…"

I paused to sniffle, my emotions getting the better of me as usual.

"It brings a tear to this villain's albino eye. Tell ya what, lemme go wash my hands first, and when I come back we can discuss how we want to divide the world up into an evil federation. As a team. I'll be right back!"

With that, I made a mad dash to the bathroom, dodging patrons and nearly bumping into a waitress or two along the way. Once inside, I shut the door behind me with my back and leaned against it to catch my breath. Even with all of my experience in battling for Shen Gong Wu back home, I was still a little out of shape.

Regardless, I shuffled my way to the nearest sink and turned on the faucet (at least this world's humans were smart enough to invent running water along with a basic sewer system).

"Man, I must have a way with words if I was able to convince two skeptics and a Crusader about my plans. I owe it to YesBot for helping me overcome my initial stage fright way back when; I would've clammed up out there otherwise. But I guess anyone can overcome stage fright so long as you're passionate about what you're saying. And nothing gets me more fired up than plotting for world domination: my favorite pastime! _Neeheeheeheeheeheee..._ "

"Do you always ramble to yourself like that or are you just insane?"

A voice spooked me from my rant. I turned to see Satou a few sinks away, washing his own hands. He was looking at me with an annoyed scowl. I gladly returned the look.

"For your information, 'Green Bean', I had to find some kind of outlet to entertain myself as an only child. Speaking my thoughts out loud was a natural side-effect of that. Whatever, you wouldn't get it."

"…I beg to differ…"

"What?"

"Nothing. Look, I overheard some of that crazy talk you were spitting to your party before I came in here. They don't believe you. Neither do I for that matter."

" _HAH!_ Yeah right! You heard what they had to say: they love it, and they're all in! You're just jealous that Mr. Up-And-Coming King of the World here has been getting quite the attention from the opposite sex. But hey, what can I say? Chicks are into bad boys, and if there's one thing I'm good at, it's being bad, baby!"

I took notice of Satou's twitching eye as we were drying our hands off at the towel rack. Did he get soap in it? I hope so, that's what he gets for trying to start beef with Evil Teen Genius, Jack Spicer!

"As much as I can't stand you douche bag narcissists, at least you're taking the attention off of me and Yunyun. But like I said, those girls are faking their enthusiasm. Probably because they think you're a raging lunatic. In fact, most people in the guild think you're weird. I thought they were just talking about your physical appearance, but now I see that the rabbit hole goes much deeper than that. I don't necessarily like you, but as a word of caution, make sure you think before you speak. Laws aren't nearly as overbearing here as they are on Earth. That tongue of yours might get yourself killed if you piss off the wrong guy…assuming they can take you seriously."

And just like that, Satou left the bathroom before I could get another word in.

"…What's that guy's problem!? Is he implying that I can't be cool, calm, and collected? He doesn't know me! I can definitely be cool, calm, and collected! I'll find that punk and show it to him right in the kisser!"

I power-walked out of the bathroom and scanned the entire dining hall to search for that tracksuit-wearing motherfricker so I could give him a piece of my superior mind.

I passed by a row of wooden support columns when _it_ happened.

"Now do you girls see what I was talking about when I warned you about our nutty party member?"

I felt my stomach drop like I was going down on a rollercoaster, only there was no amusement to go along with it.

I heard those dreaded words come out of Aqua's mouth from behind the pole where I was standing. Even with all the ruckus of adventurers eating and drinking till their hearts' content, I could still make out my own team talking about me with crystal clarity.

"Yeah, although I'm not too quick to jump aboard the idea that he's crazy per se. We all saw his Adventurer Card, the dude's a brilliant scholar. But I think Aqua's theory about Jack being a long-lost member of my tribe makes sense. In my eyes at least, he's got all the qualities of a Crimson Demon fresh off the academy! Though the claim to villainy is a bit much in my opinion. I mean, who in their right mind actively _wants_ to be a bad guy? True, I wanted to be the Devil King when I was a kid, but I wised up and realized that that was wrong when I grew older."

"Megumin's right, something about his way of thinking seems to be a tad off. While I personally have no qualms with participating in his fabricated sadistic games, there is a fine line between consensual play and malicious intent. I'll continue to play along and keep a watchful eye on him just to make sure he doesn't start any animosity amongst the townsfolk…not that I particularly mind taking on the burden of being his personal punching bag or anything."

"Good thinking, Darkness. For now, let's keep going through with my plan of playing pretend with him. Remember, no matter how absurd, smile and nod. Got it?"

The rest of their conversation was drowned out by the ringing in my ears, along with the rest of the guild.

They were faking it? Like Satou said they were?

No. No. Nonono – that's not right – it's not right! I thought they would be different, that they'd at least respect my decision, but no; they don't believe me! The guild doesn't believe me! Does nobody in the goddamn multiverse believe in me anymore!?

Oh shit…it's Second Grade all over again.

I fell back against the pole as my knees threatened to buckle. That god-awful tingling sensation I hated so much invaded my extremities, abusing the nerves within to the point of numbing. Still, I used those hands to hide my face in shame before the tears could leak out. My breath hitched, and it felt like the gravity in the room lessened as a nauseating light crept into my peripheral vision.

And all the while, that damn ringing was getting louder by the second…

…

I removed my shaking hands from my face and lazily glanced around. Nobody noticed my silent nervous breakdown. Guess I should consider myself lucky, even if my actual luck stat is garbage.

Get a grip, Jack, you can't lose it now. It hasn't been a month yet and already you're freaking out more than ever. I can't take over the world in this sorry state, I need to calm down. Just do the breathing exercises like you were told…Okay, there, that's a little bit better.

Now, if I want to defeat the Devil King and his army, I need to get my shit together. Not even a few minutes after my personal vow and I'm already silently sobbing in public. At least this time it was silent.

Alright, you know what, Aqua? Megumin? Darkness? Fine. I'll let you think whatever you want to think. Go ahead and humor the strange albino kid like he's none the wiser. I'll just imagine to myself that you actually agree with me and aren't joking around.

But when that fateful day comes that I overthrow the Devil King at his castle and wish to take over the world, you'll get your wake-up call.

Trust me.

* * *

New day, same me.

I was seated at an empty table in the Adventurer's Guild, not doing much of anything. The girls roped me into coming here with them so they could do some errands, which means less time for me to build murder robots and more time being bored out of my demented skull!

Just to make the monotony go by a little bit faster, I skimmed through some of the "updates" I had received on my Adventurer Card from yesterday's cabbage harvest. Surprise, surprise, I had shot up to Level 8 without realizing it. I'd say that put me at least two Levels ahead of the game compared to the rest of my team (exactly the kind of forward-thinking I needed to help me get through the rest of the morning).

I was also taking a look at a comprehensive list of some of the more specialized classes for when I eventually jump ship from the generic "Adventurer" job. The guilds issue these pamphlets out to aspiring newbies like us to peruse through. And I gotta say, there's a cornucopia of cool and badass classes to choose from!

The only major drawback, however, is that they all have a certain Level prerequisite in order to be unlocked. The lowest Level requirements I've seen thus far are in the mid-to-high-20s. In other words, bullshit.

But on the dark side, one of the jobs that caught my eye was on the low end of the spectrum: only requiring the user to be at least Level 24. It was actually a subclass of Blacksmith affectionately called "Battlesmith".

_A battle-ready variant of the local market Blacksmith, this intermediate job grants the same upper body strength as a Blacksmith but with all the swiftness of a Thief. Any homemade objects crafted under this class will be magically endowed with twice the strength and durability for double efficiency out on the battlefield._

_Side effects may include body aches, slight fever, itching, burning, watery eyes, and frequent urination._

I don't know about you, but I think I may have found my dream job! It's everything I've ever wanted and maybe just a little bit more. Where has this class been all my life?

Sadly, it's gonna take a fuckton of grinding and leveling up to achieve the rank of Battlesmith. So for the time being, I'm stuck as your bog-standard, run-of-the-mill adventurer with very little in the way of survival skills. But not all is lost. I do have enough skill points to acquire a basic magic skill that should be useful in the wild.

I selected the skill and once again felt the genetic code that made me, me, getting rewritten by forces I couldn't begin to fathom.

After the feeling dissipated, I placed an empty glass cup in front of me. I then opened the palm of my hand over the glass and readied myself for…something.

"Erm, Create…Water?"

Clean water gently spewed out of my palm and poured itself into the cup. And all without a single droplet getting spilled to boot.

I'll admit, I'm still having somewhat of a hard time coming to grips with the fact that I can casually perform magic by myself, no Chinese artifacts involved. But with Sandbox Mode…I dunno, it feels more video game-y than magic-y. That, and the actual process of constructing robots is still very much grounded in scientific reality.

Plus, the whole mana thing raises some serious questions. Did I always have a set amount of mana dormant in my system? If not, then do non-magical humans gain mana when entering this world? Stuff like that.

Eh, well, thought food for another day. I resigned to drinking my hand water in victory for now. Strangely refreshing.

"Omi thinks he's sooooo special 'cuz he spent years of meditation all to manipulate H2O. Well, guess what, Cheeseball? Jack Spicer, Evil Teen Genius learned it in under a minute; no training required! The only other skills I need now are Tinder, Create Earth, and Wind Breath. Then I can have all the Monks' elemental powers and truly become a _Jack_ of all trades. Wait, didn't I already make that joke?"

Before I could think my joke over, I was interrupted by the latest addition to the party when she approached me with glee in her eyes and sparkles in her armor.

"Jack, look! I had my armor repaired with the bounty I received from the cabbage harvest. Does it not look absolutely brilliant? Tell me, what do you think?"

"Looks the same to me."

Smooth move, Romeo. Wuya was right: I really do need to think before I speak.

"Oh honestly! Would it hurt you to pay a lady a compliment every now and again? …Heh… _hehe._ You're so rough, you hardly show me any mercy~"

"Uh, I, uh…"

I quickly shook my head to dispel certain thoughts from running rampant in my brain.

"Please dial back on the lewd comments. Megumin over there is already making enough innuendos without you."

The young teenager I was referring to was practically molesting her own staff. She had gone ahead and used her share of the earnings to upgrade it with something called a Manatite crystal. From what I hear, it acts as a sort of lightning rod for a person's mana reserves and amplifies it. It replaced the blue orb she had previously.

Anyway, she was too preoccupied mumbling to herself about how her staff was just "throbbing" with power. It was very suggestive with or without context.

"THAT'S ALL!? What're Ya tryin' to pull here!? I caught a ton of cabbages and _that's_ all you're offering!?"

A particular water goddess incognito was grabbing an innocent Luna by the collar and shaking her about like a stuffed animal. The receptionist, meanwhile, was doing her best to calmly defuse the situation.

"Umm, well, actually, regarding your haul from the harvest…"

"Go on…"

"I'm afraid most of what you caught consisted primarily of lettuce."

"You mean some of those Flying Cabbages were actually Flying _Lettuce!?_ Are you kidding me!?"

I had to plug my ears to tune out the banshee that was my party member. Darkness even went as far as to gently pat my shoulder to let me know that she was there for me. She was still staring at Aqua, so thankfully my blush went by unnoticed.

I didn't have to cover my ears for long, though, because Aqua suddenly stopped screaming. She must've finally settled things down with the receptionist. Hallelujah! It's an early Christmas miracle! Now I can kick my feet up, close my eyes, and bask in the tranquil silence.

"Oh, Jack-Jack~"

Dang it, Aqua, cockroaches are easier to get rid of than you.

"Exactly how much did you get from the cabbage harvest? Do tell!"

"Hmm? A little over 100,000 eris. I would've earned more if those little guys weren't so slippery. Why do you ask?"

I cracked one eye open to find Aqua standing very close beside me with a wide smile etched in her checks. She giggled – and as much as I hate to admit it – it was actually pretty cute.

"Jack, I've been meaning to tell you for a while now, but I think you're…cool! Yeah, that's the word, cool!"

"Ooo, insincere flattery; now we're in business. Keep going."

I could've sworn I heard the other two girls mutter something under their breaths, but there was no way I was gonna let this opportunity go to waste. Now if only I could record Aqua's voice and have her very own words play over the PA speakers in an endless loop. Then I'd feel complete.

"Are you for real…? Err, I mean, yeah! Not only are you cool, but you're also stylish, Spicer-sama! I'm sorta/kinda/not really surprised that the ladies from your hometown weren't dropping by your doorstep every day. You're such a genius- -"

"Ah, bup-bup. What _kind_ of genius?"

"Oh, sorry, _evil_ genius. Silly me! Sooo, because you're such an amazingly talented individual, do ya think you could maybe loan me some money…?"

"I see now, you want a piece of my cut. Hmmm…Tell ya what: you put me in a good mood, so I'll return the favor and spot ya. How much do you need? 100 eris? 1,000 eris?"

"More like 100,000 eris."

I waved my arms in a last-ditch effort to prevent me from falling flat on my back. Suffice to say, it didn't work.

After popping my sore back, I gave the brainless blue twit the most incredulous expression I could make, just to get it through to her thick skull that she's out of her mind.

"That's my entire bounty! What, do you think I'm made of money over here, woman!? Forget it, outta the question."

Faster than I could blink, Aqua flopped onto the table kicking and crying, almost making me fall backwards for a second time.

"Oh please let me borrow your money, Spicer-sama! Please, please, PLEEEEEASE!"

"Give me one decent reason as to why I should lend you even a cent of my hard-earned cash. And while you're at it, let go of my trench coat! This is my only one and I don't want you to stain it with your tears."

"I thought I'd get a bigger reward on our quest but I didn't and I owe these two scary guys money and I don't know what to do I thought I'd be rich by now so I racked up a bar tab of 100,000 eris and now I have to pay up!"

I think I'm starting to see now why people have a hard time following along whenever I speak. Hell, even I don't know what I'm trying to say half the time. Sometimes my brain moves faster than my mouth, y'know?

Regardless, given Aqua's apparent alcoholism, I can deduce that she owes the bar tab money. But 100,000 eris? Really!? This girl needs professional help, I swear.

Come to think of it, all four of us need professional help.

"I have no idea how you haven't died of alcohol poisoning yet, but this is still your mess of a problem! While you waste your eris on drinks, I'm going to see if I can't invest mine into renting an apartment. I don't know about you, but I'm sick of sleeping on Old MacDonald's farm every single night! I crave personal space."

I half-expected Aqua to simply give up or continue bawling some more, but that deceptive blue-haired vixen had a trick up her detached sleeve.

Still situated on top of the table, she crawled on all fours and wiggled her holy round ass in the air, causing my ancestral caveman urges to go buck-wild.

"Well, you are a _teen_ genius, after all. And every adolescent should have a place of their own. Especially considering that one night I heard you rustling around next to me, breathing heavy moaning sounds like you had a tummy ache- -"

I frantically slapped my hand over her mouth before she could get another peep in.

"Take the money but please, for the love of evil, PUT A SOCK IN IT!"

Anxiously looking over to my other two teammates, I saw Megumin and Darkness staring at us with confused expressions. My grin could not have been any more forced.

* * *

After begrudgingly forking over all of my profits to that spoiled brat, Aqua had the audacity to suggest shopping for some new clothes fitting for an Adventurer. Her reasoning (if you could even call it that, which I sure don't) was that my emo/goth/punk fashion was clashing with the fantasy world aesthetic.

And she said all of this to me as if she didn't just rob me blind a couple of minutes ago!

I had to stubbornly remind her that I wanted people to be able to easily recognize their future supreme overlord. Aqua merely flipped her hair like a self-entitled popular high school girl and dropped the conversation, saying that it would be a "hopeless endeavor to change my childish mind".

Ain't that the pot calling the kettle black.

But now with a full party of semi-adequate ladies at my arsenal, today marked the day as the true start to my ruling over this world.

I proudly stood in front of my (what was it now, fourteenth?) evil team once Aqua's little debacle was settled.

"Alright, gang, we get to pick our very first quest to do together. You in?"

Megumin was the first to voice in her answer. "Yes, we should pick a quest with lots of small-fry monsters so I can test out my gorgeous new staff!"

Darkness brandished her sword and panted like an excited dog. "No, wait! We should go after strong monsters; oh yes, massive and brutal!"

Aqua raised her fist sky-high as she declared, "No, we should all go on a quest with a huge payout, regardless of the subject matter! I need me a decent meal!"

Maybe I should've had a screening process _before_ agreeing to let them stay.

Anyway, the four of us carefully examined the quest board together. One of my party members pointed at one blemished with danger stamps.

"Oh, Jack! There's a quest that requires us to slay a vicious nocturnal creature called The Black Fang. It looks extremely dangerous, let's accept!"

"Absolutely. NOT! I happen to like living thank you very much."

Another piped up. "How about this one: 'Fire Resistant Bees have made large nests in Axel Town's farmhouses. Destroy the bees and their nests without causing property damage'."

"You only know one move and it's a fire-based attack that obliterates everything that isn't fire-resistant. I want you to think about that for a while and let it sink in."

Besides, I don't wanna pull another Nicholas Cage after the Ju-Ju-Flytrap incident.

I dutifully inspected the board once more before shrugging in resignation.

"Well, we could always kill some more Giant Frogs for a quick cash grab?"

"NO, NO FROGS!"

Megumin hid her head under her hat while Aqua got into the fetal position on the floor and mumbled sweet nothings to herself to make her happy. Darkness was the only one left out and she seemed to be rather confused at their reactions.

"Are they alright?"

"Remember when we first met, and I said we got back from a frog mission? Yeah, well, I think they might've gotten PTSD from it. They got eaten and I had to cut them out. They were drenched in rancid slime too; it was unpleasant for everyone involved."

Unsurprisingly, my description of the events flared up Darkness' masochism, and she went eye wide in excitement.

"Rancid slime!? I fail to see the problem here!"

"Why, because it would've turned you on?"

"N-no, you're wrong."

"Uh-huh, sure."

I let my eyes travel back to the board while the blonde crusader stammered in defiance. After scanning it over and over and over again, I growled and gave up looking.

"All that's left for us are quests meant for high-leveled experts! What gives!?"

My cries of indignation must've caught Luna's attention, as she cautiously approached us while audibly clearing her throat.

"I couldn't help overhear your displeasure with today's selection of quests. I regret to inform you that the reason for our lack of novice quests is because one of the Devil King's generals has moved into a nearby forest recently. As such, all low-leveled monsters have vacated the area. Until we receive assistance from the Belzerg Capital Knight Corps, there will only be expert quests available until further notice. Again, I'm deeply sorry for the inconvenience."

Luna meekly bowed as though we were supposed to accept her weak-sauce apology. The receptionist quietly shuffled away, leaving us to mull her words over.

"Just when it looked like my luck was getting better…"

* * *

With adventuring off the table, Jack Spicer's Evil Posse temporarily split apart to do their own things for a little while.

Darkness said she wanted to return home to keep up with her weight training exercises and bid us farewell.

Aqua hatched a creative idea for once inside that empty noodle she called her head: she opened up a stand to sell her lettuce and arts and crafts as an alternative for making money. Don't tell her I said this because she'll never let me hear the end of it, but I was secretly grateful for her providing for our source of income.

As for Megumin, it only made sense that she would hone her Explosion magic skill. But given that she needed someone to carry her back to town, the li'l munchkin dragged me along for the ride.

That's why on a "fine" sunny day when I could've been cooped up indoors perfecting my trusty JackBots, I was instead begrudgingly tagging alongside Megumin through the woods trying my hardest to stay in the shade. I didn't say a word since we began our trek, but I made damn sure to let her know that I was anything but happy to be here.

Although, an irrational part of me was anxious that the scowl I held on my face would freeze like that permanently.

Anywho, I guess Megumin had had enough of my constant pouting because she snapped at me from outta the blue.

"If I knew you were gonna act like a stubborn brat, I would've asked Yunyun to come along with me."

"I'm older than you by like three years."

"Yeah? Then you sure have a funny way of showing your age."

Told down by a thirteen-year-old. Not one of my better moments. But I have experienced worse.

I dropped the mean look and sighed tiredly. "I know, I know, I'm sorry. I just don't like going outside when I don't have to."

"I think getting some sunlight will do your body good. You could seriously go for a tan, dude."

"But that's the thing: sunlight will actually cause my body more harm than good."

Megumin shot me an inquisitive look. "What do you mean?"

"You can see that I'm an albino, right? Pale skin, red eyes, the works?"

She nodded.

"Right, well, that's not normal for the human body. There's a naturally occurring pigment in our bodies called melanin that's mainly responsible for producing skin, eye, and hair color. Not only that, but it's also responsible for blocking most forms of ultraviolet radiation from the sun as well as preventing light reflection in the eyes. We albinos have little to no melanin in our bodies. As a result, my eyes are highly photosensitive, and I'm prone to getting skin cancer at worst and a sunburn at best."

Despite my implementation of scientific jargon, the rural child wizard was surprisingly intelligent enough to process my explanation. Because she freaked out on me in less than a minute.

"Really!? Oh shit, _I_ should be the one apologizing, not you! I didn't know it was that serious, I- -"

"Relax, short stuff, I've figured out how to combat this for years now. Whenever I do have to go outside, like today, I make sure to put on contact lenses and wear dark clothes that cover most of my skin; hence why I'm wearing a stuffy trench coat in late August. And thankfully, a merchant in the market square sells this gunk that supposedly repels harmful sun rays. It seems to be working for me so far, I've had no ill side-effects since applying it on my face."

Megumin breathed a sigh of relief and resumed her walking. "Thank the gods. Sorry about your condition, by the way. It sounds like a real hassle. Had I known beforehand, I probably wouldn't have asked you to come with me."

"Eh, water off a duck's back. Besides, I'm mainly upset because I'd rather be working on something else right now, that's all."

"…That's all? Are you sure it has nothing to do with Darkness leaving town for a few days?"

I almost tripped on my own two feet.

I slowly turned my head to face Megumin, who was facing me too. We competed in a silent staring contest for a few seconds before I worked up the nerve to say something.

"What makes you say that?"

She shrugged. "I dunno. You seemed kinda depressed when she announced she was heading home for a while. Your mouth twitched a little and your eyes looked a little watery."

Shit, shit, SHIT! I thought I was getting better with my poker face, but it looks this kid is more observant than I gave her credit for! Granted, she did have a decently high intelligence stat on Adventurer Card. Not nearly as high as mine of course, but still enough to- -

FOCUS, MAN, FOCUS! Just casually make up an excuse for it, Jack, all evildoers are masters at lying. We basically invented the concept.

Summoning whatever meager scrap ounce of courage I had left, I looked Megumin square in the eyes and said to her with careful annunciation:

"It's still summertime. I occasionally break out with hay fever during this season."

I felt my heart pump like I had downed three cans of Monster energy drink, which I actually do sometimes when working on multiple late-night projects in the lab.

Just when I thought my mask was about to crack, Megumin shrugged and continued walking on ahead.

"That's understandable. Make sure you go visit the local alchemist for that, okay? I think he can brew some allergy inhibiting potions for you."

I hummed in response before crawling back into the recesses of my mind. I'm not exactly sure if she bought it or not, but I'm gonna make a mental note to be more careful about what I do around this girl next time.

"Aha, perfect!"

Megumin stuck her arm out in front of me like a railroad guard. If only I didn't run right into it and had the wind knocked outta me.

I used my Farsight skill to focus on what she was staring intently at off in the distance. I spied a rickety old castle perched atop a cliff overseeing the horizon line. Megumin pointed at the structure with her staff.

"That abandoned castle is what I shall use as a target for my Explosions. And it's far away from town, so I won't get a noise complaint from the guards again."

" 'Again'?"

"W-well I had to use my Explosion magic somewhere, so I fired upon the open plains. Don't judge me, I have to use my favorite spell once a day else I die!"

"Alright, alright, jeez, I get it. This is Burger King, have it your way. Just do what you gotta do and let's bail."

Planting her feet on the earth, Megumin aimed her staff at the castle, and the wind in the surrounding area began to swarm inside the young teenager's red Manatite crystal in the form of space. The infamous red cipher circle of unknown design and origin materialized underneath her feet as she started up another chant.

" _Crimson-black blaze, king of myriad worlds,_

_though I promulgate the laws of nature,_

_I am the alias of destruction incarnate!_

_In accordance with the principles of all creation,_

_let the hammer of eternity descend unto me..._

_Burn to ashes within the crimson._

_Explosion!_ "

With the otherworldly rings lining up in front of the staff's tip, a column of fire burst forth, whipping past the trees. When it touched the castle, it blew up in a fireball and sent shockwaves vibrating through the air. And I was once again left floored at the light show.

Speaking of floors, that's where the little Arch Wizard was on right now.

I took the hint to pick her up and carry her on my back.

And that was how my new daily morning routine began. Megumin and I would go into the forest once a day so she could cast Explosion on the old abandoned castle. With each passing day, I found myself getting more and more hyped to go. It even escalated to the point where I would wake up Meg in her little tent outside Axel at dick o'clock in the morning just to get an early head start.

But it didn't end there, oh no. I also learned to appreciate the fine art of explosions in general. I used to take them for granted whenever I employed missiles and bombs into my machines' arsenal, but now I see the light. I began to judge her explosions more objectively, like an art snob, and soon Megumin did everything in her power to really knock my socks off.

It didn't matter if it were sunny, rainy, or cloudy, we'd always make sure to take time out of our busy schedules to meet up at the castle.

Incredibly, the building still managed to stand after all the abuse taken out on it. That changed when Megumin managed to blast a large gaping hole in one of its walls, crumbling a turret down to the ground. I remember skipping for joy and congratulating the archaic pyromaniac.

I made a promise to her that day: if I ever decided to splurge some extra skill points into Explosion magic, I would come straight to her for it.

Not since letting her join my team had I ever seen Megumin beam with such happiness before.

Even I – with my greedy black heart – couldn't help but feel warm inside when she smiled like that.

* * *

I just finished my seventh JackBot and stored it away in a spare stable along with the others. Keeping them in the one Aqua and I slept in was crowding the already small space. Don't get me wrong, I love my babies, but getting sandwiched in between them all wasn't worth it. Fuck claustrophobia, man.

I was becoming more and more adept at using my cheating powers: it was becoming easier to use, it consumed slightly less mana, and materials were spawning at a considerably faster rate. It won't be long now before my first batch of robots is fully operational and ready to serve.

As I was connecting the motherboard inside of a loose JackBot head, Aqua was making more arts and crafts to sell tomorrow alongside her lettuce. She hummed a lullaby to herself while she worked. I heard her sing it before, and when I asked what it was, she explained that it was a popular children's song called "A Little Adventurer".

The weird thing about it was, when I actually bothered to listen to the lyrics of it, all I could hear was a strange, yet soothing dialect I had never heard before. The closest known language it sounded like was Japanese, but something tells me that wasn't exactly it. My reasoning is because I actually learned a little bit of Japanese online after the excursion to Tokyo. But then I lost interest and dropped out.

It's my theory that there might've been some kind of "glitch" during the language overload transition when I was reincarnated. Perhaps when I hear people of this world sing, I can only hear it in their own alien language.

Whatever the reason, it was pleasant on the ears. For someone with such a toxic personality, Aqua really did have a beautiful voice to compensate.

…

I wonder if my family got over my death already. I wouldn't be surprised; they barely check up on me to see if I'm alive. Is it weird that I don't really miss them all that much? I know the Monks don't miss me. If anything, they're probably partying over my grave even as I speak. I mean, I think at least.

Wuya and Chase _definitely_ are glad I'm out of the picture, they already couldn't stand my guts before I died. They were always talking down on me…saying I could never be evil…telling me I never could seize the world for myself…huh...

It took me a minute to realize I was just staring lazily inside the open latch in my robot's head. I looked over at Aqua, who was making a little house out of empty milk cartons.

I took a small breath and asked her a serious question.

"Hey, Aqua?"

"What's up, Jack?"

She didn't even look up from her work.

"Be honest: do you really think we have what it takes to kill the Devil King? I mean, I'm pretty sure he isn't called 'The Devil King' for nothing. How are four people gonna kill someone with a big name like that- -"

I didn't have time to dodge the crushed milk carton flying at my face. When I opened my eyes to see a royally pissed Aqua glaring daggers.

"Why would you ask a stupid question like that?! I thought you were the smart one in this group."

"Hold on, you actually believe we can do it?"

"Believe it? I know it! I'm getting back home if it's the last thing I do; no demonic tyrant is gonna stop me otherwise!"

"But we're a ragtag team of low-leveled weirdos against Satan himself. Face it Aqua, we're outgunned and outmatched in every way!"

Aqua turned herself fully around to face me. Unlike all the other previous fits she's had, it looked like she was actually restraining herself from going ballistic. I just had to express my confusion at her unprecedented actions.

Her face deflated to a neutral look and she let loose an exasperated sigh.

"You need to have more trust in us- -"

Aqua immediately cut me off when I tried to interrupt.

"Ah, bup-bup. I don't want to hear it. Look, I don't know if you have trust issues or whatever, but you need to learn to have faith in your party. It pains me to say this, and don't go telling off to anyone or I'll break all of your fingers, but you're our leader. Not only do you make the tough decisions when it matters most, but you also have to rely on the rest of us. Namely me, of course."

Her face softened and a ghost of a smile found its way onto her lips. "Now quit your whining, robo-nerd. I'm restocking my supply for tomorrow."

The goddess turned back around and resumed her work as nothing had happened.

For once in my talkative life, I was left speechless. Was that the same Aqua? The unhelpful, lazy, bitchy, stupid woman that unwillingly accompanied me on the start of my journey? Not only was she working hard at her part-time job, but she also unintentionally gave me some needed closure with a pep talk on team trust.

For a girl who was deemed unintelligent on her Adventurer Card, she surprisingly knows her way with words.

I mean, okay, sure, maybe I do have some trust issues. But in my defense, every other team I've ever had was quick to ditch me for one reason or another. After a while, I simply got used to the backstabbing. I know that way of thinking is unhealthy, but when you live with the ghost of a witch who semi-frequently tosses you out like a used napkin, you'd become skeptical of others too.

Then again, Aqua is technically a holy figure and not a restless spirit. Darkness is a chivalrous knight and Megumin strikes me as someone who knows what it's like to be abandoned. Maybe Aqua's on to something.

Who knows? Only time will tell if they're the ones for me.

"Oh, FYI Jack, I borrowed most of your nuts and bolts for my art project. Pretty resourceful of me, wouldn't ya say?"

All that pleasantness was quickly washed away and replaced with anger.

"So that's why they went missing this morning!? Don't do that again, you useless party trick goddess!"

Aqua gasped in shock and spoke with a quivering voice.

"B-but people l-love my p-party tricks aaaahhhh- _WWWWWWAAAAHHHH!_ "

She buried her head within her arms and cried her eyes out.

Well, that didn't last long. Oh well, she'll get over it in the morning.

* * *

She still wasn't over it.

She blubbered like a baby all the way to our table at the guild. Megumin, Darkness, and I stood over Aqua in silence while she mumbled insults at me in between hiccups.

"What did you say to her last night?"

"That she wastes her skill points on pointless party tricks she's crying because she knows it's the truth."

"Jack, I understand, everyone needs to vent sometimes. If ever you feel stressed again, feel free to tear into me – I WOULDN'T MIND!"

"But it's not you I'm angry at. It's this goddess has-been who cries more often…" I deliberately aimed the rest of my sentence at Aqua, "…THEN WHEN I STUB MY TOE!"

" _Sniff._ You're such a brute, you shut-in emo…"

I was about to unleash my wrath upon her when Luna spoke through the PA system about an emergency at the front gates. Like last time, everyone in the guild kicked it into high gear and rushed outside the gates in record time.

My party and I were still weaving through the crowd to get front-row seats to the action. Everyone around us was speaking in hushed whispers.

"Alright, is it Flying Cabbages again? 'Cuz Jack Spicer, Cabbage Ninja has got this in the bag, baby!"

My amazing self-confidence immediately fizzled out when I witnessed the lone figure stationed atop a small mound. Saddled on a decapitated horse blacker than the void, there was an ominous knight clad in dark gray bulky armor with a black cape tied around where its neck should be.

The actual _head_ , which was hidden under a helmet, was safely cradled in its left forearm. A singular, glowing maroon eye peeked out through the helmet's "T" visor carefully watching the crowd.

I was quaking in my combat boots at the mere sight of this abomination. Whatever it was, it reminded me of an awful lot of the armor Hannibal Roy Bean wears occasionally. He may be a freaky jellybean, but he's the evilest known creature on Earth.

In fact, from what I've researched, he was the one who tricked Chase Young into turning over to the Heylin side by having him drink the Lao Mang Lone Soup. That dish, brewed from Heylin magic, granted Chase immortality, but at the cost of turning him into the reptilian beast he is today.

After that, he trapped Bean in the Yang-Yang World, where I was duped into letting him out. Whenever he wore his big evil suit of armor to look bigger and even more evil, it looked kinda like the knight's armor, but with copious amounts of spikes protruding out of every square inch.

Even though this monster lacked the spikes of Hannibal's outfit, it more than made up for it in stoic creepiness.

"W-w-w-w-w-what is that thing?"

Darkness answered, "A Dullahan..."

"Personally, I would've gone with the Headless Horseman. But yours works too."

The undead knight, now established as a Dullahan, projected his voice loud and clear. It was the type of voice that boomed with respect and leadership.

"Citizens of Axel Town, I am one of the top generals in the Devil King's army. As you are no doubt aware, I have recently taken up residence in your nearby woodlands. I come forth to this insignificant land you call a kingdom with a notice of dissatisfaction."

He paused as his head growled in pent up fury. The Dullahan slowly continued, but steadily spoke faster with each word.

"Every day, every day, every bloody damn day I have reserved myself in the solitude of my home disturbing absolutely nobody when some nutjob decides to blow it all up like boom boom boom boom boom boom boom! That's what I have to wake up to every morning! So, let me ask…WHO IS THE SCREWBALL WHO KEEPS CASTING EXPLOSION MAGIC AT MY CASTLEEEEEEEEEEEE!?"

The horse stood on its hind legs and screeched an unholy animalistic sound while a strong dark aura blasted out of the rider and his steed.

The crowd cowered together and talked amongst themselves about who this anonymous spell caster could possibly be. When all eyes unsurprisingly locked on to Megumin, she took a page out of my improvisational skills and glared intently at some random mage girl to cast the blame off herself.

I never felt so proud of something that wasn't mechanical before in my life.

The crowd's stares went to the mage as she desperately pleaded for them to believe that it wasn't her who did it. After a moment of nonstop begging, the actual culprit lowered her hat over her eyes and sauntered to the enraged undead, despite my protest.

"What in the Heylin is that kid doing? She probably would've gotten away with pointing fingers…"

Megumin walked until she was halfway to the Dullahan where she stopped and remained perfectly composed.

"So you're the maniac who's responsible. Did you forget that I am one of the Devil King's top generals or do you just have a death wish? I may be undead, but I used to be a knight you know; it would be beneath me to attack a city of small fries. But I will do it if I have to! Do you know what it's like for me and my men to clean up the mess you make at my castle!? Well? What do you have to say for yourself!?"

The girl whipped her cape back and boldly proclaimed, "My name is Megumin! A proud Arch Wizard who commands Explosion magic!"

"…What is a 'Megumin'? Are you pulling my leg?"

"What – no! I am the most powerful wizard this city has to offer! And firing at your castle was all a trap to lure you right to us. We have the number advantage here, we can take you on!"

Megumin then pointed to me all the way behind her.

"Isn't that right, sensei?"

I froze, staring back at her like a deer caught in the headlights. Don't drag me down with you, girl!

After a brief moment of uncomfortable silence, Aqua suddenly charged ahead to Megumin's side while summoning her own staff as well.

"I don't care if you're in the Devil King's army or not, as an Archpriest, I cannot allow an undead like you to exist. Not only that, but you're the reason why I had to get a part-time job! Prepare yourself!"

The Dullahan lightly scoffed at the two competitors standing side by side. "A low-leveled Arch Wizard and Archpriest against my might? That's not brave, that's just foolish."

He raised his right hand, which began to glow a sickeningly dark aura and demanded.

"Crazy little girl, I order you to cease and desist your explosions on my castle. Do not make me ask twice."

She didn't hesitate nor stutter, "Impossible! We Crimson Demons need to unleash Explosion magic every day, otherwise, we'll die! I refuse to comply!"

"I have never heard of such a questionable claim. But since you refuse…"

He pointed his finger at her with his dark hand.

"I sentence thee to death. PREMONITION OF DEATH!"

Black magic lashed out from his hand like a striking viper and flew at the unprepared Megumin. But before it could touch her, Darkness slid in front of her from out of nowhere. The magic engulfed her entire body and as she screamed in pain, a horrible vision of a skull twitching sporadically appeared in front of her.

When the aura faded away, Darkness slumped to the ground.

That scene was burned into the back of mind from then on out. It wasn't like her usual fun-loving cry of discomfort, it sounded like actual hell for her.

I don't have any recollection of transitioning from the crowd to Darkness' side; I wanna say I flew over to her with my HeliBot, but I can't be sure. It didn't matter at the time as all I could do was shoot her question after question about the state of her well-being. Even though she was on her knees and convulsing like she had run a marathon, she still gave me a solid smile.

"It's alright, leader. I'm okay."

A tidal wave of relief washed over me. That was an incredibly close call, too close in fact.

The undead bastard hummed like he was thinking something over.

"Perhaps this could work to my advantage. Your crusader ally will die in a week's time. She will suffer for seven days as she trembles in fear of death, and it will be all your fault. If you truly care for your friend, come fight me at my castle like the 'proud Arch Wizard' you claim yourself to be. I shall await your arrival."

As he turned his horse around to leave, Darkness stabbed her sword into the ground to prop herself. However, she refused to look directly at the unholy commander.

"Disgraceful. To think you were once a knight makes me sick to the core. So, you're saying you won't lift this curse off of me unless I submit to your whims, is that it?"

He said, "What?"

"I will not allow a mere curse to break my spirit. I cannot give in, but…but…"

Darkness snapped her head in my direction. Her face looked just like mine whenever I was on the brink of world domination, except it was accompanied by the meanest blush that ever blushed. I nearly wet myself, I was that spooked.

"What shall I do Jack!? I can feel his filthy eyes on me, hungry, WANTING! Just look at his eyes, those are the eyes of a closet pervert – one who would make a sex slave of me! And to break the curse, I shall have to submit my body to all manner of pornographic acts over and over again!"

Darkness was standing on her own now and hyperventilating. The Dullahan was backing away slowly as she continued doing…whatever it was she was doing.

"You might dominate my body if you wish, but you will never dominate my heart...hah...Just the mere prospect of being chained up to a cold stone wall and being forced to submit to this beast fills me with adrenaline..."

If there was one thing on Earth I never thought to imagine hearing, it's a lady knight _squeeing_ (y'know, like that thing girls do in chick flicks?) over the idea of willingly becoming a victim to human trafficking.

"OH THE HORROR~! What should I do, Jack!? I didn't expect things to become this risqué- -"

"But, but, but they never were until you started putting words in his mouth…"

"…I don't want to go, but I have no choice! I shall resist as long as I can; do not try to save me!"

Darkness made a mad dash to the twitching undead general. I ran up and grabbed her by her underarms to drag her back.

"Darkness cut it out! You're making the Headless Horseman of all people uncomfortable; how do you even do that?"

With almost no reaction time, the Dullahan got all uppity with me.

"What the -!? How dare you compare me to my stepfather! All that freeloader ever does is roam the woods at night spooking lost travelers! But do you ever see that piece of trash pay his taxes? NoooOOOooo! I am _nothing_ like that alcoholic deadbeat, DO YOU HEAR ME!"

…

Wow. Daddy issues much? I mean, I've got beef with my old man, but you don't hear me getting emotional over him. That's with my mom.

Eventually, the general got his act together and cleared his nonexistent throat.

"Well, err, my challenge still stands. Come to my castle, Crimson Demon, if you value your friend's life."

As he turned his horse back around, a distorted portal opened in front of him.

"I'll be waiting."

The Dullahan and his ride entered the portal just as it collapsed. There was a terrible silence among our group.

Finally, the Megumin walked in the direction of the forest without saying anything.

"Where are you going?"

"If that bastard wants a fight, he's got one. It's the only way to save our friend."

I tried to argue against her, but the words got caught up in my throat and died there. Megumin was going on a suicide mission, that much was obvious. I didn't want her to die, but for the life of me, I couldn't speak against it. If I stopped her, then I would be indirectly responsible for Darkness' death.

I didn't want any one of my teammates to die (I'm still on the fence with Aqua), but something about Darkness dying in particular was a thought I didn't know if I could stomach.

I know I'm probably going to regret this, and my brain is screaming at me to reconsider, but I think I've made my decision.

Quickly breathing in and out, I jogged over to Megumin.

"If you're going, then I'm going too."

"But Jack, this is my fight, not yours. You had nothing to do with this."

" _Heh_ , yeah, well, I'm technically an accomplice to your mess-up. So I'm tagging along – and believe me, okay, believe me, I'd much rather go hide under my haystack, alright!?"

Get a hold of yourself, Spicer. Puff out that chest and at least look brave, dammit!

"But…I've been told I need to trust my gang more. Even if I am skeptical about your decision, I'm putting my faith in you that you know what you're doing. Plus, I wanna show that bad guy what real evil tastes like!"

I felt arms snake their way around me and before I knew it, I was pulled into a hug. Honestly, I wasn't expecting that. I didn't know what to expect, but still. I'm not even sure if I should hug back or not. Am I denying her comfort if I don't or will come off as awkward if I do?

Do you see now why I don't do hugs? They make me all frazzled!

At least Megumin obeyed the 3-second rule on hugging before things could escalate any further. I thought I was about to bug out if she held on for any longer. Oh well, at least she seems pumped about my offer to go with her.

"Alright, partner, let's show this bad guy that we're worse than any demon he commands!"

Darkness interrupted, "Friends, please, don't try to fight him; physical attacks are ineffective against the undead. If sacrificing my own life is what it takes to protect all of you, then- -"

"Sacred Break Spell!"

Out of the blue, our blue party member aimed her staff at Darkness and the flower bud on top opened up to shoot out a magical energy beam. It engulfed the crusader in a flashing light show and she squeaked in surprise. Two Cupid-like angels hovered over Darkness to literally lift the curse off of her like a bedsheet and floated away into the clouds.

After that was over, Darkness stood in place blinking. We turned to Aqua with dumbstruck expressions. All she did was put her hands behind her back and smile innocently at us followed by a head tilt. She really is like Cousin Megan.

"What? Archpriests are known for their supportive roles."

Soon the entire crowd of adventurers surrounded Aqua and praised her for lifting the curse. She happily paid them back by performing Nature's Beauty for all the males.

Meanwhile, we were left wondering what the hell had happened back there.


	6. Beast Wars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Despite Beldia's presence disrupting the flow of easy rank quests, Aqua decides to take matters into her own hands. I mean, how hard can "expert" quests designed for noobs really be anyway?

My party and I were peacefully eating breakfast at the Adventurer's Guild. That's it, nothing special or wacky about it. Just the four of us silently eating eggs and bacon at our usual table situated in the far back corner away from everyone else.

If you took out the girls and replaced my breakfast with a square slice of undercooked pizza, this whole setup wouldn't be that far off from my experience eating at every school cafeteria ever. And I am not okay with that.

I had to discreetly pinch myself just to be sure everything was real. Funnily enough, I could easily accept the fact that I died and was reincarnated into a fantasy JRPG world instead of living out a feverish coma dream in the hospital.

It's having an evil team comprised entirely of the opposite sex that I had a hard time accepting.

Speaking of which, one of the more unbearable girls in my party just slammed her empty plate onto the table like a judge using her gavel at the courtroom.

"Guys, listen up! I am sick and tired of constantly living in debt. I don't care if that Dullahan only left us with expert-level quests, we need to take one! Even if it's completely unreasonable!"

"I-I don't mind if it's unreasonable."

We know, Darkness. We know.

I think now's about time to offer my rebuttal before that idiot can have a chance to put us in mortal danger.

"Aqua, you wouldn't even have your stupid debt problems if you didn't spend more than you earn at work. I already have to pay for our meals on top of my own personal shiz, so there's no way I'm covering for your broke ass anymore. You are not going to drag all of us through the mud because of your little money crisis. Now, if you all will excuse me, I gotta take a leak."

Before I could make it four feet away from the table, Aqua locked my legs in a death grip while sobbing hysterically again.

"JACK, PLEASE! Please let me pick out a quest! I don't wanna work part-time no more; the manager always yells at me whenever I can't make enough products! It's hard being an artist! I promise it'll only be a one-time thing – just let me pick a quest! I promise I'll be a good party memberrrrrr!"

"FINE! I'm giving you permission, _just this once_ , to pick out a quest for us to go on. But for the love of Heylin, shut your trap! It's still way too early in the morning for a migraine."

My exasperated approval was enough to cheer up Aqua, who immediately stood upright and gave me a mock salute before galloping gleefully over to the quest board. I groaned and slumped back down in my seat, resting my elbows on the table.

"Hey, aren't you worried she'll come back with a completely insane quest?"

"Yeah, even though I'm fine with it being completely insane, are you really okay with this?"

Sheesh, c'mon guys, take a chill pill. It's Aqua we're talking about. There's no way she could be that stupid- -

"SOMEONE STOP THAT BLUE THING!"

I wasted no time sprinting over to where my ditzy partner had gone. I was not about to put my second life in her hands!

Aqua was already in the process of reading over a flyer she had taken off the board. I snatched it away from her and placed my hand over her face to keep her at bay while she attempted to swipe at me.

"Hold the phone! What kind of death sentence were you ready to choose for us?"

I didn't let her answer, partially due to the fact that my hand was covering her mouth, and simply mumbled it for myself.

" 'Griffin and Manticore…territory dispute…disturbing the peace…dispatch both…500,000 eris'."

I slowly lowered the sheet of paper in order to stare at Aqua with the most incredulous look the human face could physically contort.

"…Are you actively trying to get us killed!? Do you honestly think any one of us is experienced enough to kill both a Griffin and a Manticore? I don't even know what that last one is!"

Aqua finally had the decency to remove my hand from her face (although I thought she would've been disgusted enough to do that from the start). She then tried to "rationalize" her decision.

"But that's the quest with the highest bounty! And with that much eris, my debt shackles will break, and then I shall be a free butterfly~"

"Bad grief, you are mentally handicapped. Either that or you biologically have the brain of a stunted toddler."

"Watch it, _hikikomori._ I'll have you know I'm at least a year older than you, technically making me your superior by default. That means I win, so there!"

"You? Seventeen? I thought cosmic beings were supposed to be ageless."

"That's seventeen in _Heaven_ years. The time flow on Earth is different from the time flow in Heaven and this world. For instance, one month on Earth is just an hour in Heaven but several months in this world. Some evil genius you are, can't even tell the time. _Kukuku…_ "

Differing dimensional time flows, huh? So if 1 Earth month is 1 Heaven hour and we multiply by 12, that's 12 hours for every 1 year on Earth. Which means 2 Earth years is equal to a full 24-hour day up in Heaven. 365 days in a year, multiply by 2, and the year ratio between these two planes of existence is 730:1…That means - !

"YOU'RE 12,410 YEARS OLD - !?"

Irony slapped it's feminine hand over my face as Aqua covered my mouth in a manner identical to what I did to her mere moments ago.

"Good Me, you are LOUD! And where did you come up with such a random number? I already told you I was seventeen, and here you are pulling big numbers out of your ass to make my head hurt!"

My lips found an opening between the cracks of her fingers as I genius-splained Aqua.

"For your information, all I did was basic math inside my head. I know that may be too much for your literal lamebrain to handle, but it's the truth. And _furthermore,_ if this world is three times slower than Earth, then that actually means you're 37,230 years old by this universe's standards. No matter how you slice it, you're an old hag like Wuya!"

The granny goddess pinched my mouth between her fingers and shoved my face away in seething annoyance.

" _GAh_! You talk too much! And who's this 'Wuya' bitch, huh? Y'know what – it doesn't matter. Ever since my flat-chested junior exiled me down here with you, I'm now at the mercy of this world's time flow. At some point, I'm gonna end up decrepit and ugly way sooner than all the other goddesses! Hurry up and slay the Devil King already before I turn into a wrinkly old fart!"

"Baby steps, Aqua, baby steps. First, we need to level up by gaining experience points. And to do that, we need to complete quests. So by that logic, if you really wanna whup Satan's ass and go back home early, you should pick quests you know you can handle to get the most bang for your buck. I'll even sweeten the deal by letting you keep whatever prize money we make just this once. Deal?"

Aqua's eyes lit up at the prospect of money and she nodded ecstatically. She proceeded to glance at the quest board again before her wandering eyes trailed back to the piece of paper still in my hand.

You gotta be fucking kidding me.

"Y'know, it _was_ the first quest that I chose. And they say you should go with your gut instinct, sooo…"

"Sooo not happening. Pick anything else but this."

Unfortunately, I made the egregious error of holding up the flyer when I said that, because the next thing I knew, we were both locked in a tug of war.

As we engaged in this Tug of the Fates, I tried to persuade the cretin into seeing things my way as she did the same (and with substantial grunting on both sides).

"C'mon…! Think of all the money…!"

"Oh! You mean the money…you're gonna hoard…all to yourself!?"

"We had a deal…you butt munch!"

"That was before…you picked the same damn quest…I TOLD YOU NOT TO PICK!"

After an intense, operatic struggle for dominance over the paper, the battle concluded with a deafening rip.

I looked down to find that I now had half of the quest flyer. And wouldn't you know it, Aqua too had half of the quest flyer.

My attention then shifted to an approaching Luna who, despite the closed eyes and pleasant smile, carried a threatening aura with her.

"Oh, Lady Aqua and Mr. Spicer, I see the two of you have agreed to accept the Manticore-Griffin kill quest. Splendid! They really have been disturbing Mirfield Village for quite some time now. It seems the beasts have been using the community's carrot fields as a battleground for their territory dispute. Thank you so much for taking on the mantle of responsibility; this is one of the most dangerous quests we've received in quite a while."

Oh no. Luna, doll, y-you can't be serious.

"W-w-wait, we never agreed to go on this quest."

The receptionist's disingenuous smile never faltered as she dropped the proverbial bomb on us.

"Be that as it may, you two did rip the flyer, and guild policy dictates that individuals who tear and/or damage quest flyers are henceforth held accountable for taking on the assigned missions. We've had far too many hooligans rip up flyers in the past, so the National Guild Committee had to mandate a zero-tolerance policy."

I turned to my scapegoat, "Well, you heard the fine lady, Aqua. You rip it, you take it."

"Hey!"

It was then that Luna finally opened her eyes. While not outwardly imposing, those yellow orbs still radiated with this "don't fuck with me" energy. Collaborating with Wuya and Chase Young has made me very keen on detecting that particular kind of vibe.

"Actually, Subsection 8 of the Zero-Tolerance policy clearly states that any affiliates of the perpetrator are also responsible for seeing the quest completed. So, it really doesn't matter which one of you ripped it. In the eyes of the NGC, your entire party is accountable. The Axel Town Adventurer's Guild deeply apologizes for having to do this, it's simply a matter of following the rules. I'm sure you understand."

Aqua and I were too frightened by Luna's scarily calm demeanor to ask what would happen if we refused. Besides, I already had a pretty solid idea on what, and I don't want to experience firsthand what they do to maniacal evildoers in prison.

"Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to make arrangements for the temporary relocation and safeguarding of Mirfield's people. After all, four brave adventurers are on their way to rid their village of those foul beasts for good!"

S-she didn't have to phrase it in a way that made us sound heroic. T-that's just adding insult to injury...

As the blonde receptionist walked away to speak with some priest who just came in, I found myself sitting on the floor. In the fetal position. Shaking uncontrollably. Scared out of my wits.

Aqua was quicker to come out of her stupor, and she said to me, "Well, forget about that hussy! We were gonna pick that quest no matter what! It's only two mismatched animals, and you have a goddess to carry you all to victory. You and the others don't have to worry about a thing; I got this!"

Out of all the things to take from this disaster, that was what left me the most petrified. Let's hope I can fashion a will on the way to our doom; someone's gotta finish those JackBots of mine.

* * *

Mirfield Village was due west of Axel. It wasn't far enough away to require a carriage ride over, but it was still too damn far. The sun was glaring down on me, my feet were sore because the girls wouldn't let me fly while they walked, and I couldn't stop replaying the worst possible scenario in my mind.

As you can infer, I was doing everything in my power not to have a meltdown.

Meanwhile, the gang was taking it maybe just a little too easy in my professional opinion. Megumin blathered on about how she was aiming to get two kills for the price of one Explosion.

Darkness, even though she didn't say much of anything during the trip, was likely dreaming of all the different ways she'll get hurt. At least she was ready to go out in stride.

And at the pinnacle of carefree living was Aqua, who pranced around singing about the small fortune she'll make come the end of day. I wonder if gods go to Super Hell when they die.

Paradoxical musings aside, we eventually made it to Mirfield Village. Good, might as well rip off the Band-Aid now and get our gruesome deaths over with. Who knows, the faster we do this, the more likely it'll be painless.

The village itself was…really undeserving to be called a village. That crappy town of fake Omi relatives I made in Season 3 outshines this dump, and I was forced to build that cesspool in under a day!

All the "village" consisted of was twelve, crummy shack houses scattered around in no discernible pattern. They didn't even bother to line up the houses in 6x6 rows just to make it look _a little_ like a suburban neighborhood? See, this is why there needs to be an evil ruler who can bring order to a lawless world (that evil ruler being me of course).

What the village lacked in architectural planning, it overcompensated in the carrot patch adjacent to it. The field spanned for acres, and it appeared as though the farmers had given up on trying to enclose it since the fence was less than halfway around the whole thing. I can only begin to guess as to why such a tiny community would need such a large supply of carrots.

Honestly, it wouldn't faze me anymore if it were revealed that the villagers were rabbit people or something. Actually, wasn't there an adventurer at the guild who had rabbit-like ears on their head?

Suddenly, the bold cry of an eagle and the domineering growl of a lion pierced my eardrums. Unlike the calls of their normal Earth counterparts, these were amplified and heavily distorted to a monstrous degree. Probably because they were the very monsters we were drafted to kill.

I dove into the nearest bush, and thankfully the girls were smart enough to follow suit. Though Aqua got deducted a few points for face-planting into a different bush ten feet away. At least she was hidden, I guess.

A powerful gust surged within the carrot patch accompanied by the sound of beating wings. Screeches and roars bellowed as the two previously mythological creatures came crashing down into the fertilized, malleable soil below. They were both just as feral (and equally just as hideous) as Chase in his lizard form.

I could instantly recognize one of the combatants as it's a fairly popular folk monster. The Griffin was a horrendous hybrid of a lion and eagle. The body, tail, and back legs are all lion while the head, front talons, and wings are all eagle. Two halves that made up one messed up whole.

I wasn't as familiar with the Manticore, but I can definitely see why it would be the perfect rival for a Griffin. It too was a living jigsaw puzzle of unrelated animals mashed together into one. The only thing it had in common with the Griffin was a lion for the base body part. However, it possessed bat wings and a motherfucking scorpion tail!

As if that weren't already disturbing enough, the face centered in its mane was _human._ Or humanoid I should say. It was creeping its way into the uncanny valley, let's just leave it at that.

Y'know, there was once a time where I considered dipping my toes into the field of gene-splicing, like a classic mad scientist. Well, I'm here to report now that I am so glad I chose robotics because, holy shit, these freaks of nature make me question God even further…and gods in general for that matter.

Anyway, it looks like the two monsters were duking it out way before we got here. Both had various injuries dotting their mismatched bodies, with the Griffin having lost one of its eyes and the Manticore's scorpion tail dangling uselessly from a cracked base. Hmmm…

Oop! The evil genius lightbulb just went off! There's still a chance we can complete the quest and make it out alive to tell the tale. I motioned for my posse to listen carefully, barely speaking above a whisper.

"Okay, it's obvious those two monsters want to murderlize each other, so here's what I'm thinking: we let natural selection decide who dies first and while the survivor is still recovering from the fight, we get the drop on it with a surprise sneak attack. That way, it'll be too tired and injured to react in time."

"I OBJECT!"

I shushed Megumin like how Mrs. Cornhaven would shush me for being disruptive. Soon after, I peered over the shrub to see if the Griffin and Manticore heard my partner's big fat mouth. Thankfully, they were still going at each other's throats.

I turned back to Megumin and whisper-yelled at her. "The hell is your problem!? What is there to object to? My plan is foolproof!"

She whisper-yelled back, "It would not only be a dishonor to me, but a dishonor to my clan if I didn't obliterate two legendary beasts in one glorious Explosion attack! That is why I object to your plan."

"Meg, listen to me. Under normal circumstances, I would be totally down with unleashing a rad Explosion on our enemies while we laugh maniacally as master and apprentice."

"And just _who_ would be _who_ in that relationship, exactly?"

"Irrelevant. The point is, I'm trying to propose an efficient strategy that won't end with us on the dinner plate. Your spell takes too long to conjure, and you have to bellow out a chant to make it work."

"Oh, I don't need to chant to cast Explosion magic."

Even Aqua and Darkness seemed to be just as shocked as I was at the kiddie mage and her nonchalant confession.

"You…you don't?"

"Nope. I could cast it without uttering a peep if I wanted to. But I don't want to, because then I wouldn't be a full-crimson-blooded Crimson Demon if I didn't!"

Part of me wanted to applaud her for her dedication to monologuing. However, the other part also wanted to snap her dumb wooden staff right in front of her for not telling me this sooner! Also, what's wrong with this stubborn brat!?

"Actually, Jack, while we're taking this moment to strategize, I too must object to your proposal."

Aaawww! Darkness! Not you too!

"I implore that you let me use my Decoy skill to attract the repulsive creatures to me, and while they are busy ravaging my pure body, you can strike after they have tired themselves out. No matter how long it takes, you must be patient and wait. In fact, you can forget all about me being mauled if it helps make the time go by!"

Who says stuff like that so determinedly!?

"Do any of you guys have any sense of self-preservation or am I the only one!?"

As the three of us whisper-yelled at one another, Aqua leaned out of the bush ten feet away and spoke up, making sure to raise her voice just enough so that we could still hear her.

"Guys, you're overthinking this. I'm powerful enough to take on those freaky animals myself. I mean, have you seen my stats? They are incredibly amazing, like yours truly~"

"Need I remind you of the time you failed to kill a Giant Frog? Twice?"

Aqua got on the defensive. "That was before I knew frogs were immune to water-based attacks and blunt force trauma, shut-in NEET! But since these aren't big froggies we're dealing with here, this should be a piece of cake. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if there was nothing left to surprise me- -"

" **SALVATION!**!"

From out of the thicket behind Aqua, an undead skeleton came barreling toward her, and in broad stinking daylight. Not only that, but he also sounded just like Skeletor! I shit you not!

We all gasped at the startling intrusion, but, in a turn of events even more shocking than the wandering skeleton, Aqua was the first to take initiative. She did so by doing a backwards somersault out of her hiding bush and landing with the precision of a Xiaolin Monk.

After getting some distance between her and the skeleton, the water goddess summoned her flower bud staff, pointed it at him, and shouted, "Turn Undead!"

A spectacular column of what I could only assume was light from Heaven itself shot down from the sky onto the undead. Its bones were vaporized instantaneously along with its restless soul.

This last part may have just been my imagination, but I thought the skeleton's soul actually said something along the lines of, "sweet release" upon disintegration. However, it was hard to hear much of anything with the overdramatic _Hallelujah_ chorus blaring in my ears.

When the light faded and the choral music died out, I couldn't help but say aloud, "WWWWHAT! …Was THAT!?"

"That was my Turn undead skill. It's a spell that can purify the undead, much like that skeleton who was probably drawn to my divine aura."

Before I had a chance to interrogate her further on that, the sound of beating wings followed by demonic eagle screeching rattled my brain.

"Wha – _AhAhAhAhAhAh!_ It's got my hair! HAAALP!"

Shit – that Skeletor impersonator must've given away our position!

The Griffin swooped in and plucked Aqua away with its heavily scarred beak. Before it could make off with its flailing luggage, however, the Manticore went airborne and bum-rushed its opponent.

As the two monsters wrestled in midair for a bit, fumbling over each other and trying not to lose altitude, the Manticore bit into Aqua's legs.

"AQUA!"

"OH GODS!"

I inhaled through my teeth. That was definitely going to leave a mark.

The flying, amalgamated animals tried to yank the Archpriest to their side in the most brutal game of tug of war I've ever witnessed. Meanwhile, Aqua screamed and yelled so many things in both Japanese and Chinese (most of which were probably swears).

"They're gonna tear her apart!" Megumin cried in fear. "We have to do something!"

Okay, okay, calm down Jack, don't panic, don't panic. You can think of something if you rack your brain hard enough. Uh, let's see, maybe I can whip up a makeshift blaster? Nononono – that'll take too long, idiot! Uhm, fly up there to them with my HeliBot? Okay, but then what? I'm not powerful enough to kill those things on my own! Fuck, alright, well what if- -

"Hang on, comrade! I'm coming!"

Darkness' exclamation snapped me back into reality long enough to see her hopping over the fence into the carrot patch. Confused and scared to be left alone, Megumin and I followed into the field to see what she was planning on doing.

Before we hopped over the fence ourselves, we saw Darkness stop directly underneath the monsters pulling at Aqua like she was a dog's chewing rope. From where she stood, the sun glistened off her polished white armor, illuminating her in an almost ethereal glow. It may have been hard on my albino eyes, but it was honestly kind of breath-taking to look at.

In that very moment, she looked…even cooler and more ravishing than Chase Young…

"Decoy!"

And that's when the moment had to come crashing down.

As soon as that one word left her mouth, the Griffin and Manticore abruptly ceased tugging on Aqua's hair and feet. In an almost hypnotic-like trance, they dropped the girl and dive bombed straight into the now giggling Crusader. They soon pounced on her, resuming their aggressive instincts.

Megumin and I had no time to check up on Darkness as we now had to worry about a falling Aqua. We frantically tried to position ourselves to catch her.

"I got it, I got it!"

There was a hard thud over to my left.

"I don't got it."

Megumin was already kneeling beside Aqua to check for a pulse. She gave a great big sigh of relief.

"She's alright. She still has a pulse and she's still breathing. There also doesn't seem to be any bleeding on her legs. I think her boots protected her from the bite."

Strangely enough, the kid spoke the truth. Other than some teeth marks on her ankles, her sturdy footwear managed to protect her legs from that Manticore bite.

Although, I don't think her surprisingly rugged high heel boots were enough to protect her psyche. Aqua had yet to say anything to us after she landed. She simply stared up at the clouds with glassy eyes and lips parted.

A cry of pain(?) tore me away from the girl lying in the dirt back to the girl getting mauled by wild animals. I could hardly see Darkness behind all that fur and mismatched body parts. But I knew she was still getting pummeled as evident by her…well, they're not exactly screams per say.

"Jack, we have to save Darkness before she gets killed!"

I mean, that's technically not what's happening over there but- -

"Y-yeah, uh, right! We gotta help her! Errrrrrr…OH! I know! Megumin, cast Explosion on them!"

"Are you insane!? Our friend is still in there! She'll get caught up in my blast!"

"You did it to her before!"

" _On accident! In an open field!_ This is different, those monsters are right on top of her! I can't bring myself to do it!"

"Megumin, listen to me! If she's strong enough to survive the first time, I have faith she can survive a second time! But not doing anything is going to get her ripped to shreds!"

Amidst the furious growls and caws from the Manticore and Griffin respectively, I distinctly heard Darkness shout, "I'm fine – _HAH~!_ Don't worry about – _MMM~!_ Little old me!"

…I promptly ignored it.

Megumin shifted nervously on her feet. She still seemed apprehensive. But we don't have time for cold feet, let alone shifting feet!

"Do it! Just trust me!"

She quickly glanced up into my eyes before looking back down at her shoes. Then she started mumbling something to herself while shaking ever so slightly. Great, just great: she's freaking out on me like how I freak out on Wuya! My anxiety must be rubbing off on others!

I was about ready to give up on Megumin and come up with something myself when I noticed the wind began increasing in speed. This would normally be nothing worth acknowledging if it weren't for the colorful twinkly bits gliding along with the breeze. Inferno-red cipher circles then materialized in the sky above Darkness and the legendary beasts beating her.

" _Explosion!_ "

HIT THE DECK!

The blast wave knocked me off my feet, and I, for a brief period, became a human torpedo. Soon gravity regained control as my face plowed into the dirt, stopping just shy of a wild hare that also happened to be in the carrot field as well. I felt it hop on top of my head, mocking me.

It scurried away after I pulled myself up and coughed out all the dirt and carrot chunks that got shoveled into my mouth during the crash. I spent quite some time spitting and scraping my tongue in a desperate attempt to get the taste of unripe carrots out of my mouth. Eventually, I went back to survey the damage.

Sure enough, a large smoldering crater was all that was left of the monster. Only thing that occupied the hole was, of course, Darkness. She was unconscious but smiling, like she was having a wet dream. Her entire body was covered head to toe in ash, and her armor plating chipped to reveal- -

WOAH-ho-ho! Okay, that's a nip slip! Better look away before a certain "lab assistant" wakes up; now was not the time for accidental horniness.

" _Ugh_ …Jack…?"

Megumin's muffled call for help thankfully gave me something to do to dissuade my hormones from firing off like crazy. I jogged to the spot where she had fallen down and knelt beside her face.

She lifted her head barely to ask, "Is Darkness okay? She's okay, right?"

I smiled gently. "Yeah, kid. She's peachy."

The little wizard let out a great big sigh, "Thank the gods. Last time that happened, during the cabbage harvest, she wasn't at ground zero. She only got sucked in from the edge of the blast. I wasn't sure if she could survive a direct attack. I'm not gonna lie, Jack, I was…I was…"

She choked back her tears before going on with a shakier voice.

"I-I was scared that I might kill her, and that her blood would be on my hands. I really didn't want to have to live with that."

Ah crap, I suck at this emotional support thing. Lemme try to make her laugh it off.

"Hey, I think you and I both know you were intelligent enough to know that wouldn't happen. I mean, have you seen her in action yet? That woman's so strong, she could give diamonds a run for their money. And they're already worth a lotta money!"

To my surprise, she actually chuckled at my joke. Back home, people would've either groaned or beat me up for saying that. I'm starting to like this kid more and more.

" _Hehe,_ yeah, you're right. The Crimson Demon's #1 genius shouldn't have been worried to begin with. It's rather unbecoming of her, wouldn't you agree?"

"Sure. But like I said, you had nothing to worry about with Darkness. Aqua on the other hand…"

Standing up, I stepped around Megumin to look down at the catatonic Aqua. She had yet to say anything after she fell from the air. I tried snapping my fingers in front of her face, but she didn't even so much as blink. The same thousand-mile stare was the only facial expression present.

I sighed wearily. Being evil doesn't get any easier growing up, does it?

* * *

Well, we got Aqua to move and speak on her own by the time we arrived back in Axel, so there was some progress being made. But then again, her body was on autopilot and she quietly sang a solemn song to herself, so there was still room for improvement.

At least Megumin had recovered enough strength to walk on her own without hitching a ride on my back. As for Darkness, well…she was still mostly covered in ash. And her armor/bodysuit was in serious need of repair.

Not to mention her damn nipple was still exposed for all to see, and, trust me, all saw alright. I guarantee you she made no effort to hide it either. I suppose masochists and exhibitionists go hand in hand.

…

Don't look to see if it's hard. Don't look to see if it's hard. Do not, under any circumstances, look to see if it is hard, otherwise something else will get hard!

…

I'm weak-willed.

A-anyway, Aqua's song was gradually becoming more and more depressing with each verse. Seriously, she was singing about the futility of her situation and wondering if she could find a purpose in life by being sold as a slave. It was that bad, people.

The townsfolk were also giving us strange looks, but frankly, I don't give a flying french fry about what they think of us. Our Archpriest's mental stability was in jeopardy.

I know as an evil genius I shouldn't be empathizing with Aqua of all people, but dang it – she looked about as defeated and traumatized as me! Every time I got my ass handed to me by those annoying monks, this was the aftermath, this is what those dweebs never looked back on after they take the Wu and scram: a wayward soul shuffling around, looking for a purpose.

That's why whenever I glance at Aqua, I don't see a fair-skinned, blue-haired beauty. All I see is a pale, red-haired chump trying to get by.

"Jeez, might as well be _me_ in her shoes…"

Wait, why are Darkness and Megumin looking at me? I didn't say anything. Unless I was thinking out loud…Uh-oh.

"Ah! Uhm, nothing, never mind, just a Freudian slip. Nothing's on my mind, fuhgeddaboudit, eh!"

Saved it.

Thankfully, none of them had any time to respond as someone nearby was screaming bloody murder.

"My Goddess! MY GODDESS!"

Out of an alleyway, some random-ass dude just showed up making a beeline for Aqua. He had on a suit of blue armor boarded in gold, a dark blue cape attached to his shoulder guards, a jeweled circlet, and a fancy gold sword strapped to his waist. His eyes were blue, his hair was dirty blonde, and he looked distinctly Asian.

Judging from the way he looks and sounds alone (and from past experience), I'd say he's one of those smooth, athletic guys in the same vein as Raimundo who have everything going on for them.

I haven't even confronted the guy yet and already I despise him.

"Aqua, my Goddess, my dear beloved Goddess! What are you doing here? Did these heathens drag you down here!?"

He looked over to me and, with blatant disregard for my personal boundaries, forcefully gripped my shoulders while shaking me all about like it's the damn hokey pokey!

"What did you do to her, you freak!?"

Darkness came to the rescue as she grabbed him behind his neck and yanked him off of me. She glared him down and practically hissed at her, warning him.

"Hands off our leader, creep. You have no right to touch or insult him. Now, who are you and what business do you have with us?"

I don't recall anybody in recent memory that went out of their way to stand up for me like that, YesBot not included. I actually found my companion kinda sorta cute when she's mad…in a frightening sort of way.

While that exchange was happening, I whispered to the catatonic Aqua, "Yo, I don't know this guy, but he knows you're a goddess. Do you two have some sort of unspoken history together? Try talking to him."

Silence. And that same lifeless expression since we left the village.

But just when it seemed all hope was lost, Aqua miraculously bounced back.

"Oh yeah, that's right: I am a goddess!"

Well, at least she's back to her normal self. But was that really any better?

It doesn't matter. Once Aqua managed to snap out of her funk, she proudly announced herself to the blonde stranger harassing us.

"Yes, how can this goddess be of service to you, good sir?"

…

"Who even are you?"

Ha! Watching that guy sputter like a dying car after that low blow was such a day brightener.

"What!? But-but-but it's me, Mitsurugi Kyouya! Remember?"

He presented his gold and silver blade to her. "I died and you blessed me with the Sacred Sword Gram? To vanquish the Devil King?"

Aqua lightly tapped her chin with her finger as she theoretically racked her brain to remember.

"Ooooh. I remember you now. Shoot, I'm sorry! I've reincarnated so many people like you, I was bound to forget a few here and there."

Careful, my goddess, if you roast him anymore he might get overcooked.

"R-right…Well, it has been a while, milady. Just know that I am still fighting hard to save this world; to be its hero."

Oh, barf me a river. I had to butt in on the conversation to confirm something. If nothing else, I just wanted to get the dude to stop with the good guy talk. My stomach can only take so much heroism spiel.

"Hang on, you were reincarnated by Aqua, right? Does that mean you're from Earth as well?"

"That is correct. I used to live in Japan with my mother and father before I died. Let's just say there was a workplace accident when my father introduced me to his employer."

"Who'd your old man work for?"

"Tohomiko Electronics."

"No way, get outta here! Y'know, I've actually met Toshiro Tohomiko and his daughter in person- -"

Suddenly, M-Something cut me off before I could finish my sentence. Oddly rude coming from a supposed "hero".

"No you haven't, you liar. Tohomiko-sama is a critical distributor in the video gaming market who's always busy. Besides, everyone knows his daughter traveled to China to attend monk school."

"But I live in China."

"You don't look Chinese!"

"I moved from America when I was thirteen, you bigot!"

Sweet mother of evil, this guy's unbearable! If he didn't have that fancy sacred sword to hide behind, I'd give him a piece of my gifted mind. Then we'll see if he acts all high and mighty afterward.

"I'm getting sidetracked here. My Goddess, tell me, what are you doing here in the mortal realm?"

The goddess/Archpriest surmised her tale thus far for him. He didn't take it too well.

"WHAT!? You mean you were unlawfully exiled with this smart-mouthed emo kid and he allowed you to get snatched by a Griffin and Manticore!?"

"How many times does a guy have to say, 'my bad' to get an apology accepted?"

Murphy whipped his head furiously in my direction and actually hoisted me up off the ground by the lining of my coat collar.

"How could you treat a goddess this way!? You monster!"

Was this loser _really_ chosen to be the hero? 'Cause right now he looks more like a cookie cutter high school bully jock to me. He was even beginning to draw in a crowd of onlookers and bystanders, just like high school.

Before he had the chance to bash my face in, Aqua intervened by elaborating, "Wait! It's okay now. I've actually been having a lot of fun around here."

"I don't know how this thing managed to influence your judgement, but you're still a goddess; you deserve way better. This guy is just a nobody."

"Hey, lay off man! Anybody who's somebody starts out as a nobody."

"By the way, my queen, which inn are you sleeping at? Is it at least to your liking?"

Prick! Don't ignore me!

"Err, if by 'inn' you mean 'stable', then it's about ten blocks west of the farming district."

ACK! STRANGLING…ME…!

"You're dead meat, punk!"

Darkness came to my rescue and pushed the psychopath off of me.

"Is there no end to your insufferable rudeness!?"

Megumin stood next to Darkness and gazed at the so-called hero with a murderous glean in her crimson eyes. She stated, in a deathly calm tone of voice, "Touch our leader like that again, and I'll blow you into oblivion. _Got it?_ "

Note to self: _never_ get on that kid's blacklist.

That was enough intimidation for Michael to back off in fear. He cleared his throat while I tended to my bruised shoulders.

"Y-yes, well, I see you two are a Crusader and an Archwizard, respectively." He stopped to plainly check out Darkness' exposed nipple from her cracked breastplate. "And very charming ones at that, if you don't mind me saying."

Are you serious? He didn't even try to be subtle about it, he just unapologetically stared at her tits in open view!

Hold on. Did Darkness actually cover her chest with her arm? No, I did not just see that. Did I?

Unholy moly, she did, I wasn't hallucinating. What's next, the Devil King skating his way to work?

Marlo turned to me as he continued, "You're blessed to have such excellent teammates, and yet you make someone like Aqua sleep in a dirty stable. Have you no decency?"

Oh my god – listen to this wisenheimer acting like he's all that and a bag of chips! He's got the wrath of Chase Young and the overinflated ego of Omi all rolled up into the deluxe premium dick package.

Also, "excellent teammates"? These chicks are a messy handful, that's what they are!

Okay, well, to be honest, Aqua is the messy handful. Megumin may be a one-trick-pony and a bit of a know-it-all, but at least she's somewhat competent. And as for Darkness…

To be perfectly honest (no finger crosses this time), I'm not really sure yet. She gives me so many confusing feelings and I don't know what to make of any of them; social skills are not my forte. And it's a damn shame there aren't any I can obtain automatically on my Adventurer's card.

Now what? Oh, right, the Mitchel kid. He spoke to Aqua in a haughty tone that was grating on my ears.

"Aqua, this man isn't worth your time. You and your fine friends should join my party instead! As a humble Swordmaster and predestined hero, I'll make sure to gift you all with the best gear that money can buy. What do you say?"

"Wait, are you seriously trying to swipe my own teammates away from me!? That's not something good guys do!"

"Well you're no good guy yourself."

"Thanks for the compliment – but still not cool, man! W-we were just starting to click together. Y'know, a-as a party!"

"Fine, I suppose we'll be chivalrous and let the ladies decide for themselves what is best."

Marcus glanced at the girls while giving them a pearly white smile with no yellow-stained teeth. Damn him.

"So, what's going on in those beautiful heads of yours?"

It was then that Aqua "whispered" to her team loud enough for pretty much the whole block to hear.

"This guy is trouble with a capital 'T'. He's giving me a serious case of the heebie-jeebies. Plus, he somehow comes across as more narcissistic than _Jack._ That scares me."

"This man…Normally, it is I who likes to get beaten black and blue, but this man makes me want to punch him in the face without restraint."

"I wanna blow him up. Lemme blow him up."

I don't believe it. Even after all the crap I've put these ladies through, they're still willing to stick by my side and stand up for me? I think I did it: I think I finally found my perfect evil dream team!

I had no choice but to whoop out loud in celebration. Everyone looked at me funny, but I'm used to it! My persistence in maintaining a stable, functioning team has paid off at long last. I had every right to whoop!

I also had the right to gloat in the wannabe hero's face.

"HA! It looks like Jack Spicer's Evil Posse doesn't wanna join Team, uhm…Team, err…Oh! Team Good Guy Douchebags after all! Now, if you'll kindly excuse us, it's getting late and we're all tuckered out."

As we sauntered away, I made sure to turn back around to show him the "L" on my forehead, officially asserting my dominance.

Alas, my fleeting moment of satisfaction came to an end the second I caught Milo within my peripheral vision. The idiot ran ahead of us and stood in front of our path, trying to block the road. To say the guy was pissed would be like saying that the sun was warm.

"So, you're the fabled heir to Spicer Industries? Your corporate tycoon you call a family was trying to buy out my father's dream job before I died! Now things just got personal! I know what you're like; I've heard the nicknames people have been calling you around town."

Putting aside the fact that my parents were unintentionally making my new life more difficult for me, I got hyped up knowing I was the talk of the town.

"People are talking about me? Ooo! What're they saying? Are they calling me a genius?"

"That and among things. Two noteworthy names I've heard include 'Ghoul Boy' and 'Jack Whiner'."

"I. Do. Not! _Whiiiine!_ Why does everyone always say that! It's not fair!"

"That is why I, Mitsurugi Kyouya, challenge you to a showdown for the loyalty of the beautiful Aqua-sama!"

Great, and I thought I came here to get away from showdowns.

"If you win, she stays with you and I promise to leave your team be. If I win, she rightfully comes with me. And I'll do everything in my power to send her back home."

"Look, if I say yes, will you get out of here?"

"Only if you win."

"Fine."

I readied myself into a fighting stance and initiated the showdown.

"GONG YI TANPAI!"

My opponent didn't make a move or say anything at all. In fact, everybody around me went silent. It was so quiet, I could actually make out the crickets chirping to indicate evening.

"What was that? Chinese?"

"It literally means, 'let the showdown begin'."

"Oh…Well in that case…"

The so-called chosen one brandished his cheat item and charged screaming, "GONG YI TANPAI!"

Shit – I'm not ready! What was I thinking accepting his challenge!? He's got an OP enchanted sword and all I've got is a dinky dagger I bought for dirt-cheap at the Adventurer's Guild! I'M SCREWED!

Wait, I know!

"Bind!"

Let's see how well he can swing that bulky thing with both hands tied behind his back.

"You think a low-leveled Thief skill like that is gonna stop me?"

Without breaking his stride or a sweat, Matthew cut through the speeding ropes like they were made of paper. His sword shined and exuded a dangerously powerful aura similar to that of a Shen Gong Wu. And he was still charging at me with it.

Welp, looks like it's time for Plan B: survive, no matter how degrading!

My HeliBot sprang into action and gently hovered me away from the bloodthirsty Japanese just as his blade came into contact with the ground I was standing on.

Now that I was safe in the air where he couldn't reach me, I proceeded to bombard him with Bind until the off chance he slips up and gets tangled. If he gets to cheat, then so can I.

I'm the villain here, dang it, _I_ should be the only one allowed to cheat anyway!

"Bind! Bind! Bind! Bind! Bind! Bind!"

It's no use! That dick keeps cutting the ropes like a hot sword through melted butter. There's gotta be something else I can throw at him.

I fished around through my pockets with one hand while mindlessly shooting magical ropes with the other.

"Let's see, money pouch? Nope. Loose robot components? Nuh-uh. Yo-yo? Yo-no. Wrench? …This could work."

"No honor! Do you honestly think you can win by hovering in the air and using cheap tactics to wear me out? Shame! Everyone was right about you, 'Ghoul Boy', you really are a slippery push-over! You don't deserve Lady Aqua's hand in- -"

There's nothing more gratifying in the world than chucking a hard object at someone and being rewarded with a cartoon-sounding "clonk" on their head.

With a window of opportunity now open, I dive bombed into my disorientated enemy and latched on to his legs in a death grip so he couldn't move. At this point, I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I'm just wingin' it.

Marmaduke came to his senses and tried to kick me off, but I wouldn't let him. Irritated, he did everything to pry me off his legs.

"What the hell is wrong with you!? Get off me! Are you autistic or what!? Let go of my fucking legs!"

He used the flat side of his blade to bat me away while using his free hand to try and rip my god damn arms off. I knew I didn't have much time left.

The hand equipped with the Sacred Sword thing came really close to my face. Welp, here goes nothing!

I released my grip on Marlin's legs to grab onto his arm and the hilt of his sword. Giving him no time to react, I sank my molars into his wrists and bit down _hard._ My mouth was immediately filled with the bitter taste of iron, but I was determined to go through with my impromptu strategy.

The muscle-headed jock screamed in pain and instinctively dropped whatever his injured hand was holding. Bingo!

I let go as he pushed me off to apply pressure on his now blood-soaked, gloved hand. While he was preoccupied, I went straight for the sword, baby! I pointed it at the sky above my head and prepared to deliver the final blow…

Only for my adrenaline high to wear off and for my arms to realize the stinkin' thing was as bulky as it looked.

"H-heavy! HEAVY!"

The blessed sword eventually submitted to the forces of gravity. It clocked the flabbergasted teen on the noggin, making him grunt in surprise. He then submitted to the forces of gravity as well.

Physics: 2

What's-His-Name: 0

When I looked back at my posse, the girls stared at me with wide eyes like they didn't believe what they saw. I stared down at M Guy's unconscious form, almost not really believing the events myself. It was all kind of a blur for me.

"Wait, I won…? Uhhhh, I mean, of course I won! All according to plan! _Ha-ha!_ Not so heroic now, are ya 'o' great chosen one'? Hero? More like zero! Another victory in the name of evil! _Mwahahahaha!_ "

"Coward!"

" _Hahahaha_ – hey, who's trying to undermine my big moment?"

I noticed two girls exit an alleyway, one with lime green hair and one with fuchsia hair. They were on the verge of tears and calling me names in the middle of the street. Way to kill the mood.

"Coward, coward, COWARD! What kind of cheater uses Mitsurugi's own weapon against him!?"

"You give back the Sacred Sword Gram right now! You're not capable of using its powers, let alone holding it upright!"

Oh great, these must be his fangirls. I was so not in the mood to deal with opposing fangirls ready to claw my eyes out. I wish my CheerleaderBots were here to take out the trash.

Also, I can't use the sword's powers? I voiced my question to Aqua and she responded accordingly.

"…Wha? Oh! Yeah, uh, it's his cheat item, so only he can channel its special powers. It's just a regular sword to anyone else who tries to use it."

Pursing my lips, I inspected the holy artifact that was still lying next to its KO'd owner.

I picked it up the hilt, dragged it away from Mitsurugi, and called back to Lime and Fuchsia, "Sorry, but it's finders keepers, losers weepers. And since he is the loser in question, I'll be the one keeping it."

"No, we won't let you! We'll take it back from you, you _WORTHLESS_ coward!"

I stopped walking and stood in place, deaf to the world. I was no stranger to bullying, I had to quickly learn how to handle insults that came my way ever since I was a little kid. As you can imagine, it did wonders for my self-esteem and only got worse with time as my anxiety exacerbated. For the most part, I feel like I've done a pretty decent job managing it all.

But today had left me feeling exhausted, irritated, and drained. Those dumb sluts didn't know it, but they had just tripped into a very personal and very sensitive land mine.

"Y'know…once I rule this world…I'll probably have to round up all the rebels who try to oppose me..."

I slowly and deliberately turned around to stare at them. Seeing two stuck-up bitches cower and tremble under my sharp gaze filled me with pure, unadulterated glee. It made my lips caked with the blood of their idol stretch further into a sadistic grin.

"Maybe you two would work well together slaving away in my salt mines. It's not like you'd put up much of a fight anyhow – I mean, look at your boyfriend down there. If he couldn't last a few minutes against me, then what the hell kind of chance do you two little _shits_ have? Huh? Well? WELL!?"

I stomped closer, making them flinch away in terror.

"What's the matter, too chicken to fight me? C'mon, do it! Lemme see whatcha got! SHOW ME YOUR FUCKING WORST, CUNTS! _HAHAhahaHAHAAAAAAAAAA!_ "

Fuchsia and Lime screamed bloody murder as they dashed through the streets in horror. Serves them right, the little fucks.

I breathed in and out, in and out, and blinked a couple dozen times. Rubbing my aching temples, I groaned groggily. Maybe staying up late and only getting less than 30 total hours of sleep this past month wasn't one of my better moves. Especially considering maintaining a consistent sleep schedule is paramount to adapting to a new environment.

But thinking about it in depth was starting to make my head throb. Again, probably because the lack of sleep was slowly killing my brain. Ugh, fuck it.

Sighing, I turned back to my colleagues. Aqua hugged herself for safety, Megumin hid behind her staff looking more like a scared girl than a proud mage, and Darkness was on the ground blushing/hyperventilating like mad.

No doubt she was envisioning herself in Lime and Fuchsia's shoes.

I scratched the back of my neck when the awkward itching sensation came over me. I cleared my throat, "I um…I should probably get some actual rest tonight, shouldn't I?"

"Yes please do," answered back two of the three girls. The other one was still in La-La Land.


	7. Of Bots and Headless Men

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The ultimate question that has been plaguing mankind since the dawn of time will finally be answered...
> 
> Who would win in a fight: robots or zombies?

I couldn't sleep.

I'll admit, pulling frequent all-nighters has turned me into somewhat of an insomniac. I mean, when you're constantly pulling at your hair brainstorming ways to defeat supernatural monk warriors, you'd develop an inconsistent sleep schedule too.

Besides, even when hunting for Shen Gong Wu wasn't on my mind, I tended stay up late anyway: be it to build more robots, play video games, or because the night terrors wouldn't let me catch a break. Put all that together and you get Jack Spicer, Tired Teen Genius Extraordinaire ladies and gents!

Of course, sharing a "bed" with a living stump grinder doesn't exactly improve my insomnia either. While Aqua was happily snoozing away beside me, I was busy staring intently at the wooden ceiling of this sad hovel that was my temporary base of operations.

"These stables suck. A rising evil star on the brink of world domination shouldn't have to live like this. If only a certain goddess has-been would learn to save her money instead of covering for rent alone and blowing the rest on booze…"

A sneak peek at my stablemate revealed her to be sprawled out over on her side of the bed sheet. She instinctively scratched her exposed belly as she continued to sleep contently. It's honestly jarring how someone who was once a divine entity could sleep like such a slob.

I shifted away from Aqua and switched power saving mode off on my wristwatch. My eyes immediately squinted from the sudden brightness emanating from the LCD screen. After about a minute of adjusting to the small source of light, I checked the current time:

_3:05 AM_

"Crap. Well, looks like I won't be getting any shut eye tonight. Might as well work on the boys."

I know I promised the girls (and myself) that I'd get to sleep, but any hope of that died when I checked the time. If I'm still wide awake and it gets to be that late into the night? Yeah, no, I won't be going under anytime soon. I'm better off doing something productive until either the sun rises, or my body shuts down on me.

Unfortunately, I've run into a bit of proverbial roadblock at the moment. While I would like to put on the finishing touches to my JackBots, I can't access Sandbox Mode because I'm all out of mana! And just when I only needed a small amount of metal too!

"Goddammit."

Sitting up in frustration from a lack of mana and sleep, I glowered at anything I could find in the room. I felt a strong need to telepathically channel all of my pissed vibes at something; y'know, just as a way to feel better about myself.

But that's when my evil eyes locked onto a tall object leaning by itself off in the corner. The moonlight coming from outside our open window reflected off its smooth, sheen, _metallic_ surface.

Sacred Sword Gram.

Since it was that lame-o hero's cheat item, he was the only one capable of activating its powers, kind of like a personalized Shen Gong Wu. In my hands, it was nothing more than a fancy broadsword that was too heavy for me to even swing.

Buuuuut…metal is metal.

"Plus, it's free metal to boot. So don't mind if I do~"

Tiptoeing out of the stables while dragging a heavy blade can definitely put some hair on your chest, I'll say that much. Maybe one of these days I'll save up on enough skill points to purchase the Two-Handed Sword skill. For future convenience.

Regardless, the idea was currently irrelevant as Sacred Grammy here was on its way to get melted down for parts. And bad old Uncle Jack just so happens to know a smithy in his local area. Tonight was the perfect night for a quick break-in-and-out.

* * *

Double-check for oil leaks, adjust a bolt here and there, brush off any loose hay…

"And now for the pièce de résistance, the most important piece of them all…The. Emotion. Chip."

I couldn't afford to mess this up; these sensitive chips were by far the hardest part of the whole process. After melting the sword down for its precious metal, I spent the rest of the night doing some hardcore coding on my laptop that I had hooked up to a portable generator (both of which were built from scratch ahead of time).

But it was worth it, for these puppies are the push my babies need to make the jump from weak AI to _strong_ AI! And I have Mitsubishi's refined taste in weaponry to thank. Seriously, the metal in that blade was of surprisingly high quality. It was the ideal material to form the basis for these emotion chips!

After yesterday's semi-scarring skirmish with a Manticore and Griffin, I doubled down on finishing my JackBots. The emotional roller coaster from that encounter turned out to be the wake-up call I needed to quit procrastinating and finish building my mechanized army of doom already.

Frankly, after all the crap that's been happening to me since arriving here, I'm surprised it's taken this long for me to finally crack. I thought my former Heylin lackey days would better prepare me for crazy bullshit, but I guess not. This world was on a whole 'nother level of insanity compared to mine.

Ah well, less time spent mulling it over, the better. "Let sleeping dogs lie," as the old saying goes.

Or, as Cheeseball would phrase it, "Allow snoozing canines to fib".

Did I say "phrase" it? I meant butcher it like a screaming cow.

Anyway, I still needed to install the last emotion chip and close up JB-B2U1532's head. That's right, the same JB-B2U1532 from Attack Squad Sigma, and not just a blank slate.

I won't bore you with the exceedingly complicated calculations involved, but, in short, I managed to rig up a multidimensional network router to access my backup servers from home and transfer the memory files of the bots I was repairing last.

And that's why it never hurts to have backup servers for whenever your robots get trashed: to preserve their memories and retain their individuality…

OH, and, uh, also to extract tactical information from battle. Yeah, that's important too.

Using a pair of tweezers, I gently lowered the emotion chip into place. An amateur would likely lose their cool about now and drop the chip into the jungle of wires. However, I am no amateur. I've done this procedure so many times, I could do it with my eyes clo- -

" _RRREEEEEEhehehe!_ "

"SHIT – oh my god!"

The horse two stables away just let out a neigh so intense, it almost made me snap the chip in half with my tweezers. Bad lord, you'd think that horse was on its way to a glue factory with the way it was screaming! Fuckin' barnyard animal jump scares, it's been like that since the first night Aqua and I moved into the stables. And the owner calls _us_ out on being too loud!

"One of these days, we're moving outta this crap-hole and into a mansion, I swear…"

I collected myself and installed the chip before my low luck stat could cause any more misfortune. I refuse to let anything set me back when it comes to my passion; robotics is pretty much all I have going on for me. It's the one talent I'm best at and I won't let the world take that away from me. I'll conquer it before it ever gets the chance.

After putting away my tools, I stood proudly in front of my babies all neatly lined up in a row.

They were currently floating via their antigrav systems instead of their propulsion jets because barns are the second most flammable things in existence next to gas stations. The downside is it eats up their power reserves like how I eat up my pudding stash.

But, hey, that's why I built the portable generator.

"Alright, enough stalling. Let's get this party started!"

I walked around the bots and systematically flipped the "ON" switch built into the back of their heads. As each one activated, it followed standard robot procedures and stated its serial number to me:

"JB unit B2U1532: Online."

"JB unit C2U5H32: Online."

"JB unit 514Y32: Online."

"JB unit W23CK32" Online."

"JB unit D3V4574702: Online."

"JB unit CUPC4K3: Online."

I would've normally made more JackBots, but I just don't have enough magic to spawn more resources. That, and I'm feeling kinda lazy right now. But hey, at least I got the members of Sigma Squad here with me!

After the JackBots warmed up their systems, I ordered for them to run a self-diagnostic scan just to be sure everything was running optimally. As soon as the last of the scan results came up positive, my irrational anxieties melted away.

"All systems and their respective components are at 100% peak performance, Master," reported JB-B2U1532.

"Awesome, I was worried about having to fix any potential bugs, so that's good to hear. Also, you guys can drop the formalities, we're not doing anything right now.."

"Cool beans. Now that that's out of the way, where are we exactly? This building does not match with the blueprints of your regular Fortress of Eviltude."

"Yeah, no offense sir, but this place looks more like where Clay Bailey sleeps. I'm very grateful you didn't incorporate smell-o-vision into our sensory network by the way," JB-W23CK32 commented.

"Yeah, suppose I should catch y'all up to speed – and there I go sounding like the country bumpkin himself...Anyway, let me explain."

Okay, deep breath, inhale as much oxygen as your lungs will allow. And here we go:

"IdiedonEarthinanembarrassingwayandgotreincarnatedbyauselessgoddessnamedAquawhoalso

accompaniesmealongsideanexplosionhappygirlnamedMeguminandamasochisticbuthotknightnamed

DarknessasweadventureinapseudomedievalworldwithlightJRPGelementstodefeattheDevilKingsothatIcantakehisplaceandruletheworld!"

NAILED IT! I thought I'd pass out before I could get all that out. I trusted the bots to make sense of what I said, I've upgraded their audio receptors to decipher my rapid-fire speech long ago. They're one of few things in existence that can actually understand me.

JB-W23CK32 buzzed momentarily before registering my answer. "Bzzt. Uhh…right, well, our partnership logs have already been updated with these characters you've described, so there's that. But what do you mean you died and are no longer on Earth?"

"What happened?" asked JB-514Y32.

"Are you okay?" wondered JB-B2U1532.

"Were you assassinated!?" demanded JB-D3V4574702.

"Was it the work of a saboteur?" inquired JB-C2U5H32.

"You weren't traumatized, were you!?" fretted JB-CUPC4K3.

The robots hovered around me beeping question after question, all wanting to hear the deets. In hindsight, maybe it would've been more efficient to simply preprogram them with knowledge of our situation.

In my defense, even the most brilliant of geniuses are prone to absent-mindedness.

So, I gave them all a rundown of what happened to me and how I got here, starting with my epiphany in Hong Kong and ending with yesterday's quest.

"After that, I kicked it into overtime and finished repairing you guys by transferring your data across time and cyberspace."

"…Damn. It's obvious you've faced many hardships since your arrival. Had we been there, we would've protected you. A thousand apologies, Master."

"Hey, you guys hadn't been reconstructed yet, so don't beat yourselves up over it. Besides, the entire process would've gone a lot faster if I had a bigger mana pool; it takes an entire night of sleep just to recharge my reserves!"

"Speaking of which, sir, exactly how much rest have you acquired lately?"

Yeah, I had a funny feeling they would ask that…

"Uuuhhh…I went to bed every now and then, if that's what you mean."

The machines let out a low whistle which indicated they were unsure about something.

"Sir, with all due respect, humans in your age range need at least eight to ten hours of sleep in order to operate," JB-514Y32 gently lectured. "And in your particular case, twelve hours minimum. We all know how cranky you can get otherwise."

"Guys, simmer down will ya!? Look, I get that I've never had the greatest sleep schedule in the world…or _worlds_ for that matter _._ But I'm doing perfectly fine, trust me. When have I ever been wrong?"

Silence. Exactly what I wanted to hear.

"See? Everything's bad in the neighborhood, which, for a bad guy, is good. Anyway, I gotta go meet up with Aqua and the girls now. If I don't shake a leg, they'll start to get worried about me. Stay put and I'll contact you if there's trouble. Copy?"

"Affirmative." x6

Man, I almost forgot what it felt like to be respected unconditionally. Which, by the way, is sweet!

* * *

"JACK SPICER! I've been waiting for you!"

Oh great, the last person I wanted to run into, and he's low-key stalking me now.

I didn't even have a chance to make it up the steps to the guild when M-Guy came at me from behind. Those two fangirls of his were tagging along as well, like the gold diggers they probably were. Although once they spotted me, they rightfully kept their distance. So there's that at least.

"Fio and Clemea told me you threatened them after cheating your way to victory in our last showdown! Not only that, but sources say you also like dousing women in rancid slime! You really are no better than Kazuma the Cad!"

"Oh my god! Are there still people hung up by that slime thing? I already tried telling them that we almost got eaten by Giant Frogs, but they don't wanna listen! Judgmental pricks…"

Ministration ignored me and continued on. "On behalf of all women, I demand that you give my party members a formal apology this instant!"

"You tell him, Kyouya!"

"Yeah, make him beg for our forgiveness!"

…

Wait, they're serious? They honestly expect me to grovel for them after I won unfair and square? HA! What a buncha jokers! I just had to laugh right in their dumb faces, there was no other option!

"Oh man, that's rich! I can't believe that was actually your comeback plan: ask the bad guy to apologize for kicking your butt! _Heh-heh-heh…_ Yeah, no, buzz off."

As I proceeded up the stairs to the guild, Mumbo felt the need to call out in desperation.

"WAIT!"

More curious than I was annoyed, I glanced back down at him to see what he wanted now. And boy, he really looks as desperate as he sounds.

"Look, forget about apologizing to the girls; that's not what's important here."

Damn! I'm just as stunned as Fio and Clemea over there.

"And I know you're the last person I should ask anything from, but…"

If I wasn't already taken aback by now, I was when this dude started bowing before me. Bowing!Like he's been my loyal subject for all his life! And I didn't even have to assert myself as the new Devil King to make that happen.

"Please give me back my Sacred Sword Gram! If you do, I swear on my hero's oath that I will buy you the second-best sword in all the land. Or, if you'd like, I can give you as much as you need to purchase any high-grade equipment. Just name your price."

Name my price, eh?

"5 million eris. Upfront."

"Consider it done."

That actually worked!?

The gullible "hero" pulled out a money pouch that was full to bursting and simply handed it to me, no questions asked. I peered inside the sack, counted some of the coins and bills, made some rough estimations in my head accounting for volume and weight, and concluded that there was – in fact – 5 million eris stuffed in that pouch. Maybe even a little over.

Does Mississippi not know anything at all about how economics work? Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if he thought economics was something you could _eat._

Oh well, I'm not gonna look this gift horse in the mouth; I just made the biggest swindle in my entire villainous career! I'm laughing all the way to the bank!

"I believe that should cover your expenses. It's a small price to pay to get my sword back."

5 million eris is pocket change for you!?

"Now, may I please be reunited with my blessed blade?"

"Oh I'm afraid that won't be possible considering how I technically don't have it anymore."

There was a slight eye twitch followed by a passing dry chuckle. This should be an interesting watch to unfold. Damn I wish I had popcorn.

"Uh…heh heh, good one, Jack. But no, really, where is the Sacred Sword Gram?"

"I already told you: it's gone bye-bye. I had it melted down last night to make programming chips. It's not like I could've used it in combat, it was too heavy. So that's why I turned it into something that was useful to me personally. Genius, no?"

Mindy's shoulders went slack. His mouth: agape. Eyes: wide as saucers. Worldview: shattered by the one and only Jack Spicer, Evil Teen Genius!

Eventually, he mustered the inner strength to speak again.

"You melted my sword down…My only source of power…and you used it to make p-programming chips. Heh… _heheh_ … _GRRAAAAAAHHHHHH!_ "

Fucking hell, man! Don't scare me like that! I must've finally pushed him past his limit to get him to freak out. Three cheers for me, I guess?

"First your shitty family buys out my father's dream job, and now you've ruined my second chance at life! Mark my words, _Spicer,_ the Mitsurugi name will be avenged, you hear me!? AVENGED!"

Before I could get a word in, Mitten ran off, stringing together a colorful set of profanities and curses at my family name. His two fangirls cried out for him as they tried to keep up.

"…Did I just accidentally create an origin story for an upcoming villain? That's so rad! He was more suited to be a bad guy than a 'chosen one' anyway. His evil rants could use some work though; too short and vanilla."

With 5 million eris in my hand, I strutted inside the guild like I owned the place (because for all intents and purposes, I did). It was inside that I noticed the girls were seated at the bar counter instead of our usual table. Shaking things up I see.

Well, I just made a small fortune, so I'm down for anything today. Let's get crazy; live a little!

"What's up fellas? And I'm not just talkin' about the ceiling!"

Megumin and Darkness both rolled their eyes at me but smiled regardless.

"Jack, you seem to be in much better spirits now. I trust a good night's rest did the trick?"

I was in such a great mood, I was able to lie straight in Darkness' charming face. "Absolutely! I feel like I can do anything today…Hey, uh, what's with Aqua?"

While I was in the middle of congratulating myself on a nefarious job well done, I failed to notice Aqua slumped on the counter with her head buried in her arms; a position I'm all too familiar with sometimes.

Megumin answered solemnly, "Oh yeah, that reminds me, we have some bad news: our reward money for the Griffin/Manticore kill quest was revoked. My Explosion magic caused significant property damage to the village's carrot patch. Now the guild is using the posted bounty to cover the damages…"

"Yes, and as you can see, Aqua is taking the news quite personally. She became unusually quiet shortly after Luna came in to inform us of our involuntary transgression. I'm worried that she might be relapsing into another withdrawn state."

If it were any other day, I might've been greatly upset too. But my luck stat must be pulling out of the red, because today ain't like any other day!

"Oh, is that it? Well, look what Uncle Jack managed to scrounge up in his off time!"

I plopped the money pouch onto the counter, the musical sound of coins clinging together inside stroking my ego. The stunned reactions of Meg and Dark was priceless I tell ya.

However, their reactions were dwarfed by Aqua's reaction to my 5 mil. All of a sudden, she pulled her head out of arms and sniffed the air around her like some kind of bloodhound goddess. When her nose led her to the money pouch, her eyes widened and sparkled with intensity.

She gasped overdramatically, "Jack-Jack! You brought 5,425,369 eris for us? You really are the best! Now mama can buy her morning beer! Arigato gozaimasu!"

I was so confused wondering how she managed to know the exact amount just by sniffing, I didn't even bother to stop her from scooping a handful of the dough. Besides, like she said apparently, its 5.4 million eris, I can live with it.

"There's over 5 million eris in that bag!?" the incredulous Archwizard choked. "Where in the name of the Eldritch Titans did you get all that money?"

Darkness eyed me suspiciously. "You didn't steal this from the bank, did you? Petty theft is one thing, but I will not turn a blind eye over a capital offense."

I recapped the run-in I had with that lame excuse for a hero to my team as Aqua used her handful to spot us on breakfast.

"So after he blindly gave away a small fortune he had in his pants, I dropped the bomb and told him I already melted his sword down for robot parts last night! _HAHAHA!_ Oh man – you should've seen the devastation on that meathead's face: priceless!"

Strangely, Megumin interrupted my maniacal laughing fit to apparently point something out.

"Wait a minute, you melted down his sword last night? But I thought you said you finally got some sleep last night."

Aqua slammed her mug after taking a big gulp and added, "Hey, that reminds me! When I woke up this morning, Jack wasn't lying next to me in our haystack. He was in that spare stable working on his robot thingies again!"

Uh-oh, I've been caught, red hand in the cookie jar. Wuya was right, I really do need to learn to think before I speak.

"Look, I tried to go to sleep, but I just couldn't, alright!? Can't fault a teenager for at least trying…"

Dark rested her arms on the counter top as she scrutinized me.

"I can see bags forming under your eyes, even underneath all that eyeliner."

"Are you sure you're the only guy in the party?"

"Zip it Aqua. It's my own take on villainous cosmetics, you wouldn't understand."

"As I was saying," interjected Darkness, "you have some pretty heavy bags under your eyes. We're concerned for your well-being, Jack, and so should you. Burning the candle at both ends is not a healthy lifestyle."

I'm sorry, but if I couldn't trust my own parents to look after me growing up, then I can't trust you girls with that either. Call it being paranoid or insecure, I don't care; I'm still not entirely ready to open up to these three just yet.

I'm still bracing myself for the day they inevitably throw me under the bus.

"Girls, girls, please. I can take care of myself. Besides, I'm not even that tired- -"

A huge yawn suddenly escaped my mouth the second it was open wide enough. Steeling my nerves, I swiftly slapped both cheeks and put a stop to that. My face stung, but it had to be done.

"…See? Not tired."

Aqua and Megumin didn't seem convinced. As for Darkness…

"Umm, h-how much force did you apply to your cheeks just then? A-asking for a friend."

"Oh, sure, I bet 'Chris' is just _dying_ to know."

"Let's change the subject. There's something I've been meaning to ask Aqua about."

Our little pyrotechnician turned to the blue girl munching away at the fried frog legs she ordered and tapped her shoulder. Once Aqua took notice, Megumin got straight to the point.

"That Mitsurugi guy kept calling you 'goddess' for some reason, and there was talk about him and Jack being reincarnated. What was that all about?"

Aqua and I locked eyes with one another. We never thought about what would happen if our teammates asked questions like that. We were fine lying to Yunyun and Satou since Yunyun was too shy to visit and Satou was already from Earth. But we can't exactly keep our associates in the dark forever, they're bound to find out sooner or later.

With a huff of air, I decided to come clean.

"Dark, Meg, I think it's time we told you the truth about us. See, I'm not from around here. And when I say, 'not from around here', I don't mean that in the 'I'm from another kingdom' kind of way. No, I mean I'm not from this _world._ I came from an advanced planet called Earth in the Milky Way galaxy from a parallel universe. Aqua was the one who brought me to your world."

Aqua didn't even bother to wipe the crumbs off her face when she brazenly stood up straight.

"He's right, and I can vouch for him! For you see, I am no ordinary Archpriest, I am secretly goddess Aqua. Yes, the one and only goddess Aqua of the Axis Sect.! The Council of Heaven selected me of all deities to guide and reincarnate the souls of humans between the ages of thirteen and nineteen who die in a specific region of Earth! We're sorry for not telling you sooner, we were just worried you wouldn't be able to handle the truth."

…

Y'know, hearing the premise of our situation summed up aloud like that, even I don't buy it. Especially coming from the woman whose mouth was messier than a baby's.

Aqua and I stared intently into Darkness and Megumin's eyes. It became an awkward co-op staring contest for as long as any of us could care to remember (and I'd rather not). Finally, after what felt like a friggin' year went by, the Crusader and Crimson Demon gave their responses, respectively.

"Eh!? You mean, you're really the goddess Aqua? As in, senior to the goddess of fortune, Eris herself?"

Darkness then proceeded to bow on one knee and lower her head in what I assumed was respect.

"Even though I am a faithful devotee to your junior, I should still feel blessed and honored to have a divine being such as yourself in my party. From the bottom of this lowly Crusader's heart, I humbly thank thee..."

Out of nowhere, Megumin twirled her staff high in the air and aimed it at Aqua, who leaned back in response. Despite there not being a draft indoors, her cape somehow fluttered behind like she was a superhero. Blech.

"OF COURSE! How could I have not detected it sooner with the wicked powers of my forbidden sixth sense? You are indeed a holy entity sent forth by the realm of the gods to test me for my explosive prowess!"

Megumin slammed her staff and covered her face with her left gloved hand, leaving her middle and ring fingers open a crack to peek out with her right eye.

"Very well then, I accept the challenge! When thou hast returned home, let your kind know that I, Megumin, the Crimson Demon Clan Genius, am ready to join your ranks in godhood..."

And here I thought _I_ had a god complex…Or was it an inferiority complex?

Wait a minute, I'm getting off track! These two actually believe our claims?

"Hang on, time out, hold your horses and phones! So…you two believe me when I say I come from another world, right?"

"Right."

"And that also means you believe Aqua is the secret goddess who reincarnated me, right?"

"Right."

And yet when I say I'm evil incarnate, you don't buy!? Wow, okay, wow; I'm getting really sick and tired of this.

Darkness explained, "To be honest, I've always suspected you weren't native to Belzerg. All the signs that you were a foreigner were present: your clothes, accent, odd sayings, they all pointed to you being from out of town. Why, your bewilderment of things we consider mundane was a dead giveaway! Though given this recent revelation, I now understand why our creatures and customs may have seemed so shocking to you. And for that, I wholeheartedly apologize."

Megumin elaborated, "Yeah, and as for Aqua being a goddess, we've seen her do some pretty extraordinary stuff to back it up: like the time she lifted that death curse off of Darkness. Not even the most advanced magic users can single-handedly perform such a feat with ease. Then there was yesterday when she attracted a wandering undead; only people and objects with a divine aura can do that. Heck, she shares the same name as the Axis cultists' deity of worship! At this point, it would be harder to believe that she _isn't_ a goddess."

Aqua raised her chin snootily from all the talk and praise she was receiving. She gazed at me with lidded eyes and spoke in that condescending tone I've heard way too often in my life.

"Sorry Jackie, I suppose it can't be helped that I've enamored them with my divine powers and abilities. You'll just have to take a back seat while I carry this team to success."

Oh god, this is worse than I thought. Not only do they still not believe that I'm evil, but they've fully accepted Aqua as a genuine goddess. If I'm not careful, she could easily take over my position as group leader! I need to do something to knock her down a peg before her ego floats off into space.

"…Wipe your mouth, you've got schmutz all over your face."

I expected to get some kind of reaction out of Aqua, and boy did she deliver on it. Her eyes snapped open, she licked some of the crumbs off the corner of her lips, and she turned her whole body away to furiously wipe her mouth with her sleeve while uttering, "You suck!"

The PA system cut me off from my laughing and announced an emergency at the front gates again. It also stated for my party specially to report as well. I felt a foreboding cramp form in the pit of my stomach when I heard that.

Everyone in the guild murmured amongst themselves about us as they all got up to head to the gates. All the adventurers dropped their gossiping when they saw what the emergency was all about, and I didn't need to expend any brainpower figuring out why once the crowd parted a way for me.

The Headless Horseman's stepson was back in town.

"Cabbage Ninja, Archpriest, Crazy Crimson girl, do you think this is a joke? Is this your idea of a joke? Well? IS IT!?"

The pulsating dark energy flared around him and his decapitated horse screamed like a soul damned to the Underworld.

"WHY DO YOU PEOPLE KEEP BOMBARDING MY CASTLE!?"

"What!? But we've entered a ceasefire with you already! Haven't we?"

"Oh, 'entered a ceasefire' you say? What a bald-faced lie! That little arsonist of yours still keeps showing up just to explode my home!"

Slowly and painfully, I turned around to face the aforementioned arsonist, who was looking everywhere else except at me.

Now, as much as I wanted to smack her upside the head for basically dooming us all, I was raised not to hit girls unless it was a matter of defending myself.

However, I wasn't raised to not roughly pull their hats down over their heads until they begged for me to stop.

"Ow-Ow-OW! Stop it, Jack, cut it out!"

"I thought we agreed to leave him alone, Megumin! We even pinkie promised! Did that mean nothing to you!?"

I reluctantly let her go if only to let her explain herself.

"Well, up until recently, casting my favorite spell on an empty plain was enough for me. But ever since tasting the pleasure of blowing up a castle, it's different…"

Megumin paused, then disturbingly began to rub her staff while fidgeting. "Now I have to unleash on something big and hard in order to feel satisfied."

"Ew. Remind me to never touch your staff. But hang on – you can't move after you use your magic! That means you must've had an accomplice! So who- -"

Suddenly, I heard what sounded like someone blowing a raspberry. I found Aqua looking the other way, trying to pass off her mouth farts as innocent whistling. When she glanced at me, she chuckled nervously.

"I mean, it is that guy's fault that there aren't any good quests anymore, so I wanted to help Megumin get him back for it. Heh…heh…"

That reckless idiot. I know I've made some questionable decisions in the past, but never any that would actively endanger my life. Aqua might as well have helped Megumin plant C-4s in a bear's den. Now we're all about to get mauled for it!

The Devil King general's booming voice forced us to focus on the matter at hand.

"Hear me, mortals! I am Beldia: a knight who has strayed from the path of God and sought salvation from his unholiness, the Devil King. In life, I strove to be an upstanding knight, and I find it most appalling that none of you have come seeking retribution for your ally's death. In my opinion, that Crusader was a model knight, a true protector of the people! She used her own body to shield you from my death curse, and to abandon her is – OH COME ON ALREADY!"

Beldia stopped himself when he saw Darkness, alive and kicking, stepping out from behind the crowd.

Call me crazy, but I think she was actually blushing from modesty instead of arousal. I know, I was surprised too. What's next: psychokinetic aliens coming down to tell us we only have magic powers because they mated with early man?

No, no, don't be ridiculous, Jack. _Earth humans_ mated with this world's people, not aliens...

I'm losing touch with reality.

"G-gosh, you really think I'm a model knight? I'm only doing my job, really..."

The fields of Axel Town were as quiet as the night, even though the stupid sun was out. But that didn't last for very long.

"How can you possibly still be alive you foolish girl!?"

That's when Aqua went into a riot, laughing her empty head off.

"Oh man, can you believe it? The silly old Dullahan didn't know I dispelled his curse! He's been waiting for us to come to his castle this whole time! _Fufufu_ …I bet he was pacing around in his room like a little kid!"

Aqua, while that scene you described is kinda funny, now's not the time to make fun of the monster who swore fidelity to a guy called the _Devil King!_

"Insolence! I should slaughter every inhabitant of this backwater town! No novice dares to make a fool out of- -"

"Yeah, whatever. Turn Undead!"

Aqua merely pointed at him, and the Dullahan was enveloped in a raging pillar of light. He screamed in agony along with his steed before it disintegrated entirely. The light faded and Beldia was left rolling on the ground, writhing in pain.

"S-something isn't right, Jack! My magic wasn't effective!"

"You kiddin'? It seemed super effective to me."

I watched Beldia stand back up and carefully pick his head off the ground. One of his maroon eyes lit up as he regarded Aqua.

"Such a spell! You…you can't possibly be a novice, can you? I thought only low-leveled adventurers lived in this town. W-well, no matter! For I shall leave no witnesses left alive- -"

"Sacred Turn Undead!"

Beldia was once again zapped by a divine ray of light, except this one seemed much more intense than the last. Just like before, he rolled around on the ground wailing in pain.

"Oh no, my purification magic isn't strong enough to one-shot him!"

"Maybe not, but I still think you did quite a number on him."

After scooping up his head, Beldia cast dark magic to shroud the area in front of him in a black mist. What came next were dozens upon dozens of necrotic hands freeing themselves from the earth. The owners of the hands crawled out of the ground and revealed themselves to the world as hideous zombies, all armed to the teeth with medieval weapons.

"Forget it, I always let my minions take care of the rabble for me. Steady my Undead Knights! Make sure to leave only fire and ash to this pathetic little town!"

Ah, so that's his game, huh? Oh perfect opportunities, you really know how to spoil me.

I stepped forward from my group to meet the general halfway across the field. My teammates questioned my actions while warning me to back off, but I ignored them. I've been waiting for this exact kind of moment to happen, and I wanted to flex on my enemies.

Beldia said and did nothing to me as I met him halfway. It's likely he was curious and wanted to humor me for a bit. Once I stopped walking, I briefly scanned his small army.

"So, your idea of minions are mindless, rotting corpses, huh? Ooooo, I'm sooooo scared! What ever shall I do against such a _formidable_ fighting force?"

The decapitated commander let out a disbelieving noise of some sort from his head's hidden mouth.

"You're taunting me. Either you must be incredibly brave or incredibly suicidal to get this close to me simply to mock."

"How could I not mock? Anybody who's played a video game knows that zombies are just a poor boss' minions. My minions, on the other hand, are in a league of their own. They'll sweep your glorified maggot farms in no time flat."

"What in the name of the Devil King's daughter are you on about? Surely you don't mean those three maidens in your party? I'll admit, the Archpriest has some bite in her, but not even she will be able to withstand a raging horde of Undead Knights! Isn't that right, men?"

The zombies gargled a malicious war cry while raising whatever weapons they had high into the air. I inputted the call command in my communicator without so much as glancing down.

"The girls aren't my minions..."

Soon the nostalgic sound of soaring jet engines pierced the air. When the undead group looked up above my head, they somehow managed to convey bewilderment through their gaunt, skeletal faces. Heck, Beldia seemed to be baffled, and his head's face could hardly be seen through that T-visor.

"…These guys are my minions."

After no doubt shitting bricks at the sight of my homemade henchmen, Beldia made a jab in an attempt to downplay the situation.

"Hmm…Six queer golems versus twenty resurrected soldiers? Unconventional to say the least, but ultimately futile."

I'm sorry, did he just write off my babies as "golems"?

"UMMM, excuse me, but my JackBots are NOT golems thank you. They are ROBOTS! Say it with me now: RAH-OH-BOTS! If you wanna sound science-y, then calling them automatons and/or droids is also acceptable."

My words must've gone in one ear and out the other with this lug because he didn't acknowledge my small lecture in any way.

"Go forth, Undead Knights! Show this arrogant brat a glimpse of hell!"

Oh yeah? I can one-up that!

"JackBots: ATTACK!"

My verbal command was registered by their audio receptors the nanosecond after it was said. As Beldia's mob made their charge, Attack Squad Sigma switched into melee mode by converting their clawed digits into extended saw blades. Once those blades whirred to life, they flew directly into the Undead Knights at Mach speed.

The following battle would be a worthy contender for the crowning moment in JackBot history ever since protecting me from Wuya's rock monsters. Despite the glaring number disadvantage, my boys fiercely stood their ground – err, air I guess? What I mean is, they held their own considerably well from the zombie warriors' clumsy battle coordination. And even if one did manage to land a hit on my robots, the most amount of damage it could make was a scratch or small dent.

Orichalcum man, it's the shit. It may not be much to a Xiaolin Monk, but it is to the undead. So far, anyway.

The intrusive buzzing sound of rapidly spinning saw blades dominated the battlefield as the JackBots mowed down the competition. I released a breath I didn't know I was holding when I failed to see any old blood or decomposing guts spill onto the ground. Watching gory horror films at age 5 was one thing, but I don't think I was mentally prepared to see or smell the real thing. Maybe the lack of internal organs has something to do with the resurrection process being voodoo-based instead of viral-based?

I dunno, I'm a scientist, not a witch doctor.

Musings aside, the Undead Knights were torn to shreds like used tissue paper. Their deteriorated bodies and flimsy, incomplete armor sets weren't winning them any favors. All that was left of them was a large, unmoving pile of mangled limbs and torsos. Thank Romero these zombies don't operate on Return of the Living Dead logic, or we'd be stuck here for a while.

I looked back at the Devil King general and grinned sadistically at him.

"Well, would you look at that? Looks like I have the better minions after all. Told ya they were in a league of their own."

"SO FREAKING COOL!"

Unfortunately, during my gloating of the enemy, that shrill exclamation made me flinch in surprise. I angrily whipped around to locate the source.

Using my Farsight skill to look back at the town gate, I easily pinpointed an ecstatic Megumin as a likely candidate. While Aqua, Darkness, and the rest of the adventurers seemed downright stunned, the little Crimson Demon was the only one who looked hyped. It's great to receive some recognition and all, but not when it makes me look bad in a bad way.

She shouted, "Did you really make those things yourself? That's insane! Those have gotta be some of the coolest golems I've ever seen!"

"They're not golems, they're robots! Get it right!" I shouted back, now incredibly frustrated. Why do I get the feeling that's going to become a pattern in the near future?

Never mind that, Beldia's speaking again.

"So, your 'robots' dispatched all of my Undead Knights in less than a minute. Impressive…"

"Thanks~"

"…For a coward!"

Backhanded compliments. Should've known.

"Hiding behind toys doesn't make you a man, it makes you a gutless whelp! Those creations of yours may have defeated my underlings but let us see them take _me_ on!"

The fallen knight assumed a battle stance (as well as one can perform while cradling their own head) and the JackBots took the initiative of circling him. He had yet to make a move.

"Your move, Cabbage Ninja…"

I think I see what's going on here. He's baiting me into attacking first so that he can do…something. Don't know what that something is exactly, but it's never a good sign if the enemy is willing to let you throw the first punch.

Luckily, I still have the element of surprise on my side. Beldia doesn't know about the bots' secondary laser-fire mode; he still thinks saw blades are their only form of attack. He's expecting them to rush in for a direct assault.

And even though that stainless-steel armor provides for some annoying protection, I could see his thighs, abdomen, and inner forearms were the only parts left uncovered…

"JackBots: OPEN FIRE! AIM FOR HIS BODYSUIT!"

"My what!?"

Attack Squad Sigma retracted their bladed arms in favor of chest-mounted plasma rifles. Within seconds, highly concentrated energy blasts were fired upon the general's weak spots. The best part? It was actually working! Everything's coming up Jack!

The Dullahan suffered from intense spasms with each new shot directed at his black bodysuit. Speaking of, it actually reminded me of Darkness' own black bodysuit. I think that's what sparked a subconscious chain of events wherein I connected bodysuits with pain and sensitivity. I owe it to that pervy Crusader and her flaming masochism.

Soon Beldia knelt before the unrelenting onslaught of lasers. My boys closed in on their target to shorten the traveling distance of the plasma beams, making them more deadly in the process. Just when it seemed like a clean victory was possible, Murphy's law reared its ugly head.

Or should I say tossed it.

With a guttural, manly roar, the undead commander threw his own head high up into the air. Before it could succumb to the forces of gravity, however, it ominously remained frozen in the sky. Then, in an underwear-changing turn of events, a horrifying mirage of a large fiery eye from Hell encompassed it.

Y'know, it almost made it look like the head was now functioning as…its…pupil…

Oh no.

"Uh, J-J-J-JackB-B-B-Bots?"

Suddenly, Beldia's body was slipping past every shot with speed rivaling that of Chase Young. Most of the misfires turned into friendly fires due to the squad shooting in a tight circle. It was the second battle for the Mind Reader Conch all over again!

To make things worse on my end, Beldia pulled out a _ginormous_ sword from somewhere and performed a devastating spin-slash maneuver. After he eventually stopped spinning, nothing happened for a good while. Did his attack whiff or what?

Well, I'd get my answer in the form of JB-C2U5H32 falling apart from a horizontal cut in the middle of his chassis.

D3V4574702, B2U1532, CUPC4K3, it was the same for all of them. They'd all been split in half by the stepson to the Headless Horsemen. Weeks of blood, sweat, and tears went down the drain! I just, just, I'm gonna puke out fucking blood – that's how dogshit this was!

"Nnnnnnnnext?"

And just like that, we're back to crippling fear and anxiety.

The eye mirage had already disappeared and Beldia's head was secured in his left hand. In his right was a sword twice the length and width of my entire body. And he was calmly approaching me with it.

I not so calmly backed away stammering.

"Okay – okay – tell ya what, how about we make a deal- -"

" **Be silent.** "

Beldia dashed using his inhuman speed and the only thing I could do was wince. But instead of a big-ass sword to the gut, a mini shockwave knocked me off my feet. I barely got the words out of my mouth when I fell.

"Darkness?"

"Stay behind me Jack! I can handle him!"

Two knights, one sorta dead and one alive, were clashing their swords in a fierce stalemate right in front of me. It would've been cool to watch if my life wasn't on the line.

"Vile fiend! You struck them down…You will pay for that!"

"They were but metal shells imitating life. What makes you care?"

"If they were alive to my friend, then they were alive to me!"

Did she really mean that?

"And now…never will I taste the sweet punishment they had the potential to dole out!"

Please do not drag my children into your fantasies. Thank you.

Changing tactics, Beldia went all out on the offensive, darkness playing an obvious defensive role. For someone who can't hit the broadside of a barn, she's surprisingly excellent at blocking attacks with her sword.

But then she made the fatal mistake of actually trying to attack herself.

"DIE HOLY KNIGHT!"

It happened so fast. There was the distinct sound of metal cutting through metal. Then came a wet crunch, followed by dripping noises. Darkness wobbled slightly and coughed.

Then she went down.


	8. Finishing the Fight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A war general in service to the Devil King is no joke, and Jack and his posse are figuring that out the hard way. However, one should never underestimate another's will to survive when the going gets tough.

It…it happened so fast. My head was still spinning trying to process it all.

Darkness was doing just fine one minute, blocking Beldia's attacks with superhuman proficiency. But all it took was one opening in her defenses to leave her on the ground, coughing up specks of blood in a growing red puddle.

It was so hard to watch her scramble to retrieve her sword and lean on it like a cane. Worse still, now that her front body was facing me, I had front row seats to the hideous gash going from her right collarbone all the way down to her left hip. My heart sank into my stomach.

But why? Why was I getting so worked over Darkness? It wasn't just the nausea of seeing her armor caked in blood, there was something else to it. Maybe my worry stems from Beldia's show of power; it's obvious now that he's way stronger than a Griffin or Manticore if he can make Darkness bleed _that_. Y-yeah, that has to be it, that's the only logical explanation!

There's nothing more to it…I'm positive…I think.

Amazingly, Darkness took a page out of Theodore Roosevelt's book and stood up in spite of her injury.

"Darkness, PLEASE SURRENDER! Just let me talk to him, I'm sure we can strike a deal- -"

She cut me off, "I am a Crusader! I will not stand down while innocent lives are at stake! My duty is to protect!"

Her damn heroism is only gonna get her killed!

The mortally wounded knight turned to face the approaching headless knight. Although it seemed even that had become difficult for her judging by the way she was breathing funny.

"B-besides…this man...This man _knoooows_ exactly what he is doing~"

…No. No, no, you can't tell me that's why she was breathing funny – you just can't!

Beldia halted his progress towards her when she made that suggestive comment. "What nonsense slips from thine tongue?"

"Oh-ho-ho, don't try and play dumb! You have been assessing my armor and mentally undressing me in the process. So, instead of stripping it all away like a creepy old undead man, you are deliberately choosing which parts to leave intact. You wish to publicly humiliate me by leaving fleeting glimpses of my naked flesh between the cracks of my armor."

Is that what this was about? Did she never believe she was in any real danger!?

The short answer: yes. By some wonder of the universe, this hardcore sub managed to turn her dire situation into something kinky.

Darkness stepped forward to Beldia, who promptly stepped back in response; whether it was out of fear or embarrassment was anybody's guess.

"Fiend! Standing there plotting where your next blow will land…Very well, hit me! Hit me now! MY BODY IS READY!"

"Wha- ? I- ? No, shut up! These people will get the wrong idea about me!"

I remembered being so frustrated in that moment that my toes curled inwards in anger. That meatheaded perv made me think she was dying, but, as it turns out, I was just being a paranoid idiot! And now she's back to her usual shenanigans like nothing ever happened. So yeah, excuse me for being just a little bit fucking salty!

"Would you, for once, please consider the time and place woman!? Now is not the time to get your freak on! Save at night for when the other freaks come out!"

The masochistic flinched at my words. " _Gurk…!_ You consider the time and place yourself, Spicer! It's already taking all my willpower to endure public flogging from this monster, I don't need you throwing insults at me too! Unless…you two are taking turns berating me...? What delicious torment are you and this Dullahan planning!?"

"We're not planning anything!" sputtered Beldia, rightfully so.

"Yeah, what do you take us for? We may be evil, but we at least have standards!"

"Let's go! Create Water!"

Suddenly, a pool of water formed above Darkness and Beldia. The headless knight jumped out of the way while the non-headless one got drenched. I wasn't sure what I tried to accomplish there, but at least his boots were wet...So that shut them up.

"I normally do not mind harassment when I'm not expecting it, but you really do need to consider the time and place for foreplay, Jack~"

Hormones usurped my rational thinking, and I found myself struggling to tell her that that wasn't me. I almost didn't notice Yunyun of all people taking center stage.

"Cursed Lightning!"

Electricity crackled from her fingertips and lashed at the puddle Beldia and Darkness were standing in. Their conducive metal armor combined with the water produced a shocking result, pun and all. The currents of magical electricity surged across their bodies and the twitches intensified. Beldia hollered in pain while Darkness…well, hollered in pleasure.

I probably would've freaked out seeing her like that, but, after that fake scare she gave me, I know better. Of course, I should've known since her recruitment day. If that girl could tank two Explosions, two beasts of legend, and one otherwise fatal wound to the chest while getting excited, she'll be fine.

Yunyun didn't see it that way.

"I'm so sorry Lady Darkness! Please forgive me! I was under pressure and Kazuma pushed me to do it!"

" _Phrasing,_ Yunyun, _phrasing!_ Anyway, I told you to zap him after I splashed him with water so that I could do this: STEEEEEAL!"

The "animation" for the Steal skill played out exactly the same as when Chris first demonstrated it to me. Except, after the flash died down, Satou was left with absolutely nothing to show for in his hand. In fact, he might as well have had his dick in it since that's about all he was caught with.

" _HAH-hah-aaahhh_ …Clever trick, but did you really think a low-leveled adventurer's Steal would be enough to take my blade? I didn't think so. And now, to put an end to this farce."

A random mage from the crowd of adventurers behind me suddenly cried out, "Oh yeah? W-well, just wait until Mitsurugi Kyouya gets here with his Sacred Sword! Then you'll be sorry!"

That got the crowd riled up with cheers of anticipation. I, on the other hand, was sweating major bullets when I heard that.

"Mitten Kenya?" I mumbled to myself. "The do-gooder turned bad whose sword I melted down to make…emotion chips?"

My eyes locked on to the sad ring of cleanly sliced JackBot torsos twenty paces behind Beldia. I then rotated my shaky head to look back at my other two companions over at the gate. They only had concerned shrugs to offer me.

I may or may not have goofed up royally.

The now fried Beldia resumed his casually stride toward the city. "Go ahead. Let your champion come."

Okay, never mind, I DID GOOF UP ROYALLY!

Seeing the murderous Dullahan slowly advancing once more, I gladly took my golden opportunity to run away backwards into the crowd of adventurers. Predictably, it didn't take long for him to get cut off by Darkness trying to, well, cut him off…again…and failing.

"I grow tired of these interruptions!"

Beldia became enraged and unleashed a flurry of sword slashes at her; he was too fast for her to do anything other than tank the blows.

I gotta brainstorm something soon or else that's gonna be me! Okay, so, his head is an obvious weak spot, but how to exploit it? What if I use Bind to tie-up his hands so that he'll drop it? That probably won't work; it seems low-leveled skills are automatically negated by enemies whose Level is higher than the caster. Which would definitely explain why Meatloaf was able to cut through my ropes so easily yesterday.

C'mon, teen genius, there's gotta be another way to distract him!

"Water…"

I looked over to see Satou murmuring to himself.

"What?"

"Water, that might be his weakness. Did you see how quick he was to dodge out of the way of my splash zone? That might be because Create Water's water is blessed by magic, almost like holy water! Undead hate that stuff!"

"I'll ask again: what?"

"Baka – just watch what I do!"

Chanting the Create Water skill out loud again, the weeb blasted a small jet of water directly at Beldia, who was staring down an unconscious Darkness. Like Satou had pointed, the general seemed to have a strong aversion for water as he jumped out of the way before it could touch him.

Beldia was suddenly blasted with water, courtesy of the weeb standing next to me. Like Satou had pointed out, he seemed to literally jump and move out of the way before it could touch him.

"Everyone! Hit him with water spells!"

Green Bean's command went through to all the other mages who spammed Create Water alongside him. It was a warzone for old Beldia, and he was stuck in the middle of no man's land with no cover. The Dullahan hopped all around the field trying so hard to avoid the splashes.

"HEY, what're you – stop this! Stop this at once! Curse you, curse you all!"

I would be taking potshots at him too, but I had no mana left to do any sort of magic. So that just left me to kind of stand there by myself. Much like dodgeball day at gym class.

"Well, at least I'm not the one that's getting gangbanged this time around."

"Hey Jack, I know you're having one of your insane ramblings right now, but why is everyone else having a water fight all of a sudden?"

I turned to face Aqua and shouted, "Does this look like a game to you!? Water is that guy's weakness, and _you_ of all people should be pitching in! Even a useless bum goddess such as yourself must know at least one water move!"

She stomped her foot and retaliated, "How dare you be imprudent with me! I'll have you know that, as a water goddess, I can use flood-class water magic."

"Then what're ya waiting for, an invitation? Do it already!"

"Not so fast. I'm not doing squat for you until you apologize for calling me useless first."

"Fine, I'm sorry for what I said. Now get to work, you glorified watering can!"

"MEANIE! That's even more disrespectful than calling me useless! That tears it; I'll show you exactly what a 'glorified watering can' is capable of…"

A blue angelic cipher circle began spinning under Aqua's toes while as all the water puddles made during the fight swirled around her like a miniature typhoon.

"Oh my followers," she said soft-spoken, "please, your goddess requires your assistance. Send in your prayers and lend me thy power."

Beldia stopped moving when he noticed the goddess charging up at an alarming rate. He took that as his cue to leave, however, before he could book it, Darkness spontaneously woke up and grabbed him by the leg.

" _AHH!_ Let go of me you degenerate!"

"Your words hit like hammers~"

"Don't say it like that!"

I watched on in amusement as Beldia tried with all his might to retreat as fast as he could with a horny knight in tow. Then he trudged through the circle of broken JackBots, only to be just as surprised as I was when they suddenly sparked back to life and latched on to his legs with their mechanical claws! Pretty soon the whole squad was aiding Darkness in holding him down to prevent his escape!

That's my boys: fighting till the bitter end! Even when they're nothing but torsos, they'll continue to carry out my will for world domination…

Why can't everyone be emotional robots?

"Sacred Create Water!"

Cumulonimbus clouds replaced the peaceful white wisps in the sky. Rain trickled the fields in a light shower, but it wouldn't last long. It began to rain cats and dogs, and the wind turned into a harsh wall of moving air.

In the direction Beldia had been attempting to limp away to, much of the water had already accumulated in the hills that a large tsunami formed and rushed inwards. His screams were drowned (in more ways than one) by the waves as they engulfed him. Omi can eat his heart out.

Anyway, I was about to tell Aqua that was enough until I noticed she still had her eyes closed in that little magic trance of hers. And that the flood was also upon us with no signs of stopping.

Megumin, who was standing next to me, held onto my person in a momentary need for security. In that very instance, I activated the HeliBot to shoot us directly up into the overcast sky right before the tip of the tsunami licked our boots.

We both had the right idea to not look down after hearing all the wet, sloshing destruction below us. So the kid and I hovered in the air together until the noises simmered down to a calm drip.

As we made our slow descent back down to whatever was left of the land, the two of us surveyed the damage caused by Aqua.

There were puddles scattered around as far as the Farsight skill would allow me to see. Those who were in the process of picking their wet bodies up were soaking wet, no surprise there. Sadly, this also applied to the remnants of Attack Squad Sigma. If they were semi-functioning before, they weren't anymore now that they're waterlogged. I'm gonna have to gut out their shells and reinstall everything from within. Damnit.

To try and take my mind off the new workload ahead of me, I gawked at what was left of the front gates. Even the first block of the residential zone got hit by Aqua's miniature flood. If I may geek out for a moment here, the whole setup reminded me of the ending of the Invader Zim episode, "The Wettening". Funnily enough, I think I was watching that very episode on the day that I died and got reincarnated.

"By the gods, Jack, look. It's Beldia. He's still standing!"

I thought something smelled like wet undead (which is absolutely RANK). Megumin alerted me to the Devil King general pulling himself out of a large puddle nearby. After his head coughed out a mouthful of water, he weakly yelled at the water goddess responsible – wait, how the Heylin was she dry after all that!?

"You…! What is wrong with you…? Lady, are you insane!?"

What I and many of the other adventurers noticed was a certain Japanese teenager creeping up behind Beldia as he was venting. Once Satou got into range…

"STEAL!"

One eye-straining flash of light later, and Beldia's body stood completely still. Except there was just one small, teensy-weensy little thing missing from his person.

"Wha- I- _oooh nooo._ "

I watched as Satou lifted Beldia's head up to his face and glowered it down with an, admittedly, impressive evil grin. Of course, mine's better, but his was definitely sinister enough to make a decapitated head produce sweat beads through his helmet. This is why being evil has its perks.

But anyway, now that Beldia's head was successfully taken, we've basically already won! So why don't we have some fun with it? I mean, there's never been any harm in running a victory lap.

"Hey guys! Anybody want me to show you how to play soccer?"

I had a better game in mind.

While Satou was distracted, I snuck up behind him and karate chopped the base of his neck, knocking him out and allowing me to scoop up the Dullahan's head.

"Forget soccer! Who's up for a game of b-ball instead?"

"B-ball!?" reiterated the head in horror.

"Yup, it's short for basketball," I explained as I dribbled him, causing his head to yelp with each bounce. "The object of the game is to dribble the ball around and pass it to other players in order to shoot it through a hoop!"

I jokingly passed the head over to a dude wearing a blue jacket. He examined it at first, then proceeded to dribble it as well. Pretty soon, everybody was getting a feel for the game.

Everybody except for Yunyun – who was fretting over her KO'd partner – and this one guy wearing a red jacket. He was too busy shouting random declarations like "My tomatoes are ruined!" and such. I dunno, his problem, not mine.

The rest of the adventurers, however, broke into teams of two with each team trying to pass the "ball" to their respective members.

A girl wearing a green hoodie piped up and asked, "Wait, what can we use for a net?"

Modern problems call for modern solutions.

I hovered 10 ft. in the air and formed a ring with my arms.

"Here, dunk it in my arms!"

The girl dribbled the head and performed a decent hook shot maneuver, slamming it into my "net". Beldia could be heard shouting how he was gonna hurl on the way down. That made me laugh, not evilly or anything, but just out of the sheer hilarity of it all.

"Jack? Do you have a minute?"

I saw Darkness fully recovered and standing next to the motionless body of the Headless Horseman's stepson.

"I know you're having fun right now, but don't you think it's about time we wrap this up?"

"Yeah, yeah, I guess you're right…Aqua, would you care to do the honors?"

Coming from the bowels of Axel, a flower bud staff defied the laws of gravity and flipped through the air. It made it all the way to the shattered outer wall until it was caught by a water goddess' manicured hand. A sparkling pink raiment cloaked itself around her neck and her flower bud opened up, revealing a heavenly light from within.

"It'll be my pleasure, Jack. Sacred Turn Undead!"

A pillar of pure light pierced through the storm clouds and absorbed Beldia's inanimate body. I dropped to the ground and picked up the Dullahan's head. We stared at each other for a bit until I gave him a cheesy grin before saying a one-liner line not even a B-list action movie would bother using.

"Just call me, Air Jack."

One jump shot directly into the light pillar, annnnd…

"I'll see to it that you suffer in- -" The head unceremoniously disintegrated into the light with no further noise. Aqua dispersed her spell at the same time the clouds dispersed, irradiating the mushy land in a godly glow.

I said to myself, "Hmm, it's getting way too bright and cherry for my tastes. Let me try to darken the mood with one of my diabolical laughs of foreshadowing."

However, before I could even gulp in enough air, I suddenly felt completely drained and weak. It was so bad, my body couldn't possibly ignore it any longer and shut down.

In my last few seconds of hazy consciousness, I think I saw three people rush over shouting something at me. Well, at least I was finally going to be getting a full twelve-hour sleep session, so that's what counts, right?

* * *

Once in a blue moon, I'll actually wake up feeling refreshed and ready to start the day. And guess what? The moon must've been blue because other than having a couple of bones pop from sitting up in my haystack, I felt completely rejuvenated. The only thing that was off was my internal clock for obvious reasons; I had no idea what the time or day was.

Seeing as how I fell asleep with my wrist device still strapped on, I booted it up to check the calendar app. And OH BOY did I oversleep big time! It's already well into the next day! Can you say circadian rhythm? 'Cuz I certainly can't!

"Y'know, maybe starving myself of sleep each and every night _isn't_ the best for my long-term health. Then again, evil never rests for anyone. Isn't that right, JackBots?"

No beeps, boops, or bops of affirmation…

"…Homeboys?"

It was only after scanning the stables that I finally noticed the unsubtle pile of scrap metal located right next to the pink elephant. My bots have definitely seen better days, but they've also seen much worse days. At the very least, it looks like they dried off overnight. All I really have to do is replace their innards, weld their torsos back together, and voilà: bad as new!

Standing up, I did my pre-robot-reassembly stretches until I spotted the sticky note stuck onto JB-D3V4574702's helmet lid. I peeled it off and read it aloud.

" 'Good morning, Sleeping Beauty. Did you have a nice dream? Was your #1 favorite goddess in it? I hope so because you were out like a light! Seriously, we did everything we could to get you back up! First we tried splashing water on your face (provided by yours truly), but that didn't work. Then we convinced Darkness to sit on your chest to jolt you awake, but that didn't work either. Even Megumin's LOUD Explosion magic wasn't enough! So we eventually caved and brought you back to the stables to rest. Let this be a reminder to get a good night's sleep, young man! If you need us, we'll be at the guild celebrating. Signed, Aqua.' "

…Did I really sleep through Darkness sitting on me? I…don't know how I feel about that.

"What am I even thinking!? These are Aqua's words! She probably made up most of that garbage just to get a rise out of me! Well what's the point in doing that if you're not around to see my reaction, stupid? Ah whatever, let's just go meet the others at the guild."

Of course, it had to be noon by the time I regained consciousness. And because I used the last of my sunblock yesterday, that meant having to skulk in the shadows to avoid the harmful UV rays. Yup, nobody else in this stinking town has to deal with this annoying problem except for me. Sometimes I hate being the only albino.

Either way, I reached my destination and booked it indoors with as little exposure to the sun as possible. I identified Megumin, a fried frog leg in each hand, racing up to me the second I was in her line of sight.

"Jack, you're awake! Perfect timing too, I need your help with something."

She then gestured over to Darkness chatting with Sedol, Heinz, and Galil over a drink. "Darkness is being super stingy, and she won't let me any alcohol. She says I'm 'not old enough', can you believe that load?"

My blonde-haired teammate came to us with her mug in hand. "I am sorry, but the legal drinking age in this county is fourteen, Megumin. I do not wish you to get in any more trouble with the local guards."

Boy, she has such a way with words~

"Aaaayyee – _Hic_ – it's The Cracker Jacker!"

Unlike certain drunkards.

Aqua haphazardly draped herself over my neck, much to my discomfort. Although my libido may say otherwise, my personal bubble was heavily inclined to disagree. She took a big swig out of her mug and belched.

"Leave it to you to get drunk right before lunchtime…"

As the drunken goddess failed to whistle a jaunty tune, Luna gathered everyone's attention by clapping her hands.

"I have an important announcement to make. Due to the events of yesterday, the Axel Town Adventurer's Guild has reserved a special reward for both Satou Kazuma and Jack Spicer's party."

That certainly got _my_ attention! Before I could get the busty receptionist to spill the beans, a vaguely familiar gruff voice spooked the living daylights outta me.

"Who would've thought you lot could take down a leader of the Devil King's army. That's quite the impressive feat."

It was the buzz cut mohawk guy giving us a thumbs up from within a dimly lit corner of the room.

"I believed in the radiance inside of you guys from the very start."

"The radiance inside?"

"Yup. 'A light to shine on the gates of Hell'…At least, that's what the legends used to say."

Before I could ponder what he meant by that, a random adventurer a couple tables away singled me and Satou out.

"He's right! If it weren't for them lads, we'd never would've beaten that Dullahan! Three cheers for Jack and Kazuma's parties!"

That got everybody in the building to go wild real fast. By sheer happenstance, my team and I managed to kill off a high-ranking official in the Devil King's army, and now we were being praised for it. This had me rather conflicted.

On the optimistic side of things, it honestly felt pretty damn amazing to get recognition for my hard work. I still remember how I got sidelined on my arrival in this world. Back then, Aqua was the talk of the town, and I was chopped liver. But now I was finally getting praise from outside sources. These weren't robots or monkeys cheering for me, these were real people appreciating my talents.

But with that said, this was not the kind of admiration I wanted AT ALL! In fact, it was the exact _opposite_ of what I expected to happen! I wanted to be feared as a dangerous rouge hellbent on crippling the Devil King's army for my own nefarious gain, not loved as some lame-ass do-gooder! I'd rather Satou be seen as the hero and me as just some guy who participated. I've got a reputation to keep!

Sadly, my cries of protest couldn't get through to these cheering idiots. So now what, does this mean I'm going to be seen as a small-town hero from here on out? Fuck me, it's always one step forward and two-hundred steps back. This is all your fault, Eris!

Luna blew a sharp whistle with her fingers and immediately got everyone to shut up. She smiled and said, "For the contributions of both parties, we here at the Adventurer's Guild are offering a complimentary reward of 300,000,000 eris each!"

Forget what I said about Eris – she and her money rocks!

"OH, OH! Since it was my magic that killed him, most of the proceeds should go to me!"

"Talk of money sobered you up real quick, didn't it? Also – SNOWBALL'S CHANCE IN HELL!"

After Satou and Yunyun were given their reward, Luna came to me to hand over our respective paycheck. It may not be much compared to what I normally get as a monthly allowance, but the equivalent of ¥300,000,000 wasn't too shabby- -

"Uh, Luna? I think there was a mix-up in upper management. You gave me a bill for 305,000,000 eris in damages."

Luna began wringing her hands. Not exactly reassuring body language from what I gathered.

"I'm truly sorry. You see, the flood Aqua summoned did do a substantial amount of property damage…However, defeating a Devil King commander is an incredibly big deal, so I won't ask that you pay back in full. Just a small portion is all."

Oh, just a small portion you say? Alright then, I can part with 10 eris. That is a small portion by definition.

But before I could have a say in the matter, a hearty slap on my left shoulder made me jump. I craned my neck to see Darkness standing behind me. Her face could be best described as disappointed yet hopeful if that makes any sense.

"Well, we do have 5 million eris on top of our 300 million eris reward. I think it's only right if we back the debt in full."

Dark, baby, no. Please don't do this to me.

"O-oh!" squeaked Luna, "How selfless! Thank you so much! You don't know it, but you've just saved me from an ungodly amount of paperwork tonight."

Our 300 mil _and_ my personal 5 mil!? There's no way the others are on board with this- -

"ALAS! Our reward 'twas no meant to be," sighed a melodramatic Aqua before speaking normally. "I suppose it is the right thing to do. But I call dibs on our next quest! I'll make sure it has the highest bounty possible so we can make back our profit!"

"It seems our bloody journey of magic is only getting started!" added Megumin excitedly. "Let's make this next quest an explosive one!"

Crap, three against one. Now we have to file for bankruptcy all because of something that blue bitch did. That's it, I'm done.

"Hmm? Jack, is something wrong?"

I wasn't listening. I stormed outside the guild and plopped myself down on the first step. I had this thing planned out in my head where I was gonna march all the down the stairs and mope on the last step, but there was more shade near the front doors. The sun just can't let me throw my pity party the way I want it, can it?

Speaking of which, someone came out to sit next to me, completely ruining the "being alone" part of the deal.

"Go away Megumin…"

"What's your problem, huh!? You just walked out on us and didn't say a word! No one likes a guy with a stick up his ass, you know."

"Yeah? Well I don't want people to like me, I want people to FEAR me! As a legitimate THREAT! Ever since I came to this world, I have done everything to make it abundantly clear that I am _not_ a good person; that I am an evil teen genius who shouldn't be taken lightly. And then this shit goes and happens! But hey, that's just been the story of my life, so why bother trying to rewrite the manuscript now, eh!?"

I huffed and slouched even further, sticking my chin into my folded arms.

"...Nobody gets me, that's the problem. You say you want to rule the world with a burning passion, and then they laugh at you, because they think you're joking. And that you, yourself, are a joke. If I can't do something as simple as convey that I'm a jerk...well then where's my worth…?"

I felt a small hand tap me on the shoulder. Reluctantly, I looked over at Megumin. Her body was turned toward me, and not since discussing Explosions has she ever looked more serious in her life.

"Don't you dare say that about yourself. You do have worth, and I know you're smart enough to already know that. Who cares what others think of you? Screw them! You know who you are and that's all that matters in the end. Never let the opinions of others bring you down, or you'll never get anywhere in life."

The Crimson Demon's tight-lipped mouth became a cheeky, lopsided smirk. "Plus, if it's any consolation, _I_ think you can be a jerk."

I blinked. Barely able to contain my hopeful excitement, I smirked right back at her. "Is that so?"

"Oooh yeah, you can be a real ass when you want to. Like walking out on your own party for instance."

"Or all those times I called Aqua an idiot."

"Or when you snuck a thumbtack in Kazuma's seat!"

"And let's not forget how I totally stole his thunder yesterday! Did you see me out there? I was all, 'HI-YA!' And he was all, 'I'm out.' I didn't even know I had it in me!"

"Me neither!"

We laughed on the steps of the guild for a good while before eventually keeping it down to only a few chuckles. Our sides were sore, but we had fun doing it.

"Hey, Jack? If you're feeling up for it, you wanna come with me on my next Explosion run? I thought we could blow up the rest of Beldia's castle as a way to stick it to his ghost. Thought that might help you unwind after that big fight."

"…I think I'm down for an Explosion palooza."

"Sweet. Anyway, we should probably head back inside. I kind of already promised Aqua and Darkness I'd bring you back in."

"I'd make a sarcastic remark, but honestly, my butt hurts from sitting on these steps for so long. Let's bail."

Megumin and I sat up and got our aching keisters indoors. And as I tried in vain to soothe my rear end, I thought about all the times I was huge jerk to someone. The kid was right, I really shouldn't be all that concerned about what others think of me (unless they're evil bigwigs of course). I know that I'm a bad person deep down, and that's the end of the discussion. It really goes to show how frighteningly intelligent Megumin can be.

The masses can think I'm a hero all they'd like. I'll prove them wrong sooner or later, oh-ho-ho just you wait…

* * *

"Hey, um, guys? Can you wait up for a second?"

It was late into the evening and the sun was about to give welcome to the moon. Jack had already went home a while ago to "fix his babies" as he so strangely put it. I assume he was referring to those metal golems he made. I should ask if I can watch him build some, they're really cool. Not Explosion magic cool, but still.

We were out on the street, reaching the fork in the road that would lead us to our separate routes. Aqua's path would take her to the stables with Jack, Darkness' would direct her to the hotel she was booking at, and mine would take me outside the town walls to my makeshift campsite. It wasn't much, but neither was back home at the village.

However, before we parted for the night, I had something I needed to get off my chest.

Aqua stopped herself from progressing any further and twirled around with her hands behind her back. "What's on your mind, Megumin?"

Darkness halted as well and asked, "Are you still out of it from your daily Explosion? I can carry you back to your tent if you need- -"

"No, no, that's okay. I can walk just fine, thank you. It's just that…well…"

The two party members who I've come to know as my friends waited patiently for me to spit it out. They seemed to be curious in what I had to say.

So I said it: "What if Jack means what he says?"

They now seemed confused instead of curious. I don't necessarily blame them.

All Darkness could say was, "Pardon?"

"What I'm trying to say is, what if Jack is serious about wanting to rule the world? It's stupid, I know, but I can't shake this lingering doubt that there's some truth in what he says. When I went to console him, he vented about how he was frustrated that nobody viewed him as a villain on the rise. And he sounded…so sincere."

It was hard to look them in the eyes when I told them that. I admit that the whole thing sounds absurd, but I can't help but be a little worried about it. Jack may be a douche at times, but he's shown that he has a soft side. The dude doesn't realize that he wears his heart on his sleeve like I do. He's very much capable of being an honest-to-god good person.

And to hear him be so willing and eager to throw all that potential away is…well, kind of scary. What if our leader really is deadest on conquering our world?

Aqua spoke, "Oh relax, girl! It's just Jack being Jack! Remember when I gave you that crash course on the art of chuunibyou? Well, that's exactly what he is: a shut-in chuuni. Your entire culture is built upon that lifestyle, so you of all people should be able to recognize it even if you can't explain it."

I mean…Yeah, she does make a strong point there. I almost mistook him as a long lost member of the clan when we first met.

Darkness added to Aqua's rebuttal by saying, "Right, and correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't you admit that you also wanted to usurp the Devil King as well?"

"Well, yeah, but I was eight years old and didn't know better."

"True. However, it's quite possible that Jack simply hasn't grown out of that particular phase yet. He is still a teenager after all, he's at the age of self-discovery. Why, I wouldn't be surprised if he one day he dropped his ambition of wanting to become a heartless dictator without mercy…although a little part of me would die inside…"

"So you see? There was nothing to worry about," said Aqua confidently. "All the big baby needs is more sleep and he'll be fine. Come to think of it, you should probably get some rest too if that's what you were fretting over."

My friends are right, I was worrying over nothing. Maybe not getting the chance to unleash a glorious Explosion on a general of the Devil King's Army affected me; made me doubt myself a little. Oh well, there are still seven generals left out there somewhere, I'll collect my due eventually.

"Yeah, you're right, sleep is probably just the thing we all need right now. Goodnight Aqua, goodnight Darkness. I'll see all in the morning."

We bid each other goodnight and traveled down our respective paths. And as I gazed upwards into the first star of the night, I reflected on my previous doubts regarding our eccentric leader, now giggling at my bold stretch of a claim.

"Heh, Jack, _evil._ How ridiculous."


	9. Intermission: Clay Bailey

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When an isekai protagonist (or in Jack's case, antagonist) gets sent to another world, you ever wonder what happens to the world they left behind? How do their friends and enemies react to them suddenly dropping off the face of the Earth? Let's find out...

Back in Texas, breakfast was somethin' everybody in the Bailey household always looked forward to. And even though I was attending monk school overseas, this morning would be no different considering it was my turn to cook.

Today I felt like whippin' up some of Daddy's homemade garbage eggs: stuffed with bacon, sausages, ham, and cheese courtesy of Old Bessie. I should really write that thank you letter to him for importing her cheese all the way over to China. Must've taken a lotta stamps to ship that darn crate.

Growin' up on a ranch, I was usually the first one up (with Omi and Master Fung being the exceptions), so I took all the time I needed to get the eggs just right. Our fearless leader was often the last slowpoke to drag himself outta bed, but I imagine the smell of breakfast will be enough motivation for him. If not, well, I'll just have to hogtie him again!

Sure enough, by the time I got done settin' the table, the rodeo came stampeding in. Omi was considerate enough to pull out a chair for Kimiko while Raimundo sat down next to her. I swear, those two were closer than lovebugs on Valentine's Day. Not that I'm tryin' to start nothin', so long as they're happy together, I'm happy.

Like always, we waited for Master Fung and Dojo to take a seat at the table before we could all start chowin' down. The little dragon was more than eager to get a plateful, but Master Fung stuck with his usual cup of green tea instead. I don't think I'll ever understand what makes that man tick: who can resist a steamin' pile of Bailey Garbage Eggs?

"Clay, your artery-clogging American meals have seduced me yet again," burped Dojo. I knew I could count on our dragon pardner to leave a glowing review.

Kimiko added, "I know, right? I'll be honest, I never took our lovable boulder as an unrecognized cook. You could seriously make a name for yourself in the cuisine world, Clay!"

"Aw shucks! You fellers are gonna make me blush now…"

"It's the truth, ain't it?" said Rai, perfectly flipping a loose piece of bacon into his mouth. "If it can get me out of bed at the crack of dawn, then you know it's good!"

Omi took his laid-back comment as a chance to lightly scold him. "Raimundo, while you may be our new leader, you must learn to hone your awakening skills just like the rest of us. A true Shoku Warrior must be ready to take on the day every day! After all, the yearly bird gets the worm."

" _Early_ bird, Omi. But I'll admit, you're getting a little better at modernizing your dialect."

"Seeee~? Told you those English lessons were helping~" sang Kimiko, pokin' her boyfriend in the side like she were markin' him with a branding iron.

"Hey – I've been trying to teach the little dude slang for three whole years! So how come you can do it in only three weeks?"

"Simple: patience."

Rai sighed, "Yeah, I suppose I gotta work on that now that I have more responsibility. I can't afford to be impulsive anymore now that I'm you guys' leader."

"I have complete faith in your ability to conduct yourself, Raimundo," Master Fung said. "I would not have chosen you to lead the monks if I had my doubts. Patience is a bitter plant, but its fruit is sweet."

"Yeah, and when it comes to deciphering Master Fung's proverbs, you need to have the patience of a saint, let me tell ya," commented Dojo after takin' a sip of his coffee. Though Master Fung gave him a stink eye stinker than a roadkill skunk on sizzlin' asphalt.

"…M-more herbal leaves for your tea? _Heh…heh…_ "

"I am good, Dojo. Thank you for asking."

After that dangerous exchange passed on by, Master Fung stood up from his seat cushion and folded his arms inside his robes' sleeves. I reckon he's got somethin' mighty important to say to us.

"Young monks, you have all made exemplary progress harnessing your inner Xiaolin Dragon. It seems only yesterday you ascended from humble Dragons-in-training to proud Wudai Warriors plus one Shoku Warrior. Normally, it takes students at least ten years to be where you are now, but you have excelled in less than three. Which is why I believe the time is right for you to advance to the next step of enlightenment."

Master Fung stared into our souls before carrying on with his speech. "Omi, Kimiko, Clay, you are now ready to begin your Shoku Warrior training. Raimundo will offer his assistance."

Well I'll be durned! Me and my friends, Shoku Warriors! This day could not have started off any better!

Just then, our little hoedown was cut short by the sound of a…Now hold on – was that a _doorbell?_ Did I hear that right?

Everyone eyed each other confusedly. Looks like it wasn't just in my head after all.

"Since when did we get a doorbell installed?" asked Kimiko. An awkward cough turned all our attention to a certain green reptile scratchin' the back of his scales.

"Uh, yeah, about that…I may have hired somebody to come in and install a doorbell last week. Figured some home improvement couldn't hurt anybody, right?"

…

"Oh come on, people! This temple's been around since the Northern Wei Dynasty! I think it's safe to say it's way past a renovation or two. Besides, if you're not gonna let me install a security system for the Shen Gong Wu vault, then just let me have this one! Please?"

Master Fung sipped his tea before responding, "In that case, you wouldn't mind answering it, would you, _Kanjo Cho?_ "

"Oh boy…using last names, are we? Looks like I'm on thin ice. Alright, I'll go and greet our mystery visitor."

Dojo slithered away into the halls, leavin' us to wonder who in tarnation that could be at our front door.

"Y'all don't think it's a ruse, do you?"

"How many bad guys have you met that use a doorbell before breaking in?" reasoned Kimiko.

"Most illogical, indeed," added Omi. "It is not like the forces of evil to politely alert their presence and wait to be invited in."

"Yeah, it's probably just some annoying door-to-door salesman trying to sell us something," snorted Rai. "My family had to put up with them all the time back in Rio."

Before I could remind him that we were situated up in the mountains far away from any city, Dojo came rushin' back in and outta breath. The feller was only gone for a minute and yet he looked about as worn out as my Daddy's old lasso rope.

"Guys…you might…wanna come…see this."

I asked, "Why? Who's at the door?"

"Trust me, it'd be easier if I just showed you."

Huh. Well, no sense in sittin' around doin' nothin'. Master Fung and the rest of us got up and followed the worry wort over to the front entrance.

As we stepped out into the crisp, cool morning air, we could see plain as day that our surprise guest was none other than- -

"YesBot!?" x4

That no-good brown-noser of a robot built by that varmint, Jack Spicer! It wasn't a fighting machine, so we never saw too much of it in battle, but whenever we did, you better believe it was always tryin' to suck up to that dirty outlaw!

Although, somethin' was mighty off 'bout this here machine: its eyebrows were furrowing somethin' fierce, which made the smile painted on its face look incredibly forced. Not only that, but there also appeared to be dried oil stains under its eyes, givin' it the impression it had been cryin' for a good spell.

Now, I ain't tech savvy like Kimiko, but I'm pretty sure robots don't cry, do they?

" _Ahem,_ um…Greetings, Xiaolin Monks. It, it sure is a **stupendous** day out today, isn't it? Hah-hah…haaaah…"

For an otherwise cheery tin can, it sure didn't sound like its heart was in it.

"Alright – enough small talk you mechanical British fop, what are you doing here?" Raimundo interrogated.

"Don't tell me Jack's so desperate to win that he's actually sending his personal yes-man to fight," joked Kim. "Because that would be a record-breaking low, even for someone like him!"

Her boyfriend quipped along with her, "Yeah! After how hard I whupped him in the last Showdown, I'll bet his butt is still in a sling!"

Omi couldn't keep himself composed any longer and laughed with the couple horsin' around. " _Oh-ho-ho-hooo!_ Most amusing, as well as shameful! A humiliating defeat like that would surely put his rear end in the infirmary! Spicer must simply be beside himself with embarrassment! Ahhh, but such is the way of the Heylin: to be trounced by the forces of- -"

The little guy was cut off by three simple words that carried a punch to the gut in all of us.

"Jack is dead."

Suddenly, the morning air went from cool to frigid in a snap. I and many others felt a shiver go down our spines after hearing those three damning words. When the silence grew to be intolerable, I had to get something extremely important cleared up right away.

"We…we didn't rough him up _that bad,_ n-now did we?"

Just suggesting that was enough to make breakfast jump in my stomach. But I managed to keep it down.

YesBot's response was uncharacteristically cold and blunt, "You weren't responsible for his death if that's what you're thinking. After he came home from his defeat in South America, Jack had to leave again for a supply run. Then, at 10:13 A.M. Hong Kong Time, the bots and I all received an automatic distress call from his wrist communicator. His…his vital signs had…flatlined…"

Omi and Kim both gasped while Rai put a hand to his head. Dojo's tail drooped low to the ground and Master Fung was unreadable as always. I took my hat off and held on for dear life. There was no way Jack could be dead, we just saw the kid yesterday for God's sake!

YesBot pulled a handkerchief out of some compartment and wiped away a few drops of oil leakin' from his eyes. It was already stained before he used it.

"W-we sent a CameraBot to investigate," he continued, sounding more heartbroken than bitter. "And sure enough, they were loading what was left of him in a body bag and carted him away in an ambulance. Check any major news outlet if you want, it's all their discussing right now."

Before I could so much as blink, Kimiko was already playing a live video on her electronic device and had it up to full blast. We all craned our necks in just to see the news anchor on the small screen confirm the worst for us.

" _\- -as enigmatic inheritor to Spicer Industries, John Edward Spicer, was confirmed deceased by paramedics in Victoria Harbour, Hong Kong. Eyewitness testimonies have unanimously agreed that the cause of death was by a speeding, hijacked truck in the local shopping district. One eyewitness, who wishes to remain anonymous, claimed that they would've been the victim of the hit-and-run had it not been for the young man pushing them out of harm's way. Police investigations of the hijacker are still ongoing."_

"Meu Deus…"

Kimiko muted the video once Raimundo started muttering to himself in Portuguese.

So it was true. Jack really was dead. Got hit by a truck savin' an innocent's life. I, I never would've imagined it. I mean, I had my doubts 'bout him bein' "evil incarnate" and all that, but still, I didn't think that's how'd he go. And still so young too – good Lord, how old was he now? Sixteen!? Too young…

"I haven't worked up the nerve to contact his parents yet," the machine chocked, "but it's likely they know now that his passing has gone international. And the JackBots, oh, the JackBots are all at a loss – it's chaos back at the base! I can keep them somewhat organized with my admin protocols, but it's still not enough! Without our master, our _Jack,_ the Spicer Federation is nothing more than a leaderless faction...Or, as Clay would put it, 'a chicken with its head cut off'."

It was then that Master Fung finally spoke up in what felt like years. "YesBot, was it?"

"…Yes."

"You and your companions are more than welcome to stay at the temple if need be."

Under normal circumstances, that would've been the worst news we'd ever heard. But we've already heard even worse, and after unknowingly makin' fun of a dead man, the others didn't object.

"W-well, I…Thank you, sir, but that won't be necessary. We'll likely continue to stay at Spicer Mansion until…Well, I really don't know, but still, thank you for the offer."

"You're still welcome to visit," Dojo suggested.

"Yes, and I'll probably hold you up on that. Honestly, I didn't know who else to turn to after word of the incident spread throughout the base. I figured, as the only people who displayed some level of basic social interaction with Jack, you would be the best candidates. Enemy status notwithstanding of course."

Ouch.

"Anyway, I should hurry back home now. There's been a recent anomaly detected in the base's servers; some backup files have vanished and I'm having trouble tracing the source of the hacker. I need to make sure our security system isn't compromised."

"Of course," Master Fung said calmly, "and once again, my deepest condolences. Young monks, training sessions are cancelled until further notice. If you ever need to talk to me in private, please do not hesitate to come visit me in my meditation chambers. Come along now, Dojo.

The little dragon coiled around Master Fung's arm like a snake and the two of them strode back inside. YesBot said a few more stilted goodbyes before flyin' away into the mountains, but none of us paid any attention to the specifics.

I can't recall how long I was standin' there under that there archway, but by the time I came to my senses, it was just me and Omi left outside. Kim and Rai must've gone back in at some point.

Omi. Poor feller. He may be the most experienced monk in this side of China, but he's still just a kid. Plus, he was the only one of us who had any real faith in Jack changing for the better. Well, all I can say is at least he did one decent thing in his life before it was tragically cut short. And I'd be a lyin' son of a gun if I said I didn't have a shred of respect for him as a result.

"Hey, c'mon, Omi. Let's head back in, huh?"

Slowly, the little one turned his head toward me and nodded silently. I can tell how much this is affecting him already.

I let Omi go in first, but just before I set foot in the temple myself, I heard the nasty caw of a crow comin' from behind me, and somethin' 'bout didn't sound natural. I looked back just in time to see it fly off into the distance, cawing like a mad beast.

Sounds like word is spreading through the grapevine faster than we thought.


	10. Liches be Bitchin'

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Word on the street is there's a necromancer conducting black magic in the cemeteries at night, disturbing the restless spirits and spooking Axel's residents...
> 
> Sounds profitable enough for Jack and the gang, so why not? Challenge accepted!

The things I do for world domination…

Here I am, a strapping young villain in his prime, sitting up against a rusty cemetery gate at dick o'clock in the morning waiting for a washed-up goddess to finish her "pre-exorcism stretches". Yeah, apparently Aqua's become self-conscious about her Turn Undead skills after our recent boss fight with Beldia. So, she started a training regimen for herself where she needs to limber up before going toe-to-toe with any and all undead.

It's stupid, I know, and now she's forcing us to wait on her while she does it. Even tried to rope me into her little training montage, but I was having none of that. I'd rather sit in defiance.

Megumin and Darkness didn't seem to mind, though. If anything, they seemed intrigued with her new workout and were carefully studying her technique. I, however, didn't give a flying french fry. I just wanted to get this quest over with so I could go to bed for once. But before I go any further, lemme hit the rewind button and explain how we even got here. Context is important after all.

It started earlier today at the guild. My evil army and I were inspecting the quest board for something that was reasonable yet profitable. Since my team willingly gave away our entire fortune to pay back the town for property damage (I still cry at the memory), we were flat broke. And because we need to eat and make our landlord happy, we had to get serious with picking out a quest that pays in fat stacks.

Money: the root of all evil, and my best friend/worst enemy.

Aqua had called dibs on the next quest even though I tried to drill it through that thick skull of hers that she already got to pick the last quest and that it nearly scarred us. We argued and, to make a long and embarrassing story short, she won the right to pick another quest for a second time in a row. So unfair!

Anyway, I was mostly worried she was gonna pick something just as brutal as the Manticore-Griffin kill quest, but thankfully she didn't. Instead, she choose a flyer that requested a party with at least one Archpriest to exorcise a possible necromancer at a low-income cemetery outside of Axel. The cemetery was supposedly a hotspot for… _ugh,_ ghost sightings…

Having spent three, long, excruciating years living with a ghost myself, I was not looking forward to this quest. But the pay was decent and Aqua, for all her stupidity, was an Archpriest, so we accepted the job.

While Luna was stamping away some papers for us, I got a number of adventurers come pat me on the back, saying how "noble" I was along with a bunch of other hero pep talk I didn't want. I'd much prefer it if nobody acknowledged my surface-level good deeds, they were purely a means to an end. It's not like I was doing any of this Samaritan work for fun. What am I to these losers, the Make-A-Wish Foundation? I'd rather take everybody's wishes.

So we waited till nightfall to head out to the neglected cemetery, and now that you're all officially caught up, you can see now why I'm in a sour mood. And because I'm in a sour mood, I'm gonna make sure Aqua knows it so she can HURRY THE HELL UP!

"Oh my god – wrap it up, Richard Simmons! My back hurts and I wanna go home!"

"Oh, quit your whining, _Jack Whiner!_ " Aqua bit back, her calisthenics showing no signs of stopping. "I told you, I need to loosen my muscles before we go in there. I refuse to be shown up by anymore undead freaks from this moment forward. Besides, it's not my fault if your back hurts; you shouldn't be leaning it on those bars."

"Hey, there was nothing else around to lean on. So my back hurting is technically on you."

Megumin and Darkness decided now would be the perfect time to throw in their own remarks I didn't ask for.

"Y'know, if you need to sit down from doing nothing but standing, that kinda says something about what shape you're in, Jack..."

"She's right, it sounds like you don't work out nearly enough. Mayhap it would benefit your physical health if were to join Aqua in her exercise?"

"Hard pass."

"That's our leader for ya: a lazy, entitled, shut-in gamer nerd," Aqua said coldly. It was in that moment that a mischievous grin formed on her face, one that usually forms whenever she's about to tease me.

Aqua turned around so that her back was facing me and then she reached down for her toes – !

Her miniskirt, which already didn't leave much to the imagination, dangerously rode up her backside as she practically exposed herself right then and there! In a flustered flash of reflexes, I averted my gaze and shielded my peripheral vision with one hand. If man were to stare directly into the perfect ass of a goddess, I fear it would trigger the same madness invoked when gazing at the true form of Cthulhu.

"Or maybe he's only pretending to be lazy so he can enjoy the show I've been giving him. Am I right on the money, you naughty perv you~?"

"You call me a perv yet you're the one who's mooning me!"

"C'mon, Aqua, quit trying to get a rise out of him! We can all see he's clearly upset with you flashing him, so put your butt away!"

Bless Megumin for putting her foot down and coming to my aid.

"Please, listen to Megumin and do not degrade yourself for this man! For it is my own slutty body he has his lecherous eyes set upon when he thinks no one is watching!"

Darkness knows I've been rubbernecking!? I thought I was being stealthy about it! I mean, she never gave a reaction during those times I checked her out, so I assumed I was in the clear! It also doesn't help that her armor was in the smithy today, which left her wearing a tight, black tank top with a matching skirt and leggings. I tried to keep my eyes from wandering, I swear, officer!

Wait, what am I saying? She's eighteen, I have nothing to be scared of. Well, that is except for Megumin and Aqua currently gazing down at me with disappointed contempt (as if I didn't get enough of that back home).

"Is this true, _Ghoul Boy?_ " they both said in freaky unison.

Far too embarrassed to get my words out, I resigned to just sighing in defeat, standing up with my head down so they couldn't see my burning face.

"…can we…?"

"What was that?" harshly interrogated Megumin. "You're gonna have to speak up, mister."

"CAN WE PLEASE JUST GO!? Look, I don't know about you, but I just wanna get this over with, okay…?"

I had to double dog dare myself to look up at the royally pissed off women. Megumin's glare softened and she let out a tired sigh, muttering something about how it was, "only natural". Aqua's glare didn't really lose its edge, but it's Aqua, I can learn to deal with it. As for the one who started this mess, her eyes were looking in every direction except mine while she covered her mouth with her hand.

Did she regret blurting my secret out like that? I don't know, and I don't care as I only wanted to finish this quest so I can go home and sleep in my bots' stables away from all human contact.

Eventually, Aqua dropped her glare and went into a more neutral expression. Idly swinging her arms by her sides, she said, "Well, I think I'm all limbered up by now. So, yeah, let's get this done and over with."

Smartest thing she's ever said.

Without making a big deal about it, I opened the squeaky gates and led my team into the bowels of the cemetery. Everything about this place just screamed horror movie set: you got your dead oak trees, dilapidated gravestones, leaves that moved with the wind, and the full moon being the metaphorical cherry on top. It almost makes wish I had CameraBots to take some B-roll footage, the atmosphere was too perfect not to record. Oh well, maybe next time if I'm free and I want to direct a short horror film.

Heh, horror films…I have something of a love/hate relationship with them. Since I was on my own for like ninety percent of my childhood, no one was around to stop me from digging through my parents' stash of R-rated movies. Mom and Dad must've been into some fucked up shit behind closed doors, because there was like a ton of depraved stuff they kept hidden in there: psychological thrillers, "found" footage, slashers, and gore fests galore! Yet, I still can't say if watching them back to back was my best decision ever or worst mistake yet. Sure, it did inspire me to try my hand out at film-making, but, in hindsight, I'm pretty sure it also skyrocketed my general anxiety.

Although, ironically, I wasn't feeling overly paranoid tonight, even though I was currently walking through a literal graveyard. Probably has something to do with the fact that the only thing we need to watch out for is an old fart summoning vengeful spirits, and I've already explained why those don't scare me anymore.

Unfortunately, I had to explain it to the girls when Aqua bluntly asked, "Hey Jack, we're in a haunted old cemetery at night, so how come you're not wetting yourself in fear like usual?"

Without stopping or looking back, I sighed a half-assed response. "Let's just say I've hung out with a ghost before and they're not all they're cracked up to be. They're more naggy than they are scary."

I thought that would be the end of it, but no, of course it wasn't. A strong grip on my shoulder forced me to stop walking and look behind. Surprisingly, it wasn't Darkness like I originally thought, but rather Aqua who looked even more serious than she did three minutes ago.

"Jack…Did I hear you say you've hung out with a _ghost_ before?" she questioned, slowly and meticulously, making sure I didn't miss a beat.

I don't think I like serious Aqua…Go back to the stupid, fun-loving Aqua!

"I, er, uhm- -"

"Did you, or did you not, say you've lived with a departed spirit before? Yes or no?"

"…Y-yes?"

Now I knew why the Greeks were so fearful of gods; they can be really intimidating when they want to be. I had no idea what to except coming next.

Well, what came next was rather anticlimactic given that random bout of tense buildup forced onto me. Aqua let go of my shoulder and pointed an accusing finger in my face, and while she still seemed crossed with me, her threatening aura had pretty much vanished once she got the answer she wanted. Now for some reason she came off more as a kid trying their hardest to be stern, but failing adorably at it.

"I knew it! Ever since we first met, you've always had this musk of malevolent undead lingering on you. It's faint, but my sharp goddess nose was just barely able to pick up on it. I never mentioned it because I couldn't tell if that was supposed to be normal teen body odor, but now I have proof!"

Between this and sniffing out exact change, I'm starting to wonder if this girl is secretly part dog. It'd be fitting considering she can be a bitch sometimes.

Also, I've been carrying Wuya's ghost B.O. for three solid years? And I was none the wiser!? Rank! I'm gonna need to bathe in holy water after this.

"So why were you all buddy-buddy with a smelly evil spirit, huh? Got some skeletons you're trying to hide or what?" questioned the suspicious goddess, hands locked onto her hips to assert authority. Or lack thereof.

"Now, now, let us not jump to any hasty conclusions here," said Darkness trying to de-escalate the situation. "There has to be a reasonable explanation for this. We know Jack has unique habit of exaggerating for comedic effect, so perhaps what he is trying to say is that he was the unwilling victim of a haunting."

"Was your old home actually haunted by restless souls with unfinished business?" Megumin asked worriedly.

"I never planned, nor was I willing, to have a specter stink up my lair, that I can confirm. But it was more of a partnership than a haunting. We used to hatch evil schemes together until she somehow revived herself. Then she kinda bailed on me. But I say good riddance! She took all the fun out of world conquest."

Megumin, as well as the others, looked at me weirdly for a bit. Suddenly, her crimson eyes flashed red as she seemingly realized something before giving me an understanding smile.

"Ah, right, of course! Should've known it was all connected to taking over the world. My bad for thinking you were being haunted!"

Darkness and Aqua soon followed up on Megumin with similar remarks on their own.

"Feel free to reprimand me harshly for making such bold assumptions, future supreme ruler. Oohh please, I INSIST~!"

"I guess super evil geniuses and stinky evil spirits can find some common ground to work together. Isn't that right, Jack-Jack?"

I know they're faking it. It's likely they still think I was the victim of a haunting. In some ways, that is true, but it's the evil precedent that matters most here! They're just giving me empty compliments because they think I'm stupid enough to buy it.

Well you know what…I am gonna buy it! _Not_ because I'm stupid, but because for once – for once in my life – I want to believe that they believe. I've already made my first steps to usurp the Devil King, so I'm going to treat myself tonight, damnit!

With my eyes closed and my head held high, I resumed the march forward, pretending that they weren't pretending.

"That's right, Aqua. The dark side is all about self-expression, and while it's usually a free-for-all, there's always room for cooperation. Evil tends to work in mysterious ways. Which is why we're gonna work together to take down this necromancer. Then, the rest of the Devil King's generals. Then, the big cheese himself. After that, the world is our oyster, baby! Nothing can stop Jack Spicer- -!"

In that moment, I felt something I never wanted to feel ever again so long as I could help it. Something that was worse than stubbing your toe. Worse than getting a creepy computer virus. Worse than choking back the suffocating sensation of anxiety clawing her way out of your throat like a rabid animal until you feel you can't hold it back any longer…

And that was walking into a spider web you couldn't see.

I justifiably shrieked as I did my best to tear off the invisible strings stuck to my face. But of course that wasn't enough – it never is! I had to be extra sure there were no eight-legged **fuckers** on my person before I could begin to feel safe, and even _then_ I won't be spared from the after-willies!

So, I clumsily unlatched the strap for the HeliBot and threw off my trench coat, beating it against the ground senselessly as though I were cracking a whip. Hopefully it would be enough to shake off any lose strands of web that got on it, but I'll have to soak in water later just in case. No, scratch that, I'll take it with me in my holy water bath tonight. The blessed liquid should be enough to cleanse both me and my favorite coat at the same time. Brilliant, Jack!

Eventually, I stopped to take a breather, and, for a moment, I forgot I had company. I glanced at the girls. None of them looked like they knew what to make of my little freak-out back there.

"Jeez, and you tell me my screams are loud? I'm pretty sure there are dogs going ballistic on the other side of the kingdom thanks to you," snarked Aqua.

"Do we even want to know what that was about?" asked Megumin, rhetorically. But I was still upset, so I answered anyway.

"I ran into a spider web, okay!? I can't help it if I have arachnophobia."

The Archwizard raised her hands in mock surrender, the universal gesture of dropping a subject. As I dusted the dirt (and potential webs or spiders still remaining) off my coat, I heard Darkness ask me something which threw me for a loop.

"Say, Jack, what's that queer design on your shirt? I don't know why, but…I-I feel myself being looked down upon by its m-menacing eminence~"

"My shirt?"

Tilting my head down, I immediately realized what she was getting off at. I was wearing my red, Frankenstein's Monster graphic tee. My favorite shirt, and the one I died in coincidentally.

"Oh, that's just Frankenstein's Monster. Specifically the monster, not the mad scientist that created him. A lot people get them confused and it bugs me – _eeewww,_ forget I said bugs!"

Megumin waved a hand in front of her as she attempted to unravel my words. "Wait, so a guy named Frankenstein made a green monster-man that kinda looks like a zombie? Is he a necromancer like the one we're hunting?"

Being one of my favorite mad scientists that created one of my favorite monsters, I took the opportunity to recap the story of Frankenstein and his infamous creation. After all the crap that's been happening to me since coming to this stinkin' cemetery, discussing one of my interests with other people was honestly a nice way to distract everyone from that. The girls even seemed to be somewhat interested in it too (especially Darkness for certain "reasons" I'll bet).

But given my lot in life, all decent things must come to an end. I didn't get to finish my synopsis when ghostly wails from out of the blue made me jump in surprise.

I don't understand: one minute, these acres were deserted – dare I say dead – then the next, BAM! It suddenly became a ghost party! Amorphous projections of people's souls flew everywhere which way throughout the air, each one of them moaning in agony. They didn't appear to be hostile, but their sudden presence did raise some serious red flags.

"Look! A few gravestones away, there's a light! Someone's activated a magic formation!"

It was hard to see with my bad eyes, but with my Farsight skill, I was able to make out the figure Darkness pointed out. The only discernable thing I could make out about them was they wearing a purple robe with a hood covering their head.

"Yup, that's gotta be our necromancer alright."

"Are you sure?" questioned Megumin, "I get the feeling this isn't your run-of-the-mill undead magic-caster."

Darkness brandished her longsword. "Should we charge in and take them down now while they're busy with their dark spells?"

"No! It's too risky! The undead are especially powerful under a full moon night. Let me use my Explosion spell to fully erase them from this mortal coil, it's our safest bet."

"Oh no you don't! I don't want to have to pay for even more property damage! First it was the carrot patches in Mirfield, and then it was the walls of Axel. I refuse to pay a single cent for a smoldering cemetery!"

"Well let's see you think of something better then, Mr. 'Evil Teen Genius'! Aqua may be a goddess, but you can't possible except her to attack a supercharged undead all by herself- -"

" _RrrAAAAuuuuGGGGhhhh!_ "

And there she goes, charging straight ahead at the target in a rage-boosted dash. Sometimes I wonder why I even bother trying to keep control of her.

"For a lich to be here is unforgivable! As a representative of the Heavenly Realm, I shall judge you!"

Hang on, did Aqua say this guy was a lich? Aren't those supposed to be one of the strongest undead classes in fiction? What the hell is one doing here!?

In a flash, Aqua began stomping the circumference of the magic circle surrounding the lich with her boot. Each stomp appeared to weaken the circle's energy if it flickering like a faulty lightbulb was anything to go by. The robbed figure responsible for the cipher began to cry out.

"AH! St-st-stopppp! Who are you!? Where'd you come from!? Why are you wrecking my magic formation!? Please stop!"

Those pleas sounded awfully feminine for a supposed king of the undead. Was this lich actually a woman? I didn't know liches could be female…

Well, as it turns out, they could. The moment the magic circle was broken, Aqua pounced on the lich, pushing her to the ground and exposing her admittedly pretty face underneath the hood. She had perfect skin and brown eyes, with her matching brown hair flowing down around her neck and slightly obscuring her right eye. Those thick purple robes she donned became unbuttoned during the scuffle, showing off a bust that rivaled Dark's, and that was saying something right there!

In short, she looked nothing like a lich, instead looking more like a human girl. One who was…um, well, well-endowed and had a curvaceous body type now that I'm getting a better look at her…

Keep it in your pants, Spicer! I can already detect Meg giving me the stink eye in my peripheral vision. Why couldn't the lich had been a dude instead? I'm bi, so I wouldn't have mind either way!

" _Ha-Ha-Ha!_ So, you thought you could get away with whatever heinous plot you were concocting, did ya? Well nice try! The great Me was able to nip the bud in your sinful plans!"

"W-w-w-what? No, please, you misunderstand- -"

"Shut up, you affront to the gods! People who stray from their humanity to become revolting undead make me sick. Which is why I'll purify these lost souls and you along with them! _Yah!_ "

With the flick of her wrist, Aqua encompassed the entire cemetery in a bluish glow, reminiscent of an aquarium. The souls, who I guess would be the fish in this metaphor, began to evaporate in what looked like appeasement. Soon the place became an empty and barren landscape again. As for the lich girl…

"AH! Oh no! My body – it's threatening to disappear! H-help, somebody help, please!"

Aqua's triumphant laughs during the purification process stopped shortly after discovering the lich's bangin' bod was still tethered to this world, if only by a thread.

"Eh!? Aw c'mon! My magic should've been enough to purify you! Am I really starting to lose my touch now that I'm technically a demigod? No, this can't be happening to meeeeeee!"

Great, now we've got a crying demigod and a whimpering lich on our hands. What a night for me.

Well, seeing as how this lich wasn't much of a threat, I decided to approach her and attempt a conversation. Y'know, just to get a read on her personality.

"Uh…hey there. I take it from my crybaby partner that you're a lich. That's…cool. So what that's like, huh?"

As her body slowly regained its physical form, the young woman blinked away her tears and stared at me. Right now part of me wishes I had chosen enhanced social skills as my divine cheating power.

"…What's being a lich like?"

"Yeah, I thought liches were supposed to be sapient zombies, but you look like a healthy human."

"Th-that's just because I practice good hygiene…"

Oh. Uh, okay then. I'm not going to press on any further. Let's change the subject.

"You gotta a name or is lich fine with you?"

In the moment, I had completely ignored Aqua, who had recovered from her wallowing only to scold me.

"Jack! What do you think you're doing!? Don't converse with her kind! You might turn into one too!"

"First of all, wow, racist. Second of all, I'm pretty sure that's not how becoming a lich works. Besides, all I did was ask her name, so stand down, useless demigod."

"I am NOT a demigod. I'm a FULL god, darn it!"

And that's when I tuned her out and went back to repeat my question to the docile lich woman standing awkwardly in front of me.

"Oh, well, my name is Wiz. What might yours be if you do not mind me asking."

"You're talking to the one and only Jack Spicer, Super Evil Genius Mastermind, and his Posse of Destruction! I'd have my evil theme music blaring in the background, but my robots aren't here because I didn't bring them with me. They're not really effective against ghost-types."

"…Eh?"

The evil theme music would've sold it for her, I know it.

"Never mind. Anyway, what were you doing before we got here, raising a ghost army?"

"What? No, I would never! You see, being what I am, I can hear the voices of these lost souls. Most of the souls that wander this large public cemetery never received proper burials due to them being impoverished when they were alive. As a result, they were unable to move on to the afterlife and became lost in the process. So, I periodically come visit to guide them back to Heaven."

In other words, she's a good guy lich. Lame. Well, at least she's easy on the eyes and doesn't smell like death.

Darkness stepped forward (with Megumin cautiously trailing behind her) and asked Wiz, "If that's the case, then why not leave it to the priests of this town?"

"T-that's because the priests of this town are rather materialistic. Er, what I mean is, the rites for people without money are postponed, so…"

"So they end up pushing poor cemeteries like this one off to the side," finished Megumin.

Wiz nodded solemnly. Two-thirds of my party gave similar affirmations in response. Can you guess who the outlier was?

"Why is everyone siding with this lich!?" Aqua shouted. "Jack and Megumin I can kinda understand, but _Darkness?_ You're a holy Crusader, I should've expected you of all people to back me up here! I'm your goddess' senior for My sake, you're supposed to be against undead savages!"

"Th-th-that's so hurtful!" whimpered the quote unquote _undead savage._

As for the holy Crusader, she dug her foot into the soil while looking down at it and softly responded back.

"Well, under normal circumstances, yes. However, from what I've seen so far of her, I cannot confidently say Wiz is a dangerous malcontent. Besides, she's even doing a charitable service on her own accord. What kind of person, human or otherwise, should be condemned for doing such a selfless act?"

Eh, I personally don't buy it. I've researched cryptids and mythological creatures before, I know what a lich is like: they're the reanimated bodies of radical wizards who wanted to cheat death and become omniscient. But give them a couple of eons and they'll lose sight of anything resembling humanity and just start chaos for chaos' sake.

It's possible Wiz is just relatively young for her kind, but, sooner or later, she and the rest of her lich-y friends will pose a serious problem for my future federation. I'll bet all my pudding cups on it.

That being said, however, I can't deny my innate curiosity to study what kind of kickass powers she has under her sleeves. So even though I'm not entirely keen on trusting her, I will be on the lookout for something that sticks out about her. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer, right?

" 'Selfless'? She's a freak of nature! Plus, she's the one we were tasked to eliminate in the first place! I say we finish her off now and never discuss this again!'

Wiz sputtered for a second before pleading to Aqua, "No, wait, please don't purify me again! Look, I-I run a small magic shop back in town. It doesn't get good business but, if you have mercy, I'll give you and your friends customer discounts!"

Aqua remained silent.

"…I also serve t-tea on the side…?"

That made Aqua hum to herself before she pointed a finger at Wiz.

"Alright, I accept, but on one condition."

She's already given you two conditions!

"Let someone more responsible and holy take over your graveyard shift. I'm of course talking about me; a goddess is far more suited to guide the dead than you."

The lich teared up (though I can't tell if those were happy or hurt tears) and glomped the ruthless goddess, hugging at the waist with all her might while thanking her to the high heavens.

"Ew, don't touch me! Also, you're breaking the 3-second rule on hugs!"

* * *

I feel a headache coming on.

It was early morning when we agreed to visit the little magic shop Wiz said she ran. It was a mom-and-pop type shop tucked away underneath a cheap, one-room hotel. There was a counter, shelves for products, a small table with two chairs, and that's pretty much it. She really wasn't kidding when she said her store didn't get good business.

Although, I think I figured out why she doesn't get a lot of customers, and it's not just the bare bones atmosphere. Every item this airheaded lich had on sale was faulty! And it was always a specific fault too; something that completely defeated the item's intended purpose.

For example, while Wiz was brewing tea for a grumpy Aqua, Megumin asked about a vile of bubbling green liquid she picked off a shelf, and she had this to say:

"Oh, that? That's a concoction specifically brewed for humans to navigate dark places without a lantern by making their bodies glow! You just need to have see-through skin for your insides to shine through."

Humans don't have see-through skin! So what's the friggin' point of it!?

Some are just flat out useless for the average consumer to want to buy:

"Excuse me, Wiz, I have a question about this potion that attracts beasts. Um, w-would it make one more attractive to men with a beastly nature?"

"Sadly, no, it only attracts beast-like monsters. The scent makes them attack the wearer one right after the other without a break."

"I SHALL TAKE YOUR ENTIRE STOCK!"

But then again, my teammates weren't exactly average consumers.

I'll only say this once inside my mind, but thank Aqua for her intimidation factor. If she hadn't threaten Wiz with purification, she wouldn't have bribed us with discounts, and all our quest money we earned from lying about the "necromancer's" death would've been splurged on the junk my party is buying.

"Here is your tea, Lady Aqua."

"Hey, this tea is cold! Your cold, dead lich hands made my tea lukewarm! Make me another one!"

"Yes Lady Aqua, sorry Lady Aqua, right away Lady Aqua!"

If only this shop sold ibuprofen…


	11. Party Swapping

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If there's one thing Jack has learned during his villainous career, it's that being a team leader is hard as balls. So when some rando at the guild says he's got it easy, they'll make a bet to see who's the real clown.

Alright, it's another day, another opportunity to make a quick buck. Oh, sorry, I mean eris. Still getting used to some of the terminology here.

Anyway, the last quest the girls and I went on went surprisingly well for once. Even if I had to lie about the specifics of how it went down, it was still ultimately a net gain on our end. But, of course, that wasn't enough. We were gonna need a lot more dough if we wanted to make ends meet and Aqua's arts & crafts just weren't cutting it anymore. World domination ain't exactly a cheap business venture ya know.

So with that in mind, I studied the quest board for something decent in terms of both workload and profit. I finally won back the rights as leader to choose any and all future quests after a painfully long debate with Aqua. Seriously, you give that woman a freebie and she'll start biting off more than she can chew.

"Okay, let's see here…'Luggage-carrying for a local noble' eh? Hmm, sounds like demeaning grunt work. But the pay is good, and I can just get Darkness and the bots to do most of the heavy lifting for me. Besides, it doesn't really matter if this gig turns out to be degrading; I've done more for less anyhow."

"HA! I bet you have, man with the weakest class!"

When will people learn to butt out of other people's one-sided conversations?

It came from the closest table next to the board. It was just your generic stock group of adventurers. There was a raven-haired archer wearing a blue jacket, a wizard with a racoon tail wearing a green jacket, a Rambo inspired Crusader with a sleeveless shirt and necktie, and the blonde teen in the red jacket who was crying about tomatoes on the day of Beldia's death.

Hey, I never said anything about their appearances or backgrounds being generic.

"I heard that, you know."

"I know, I wanted you to hear it. You're seriously considering taking on a luggage-carrying quest? C'mon, you're in a party full of top-tier members, can't you take on a harder quest? You're just the dead weight that's holding them back. Isn't that right, _man with the weakest class?_ "

Tomato boy's companions all sniggered along with him.

I could feel my fists clenching in anger like they had minds of their own. This joker doesn't know a damn thing about me. He doesn't have the right to mock the ruler of the universe!

Settle down, Jack, you've gone your whole life being the butt of everyone's jokes. You should've built up an immunity to their taunts by now.

Doesn't mean it hurts any less, though…

But as of the current moment, I have no real rebuttal. I still have yet to meet the Level requirements to switch to a class that's brag worthy, like a Battlesmith. Plus, he's technically not wrong about my teammates. Sure, they make me want to tear out my hair sometimes, but they do hold high-tier classes that overshadow mine.

If coordinated correctly, the girls can be utilized for evil, but that doesn't cover up the fact that I'm still the weakest link in my own team. So, again, I have no legit comeback.

"Y-yeah, well…at least I have the highest IQ in the guild! I'm so smart, I build robots just for the heck of it! How do you like them apples? Or in your case, tomatoes? Oh wait, that's right, you don't seem to have any~"

That last part must've struck a nerve with him as he suddenly shot up from the table to glare me down. I flinched.

"Big talk comin' from a newbie wuss like yourself! You think just because you can make a small militia of golems to hide behind, that suddenly makes you hot shit. You rookies are all the same: all bark and no bite."

"HEY! My JackBots are _not_ golems! They are highly advanced, intricate, killing machines. Golems are mindless amalgamations of dirt and clay lazily assembled by magic. The difference between the two is staggering!"

"Yeah, just like how the chances of you hooking up with own harem is staggering!"

Most of the guild erupted in laughter while that blonde asshole sat back down to take a victory sip of his beer.

It's official: he's landed himself on my blacklist, just below Chase Young and the Xiaolin Losers.

I think my teammates could see the steam bellowing out of my ears because it was at this moment that they came to my side.

"Jack, don't bother with these chumps, I don't give a damn what they have to say about us," said Megumin, patting me on the back.

"That's right, Jack, do not let the words of a drunkard bring you down," Darkness reaffirmed while patting my shoulder. "Just ignore him."

"Yeah, he's just jealous that you have us on your side!" cheered Aqua in an attempt to hype up the tense atmosphere. "I don't mind their words, so just leave them be."

…Y'know something? I honestly needed that kind of support right now. Really, I mean it. I'll have to treat them to ice cream later on.

But before I could turn away and make good on that promise…

"Oh how envious it must be to be surrounded by top-tier classes! How envious it must be to not know true suffering! How about switching places with me, bro?"

"WHAT DID YOU SAY!?"

Despite losing my cool, I did take a little bit of pleasure in seeing the dickbag's shocked reaction when I splashed his beer mug right in his face.

"Oi! What're you- -"

I wasn't gonna give him another chance to give me more lip. I grabbed him by his jacket collar and laid into him like I did Chase.

"Oh, yeah, okay, sure, let's have everyone pick on the new kid 'cuz he's fresh meat. And as we all _clearly_ understand, noobs are just weak sub-humans and nothing more. WELL WHO THE HELL TAUGHT YOU THAT LOAD OF BULL, HUH!? YOUR MOM!? Did she force-feed you spoonfuls of those lies while you were still in diapers? Because it's either that or mob mentality!"

The guild became as quiet as a church. Tomato boy's companions didn't know what to do or say. I could hear one of my own companions try to say something to me, but quite frankly, I was too miffed to know who or even care.

"You think _I_ have it easy? HAH! I wish I had some of what you're smoking! Because apparently I'm forever cursed to always get screwed over by the forces that be. So, in order to counterbalance my rotten Luck, I have to work twice as hard just to take a step forward for every two steps I take back! Oh, and while I may be out of shape, my cerebral cortex sure isn't. Through sheer hard work and education, I'll be the one out there dominating the playing field while chumps like you end up bagging my groceries!"

They say eyes are the windows to the soul, so I made sure to emphasize my final message by staring intently into his blue eyes and not break contact (something easier said than done).

"That's why my one of my biggest pet peeves is when someone thinks I don't know what it's like to suffer. So you know what? Fine. Let's switch parties for a day. I'd love to see you wrangle those three problem children all on your own!"

"EH!?" x3

"…I, er, sorry…The, um, alcohol got to my head – look, we obviously got off on the wrong foot here. My name is Dust and these are my friends."

The mage with the green jacket interjected, "Although, to be fair, even we're beginning to question the logistics of putting up with you."

Wow. His gang gives him flack too, huh? My condolences.

"A-anyway, I was only bitter because, from where I'm sitting, your situation is a million times better! Having a harem of pretty ladies with advance classes following you around? That's every self-respecting male adventurer's dream come true! You said you want to swap places with me, right? How about we switch parties for one adventure? You guys are fine with that?"

Dust's party gave various forms of confirmation. After they all agreed, he turned back to me.

"If you're having any doubts, this your last chance to back down~"

" **Gong. Yi. Tenpai.** "

"…Come again?"

" **Begin. The. Showdown.** "

Aqua timidly piped up from behind me. "Umm, Jack, don't we get a say in this?"

I waved my hand and answered absentmindedly, "Just think of this as being under new temporary management, you'll be fine."

* * *

The guy that looked like an office worker whose pumped a ton of iron began the introductions.

"Greetings, my name is Taylor. I'm a Crusader proficient with a shield and greatsword. I guess you could say I'm the de facto leader of this group. Anyway, even though it's only temporary, you're still a member of our party. Just follow my instructions and you should be just fine."

I shrugged. "Eh, it's fine. Being a leader can be really taxing anyway, so taking orders instead of giving them should be just what the doctor ordered."

Taylor's eyebrows crooked upward and his eyes widened a bit. "Wait…A full team of high-tier warriors is following the directions of an Adventurer such as yourself?"

"Yeah."

Dust's companions simply gawked at me for several unnecessarily long seconds.

C'mon people, it's not that weird! I'm the brain behind this operation, and everyone knows the brain is the most important organ of them all. Well, I mean, you could make the argument that the heart is more important since it circulates blood throughout the body – eh, details, details. Let's not lose focus here.

Racoon-tail-girl was the first to come to her senses and introduce herself.

"Uh, anywho! My name's Lean! I'm a mage who can use Intermediate Magic. Nice to meet you. And don't worry, I'll take care of ya! Stick with me and you'll go far, rookie!"

Am I hearing things, or did she just say she can use something non-Explosion related? I thought I'd never see the day where a mage can be allowed to have more than one, single, solitary move in her arsenal. I think I've built up such a tolerance to general incompetence that normal stuff feels like a counterculture punch to the gut.

Last one up is the guy in the blue jacket.

"Keith. Archery's my game. I'm confident in my sniping skills. Pleased to meet ya."

After shaking Keith's hand and finally getting acquainted with the rest, it was only appropriate that I give them a short villainous monologue about their temporary recruit. After all, what kind of a bad guy would I be if I didn't?

"Cool, suppose it's fair to introduce myself: I'm Jack Spicer, Evil Intellectual Adventurer Extraordinaire! My hobbies include long walks on the beach at night, constructing droid armies in my down time, and – of course – winning. Now, what's on the menu for today's adventure?"

The three of them collectively had to take a minute to bask in my diabolical glory. I allowed it.

"Is it too late to get Dust back?"

"Keith, please!"

Taylor scolded his insubordinate as he whapped the raven-haired prick away from his side. He then turned back to me with an apologetic look etched into his chiseled face. If I don't get it together already, I might lose myself in those eyes!

"Excuse my comrade, he has a rather bad habit of not thinking before he speaks."

Even though he's causally explaining Keith's behavior to me, I can still hear the same nagging criticisms of Wuya echoing from his words.

"Now, as far as adventuring goes, we weren't really planning on doing anything today. Although, given the circumstances, we can partake in a simple goblin-slaying quest. There's been a commotion happening near the hillside and the Adventurer's Guild needs fighters to clear out the area. Since you have the weakest class in our party, you'll be assigned to carry our luggage. But don't worry, we'll split the reward money equally~"

Went from defending me to giving me snarky service with a smile. Thanks, ya handsome prick. Oh well, I was bracing myself to carry crap anyway. I just hope he wasn't being sarcastic about splitting the money equally.

As I went ahead and tidied up the essentials we would need for the trip, I overheard the familiar shrill voice of Aqua coming from the quest board.

"HUH!? You want to take a goblin quest? But that's below our paygrade! Let's take something more daring! We need to prove to Jack that he's missing out!"

Dust was rubbing the back of his head and addressing my evil posse.

"Ah ha ha…Yes, well, I know this quest is child's play to ladies of your caliber, but please pick a simple one for my sake."

"Oi, Dust!" Lean called out, "Don't get so comfortable that you won't wanna rejoin us, all right?"

"Hey, what do you take me for? A hopeless delinquent?"

"Yes."

"Y-you didn't even bat an eye when you said that!"

Darkness perked like an excited dog. "Is what she says true, Dust? Are you really a degenerate delinquent who treats his companions like tools!?"

"Huh?"

Tomato boy's gonna have egg on his face for sure. Damn, if only I had a CameraBot ready for when that moment comes. Better save enough mana for Sandbox Mode, I think I know what my next robot's gonna be.

* * *

God, my arms are killing me!

I was lagging behind Taylor's party when we set out on our journey to the mountains. The group was happily chatting amongst themselves like I didn't even exist.

This bites, it's been an hour and I'm already fed up with the mission! My feet are sore, my arms are about to give out, and the sun wasn't helping my complexion.

Not only that…but I'm also bored.

The walk to the mountain path was uneventful, nothing came to challenge us. Plus, my surrogate party simply couldn't be bothered to engage with me in any meanigful way (other than glancing behind to make sure I didn't quietly die in the back). I know my regular team was chaotic and all, but at least there was never a dull moment with them around…

_Not_ that I miss them of course! I'm only saying they were energizing to hang out with, nothing more. In fact, if push ever comes to shove, I can just replace all three of them with robotic clones. At least then I can program them to be more docile then their organic counterparts.

Bitching and moaning aside, we finally made it to the mountain. It wasn't like any of the lush, green mountains back in China, this one was rocky and bare like the ones in Europe. So why would a bunch of dumb goblins want to hang out in a place that provides no comfort?

Oh, right, because they're dumb. I answered my own question.

Taylor stopped to whip out his map and said, "The goblins were spotted at the top of this mountain path, just as it starts leading down this slope. There might be goblins living in the caves beside the path, so everyone be on guard from this point onwards."

"Hey, what about me!? I'm the one carrying everybody's junk! What am I supposed to do if a goblin attacks me?"

Everyone gave me nasty looks, nothing I'm not already used to at this point in my life.

Keith responded with a low growl, "Just stay close to us and there won't be a problem. Also, if you lose or damage 'our junk', you can forget about getting paid at all. Got it?"

I nodded meekly.

"Alright," remarked Taylor, "now let's go before it gets dark. Keep your eyes peeled."

We trudged up the slope in silence. I was not going to cry, but I was regretting switching teams.

The trail itself was narrow with a rocky wall on our right and a cliff on our left. We had to carefully walk in a single file line to make it up the mountain face.

That's when something…interesting happened.

Out of nowhere, I spotted a red dot in my peripheral vision. I was about to shrug it off as my eyes playing tricks on me when the dot blinked and moved around. At the same time, a transparent outline of the very same trail we were walking up on appeared directly in my line of sight.

"Da fuck…?"

I thought I had finally snapped when it hit me: my Enemy Detection skill was going off for the first time. My Adventurer Card said that it picked up on hostiles using "Radar-like pings". This must be what it was referring to!

I was only surprised by it because it was the first time it was going off. Not once did it decide to show up during the cabbage harvest, frog attack, or boss encounter. Maybe it functions more like preliminary security alert system? Like, the radar gets set off when the enemy is sneaking but not when they're already present?

Well, that's the working theory, anyway.

The red dot was going to make a turn around a corner we were heading straight towards.

"Hey, uh, guys? I know you're probably still mad at me, but I'm sensing some kind of enemy about to turn the corner ahead of us."

The multicolored trio stopped dead in their tracks. Taylor turned to me, shocked, with his brows furrowed and his forehead creased in worry. I should know, I've made that expression more times than I care to admit.

"Jack, you have the Enemy Detection skill? And there's only one enemy? That shouldn't be a goblin, they always travel in packs. It might be a high-leveled monster."

"What do we do!?" cried Lean, "We're on a straight path, we'll be spotted for sure!"

Their shaky voices and talk of strong monsters was infectious. "I-I vote we hide!"

Keith glared at me. "Are you retarded!? We're on a cliffside, where are we supposed to hide?"

"Uhh, well, I read that the Lurk skill can also affect party members touched by the user."

"Wait, you also have the Lurk skill?" Taylor shook himself out of it. "Never mind. Everyone, hold on to Jack's shoulders. Jack, use Lurk and slide up against that wall."

Spoken like a true sergeant. Perhaps there's a chance I can recruit him into my evil army once the world is mine.

Getting back on track, I used Lurk to turn myself invisible while the others touched my shoulders and subsequently disappeared from the visible spectrum. We all backed against the cliffside wall and waited with bated breath.

The single creature that came shambling around the bend was something I was dreading to run into. It matched the description I was given by the mohawked beefcake on my first day of adventuring:

The Rookie Killer, a.k.a. Beginner's Bane.

When I saw the thing, I covered my mouth in a panic to avoid screaming in terror. However, in defense of my manhood, Lean did it first. I was merely copying her because she was a veteran, so…y'know…monkey see, monkey do.

After the saber-toothed beast sniffed the area, it wandered back in the direction we just came from until it was out of sight.

We decloaked ourselves and let out breathes of relief.

"How…how scary! That was a Rookie Killer, an actual _Rookie Killer_!" Lean stammered. "I think my heart stopped beating for a sec there…"

"No wonder goblins have been spotted near town," mumbled Keith, "they must've been herded by that thing. These mountains are probably its home."

Taylor noted, "And now it's heading in the direction of _our_ home. This is problematic, we won't be able to return back to town from where we came. That beast is way too high-leveled for us to take down."

Despite the underlying tension in the group, the non-masochistic Crusader quickly straightened himself out.

"Still, we have a quest to finish. The Rookie Killer normally protects the goblins it uses to lure in would-be adventurers. If we kill the goblins and hide their bodies in the woods along the mountain path, it might ignore us like it did just now and follow the scent of fresh corpses instead. Even if it does get close, we can rely on Jack's Enemy Detection skill. Let's head for our destination."

Yeesh, he's starting to sound like that Meatball Kangaroo guy. I hope being around goody two-shoes 24/7 doesn't affect my evil street cred. Or worse, rub off on me- -

Nope, nuh-uh, not happenin'! I already made the mistake of trying to turn good once and that will be the last time I ever do something that stupid. Besides, I was all depressed after disappointing my then evil hero, so I wasn't exactly in the best headspace at the time.

Regardless, we all unanimously agreed with Taylor's proposal and continued on the path.

In an unexpected turn of events, however, Lean took some of the luggage I was carrying. When I gave her a look, she gazed off to the side and stubbornly muttered:

"If we encounter the Rookie Killer and need to run, it would be better if you had a lighter load. I'll take some of my stuff. As compensation, we'll be counting on your Enemy Detection and Lurk skills, all right?"

Hearing Lean say that, Taylor and Keith hurriedly took some of their bags from me as well.

Huh…Looks like things are coming up Jack after all!

* * *

After that disturbing close call with a ferocious, intelligent animal, we continued hiking up the mountain trail until we came upon a large indention marked on Taylor's map. Likely a meteor impact site.

"Alright, this is the where most of the goblin sightings took place," stated Taylor. "Jack, picking up anything from your Enemy Detection?"

Bad. Fucking. Lord.

"Something's wrong with my eyes! I can't see! IT'S ALL JUST RED!"

"SHH! Quiet you idiot!" Lean whispered-yelled nervously. "Guys, there may be more goblins around the corner than we can handle. If Jack's vision is entirely blotted with red dots, we may be going up against a small army!"

While I was trying to paw my way around thanks to my sudden vision impairment, I heard Keith snort in amusement.

"So what? There just shrimps! The worse they can do is kick us in the shin. Besides, we can't let the newbie hog the limelight forever. LET'S GO!"

"Keith, stop! Don't be reckless!"

"No, Taylor, stay hidden!"

"What's happening!? I still can't see over here you guys!"

I heard the others' footsteps dash ahead, so I had to us the rocky wall beside me as an anchor to reality.

Is this what it's like to be blind? If so, I have a newfound respect for people who can go their whole lives living like this. I should buy a walking stick in case my Enemy Detection goes haywire again. Or better yet, I can get a refund on the skill itself. No ability is worth giving me a panic attack over the loss of my vision!

Can skills even be refunded? How the heck does that work? I'll bet Luna gets that question a lot.

At this point, I'm just trying to distract myself from the fact that all I see is red.

"Woah! So many!"

"We told you not to go in bows firing! Now look where that got us!"

Once I shuffled blindly to where the shouts originated from, I noticed holes to the outside world started popping up across my vision, meaning the red dots were finally disappearing. Finally! Now, let's see what we have to work with here…

"…I think I made wee-wee…"

IT'S A GOBLIN MOSH PIT DOWN THERE!

"There should only be a dozen or so goblins in one pack! Damn, if we run back, we might get caught between them and the Rookie Killer! There's nothing else we can do, we have to fight!"

Taylor and the others readied themselves as I calculated in my head how fast the JackBots could get here if I called them. The answer: not fast enough.

"Chi, chi, chi! Chi-, chi-!"

The goblins emitted weird battle screams and charged up the slope of the crater. The situation may look bleak, but if we can keep the high ground, we'll at least have a fighting chance.

An arrow from behind the enemy line zipped through the air and lodged itself in Taylor's arm.

"Argh! Shit, I'm hit! Be careful! They got archers in their ranks! Lean, cast a wind-defense spell, quick!"

"Lean's still chanting, she won't make it! Everyone, try to dodge!"

They need wind spells to blow back the arrows? Well, I'm no Raimundo, but I've got a trick or two up my sleeve.

"Wind Breath!"

Along with Create Water, I also took the liberty of learning the other three basic elemental spells: Wind Breath, Tinder, and Create Earth. They're only beginner spells I purchased for 1 skill point each, but at least I can live out my fantasies of showing up those Wu-obsessed monks.

The small gust of conjured up wind was barely powerful enough to throw off the aerodynamics of the arrows, causing them to clatter harmlessly to the ground.

Taylor gawked at me. "J-Jack…! Great job, man!"

As soon as he gave me some unexpected praise, Lean was done chanting her spell.

"Wind Curtain!"

A torrent of wind suddenly formed a curtain-like barrier in front of us. The remaining arrows targeted at us were swept away like twigs in a hurricane.

Lean's spell gave me a sly idea.

"Create Earth!"

I shouted and generated two small mounds of dirt in each hand. Before my cohorts could ask what I was doing, I tossed the dirt into Lean's Wind Curtain. The whirlwinds greedily sucked up all the debris and, as a result, gradually converted itself into a miniature tornado.

Then, I used what little mana I had left to conjure another Wind Breath spell to nudge the Wind Curtain barrier towards the goblin horde.

The dirt was effectively blown into their eyes, momentarily blinding them and giving us a much-needed edge.

"Taylor, slash them while they're distracted! Keith, take out those archers hiding in the back! Lean, keep using those wind spells! Also – while you're at it – throw some dirt in there to keep blinding them!"

Nobody even questioned my directions, they just looked at me and did exactly as I said: Taylor effortlessly cut through the goblins' defenses like paper, Keith sniped the archers with the deadly accuracy of an assassin, and Lean spammed her Wind Curtain skill (while taking my advice to heart no less)!

But somehow, one of the green midgets managed to get the jump on me when I least expected it. It knocked me flat on my ass and had me pinned down with its surprisingly strong arms. The others were too busy with the horde to notice or hear me, so I was left to try and buck the little bastard off.

Its face was grotesque and its breath was nauseating. It kept growling and attempting to bite me like a rapid animal on steroids. I could feel myself losing strength from thrashing around as much as I did. This was it, wasn't it? This was where my journey ends. I don't think I've ever been this scared or alone in all my life.

" _Jack Spicer, prepare yourself for a most humiliating defeat!"_

I must be going delirious because that sounded like Omi's voice.

When I cracked open my eyes, I was met with a bright round yellow face instead of a deformed green one staring down at me. Cheddar Head's ever present shit-eating grin was smeared on his lips as my strength faded and vision blurred.

"O-Omi…?"

" _Give up, Spicer! You will never hope to be as strong and talented as me!"_

I don't understand what's going on, but I'm getting sick of hearing those all-too-familiar jabs directed at me. If only he would just- -

" _Wuya and Chase were right: you truly are a disgrace to evil everywhere!"_

"- -SHUT UP!"

Adrenaline rushed through my veins as I headbutted my assaulter. With my arms now free, I unsheathed my short sword and swiftly stabbed him in the side of his neck. The goblin gurgled for a bit before falling over, dead.

I remember just standing there, replaying the event over and over in my mind. After the incident with the Giant Frogs, I thought I'd never be able to properly stomach murdering living creatures. Hell, the only reason I even kept a somewhat cool composure back then was because I busied myself with a tunnel vision objective of saving Aqua.

But now…I think I might've found a way around killing things: imagining them as my past tormentors!

Deciding to test my hypothesis, I homed in another goblin that was making a charge at me. I concentrated and, in my mind, superimposed one of my old enemies' faces onto it.

" _Maybe if he worked once and a while, he wouldn't look like a scrawny old lady!"_

"Fuck you, Kimiko!"

I successfully dodged the monster's predictable attack and stabbed it in the back. Another went in to avenge its friend.

" _That Jack is slower than a three-legged cow in quicksand!"_

"Am not, Clay!"

I used the hilt of my sword to stun him before slicing him through the abdomen. For the rest of the battle, I continued to use my newfound technique to help kill all the goblins.

" _Ready to have your butt kicked again, wannabe goth?"_

" _Why must you insist on building those infernal machines, boy? They're useless!"_

" _Be still, worm! I have no time to trifle with the likes of you."_

Needless to say, there were no survivors of the horde left after we got done.

* * *

"I have never seen anyone use magic in such a way before! Is Basic Magic really that practical?"

"I know, right? We were taught from a really young age that Basic Magic was just a waste of skill points! If only my parents could see Jack back there!"

"Oh, man, this is the first time I actually enjoyed hunting goblins! I mean, I thought we were doomed when I saw the size of their tribe!"

The four of us were laughing and joking about the fight on the way back to Axel. Emotions were still high and our blood still pumping! Even when I was back on Earth, it had been so long since I last had a smooth victory like that. It's a real shame it doesn't happen as often as I'd like it to.

I turned back to the adventurers and joked, "Good thing you had a nerd with no class on your side, huh? Without my quick wit, you'd all be goblin chew toys!"

The three of them seemed to get flustered over my little roast. Bet they feel pretty stupid for doubting me before.

Taylor said, "Ah, sorry for misjudging you, Jack. We promise to never look down on you again simply due to your occupation."

Lean added, "Yeah, we shouldn't have been rude to you over something as petty as job descriptions. Don't judge a book by its cover, y'know?"

Keith didn't contribute to the group apology at first; in fact, he made a considerable effort not to look me or any of his other teammates in the eye.

Eventually, though, he settled on relaxing his arms over the back of his head like a cool dude and came out with a confession.

"I'm not gonna lie, I secretly resented you for not doing anything to change your class to something else. Despite your…'offbeat' personality, I could see you as someone with a lotta untapped potential. From my point of view, you were just a guy throwing his life away in lieu of staying at home, tinkering with your 'bots' or whatever you call them. But after what happened today…you've earned my respect, man."

"ooOOoo~ Keith doesn't throw his respect around so often!" teased Lean as she poked the archer's side with her elbow. "You've just made a powerful ally, Jack."

Taylor stepped behind them and rested his hands on their shoulders. "As with all of us. If you or your party ever needs help with anything, you can trust us. We'll always welcome you."

…W-wait, what?

I don't…get it. Did I actually make legitimate friends? In an alternate world no less? How come I could never do that in my own world before I turned evil? Kids wanted nothing to do with me at lunch or in recess. Hell, the only time those brats ever socialized was when it involved mooching off of me for group projects or - !

Of course, how could I have been so stupid?

These guys want to use me. I'm just a tool to them. Like how I was a tool for Wuya, and Chase, and even Omi, that bobble headed little - !

"I…I…I need some alone time!"

I took the coward's route and flew away, never looking back.

When will I ever learn to always keep my guard up no matter what?

It was midnight by the time I arrived at the guild. The rest felt like a blur.

I faintly recall Dust explaining how he and the girls encountered a Rookie killer and all three of them did something predictably stupid – I dunno, I was feeling way too out of it to recall in perfect detail.

Dust went groveling back to his party (who I dared not glance back at) and Aqua started recounting their escapade together in whiny detail. I sorta blocked her and the rest of the outside world out. I felt safe and secured, but also confused and lost inside the confides of my racing mind for the following fortnight.

If I can't even bring myself to trust sane and rational folk, then what the hell makes me think I can bring myself to trust these crazy chicks?


	12. When the Snow Falls

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Winter has reared its ugly head, and quests have become colder and harsher as a result. It also doesn't help that the girls' de facto leader has been in some kind of a slump recently.

Something's been eating away at Jack for the past two weeks now, and we're at a lost as to what to do.

While he denies the notion, frequently disregarding our concerns with an air of apathy, I knew him well enough at this point to know when he wasn't feeling alright. I mean for Eris' sake, the young man looks about ready to collapse any day now! This random spin on his behavior did not align with the otherwise zestful, goofy, even downright mean-spirited Spicer who desired nothing more than to be as unheroic as humanly possible.

Something serious was going on in his private life, and he was obviously not comfortable with sharing it. While a part of me feels shamefully aroused at the fact that he doesn't consider me worthy of his confidence, the majority of my senses are greatly alarmed by his depressing new attitude.

Supposedly, everything went downhill on the night Jack returned from his excursion with Dust's party. I was unconscious at the time as a delightfully vicious Rookie Killer had gotten done thoroughly abusing me like a worn-out chew toy, but Aqua and Megumin filled me in on most the details.

Firstly, they noted how he had entered the guild alone, without the company of Dust's companions. Even when they eventually made their return and reunited with their original teammate, Jack didn't acknowledge them in any way.

Secondly, Aqua complained about him zoning out during her recap of our misadventure with Dust. Megumin in particular was keen enough to observe his body language when that happened:

" _Yeah, and the whole time she was talking, he just kept nodding his head and muttering 'uh-huh' even when she wasn't done explaining something. It was kinda unnerving."_

Finally, on the morning after, he didn't make himself present at our usual meetup spot. Megumin and I visited the stable he and Aqua were staying at and found both of them sleeping the afternoon away.

I wasn't terribly surprised to see Aqua oversleeping as she had been off on another one of her long benders the night prior. However, it was quite unusual for Jack to sleep in this late. Even with his atrocious sleep schedule in mind, he's usually up to some degree by now. Very troubling.

When we questioned Taylor about what happened during the goblin quest, he knew about as much as we did. The mission had a few hiccups along the way, but Jack managed to prove himself throughout. Once the goblins were thoroughly slain, they congratulated him for his efforts and that's when he suddenly flew away without warning. Nothing about this added up in the slightest.

After failing to seek answers from Taylor's party, we turned to the next best group of people to ask. Or, rather, the next best group of cognitive golems. Unfortunately, the JackBots didn't prove to be very cooperative for reasons they declared as "classified" in nature. I had to physically restrain Megumin and cover her mouth before she could cast Explosion in frustration.

The only bit of information the metallic constructs were willing to disclose was that they were carefully monitoring Jack day and night in accordance with their protocols. They refused to elaborate any further, though.

In the end, our investigations turned up cold. So much for gaining insight on the situation…

In other pressing matters, new quests were being delayed by the Official Quest Committee as of late. Given the harsh conditions of the encroaching winter season, the only available kill quests at the moment were high in risk. And since all the adventurers who participated in the battle against Beldia were compensated, they were content with simply waiting out the cold until early spring.

But that shouldn't deter our party! We've been shirking our duties for far too long now. All of us need to get active again and I need to experience the thrill of being brutally maimed once more before I die! I voiced these opinions to my friends today at our table.

"That's a great idea Darkness!" cheered the ecstatic little Megumin. "No one wants to accept any kill quests for winter monsters, so now's the perfect time to strike! More experience points for us!"

"Exactly! It's like I always say: the stronger the monster, the better!"

"Sounds like it could be fun," concurred Aqua. "It definitely beats selling lettuce at my day job. It's like, 'So what if nobody wants to buy rotten produce in the middle of the coldest winter? It comes with a free doll I painstakingly crafted out of milk cartons!' That mean old manager will never understand us struggling artists! You know what, you've convinced me, let's go take out my aggression on some ugly baddies!"

"…It's too cold out…"

Quietly, we turned to the source of that meek objection and to the one person who had been occupying the back of our minds for more than we'd like.

He looked awful, just awful. His hair was still matted and unkempt, a clear sign that he didn't have it in him to style it up like before. The leather coat that tightly hugged his body had various food stains caked irregularly, and it was the only thing holding back most of the body odor that had accumulated from a lack of proper hygiene. Long gone were the goggles and fingerless gloves he would ritually wear every day, only now to be replaced by a forlorn sense of defeat.

All in all, Jack was hard to look at. It hurts to see him in such a miserable state, and not in the good way.

"We have to get back to adventuring at some point, Jack…" Megumin argued, although it came out more like a pitiful suggestion than a hard demand. The poor thing had to be the most troubled out of us all when Jack began falling into a slump. She was likely doing her best to restrain herself from breaking down on the spot.

Aqua, however, was reaching her limit with the boy at this point.

"That's it – I've just about had it up to here with your excuses! Every day, it's always a new excuse for why we can't go out on a quest or go out to do anything for that matter. It was relaxing at first, but now I'm getting bored! So, lighten up already!"

Jack raised his head out of his arms to look at Aqua. Even his eyeliner was no longer being applied. While I've never heard of men using makeup before in any capacity, it was still a foreboding reminder that he was not acting himself.

"Can't we just…y'know…do it when winter blows over? Please…?"

"Baka! What's wrong with you already!? Ever since you chickened out on Taylor, you've been acting like a sad orphan for no apparent reason! We're a team, we shouldn't be keeping secrets from one another. Did you learn nothing from that talk we had about trust a while back? Answer me, darn it!"

Jack never answered back. The normally chatty young man simply rested his cheek in his arms, which faced him out toward the crowd and away from us. He just let the conversation die off.

Megumin tried to get him engaged yet again by saying, "Hey, uh, Jacko! Whaddya say we get away from it all and travel to unconquered lands so we can claim them for your tyrannical federation? Huh? Doesn't that sound like evil fun?"

What an intelligent young lady! I decided to assist her by building upon what she said.

"Why, yes, that does sound like the perfect pick-me-up for an aspiring bad guy! Think of all the evil activities that could be accomplished: ransacking villages, impeding heroic adventurers, using me as your own personal meat shield! Oh, the possibilities are ENDLESS~!"

After taking a very brief intermission to revel in my painful daydream, I leaned slightly over to catch a glimpse of any reaction at all on Jack's face…

His face was scrunched up in displeasure and bitterness. He also looked to be on the verge of crying.

Oh shit, we just made the situation worse. No reaction at all would've been more preferable! But why did coaxing him with talk of immorality only serve to exacerbate his condition? Doesn't he dream of world domination, even if he is potentially delusional?

Aqua let out a small sigh and stood up. She elegantly strode around the table, her boots clicking with a stride befitting that of a regal noble and aligned herself in Jack's field of vision. She gently closed her eyes, slowly breathed in, breathed out, and looked at Jack with a soft gaze that only a goddess like her could pull off.

"Spicer-san, as your caring and benevolent goddess, I will broker a deal with you. If you agree to attend a quest with us today, not only will you be allowed to pick one of your own choosing, but we will allow you to keep 26% of the earnings we make. And, just as a little incentive, I will spoil you with the most relaxing treatment I can possibly think of: giving me a foot massage. I take you as a cultured young man who partakes in his foot fetishes. So what do you say? I don't go around giving away these kinds of offers to just anyone you know."

Megumin and I awaited with bated breath.

…

Jack stood up. His movements were sluggish and he was slouching more than usual, but at least he was getting up.

"Whatever. Let's just get this over with."

Aqua hopped with a victory cheer, though her miniskirt was threatening to expose herself when she did. Does she even wear panties in public? Perhaps I should consider doing the same in case of another wardrobe malfunction…

Megumin looked relieved to hear Jack agree despite Aqua's questionable negotiation skills. Had he been his usual self, I imagine he would have argued vehemently with the demigoddess. Oh, how I miss that aggressive side to him, it made me want to fantasize about being the main outlet for his rage~

Anyway, with the full party in agreement, we made our way over to the deserted quest board to allow Spicer to pick out whatever quest he wanted. As expected, the majority of posts explicitly requested for experts. A bit silly if you ask me considering that Axel Town is a city for novices. No wonder most adventurers have steered clear of the board this winter.

However, we are not most adventurers!

After lazily eyeing the posters for quite some time, Jack weakly jabbed his finger at one in particular and mumbled to himself, "The heck is a destroyer…?"

In my head, I read the flyer that apparently had him confused:

_The Mobile Fortress, "Destroyer", is on the prowl. Scouts needed to predict its next course._

Ah, the Destroyer. I suppose I shouldn't blame him for his lack of knowledge on that disastrous, renegade contraption; the boy is from a completely different world from ours.

Before I could go into detail, Megumin took the liberty of elaborating.

"It's a big walking fortress that shambles across the lands, leaving nothing alive in its wake, not even the grass!"

The Crimson Demon pretended to take heavy steps as she spoke in order to better emphasize her point.

"It's also weirdly popular with children for some reason."

With an underwhelming shrug, Jack continued to study the board until one quest in particular seemed to have caught his attention.

"A snow sprite kill quest?" He turned to us and asked, "Anyone know what snow sprites are? They don't sound intimidating from the name alone, and it's 100,000 eris for each one killed."

I would've been more than happy to explain all I knew about Snow Sprites to him, but Aqua beat me to it. Unceremoniously shafted to the side yet again~!

"They're small little puffballs with eyes that appear in snowy areas during winter. There's a myth that for every Snow Sprite you kill, spring comes half a day sooner."

For the first time in what felt like forever, Jack's expression shifted into something that was neither somber nor indifferent. He still didn't look particularly happy, but I could detect a lively spark of hope flash in his crimson eyes for a second.

"Really…?" he asked

"So I've heard. Why? You interested in that one?"

Jack gazed back to the poster and then to Aqua again. A moment of hesitation overcame him, but, eventually, he nodded.

"Great, this'll be the perfect time to bust out my shiny, beautiful winter coat! I'm off to go get it, see ya!"

Our energetic Archpriest cheerfully bounced away, leaving us behind.

Megumin said aloud, "I hope I remembered to pack my winter gear before leaving the village…Lemme go check my campsite for it real quick."

And just like that, the Arch Wizard was off to find her warm clothes in the tent she pitched for herself outside the walls of Axel. It was just me and Jack now. Though, speaking of him, he hung his head and stared silently at the ground the moment we were left alone.

That's it, I have got to say something to this boy. I gave him a reassuring squeeze on the shoulder before trying coax him out of his shell yet again.

"Jack? Is there anything you want to talk about? Whatever it is, it can just be between you and me. Crusader's honor."

He didn't move or make any indication that he was listening. Figures. If the last fifty times didn't get him to open up to us, what made me think the fifty-first time would be the charm?

"Well, are you sure you're well enough to take on this quest with us? I won't hold it against you if you aren't."

More disturbing silence.

"Jack, answer me. I need to know if you are fit for the task at hand. This is important."

He flinched at the firm tone in my voice. I had to show a little sternness with him, he shouldn't be taking his health so lightly.

Thankfully, that did make him nod and answer, "Y-yeah, yeah, I'm…I can bring my robots to help. I can…I can do this…"

I don't have the heart to tell about the likelihood of the Winter Shogun making an appearance. It's the first time in weeks that he's willing to give adventuring another shot, I can't discourage him now. If that frozen warrior does show up, I'll have to fulfill my duty as a Crusader and protect him alongside the rest of my companions.

Our Lady Eris, give me strength.

* * *

The moment the cold air hit my face was the moment I knew I was going to regret taking this mission. Even if I weren't feeling like shit right now, I wouldn't be enjoying myself out here. Winter's the worst of the four seasons, and I always get depressed around this time of year. I should've sent Sigma Squad out to do the quest and leave it at that, but noooo, my so-called "teammates" just _had_ to push me to go with them.

I grumbled to myself as quietly as I could while we all trudged through the thick snow. The weather diviner called for grainy overcast because it's just par for the course with my luck; gotta have nature reflect my current mood. We were dressed accordingly except for Darkness who choose to dress light because that's just how she rolls I guess. At least one of us was enjoying the crappy weather.

Following the directions given to us by Luna, we made it to the clearing in the evergreens with a large frozen pound off to the side. From the overabundance of Snow Sprites idly floating by everywhere, this was one of the only known hot spots where these little guys were found.

Aqua was right: they really were just white puffballs with eyes.

Personally, I can't stand seeing anything happy while I'm miserable. Let's make sure every last one of these mocking little bastards is dead so I can go home and find temporary peace in my sleep. But knowing me, I'll probably have to cry myself to sleep in order to knock myself out from sheer exhaustion.

I sighed and tried my best to raise my voice so the girls and JackBots could hear me through the obnoxious mewls the Snow Sprites were making.

"Alright, here's the plan: Megumin will start things off by exploding as many Snow Sprites as she can. After that, the Sigma Squad can mop up whatever's left. Umm…you guys, uh, can kill some if you want, I don't really care. Uhm…yeah, that's pretty much it…"

Aqua then raised her hand like she was in school. "I have a question."

" _Ugh,_ what is it now?"

"Can we leave a handful of these cuties alive?"

"What? Why?"

She opened a small crate hooked around her waist. Inside were empty glass bottles neatly lined up.

"I had this really neat idea: I can catch a lot of Snow Sprites and put 'em in these little bottles to make ice for whenever we pack drinks on a trip. That way, when summer rolls around, we can all have refreshing, ice-cold beverages to cool down with on a really hot day! Aren't I clever or what?"

If I wasn't so internally pissed at her for trying to lure me into a false sense of security, I might've been inclined to agree. But as it stands now, I want nothing to do with her or the others. It's only a matter of time before they decide to ditch me anyway. In fact, I'm seriously considering ditching them first so they can't get the chance make a fool out of me because lord knows I'm already the butt of everyone's jokes.

"Um, Jack? Are you…are you still with us?"

Huh? Was that Megumin?

I blinked and I saw her taking a step forward, staff clutched tightly in her mittened hands.

"Look, you're really making me worried now. Are you sure you want to do this? If you'd want, you can always go home and take a nap; we can handle ourselves out here. I-I'd rather you'd be in bed and happy than in the snow and miserable."

Oh cut the cutesy crap ya little faker. The old gullible Jack is gone, this is the new Jack: one who isn't gonna let himself become vulnerable for you.

"…Just cast your magic, alright? Think you can manage that much?"

She looked to be on the brink of losing it. Instead, Megumin bit her lip and nodded solemnly. Smooth move, me, you nearly made a thirteen-year-old girl cry. That's definitely not scrapping the bottom of the evil barrel.

"I'm gonna go sit down for a while…"

Nobody objected as I waddled over to the edge of the frozen pound in my dumb, oversized Alaskan snowshoes. Ten seconds after plopping myself down in the snow and Megumin's Explosion spell went off. The boom was ear-bleedingly loud, the shockwave unbearable, and I got thrown face-first into the hard ice as a result. The impact hurt like hell and I think I broke my nose as a result.

Despite feeling uncomfortable, I felt a strange sense of déjà vu right here in this very moment. My face merging itself to the ground dug up similar memories of me faceplanting on my desk during some especially tough times. All I could do was stare blankly at the surface and question myself further. Like, "What the hell am I doing?", and "Should I just give up?" among others.

Y'know, I could always abandon the girls right now. I mean, it really wouldn't be that hard. Wait for them to kill all the Snow Sprites, then quickly fly back to town with the bots to cash the quest in and leave town before they can make it back. After that, I'll be free from having to risk exposing myself to anybody else ever again. It'll just be me and my robot army against the world, like it's always been.

Yeah…yeah, that could work- -

"Meep!"

I begrudgingly lifted my face off the cold hard ground only to be met with black beady eyes. The Snow Sprite hovered in front of me with the curiosity of a cat.

Without thinking ( **what a shock** ), I tried to smack it down to the ground to get it to stop looking at me. I failed, of course, and the damn thing floated away as fast as it could, likely scared out of its wits.

Call it an instance of petty rage, but I wasn't going to let a smug cotton ball get away after seeing me at my lowest point.

I pulled myself up and quickly unsheathed my short sword with newfound energy. Using this momentary spike in adrenaline, I chased the Snow Sprite as it constantly squeaked in what I assumed was terror once it realized it was being hunted. The thought of which actually made me feel a tiny bit better, even if it only lasted for a short while.

I ended up chasing the Snow Sprite to the edge of the frozen pond, but before it could hide in the woods, I cut it cleanly down the middle with one downward slice. The blade went through the wimpy creature like a hot knife through butter, and I was rewarded with the sound of it crying in pain before it vanished into thin air.

Once the deed was done, I got hit with a wave of lethargy so intense, it made me fall to my hands and knees. At least the snow at the pond's edge broke my fall this time around.

What was wrong with me? I've been nothing but tired, angry, and apparently fucking bloodthirsty these past two weeks. It has to be because the weather's mean gray and miserable lately, right? It has to be…

"Woah-ho-hooo! Okay, Jack, I see you over there! You got the moves like it's nobody's business! Who knew you of all people could make a perfect figure-eight? And with those bulky tennis rackets on your feet no less?"

For a second there, I didn't notice the girls were trying to pointlessly make conversation with me yet again. It seems Aqua was using my figure-skating as a springboard. I hadn't even realize I was doing anything super fancy while chasing that damn Snow Sprite before collapsing. Stranger still, they didn't seem nearly as concerned about me now as they were prior to the mission. Guess they mistook my moment of internal dread as simply being winded from the exercise.

"Jack truly is a man full of surprises," said Darkness, hoisting a paralyzed Megumin. "It's yet another trait of his that makes him unique from the mundane slew of today's adventurers."

"What she said!" added the immobilized mage on her back.

All three grouped together, grinning ear to ear, randomly blurting out encouraging comments for something insignificant in the grand scheme of things? Yeah, no, I'm not putting up with the pity praise anymore. At this point I'd rather they be honest and insult me upfront instead of hiding behind fake smiles in a ploy to lower my guard.

"…ack.."

I knew getting too close to these people was a mistake. I should've ditched the blue bitch from the start and live out the rest of my life as my own man.

"J….K..!"

Did I learn nothing from my epiphany in Hong Kong? I promised myself I wouldn't let this happen again and here I am doing exactly that! Man, fuck humans: robots are all I ever need! Why do I always open myself up to random people I don't know? The only road that ever leads down to is Betrayal Highway, shortly followed by Rejection Street and Pain Avenue...

"JACK!"

"WHAT THE DO YOU WANT YOU – !?"

Darkness cut me off from what was going to be a vulgar remark by shoving me behind her back with her blade drawn.

When I glanced back at the spot she was previously standing in, the only people left there where Aqua and Megumin, both of whom were kneeling on each other. How the hell did that woman traverse through 9-inch snow so quickly like that?

Well, the answer to my question was the least of my worries as a blizzard appeared without warning.

"He's here!" I heard Darkness shout, followed by the sound of her sword unsheathing.

When the blizzard let up, everybody, including the bots, stopped to gawk at our new visitor: a large, bulky man made entirely out of ice and garbed in traditional samurai armor (also made of ice). As a white furry cape fluttered behind him, crystal blue eyes lit up from underneath his helmet and he let out a noise that sounded like a mix between a low groan and a hiss.

What is it with giant frozen monsters barging into my life!? First the scary German snowman, now this ice samurai! "Most wonderful time of the year" my ass!

"Jack!"

I whipped my head back around to address the main source of all my problems post Hong Kong.

"What is it, Aqua? I think the ice guy is more important than you!"

She gave me another one of her fugly glares before asking, quite randomly I might add, "You used to live in Japan, right?"

Was she seriously trying to get to know me _now_ of all times!?

"What? No, I lived in America then moved to China; I've only visited Japan once. Why are you asking me this?"

Aqua scrunched her face (almost like she wasn't expecting that kind of answer) but continued regardless.

"Really? I coulda sworn your paperwork said you…Never mind – in Japan, there's a classic saying that's occasionally brought up in weather forecasts this time of year. Not only is he the lord of Snow Sprites, but he is also the very embodiment of a harsh winter..."

She looked me square in the eye, face locked on to mine.

"Spicer, meet the Winter Shogun himself."

Meanwhile, an easily horny Crusader was being backed up two JackBots units ready to attack when necessary.

"I can't believe it…The Winter Shogun: the only sapient monster to have a spot on Belzerg's Most Wanted! Oh, there's no doubt this beast will use his position as a military dictator to shame a subordinate like me. I may be able to resist, but who knows for how long~?"

Darkness' hot, steamy breath was easily distinguishable in the cold air. The bots beside her made those whirring sounds they make to express audible concern. Whether it was from the provided description of the enemy or the perv's ill-timed "fantasies" was anybody's guess.

The shogun brandished a katana made of ice and – within a nanosecond – appeared right in front of Darkness. With speed that made Beldia seem like a turtle in retrospect, he cleanly sliced the blade of her weapon off its hilt, making it land in the snow with a soft thud.

There was no way in hell the bots could react to _that_ in time, even with their advanced targeting systems! That's why they remained hovering in place, patiently waiting for their opponent who's already moved to make a move; they've been virtually softlocked by a computational error!

"M-my sword!?"

Also, I think that might've been the very first time I heard Darkness sound somewhat afraid instead of aroused. This revelation did nothing to quell the stress and anxiety already pent up inside; it only added fuel to the fire.

The Winter Shogun exuded a gust of frosty wind from its closed mouth, a warning sign for us to back off, maybe?

I glanced back at Aqua, silently pleading her to do something. My robots won't be able to help me out now, not while they're busy rebooting themselves.

I also noticed that Megumin was clever enough to play dead when the situation started to look grim. If only I were so lucky and stayed dead the first time, then I wouldn't be up shit's creek without a paddle.

"Fairies like Snow Sprites tap into the subconscious thoughts of humans and take on a form best suited for their survival. You may be the only American I've had to reincarnate, but I've sent a ton of dead Asians to this world. I'll bet some Japanese kid must've had an overactive imagination for this to happen."

As Aqua spat out an unwanted exposition dump, she abandoned her net and held up a jar containing at least half a dozen captive Snow Sprites.

"But it's okay, the Winter Shogun can be reasoned with! If we release his kin and apologize, he might overlook this."

She unscrewed the lid and the sickeningly cheery balls of living snow floated away into the sky, warbling all the way. The frosty beast looked up at the Snow Sprites and his eyes shined in what I can imagine was curiosity.

That's when the stuck-up bitch of a goddess who held herself in the highest regards did something I never thought imaginable:

She bowed down and actually apologized.

"Jack, what are you doing just standing there?" Aqua frantically whispered. "Prostrate yourself so we can be forgiven!"

This was all too much to take in one go. I needed a moment to think.

"You too, Darkness! You have to prostrate yourself before the shogun, it's the only way!"

My eyes lazily directed themselves back to the girl standing defiantly in front of me.

"I'm sorry, but even if there is no one around to witness it, I cannot allow myself to bow before a monster. It goes against everything I was taught about being a Crusader…"

I put two and two together and forcibly shoved her face into the ground in a sloppy attempt to make her bow in submission.

"Think about saving our skin already! Now is not the time to be noble, now is the time to be cowardly!"

"G-get your hands off of me! You're shoving my face into the cold snow! Ahhh~ Your grip is so strong. A-and the ground is so cold; so cold that it burns my cheek. Ahhh, what a reward~"

Don't think about it, Jack, just don't think about it. Think about dead puppies instead…No, wait, ah damn it! That's just making me more upset than I already am!

Suddenly, Aqua screamed something at me in either Chinese or Japanese before switching it in a language I understand.

"Your sword, PUT IT DOWN!"

Oh crap. In all the excitement, I forgot to lower my weapon.

Now, I may not work well under pressure, but I'm also no stranger in these do-or-die type situations. Which is why the best (and only) course of action was to try and block the incoming attack. To my surprise, it kinda worked: despite the Winter Shogun's insane speed, I was quick enough to preemptively deflect his slash attack with my short sword. Of course, that meant my blade met the same fate as Dark's blade, so, in the end, I only prolonged the inevitable.

That's when I heard a chilling howl, followed by a pain that could best described as getting socked in the stomach by the Fist of Tebigong. I felt a rush of air swim past me along with a sharp spike in the pain before everything finally went black.

* * *

The first thing I did was jolt straight up and scream bloody murder. But, in my pitiful defense to preserve whatever scrap of dignity I had left, I did just immediately jump back into consciousness after…however long I perceived I was out for.

Once I was through with my mini-panic attack, I noticed I was back in a familiar black realm with a light mist covering a tiled floor.

"The Ying-Yang World…?"

No, scratch that, there aren't any floating Chinese characters. I'm back in that purgatory-like place where I met Aqua after I died.

Ahead of me sat a startled-looking robed nun. Great, as if I weren't already in the red for masculinity points.

Anyway, she radiated that same, hard-to-explain divine aura that Aqua initially had, further supporting my situation. Once the initial shock wore off, the heavenly women spoke in a voice smooth as honey.

"Greetings, Jack Spicer. It is a, uh, pleasure to finally make your acquaintance."

Something about this figure was familiar. It was on the tip of my tongue.

"Wait, wait, wait, don't tell me. Uuuhhh…Eris, right? The goddess they named the Fantasy World's money after?"

She sheepishly scratched her cheek and smiled bashfully. "Yes, that would be me. Though I do wish they didn't sensationalize my name like that. It's a bit excessive, not to mention embarrassing."

Don't know what's so embarrassing about having a unit of currency named after you. Heck, that's something I should do for when I take over the planet.

Making a mental note for later, I took a moment to survey my surroundings a second time over. That's when I put two and two together.

"Wait a minute…if I'm here talking to you, does that mean I…?"

I trailed off, partially to let Eris finish for me and partially because I didn't want to admit it myself. Surprisingly, however, the goddess waved her hands in a panic and corrected my assumption.

"Oh, no, no, no, no – you are terribly mistaken! You haven't passed away! At least…not officially."

"Define 'not officially'."

"It's a rather complicated affair. You see, your mortal body has suffered a great deal of physical trauma, so much so that your soul, to put simply, is threatening to depart with it. As we speak, upper management is going through the paperwork to figure out if it's severe enough to be warranted. If not, then you will return to the living and with almost no recollection of our little meeting. The most you'll probably remember is seeing a light at the end of a tunnel for a brief period."

"Huh, did not realize Heaven had its form of bureaucracy to jump hoops through."

Eris sighed, "Yes, it is simply an inescapable facet of the cosmos. But it has to be done anyway. On the bright side, I'd say your chances of living are very high! My senior is renowned for her healing powers, so she should have you back up and conscious in no time!"

Her senior? Oh, she must be talking about Aqua. I kinda forgot Eris was technically her junior. How that idiot managed to climb the pearly white corporate ladder, I'll never know. She must've had connections, that's the only way I can see that happening.

"I can sense you're not too thrilled to hear me mention Aqua."

Am I really that easy to read?

Eris continued, "I've been peeking in from time to time, checking on your progress towards defeating the Devil King. You've accomplished so much since being reincarnated into that world! But I couldn't help but notice your discomfort regarding the allies you've befriended…Do you want to talk about it?"

"What is this, an interrogation!?"

The peeping Tom of a goddess frantically waved her hands in a defensive manner. " _Eep!_ Now now, calm down, calm down! This isn't like that at all! Please, do understand, it was not my intention to make you feel uneasy and I'm terribly sorry for making you think that. Sometimes getting stuff off your chest can be therapeutic. Since this is a safe place, I figured you'd want someone to lend an out, you know?"

"Yeah, well…that still doesn't excuse the spying on me part! It was bad enough thinking a red fat man was doing it while I slept, I don't need you to fill that role."

Blushing, Eris bowed her head to me.

"I know. I'm sorry. I promise I didn't see anything graphic."

Seeing a mature lady like her becoming deeply ashamed and apologizing did kinda help tone down the overwhelming pressure. Maybe it is okay for me to relax- -

SHIT – I'M MAKING THE SAME MISTAKE AGAIN!

"Well, either way, I don't have to tell you a damn thing! If you're anything like your moronic blue-haired boss, you'll probably use whatever I say as leverage over me or, or, or something! My lips are sealed!"

"Wait, do you not trust Aqua-sama?"

…I really am easy to read.

"Jack, please, I know it must be hard for you to accept, but you can trust me. If I were to hold whatever you say in confidence against you, I would be no better than all those **pitiful, disgusting lifeforms that call themselves the undead.** Besides, you won't even remember our little meeting here after you return to the living. So please, let me be your shoulder to cry on. I insist."

Uuuuhhhh...Okaaaay then. We're just gonna pretend that hateful aside regarding the undead never happened and move on. Although that voice was probably going to make a comeback in my nightmares…

As much as I hate to admit it though, she made a valid point. I won't remember any of this anyway, so why not vent about my problems to something other than a machine. Besides, what's a goddess like her really going to with this information? Even if there was something, she has the ability to extract it by spying on me, so there's no sense in withholding it from her. Might as well go for it.

"Alright, where do I begin?"

I sighed and, against my better judgement, spoke what was on my mind.

"I'm born as a freaky albino with rich snobs for parents who aren't observant enough to realize there's something's wrong. Then, I die and come to another world expecting to have a fun adventure like in the Odyssey or Beowulf or some shit. Instead, I get stuck with indentured servitude, crippling debt, and a dysfunctional party of crazy chicks. _Gah_ – don't even get me started on them!"

Too late, I already got started, the bottle was opening up big time. I lifted a finger for each mention of a teammate.

"First, there's that useless blue goddess who prattles on and on about how powerful she is but doesn't have the brains to back up that mouth of hers. Then, I get paired up with a little wizard girl who thinks she's the Second Coming of Christ or whatever and can only use one spell before being rendered immobile. Oh, and let's not forget about that weirdo Crusader who's got the accuracy of a Stormtrooper and the libido of a rabbit. And that's coming from a teenaged boy! I thought _I_ could get horny, but that woman takes it to a whole nother level."

Even though I technically wasn't breathing in this limbo state, I instinctually took a breath before ranting further.

"On top of it all, I've had way too many 'partners' in my previous life who were quick to betray me at the drop of a hat! Granted, I was hanging out with the wrong crowd, but I'm also a part of that crowd so what can you do? Regardless, I thought I'd always share a certain villainous comradery with all my other teams back then. Time sure has a harsh way of proving me wrong there. So excuse me if I don't exactly trust my newest party of misfits."

Eris merely gazed at me with a crestfallen face. That's when I felt something wet trickle down from below my lower eyelid. I wiped it with my finger only to discover more tears pooling out of my eyes. How annoying.

"Aw, god damn it, why am I like this…?"

As I trying my hardest to push back the floodgates, there was a sudden moment of calm within my mind. Even though my knuckles were whitening and my eyes were burning, I felt this pacifying presence right in front of me along with delicate hands securing my temples. They were warm, like clothes fresh out of the dryer.

"There, there," hushed Eris. "Quell those negative thoughts, lest they forever imprison you. It brings me great pain to see young souls become tormented by their own minds. You are not the first, and you will certainly not be the last. But I can assure you that your new friends are nothing like those fake ones you've had a falling out with."

Eris removed her hands from my temples and stepped back as she explained her reasoning to me.

"I know Lady Aqua can be rather troublesome around others – doubly so for me – but she ultimately means well. She'll forgive and accept anyone in spite of their past mistakes or imperfections. The little Crimson Demon, Megumin, has faced great difficulty fitting into a party before she found you. She is graciously indebted to you for that, you know. As for Darkness…well…"

Glancing from side to side in a sneaky manner, Eris motioned with her finger for me to lean in closer, which I did. Once I was within listening range, she dropped an unexpected truth bomb.

"She was once an incredibly sad and lonely lady."

_That_ called for a double take on my end. Given her kink for humiliation and whatnot, I found that bit of insider knowledge hard to believe; she'd probably get a kick out of being alone and ignored.

"What!? Okay, now I know you're yanking my chain."

Eris shook her head. "I made an oath before the Council of Heaven never to tell lies to my clients. Unless there is a miscommunication from upper management, it is practically impossible for us gods to deceive you. So when I say Darkness was once lonely in her life, I mean it. Every day she would visit an Axis Sect. church and pray to me for a friend. So, I created a human alter ego to conceal my divine aura and became her first real friend. Then I introduced her to you and your party. The rest, as they say, is history."

Wait a minute, something doesn't add up here. If what she says is to be believed, then how could she have been the one to introduce me to Darkness when this is the first time I've met her. Unless she was actually…

"…Chris?"

She winked playfully.

"…So that time I scared her out of her money by threatening to drop her in the air…that was you?"

She nodded, a smirk beginning to form on her face.

"…I'm going to Hell, aren't I?"

I almost fell out of my seat when she abruptly started laughing. The goddess/thief was holding onto her sides like her life depended on it as she couldn't control herself. I think I even heard a snort or two in there.

Eventually, she managed to subdue her laughter to just a few giggles before talking again.

"No, honey, no, I wouldn't dare be so petty. Everyone does stupid things, including me. But I had to play the part of a charming thief at the time, so you can't really blame me~"

Wow, who knew a goddess as formal as her would have cheeky side to her.

Eris switched back over to her more professional personality and put her hand on my shoulder.

"Spicer-san, even though you won't remember our discussion, while you're here with me, please tear down the walls you built around yourself. You're in a safe support group now. They care for you, and they're not going to betray you in any way. I promise…"

There was still so much on my mind, I couldn't get the words out straight. Confusion and denial composed the majority of my thoughts and I wanted to get them out, but my time was up. Before I knew it, I was being lifted into the air accompanied by magic sparkles as some kind of portal opened up above me.

"Ah, it seems your soul's request for early leave has been denied. I have no doubt Aqua-sama's healing abilities had something to do with that. Take care, young one! Learn to open yourself up to others more!"

"No, wait, put me back! I'm not done here! I still have so much stuff I want to say - - !"

A bright light began to envelop me, and Eris' tender smile was the last thing I was going to see or remember before going back against my will.

…I better not be going soft in this new world.

* * *

"Jack, please wake up! JACK!"

Megumin's cries ripped me out of my peaceful sleep and pulled me back into frozen reality. Oxygen immediately rushed back into my working lungs, nearly putting me into a coughing fit. I felt the back of my head rest on something soft and warm to balance out the ungodly temperature of 0 degrees Celsius.

Snapping my eyes wide open, I was met with the faces of Aqua, Megumin, and Darkness all gazing down at me in a tight circle.

"Oh good, you're finally awake," stated Aqua, who I just now realized was using her thighs as a pillow for me. "Honestly, that Eris can be so uptight about the rules."

My newly breathing lungs were soon compromised as the Archwizard and Crusader latched onto my waist and hugged me like the world depended on it. Aqua's usual condescending face was gazing down on me – no doubt planning to use this moment as teasing material for later – and she patted my forehead as she spoke.

"Well, don't just lay there blushing, say something already~ I performed a small miracle, bringing you back to life and all. Don't you have anything to say in return? C'mon, what do we saaaay~?"

"…I'm sorry."

"Uh, wait, what was that?"

I broke down, I couldn't help it. That noxious black cloud I'd been keeping to myself for so long finally came out in full force. Everything became a messy blur; seconds dragged on for minutes and my rationale was disregarded altogether. I covered my face and repeatedly slurred the phrase "I'm sorry", my immediate defense mechanism in life. This went beyond humiliation for me, and I desperately wanted to shrink into nothingness.

So consider me internally shocked when the girls sat me up and placed me in the middle of a group hug.

They quietly encouraged me to let it all out, so I did. I cried and cried until my tear ducts couldn't produce anymore tears. When I was deprived the privilege of crying, I took to sniveling and whimpering like a baby. But instead of taking the opportunity to degrade me in my vulnerable position, the only thing they retaliated with was soft hushes and a tighter group hug.

Man, I did not realize just how _badly_ I needed this until now.

Despite the emotional roller coaster seemingly lasting two lifetimes, it screeched to halt once I began showing signs of fatigue and exhaustion. As much as I wanted to continue on and not think about anything forever, I knew my body was losing steam and fast. I feebly controlled my breathing while meeting the gang's eyes halfway, too embarrassed to look at them face to face.

"There, there, Jack," soothed Aqua as she rubbed my head. "It's alright, we're not going anywhere."

I saw Megumin doing her best to rub away dried tear stains before nodding in agreement. "Y-yeah, we're not leaving. We're like family, a-and family sticks together, even in the hardest of times!"

YesBot's said similar things like that to me too. But I think this is the first I'm hearing it come from an actual human being.

"Sorry- -"

Darkness cut me off, "And that's the other thing: quit saying you're sorry already. You have absolutely nothing to apologize for. In fact, if there's anybody who should be apologizing, it's me. I knew beforehand the risks associated with Snow Sprite kill quests, yet I chose not to address it. And look where that almost got you…"

The look of utter despair on Dark's face almost mirrored my own. Now it feels like my chest got struck with a harpoon.

"Not anymore," the blonde knight muttered to herself. "Hence forth, I shall double my efforts to ensure my party's security. More weight training, more endurance tests, and more honesty amongst my friends..."

Megumin timidly asked, "So, um, Jack? Now that you've finally had a chance to get that all out of your system, would please tell us why you've been so depressed? We're here for you. You can tell us anything."

This is it, the moment I've been dreading the most. The girls waited for an answer, and I have a sinking feeling that I can't just brush them off like before.

"Well, er, I'm not exactly sure why. I guess I've just been struck with a bad case of the winter blues, ya know? I mean, winter is kind of a depressing time of the year: crappy weather, cold temperature, too dark too early. This isn't the first time this has happened to me. Drastic seasonal changes can be a real bitch and a half – oops, pardon my French."

It was a harmless half-truth, okay!? Winter always makes me feel like shit. I may not be totally comfortable spilling my innermost thoughts to people, but at least now I'm filling them in somewhat.

Thankfully, the girls were smart enough to agree and said how that made sense; it was often normal for people to feel down during the season. Well, there's one less weight off my shoulders.

Megumin snapped me out of my thoughts by assessing my wellbeing.

"How are you right now? Do you feel any better yet?"

"Oh! Uh, y-yeah. Yeah, I think I got most of it out of my system now. I definitely feel a lot more level-headed than before. Although I can't recall much after I got…Wait, what happened to me again?"

"You got knocked out by the Winter Shogun, sir."

Looking past the girls huddled next to me, I finally took notice of one of my JackBot units: JB-B2U1532 to be exact.

"We rebooted in time to see you get punched into a tree. While your partners and I rushed to your aid, the rest of Attack Squad Sigma engaged with the enemy. They attempted to lure the monster far away into the woods with suppressive fire."

JB-B2U1532 opened up his claws to reveal a small pile of chips and loose motherboards.

"They succeeded, but at a cost. I was able to salvage their emotion chips and a few other vital components. It may not be much, but I know you'll have an easier time rebuilding them with these still intact."

I was left speechless as B2U1532 dumped the bits into my palms. Like, damn, I knew I made their chips sturdy and all, but they were still in pristine condition. Usually I'd have to repair them or throw them out altogether. Could this have something to do with these ones being composed out of the metal of the Sacred Sword Gram? I'll have to look into this when I get home. Speaking of which:

"H-hey, guys?"

Aqua, Meg, and Dark turned to me inquisitively.

"Um, do you think we can call it a day and head back to town? I've had enough excitement for one day."

They all gave understanding smiles back my way.

In the end, we only made off with 800,000 eris for the Snow Sprite kill quest. Other than that one I sliced up, Megumin was the only one in our group who actually got any with her Explosion spell, and even then she only managed to incinerate seven for some reason. Could've gotten a better deal, but I won't complain; at least we won't go hungry for a while.

And during that while, for inexplicable reasons, I felt pretty good about myself for a change…

The evil kind of good! Suck it winter, Jack Spicer is back to his bad self again!


	13. Intermission: Chase Young

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Meanwhile, back on Earth, a little birdie has a message that will cause a domino effect unlike any other.

“- -and after I rightfully called him out on it, the little runt decided _that_ was worth debating me on! Out of all the other times he could’ve grown a backbone too! Honestly, I will never understand that boy’s unhealthy obsession with machines…”

Wuya was finally nearing the end of her miserable tirade. Up until now, my day had been relatively calm and peaceful in the absence of that witch: a balanced breakfast to start the morning, martial arts practice in the afternoon, and some light reading with a bowl of Lao Mang Lone Soup to pass the evening. All without the ringing shrills of the Heylin magic-user.

It was no secret she had sneaked out of my liar last week to regain some sense of control; I have Wuya wrapped tightly around my finger, and she knows this uncomfortably well. However, I allowed it under the notion that she would be far too handicapped to be of any significant threat to my domain. When I revived her back into her physical body, I made sure to stunt her world-ending powers early on in the ritual. If I hadn’t, she would be almost as unstoppable as Hannibal (not to mention twice as annoying).

Besides, the moment I found out Wuya partnered with Spicer again, I anticipated her inevitable return.

However, much to my chagrin, I did not anticipate the exact _time_ she would return. As such, what was supposed to be an hour long meditation before bed turned into an all night endurance test of listening to the witch rant while restraining myself from strangling her. Right now, meditating was the only thing standing between Wuya and my beast form.

Although, I did take the time to listen carefully to her words (not that I had much of a choice). And in that time, I formulated all my thoughts and laid them out bare for Wuya. She held me verbally hostage, it was only fair that I returned the favor.

“If you are quite finished with your ramblings, I would say you yourself have an unhealthy obsession.”

“Oh goddammit Chase – if this is about my thing for Shen Gong Wu again, I’ll have you know- -“

Having had enough of her words, I allowed myself a peek at Wuya with my reptilian eye, letting the prey know the apex predator was speaking now.

“That is **not** what I am referring to. I am referring to your disturbing fixation on that idiotic worm.”

Naturally, Wuya was taken aback by the truth of my words; it was clear just how ill-equipped she was to face that accusation. Even so, in her arrogance, she tried to play dumb.

“Who? Jack? Surely you don’t mean Jack.”

I pressed the issue further. It was high time for the Heylin witch to come back to her senses already.

“As a matter of fact, I do. Don’t think I haven’t noticed how much time you’ve spent with the insect, I have eyes and ears everywhere. Not only that, but you talk about him at great lengths if your previous rant was anything to go by. Even if it’s just to make a passing insult, you can’t seem to go more than 24 hours without mentioning him in some capacity. Hell, you’re beginning to chatter just as incessantly as the damn boy!”

Wuya predictably gawked and stuttered much in the same manner as Spicer himself. It’s almost hard to believe this was the very same ungodly force who opposed Grand Master Dashi long ago.

“W-well, I…I only partner with the twerp because he’s the easiest to manipulate! You and I both know how gullible he is!”

“True, but that contradicts what you said earlier about him challenging your authority before you came crawling back here in defeat.”

“…Honestly, I never expected you to fully listen to all my harping.”

I sighed, rubbing my mildly aching temples. “Believe me, I wish that were the case.”

Before the red-haired sorceress could defend herself with another poorly constructed argument, I cut her off with finality etched into my tone.

“That boy has made you soft, Wuya. You’ve grown sentimental over him and I will not allow this. Don’t ever make contact with Spicer again unless it is under my orders.”

Of course, as obstinate as ever, she resisted. “I am not some teenaged girl for you to ground, ‘daddy’. If I want to visit Jack by my own volition then I will!”

“But why?”

Wuya made a motion like she was going to snap back but faltered. There was no chance for her to change the subject now, time to weed out what I suspected to be the root of the problem.

“If you detest him like I do, then why are you so fascinated with him?”

“…Don’t do this to me, Young.”

“Why do you insist on checking up on him every other week?”

“I no longer wish to talk about this.”

“And _why_ does it seem as though you can never take your mind off of him!?”

The Heylin witch’s sickly green eyes glowed vehemently as small but potent dark voids of energy manifested in her palms. A far cry from the fullest extent of her powers, but still nothing to scoff at. However, it wasn’t enough for me to feel threatened despite the clear intention behind it. Wuya wouldn’t dare be foolish enough to attack another immortal in her current state, especially not within the bowels of his inner sanctum.

“Instead of making vague accusations, how about you just tell me exactly what _you_ think any of this means? Before I make you…”

Then again, she does have her foolish moments. The insect’s influence must be rubbing off on her.

Might as well rip the band-aid off now.

“Is it because he reminds you of Ju-Long?”

As someone who has walked this Earth longer than he can remember, not much can get through to me these days. But even I felt a small chill run down my spine the moment that forbidden name slipped past my lips. Although, my reaction paled in comparison to the woman standing before me.

Long gone was the malice in Wuya’s eyes, and the vile spells contained in her hands dissipated as soon as I mentioned _his_ name to her. Her complexion turned pale while her mouth tried to form any kind of sound it could.

Eventually, though, she managed to spit this out: “My…my b-baby boy?”

I will have to tread lightly here; saying the wrong thing now will trigger a violent reaction unlike any other. Hell hath no fury like an immortal, grieving mother.

“Wuya…It’s been over 1,500 years…”

The conflicted woman physically backed off, eyes glowing and hardening once more. Her ginger hair also had a mind of its own as its tendrils rose behind her head like the very real Medusa herself.

“Spare me your pity, reptile! You sided with those same Xiaolin dogs who killed my flesh and blood! How I failed to vaporize you along with Guan and Dashi both eludes and haunts me still!”

I took a bold step forward. “I told you, I had nothing to do with the accident! Master Monk Guan and Grand Master Dashi never told me what happened on the day they went to visit your village.”

“Oh, ‘visit’? Is that how they phrased their attempted kidnapping? Cute. Those lying bastards tried to take my son away from me so they could indoctrinate him into the Xiaolin Temple!”

What!?

I blinked in surprise at her incriminating words. The Xiaolin Order…the sect I was once a proud member of…stooped as low as attempted kidnap of Wuya’s heir? The old village the witch conquered long ago may have been illegitimate, but its sole authority had been fair (if not cold) to her subjects and was amicable to the Xiaolin. So why would Guan and Dashi break the good relations built up with the pseudo-state over a radical decision? It doesn’t make sense!

No, there is something being kept under wraps by the heads of Xiaolin, and I plan to get to the bottom of this.

Focus, Chase. Right now you must attempt to console Wuya, as repulsive as that may sound. Granted, the both of us have lost our touch with our humanity over the eons, but she won’t serve me any good in this state. The least I can do is explain myself.

“Wuya, as…disturbing as this revelation is, I can assure you that I had no involvement in that tragedy. To confess, I was beginning to question the Xiaolin for quite some time and being left in the dark about this only furthered my suspicions. Then that accursed bean approached me and…well, you know the rest.”

The initial hostility present within the spell-caster seemed to die down slightly after that. She even managed to gain back some of her former sardonic attitude with her following response.

“You mean how you were doped by an evil legume to become his apprentice only to later betray him once you figured it out? Yeah, you practically sing it in the shower at this point.”

Mildly undignified though it might’ve been, her sarcastic remark did earn a chuckle out of me.

“I suppose it would be in my best interest to let go of what’s already been done.”

Realizing the embedded truth in my own words, I decided to apply the same sentiment to Wuya in the hopes of getting her to move on from her turbulent past.

“And I believe you should as well.” Wuya was about to cut me off again, but I held up my hand as I continued, “That is not to say you should forget about Ju-Long entirely or pretend the incident never happened. Repressing those memories will only lead you down the path of self-destruction. All I ask is that you practice letting go of the pain and turmoil of that day so you can further better yourself in the future. We may live until Sol consumes this miserable rock, but I’d say it’s about time we start living our unending lives to the fullest.”

Confident of my speech’s impact, I placed a hand on the sorceress’ shoulder as a means of affirming my words.

“And that shall begin with the fall of the Xiaolin Order as the forces of Heylin become the dominating superpower of the world!”

As I had calculated, my little pep talk had reached through to Wuya, and an internal crisis was swiftly averted. While I do stand by what I said to her, I never did it out of genuine care for the witch, but rather to reinforce her loyalty to me. I’ve about had it with her habitual conspiracy over those she allies with. This will be the first step in reconditioning her to put me before herself.

“ _Ah-hahahaha!_ Yes, well, I guess a broken clock is right twice a day. It won’t be easy, but when is losing your only son ever easy?”

“So long as you keep him close in your sick and twisted heart, you’ll always have him. No sense in forsaking your past, but if it’s one that causes you strife, it’s best to move on rather than let it shackle you forever.”

“Which in our case is quite literal.”

“…Indeed.”

For once, the universe offered a blissful distraction from the omnipresent existential awareness of our situation as a crow flew into my private chambers. However, this was no ordinary species of avian, for as soon as it landed it shapeshifted into one of the many fallen warriors I have bested over the course of human history. He kneeled before addressing me.

“Mighty warlord Chase Young, I bring to you an urgent report from the Xiaolin temple.”

“What have you discovered, Alexander the Great?”

The former king of Macedon faltered for a moment, likely not expecting me to address him by his legendary title. Despite asserting my dominance over him in the final days of his military campaign through Western Asia, he still proved to be a worthy opponent. It was only customary to at least honor his legacy by indulging in him a little.

“Ah! Yes! I was spying on the temple as you requested when I spotted one of the minions of Spicer approach the entrance.”

“One of Jack’s robots?” Wuya inquired.

“Quite. It resembled a man with shiny hair, golden like the sun, and it wore black clothing befitting of royalty.”

Wuya and I looked to each blankly.

“YesBot..”

“Err, yes, well, I overhead it conversing with the four Xiaolin Monks and their master. It informed them all that its own master had been killed while saving a life. Jack Spicer is among the dead now.”

All the color from Wuya’s face drained in an instant. She had to sit down on the foot of my bed to prevent herself from stumbling backwards. I let it slide.

“So, natural selection has finally run its course then. Anything else?”

“The Monks’ master announced that their training would be put off until further notice. If I may add my own thoughts onto the matter, I would say he is giving his pupils time to grieve and mourn.”

Satisfied with the report, I dismissed Alexander as he morphed back into his lion form and returned to rest with the other cats in my lair.

Glancing back at Wuya, I silently cursed to myself. As soon as I pull her out one slump, something else comes along to put her right back at square one. And it just so happens to involve the death of the boy she projects her son onto. Damn it.

While I care not for Jack’s short end, I must admit that the news of his passing did come off as somewhat of a surprise for me. Even still, however, the fact that he died committing a heroic deed doesn’t shock me in the slightest. As much as the idiot liked to brag, he was never evil; he wouldn’t know evil if it had enslaved his entire family and tortured him without reason. I am relieved to finally see the pest gone.

And yet…in a cruel twist of irony, I find myself envious of him. He was able to achieve the sweet freedom I and many other immortals crave. As his very essence departs from this plane of existence, I will remain stranded until the end of time.

Even if I were to somehow find his repulsive advances inviting, it would never work between us. The love shared between mortals and immortals is a romanticized impossibility. Only heartbreak awaits for the ones who cannot die…I should know.

Get it together, warrior. There are more important things to focus on than gross hypotheticals with horny adolescents. There’s still the matter of the Heylin witch sitting on my bed, holding back a torrent of emotions. I need to find a way to get her out of this depression and move on already.

“Prepare yourself. We’re heading for the temple. Our enemies are in a vulnerable state, it would be foolish to pass on this opportunity.”

She bolted straight up, “You CAN’T be serious! We’re attacking NOW!?”

Before exiting my room to ready myself for combat, I left Wuya with only a question for her to ponder.

"What would Ju-Long want?”

Whether she comes or not is all dependent on her. Whatever she chooses, she will have to stand by it no matter what. And with that, I left her to her thoughts.

I was off to get some answers.


	14. Spicer's Mansion 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Being bored and cold is a recipe for disaster. So Jack ends up killing two birds with one stone during a fateful visit to Wiz, where he gets the opportunity to move into a mansion! But there's a catch: he has to flush out ALL the ghosts haunting it before he and his gang can have it. But he's had to put up with Wuya before, so how hard can that be?

Bad lord, who knew living in a high-fantasy, video gamey world could be so BORING!? Well, actually, no, I've always had my doubts about living the rest of my life here.

I mean, think about it: I'm stuck on a backwater planet so far behind on the Kardashev scale, it's lollygagging in the negative numbers! The culprit behind this? A global foundation built upon magic instead of science. That means local tech is either brain-numbingly simplistic or powered by the occult (which pretty much does all the work really). As such, there's no internet or TV to speak of.

Lemme tell ya, if I weren't so motivated to become this world's hottest new Devil Queen, I would've asked to be reborn back on Earth as like a monkey or something. At least then I'd be an animal who knows how to stave off boredom in the wild.

I know I can use my trans-dimensional network router to access the internet and pirate virtually anything back home, but the download time takes _triple_ the amount of time thanks to being in a parallel universe. Learned that the hard way when I went to transfer Attack Squad Sigma's memory files from my evil lair's computer. Same thing goes for trying to redownload any of my PC games. But I think I should hold off on those until my gaming setup gets expanded.

Seriously, I have got to move out of those stables soon…

Anyway, all of that is only part of the problem if you can believe it. See, the whole "magical aesthetic" as Aqua calls it doesn't really do it for me personally. I've been jaded to it way before I even showed up here. Discovering magic on Earth was mind-blowing at first but a few dozen rounds of getting my butt kicked over mystical knickknacks made it lose its charm real quick.

I once even had a 20 foot tall cyclops working for me for a bit. Wasn't nearly as great as it sounds.

With literally nothing else going on for me at the moment, I resigned to rebuilding the JackBots that got trashed by the Winter Shogun. After that, I went ahead and built some entirely new bots from scratch just for the heck of it. That is, until I couldn't use Sandbox Mode anymore because my mana meter ran out and I had no potions left to spare.

Since building robots was the only thing keeping me going insane with boredom, I decided to shell out my hard-earned eris and visit Wiz for a resupply. Hopefully none of her mana-restoring potions have a weird defect like taking ten years off my lifespan.

What was supposed to be an uneventful walk in the cold turned into a tagalong misadventure with Aqua who insisted – nay, _demanded_ – on coming with me. Something to do with making sure, "no smelly undead was doing anything unholy," I don't really know or care. She probably had nothing better to do after she got laid off from her part-time job. Seems winter is an even bigger bitch than her.

After meandering through mostly empty streets, we finally made it to front entrance of the lich's shop. But before I had a chance to open the door, Aqua stopped me by grabbing onto my wrist so suddenly.

"Aaaaand you're invading Jack's personal bubble, why?"

"Let's get something straight: having to deal with Wiz is already bad enough, so I don't want you acting up while we do business. We go in, I have some tea, you get whatever you need, and we leave. No causing any unnecessary trouble, understand?"

I gawked at her, yanking my arm free while doing so. Was she really lecturing _me_ on being well behaved? That was wrong on so many levels, and not the good kind of wrong either. Just bad-wrong.

"Well ain't that the pot calling the kettle black! This is coming from the same person who was whining to me the other day about how they threw a tantrum over getting laid off from their job. You have no say on how to act in public, you wannabe goddess."

Said poser almost went off on me like clockwork. However, a smug smirk quickly formed on her face as she placed her hands squarely on her hips: a telltale sign that backsass was imminent.

"Says the fake edge lord who once cried in front of the bakery because the baker man stopped giving him free samples~"

"…Oh yeah? W-well…at least I'm not above sobbing in public! Unlike YOU! Besides, why call them 'free samples' if there's a limit to how many I can have!?"

Aqua's smirk never faltered, nor did her stance. Once again, I was left feeling emasculated by someone more powerful than me. Not that I wasn't already used to it, but I was getting pretty sick of it.

The blue bimbo already stepped inside before I had a chance to retort, forcing me to catch up to her. Even though I was still upset from getting schooled by a stuck-up ditz, I felt immediate satisfaction getting out of the cold and coming into a warm building. There must've been some heat magic going on inside to keep customers toasty during the winter. Smart move on Wiz's part.

Speaking of Wiz, she was stationed behind the counter like always. She seemed to be in the middle of inspecting a bottle of who-knows-what before she noticed us. "Oh – Jack and Lady Aqua! Please, come in, make yourselves at home!"

"Don't have to tell me twice," Aqua muttered while sitting down at the only table this shop could afford. "I'll have my usual. Make sure you wear mittens when serving it this time; I don't want your undead body temperature making my tea cold."

"Y-yes, Lady Aqua! I'll get right on it!"

Just like that, Wiz was rushing into the backroom to brew some tea. Accompanied by a loud crash which made me jump. Other than that, though, this was usually how visits here were conducted.

After Wiz served Aqua her tea (wearing cute purple mittens no less), she was able to direct me to the shelves stocked with mana-restoring potions. The standard brand, of course. She tried to sell me on these "special" potions which could restore magic at the cost of strength, speed, and dexterity, but I declined.

As I selfishly embraced my inner scalper and cleared out her entire stock of only decent items, Wiz said, "By the way, Jack, I know it's old news, but I recently heard about your exploit over Beldia. Did you really defeat him?"

I paused reaching for another bottle when she asked that. I mean…who was I to turn down bragging rights, right?

However, before I took my chance to gloat, Aqua went ahead and ruined it by remarking, "No he didn't, it was a team effort. Well, technically it was 90% me, but still."

"Nuh-uh! I was the one who delivered the finishing blow, remember? I tossed his head into your purification beam thing!"

Aqua doubled downed on her argument. "Yeah, _my_ purification beam thing! So that means _my_ magic got him in the end! Besides, anyone can toss a Dullahan's head; there's no skill in that."

"You kidding? No one can do a mad hook shot like I can!"

Aqua and I glared at each other silently, the tension running thick in the air between us.

Sensing that a domestic dispute was in the making, Wiz stepped in and cleared her throat. "In any case, I'm shocked you were able to beat Beldia at all. Why, even amongst the other generals, he was quite the swordsman. His skills with the blade were second only to the Winter Shogun himself."

Yeah, the JackBots can attest to that. At least when they were fighting Beldia they didn't have to stop and reboot themselves to process how fast he was moving.

Aqua stopped slurping her tea obnoxiously to give Wiz a strange look. Well, an even stranger look than the one she already gives her every time they meet. "Do all you undead have connections with each other or what? Because it sounds an awful lot like you knew him personally."

A gray tinged blush soon formed on the lich's face before she gazed down at the floor in what looked like shame.

"Well…to tell the truth…I am one of the eight generals of the Devil King…"

…

Aqua was already getting ready for battle while I had the bots on speed dial.

"No – WAIT! Please don't kill me!" screamed the general. "I can explain, I CAN EXPLAIN!"

"Then start talkin' before my JackBots go full SWAT team on your shop," I retorted without skipping a beat. Man, I've always wanted to make a cool threat _and_ look badass while doing it!

Nodding her head like crazy, Wiz steadied her breathing before explaining. "You see, while I am technically aligned with the Devil King's Army, I'm really only a general in name. To be classified as a general, you must be strong enough to passively maintain the barrier protecting the Devil King's castle at all times. That's all I do: I maintain the barrier and nothing more. Honest!"

Aqua (who still had murderous intentions written all over her face) cracked her knuckles even further as she took a step towards Wiz.

"So what you're saying is, you're what's stopping us from breaching the Devil King's castle?"

"Yes – I MEAN NO! I mean…it's not that simple," Wiz relented, wringing her hands nervously. "You see, even if you do decide to kill me, which I won't fault you for, you won't be able to get past the barrier with all the other generals still active."

I asked, "Well who else is there?"

The lich looked up to the ceiling as she stuck out a finger for each and every general she named.

"Umm, let's see…You've already defeated Beldia the Dullahan, so that leaves Vanir the Archduke of Hell, Hans the Deadly Poison Slime, Sylvia the Growth Chimera, Wolbach the Dark Goddess, Serena the Dark Priestess, and finally the Devil King's Daughter."

O-oh. So just those guys, huh…? Uuuhhh, yeah, whatever! No big deal! My elite crew of evil warriors will give those posers a run for their- -

Nope, couldn't even buy my own bullshit. Not even in the safety of my thoughts.

Aqua on the other hand…

" _Pfft,_ they don't sound so tough."

I looked at her like she was insane. Ah, who am I kidding – SHE WAS! "One of the generals is literally a dark goddess. How does that not scare you!?"

"You mean Wolbach? Oh please, that hussy's got nothing on me! Besides, my loyal Axis followers sealed her away a long time ago. And even if she did somehow manage to break out after all those years, she'd only be half as powerful as she was before."

"Oh. So what you're saying is, she'd be on your playing level right now?"

A vein bulged on her forehead in an instant. "And what is that supposed to mean!?"

I decided to calm my nerves by helping myself to a spoonful of teasing. "Demigod~"

It was totally worth getting splashed in the face with scalding tea. Okay, partially worth it. Maybe half worth it. Slightly worth it?

Scratch that, the third degree burns were setting in. Definitely _not_ worth it!

* * *

Despite the two of us threatening to kill Wiz just minutes ago, she was surprisingly adamant about chewing Aqua's head off for burning my face like that. In fact, she was so menacing in that moment, it was enough to make the demigod apologize and heal me. Maybe having a Devil King General for a friend ain't such a bad idea.

After my burns faded away thanks to Aqua's healing spell, I said to Wiz, "So basically, if there's even one general left alive out there in the world, the barrier protecting your boss' castle will still be up?"

"I wouldn't exactly call the Devil King my 'boss' per say, but, yes, the barrier will stay erect so long as there's at least one general still active."

The sound of cracking knuckles made me turn to Aqua, who suddenly switched back into murder mode while Wiz threw her hands up in surrender (funny considering how recent their roles were reversed).

"L-Lady Aqua, please, don't be so hasty!" sputtered Wiz. "I know what you're thinking, but you really don't have to kill me; the situation isn't nearly that black and white! Ever since Beldia's death, I could feel the strength of the barrier begin to falter. True, it will still be up so long as there's one of us left alive, but it will be severely weakened at that point. From there, it will no longer be impossible to penetrate compared to when it was at full power."

"Yeah, I figured," Aqua agreed as she took another menacing step forward. "But there's a huge bounty on the Devil King's generals, and I need to pay back my overdue bar tab, soooo..."

Jesus, how can an airheaded deity be more ruthless than me of all people? It's not fair I tell ya! I knew gods had it out for anything unholy and all, but holy hell is Aqua kicking it into high gear!

Wiz squeaked miserably, "B-b-b-but I'm not a threat…! All I wanted to do was open a magic shop, and the only requests the Devil King gave me was to maintain his barrier and keep my identity a secret! In fact, I'm so harmless, nobody's bothered to put a bounty on me!"

Aqua's shoulders sagged and her fists uncurled as her arms went slack.

"Really? Aww man, now how am I gonna pay back my debt!? The barkeep won't serve me drinks until I give him his money! What can I do, Jack, what can I do!?"

"You can join an Alcoholics Anonymous program."

"How will that help pay my bar tab!?"

I ignored the sobbing woman clinging on to my sleeve to ask Wiz an important question. "Hey, if you side with the bad guys yet you refuse to do anything bad, doesn't that technically make you a good guy?"

The Devil King General blinked (though it looked more like a wink because of the bangs covering her right eye) and slowly answered, "Oh, umm, yes, I am. At least, I like to think so anyway."

Great, just what I need in my life: more good guys to rain on my evil parade. It's almost like fate's trying to tell me something and I don't want to hear. I'm a bad guy, darn it, and nobody can say otherwise!

Focus, Jack, you still haven't asked Wiz your real question.

"Rrrright. In that case, why are you aligned with the Devil King in the first place? I mean, what are you, some kind of an oxymoron? Wait…is that how that word is used? I don't know, I got a D in English."

Wiz's visible eye darted down to the floor. She held onto her forearm with her hand as she stood there in silence. I was honestly having a hard time getting a read on the girl. Then again, I did spend most of my life interacting with the JackBots, and I never exactly built their faceplates to emote. So maybe I'm not the best guy to pick up on social cues.

Eventually, Wiz managed to lock eyes with me. Even though her bangs hid one of her eyes, I could practically feel both of them staring intensely into my soul. This is why I don't like people making eye contact with me.

"Mr. Spicer, I'm truly gratefully you and your companions decided to spare me and allow me to run my shop in peace. However, I'm afraid what you're asking is a touch too personal to disclose at this time. Please do not be insulted, I simply feel as though we aren't close enough for those kind of discussions yet."

Thankfully, her eyes softened and she broke contact with mine. I always feel like I'm being held hostage whenever someone maintains eye contact with me. It's not cool unless I'm purposefully doing it to them!

"But…" Wiz whispered, "Let's just say it ties into me becoming a lich and leave it at that. For now, anyway…"

Huh. Okay then. I guess it makes sense that an undead lich wouldn't be too comfortable spilling their life story with some rando. Eh, as long as she doesn't try to destroy my newly conquered world a million years from now, I don't really care.

"So that's it, then?" questioned Aqua. "We're just gonna let her go about her business like nothing's changed?"

I gave her a look. "I don't see why not. You heard the lady, she doesn't seem to care about snitching on the Devil King for us. So, in a way, she's on our side. AKA, the winning side."

Aqua stomped her foot like a child. "But wouldn't it make our lives so much easier if we end her now!? That's one less general we'd have to deal with!"

Already having enough of her psychopathic tendencies, I pulled the girl away from Wiz and we huddled so I could whisper to her.

"Look, I get where you're coming from, but right now, Wiz doesn't have any beef with us even though she really should. This is a rare opportunity for us; it's not every day we get to be buddy-buddy with a Devil King General. They say, 'keep your friends close and your enemies closer', so let's capitalize on that. Think of all the juicy insider knowledge she could share with us."

Aqua's mouth turned into a neutral thin line, and she moved it from side to side. Kinda like what I do when I'm mulling something over but I'm still not sure about it.

"Besides, even if we were able to storm the DK's castle right this second, we're still under-leveled. That, and we'd need a huge army of robots to back us up which, y'know, takes time."

"Can't you just, like, build a factory and mass-produce or something?"

"Oh, yeah, _sure,_ if you want to be soulless about it. Where's the love in doing that, huh?"

Aqua rolled her eyes at me, but she eventually relented. Satisfied with myself, we broke our huddle and gave Wiz big grins and thumbs-up. She seemed content and smiled softly at us.

And hey, while we're at it, might as well see if I can't convince her to teach me an exclusive Undead Skill. I did have points saved up and I did say I'd keep her around to help me in my quest for world domination. No time like the present!

"Say, Wiz, now that we're best chums and all, I was wondering if you could teach me one of your cool lich moves?"

Before she had a chance to respond, I yiped in pain as my was getting tugged by guess who.

"Oh no you don't, mister!" Aqua chided as she tugged harder. "I won't have you learning any dark arts. Not while I'm here!"

"OW! C'mon, Aquaaaa! It'll be really cool – OW! YOU'RE GONNA TEAR OFF MY EARLOBE!"

"Absolutely not! I am a goddess: I represent purity and holiness. Wiz may be our friend now, but she's anything but holy! If I allow you to learn a Skill from an Undead, I'd be failing at my job!"

Doesn't getting exiled from Heaven count as failing your job?

"So no, I forbid you from learning any and all spells from Wiz- -"

"If you make an exception, I'll buy you a steak dinner and some wine tonight. Deal?"

"Deal."

Double standards for the win! I rubbed my aching ear as I repeated the question to Wiz.

"Oh, uhm…Sure, it's the least I could do for you. What did you have in mind?"

I shrugged. "Dunno. Surprise me."

Wiz cupped her chin, humming in thought. She eyed me up and down until her attention was drawn to my forgotten bag of potions I had left on the ground.

"Hmm. I've noticed that whenever you stop, you tend to clear out my stock of mana restoration potions. I take it your mana pool is still fairly limited?"

"Don't remind me…But yeah, it's true. I've been told it increases for every Level you gain but I don't think it's gotten any bigger!"

"You could try grinding more often instead of letting your bots do all the work," Aqua snarked.

"I'm a scientist, not a caveman," I bit back. "Put a sock in it, woman."

Wiz continued, "In any case, I would be glad to teach you Drain Touch. It's a skill that absorbs and transfers an opponent's mana and constitution. The only drawback is that you have to make physical contact with the enemy in order for it to work. But if used wisely, it's an extremely versatile Skill!"

So basically, it's a better version of the Drain Life Force power from the Knights of the Old Republic games…

With a pitch like that, I'm sold! Now all I needed was for HK-47 to make an entertaining, homicidal quip and we'd be all set. That fictional droid is like my evil muse you know.

"Heck yeah, that sounds dope! Gimme, gimmie!"

"Now hold on, there's just one problem. In order to show you the Skill so it can appear on your card, I'll need an opponent…"

Instantly, I looked over to Aqua.

"Not in your wildest dreams, boy," she stated in a flat tone. "I may be turning a blind eye here, but I am _not_ going to be your guinea pig."

I waved her off as my attention went back to Wiz. "Eh, it's fine. If it means getting in tune with the Dark Side, I don't mind trading in a little energy. Drain away, girl!"

"A-ah. Alright, then…" relented the lich as she firmly but gently grasped my hands with hers. Despite being cold from the lack of body heat, they felt kinda…nice… "But I promise to only absorb a little. Drain Touch!"

A purple glow engulfed our hands and- -

" _gAH!_ "

"Jack!"

The second Wiz let go of me, I fell to the floor coughing my lungs. I felt severely nauseous and I would've thrown up if I wasn't so focused on keeping my breakfast down.

Aqua swooped in to help me get back on my feet. She lashed out at the lich, "What the hell you slimy undead creep!? You said you'd only drain a little of his energy!?"

Wiz was on the verge of tears as she defended herself. "I did! I only drained 1% of his overall energy before he collapsed on me! I didn't expect his magical defense to be that low!"

Aqua merely glared at her, causing the lich to look away in shame. In a very rare moment of what I guess was genuine selflessness, the goddess gave me a temporary buff to all my stats free of charge. "You feeling better, Jack?"

I just remember being stunned that she would do something like that while asking if I was alright. It's so out of character for her.

That, and…I wasn't normally used to this sort of treatment. Especially from her.

"Uh, yeah, I feel better now," I answered while rubbing my head. "Thanks?"

"No problem!" she cheerfully replied, reverting back to her usual self. "I told you that you need to level up more. You must be really weak if losing 1% of your strength was too much for you to handle!"

For some reason, her jab right there didn't sting all that much. Either she was just being playful or I was beginning to develop a thicker skin for insults. She's so dense sometimes that it's honestly hard to tell if she means it or not.

Wiz apologized nonstop as I nodded and acquired the Drain Touch Skill for myself. Hopefully with this new spell, I won't have to account for mana potions in my budget anymore! It may be watered down due to it being a cross-class Skill, but I think I can still get some good milage out of it. Now I just need someone with a high source of power to drain and I can finally get to work on building a proper evil lair!

Good thing Aqua is a heavy sleeper.

A bell ringing popped my daydream bubble as some old-timer entered the shop.

"Excuse me, is Miss Wiz available?"

* * *

My Evil Posse and I stood outside the front gates of the mansion with Attack Squad Sigma (plus the four new JackBots I built) hovering patiently behind us.

To make a long story short, the old man who visited Wiz's shop was the landlord of a high-income mansion in the far corner of town. He explained that spirits were haunting it and he asked Wiz to help exorcise them. He claimed no matter how often he did it himself, more spirits would fill up the mansion by nightfall.

Sprouting the idea lightbulb at the same time, Aqua and I badgered the old geyser into letting us do it in exchange for permanent residence there. Rent free, of course. After enough pestering, he reluctantly agreed. But he was also adamant about us chasing away the spirits for good or no free mansion. If there's one thing I was good at, it was making ghosts want to get away from me, so I wasn't worried.

In fact, the moment Aqua and I walked out of the shop, we celebrated prematurely with our own little victory dances. I choose to Do the Robot, naturally.

When told Megumin and Darkness the news, they were just as stoked as we were. So, we all packed our personal belongings around evening and made our way to the mansion, which brings us to the present. It was fairly similar to my mansion back home on Earth: two-stories tall, huge brick wall for a perimeter, freshly cut grass, a few trees, shrubbery, the works.

Finally, after sleeping in stables for way too long, I was finally moving back into a mansion, my happy place!

"Hah, it's beautiful I tell ya! Goodbye smelly stables and _helloooo_ Spicer Mansion II!"

Megumin shot me a curious glance. "Spicer Mansion II? What ever happened to Spicer Mansion I?"

"Oh, that was my old home back on Earth. Well, technically my home-away-from-home but that's where I spent the other half of my childhood."

The small fry gaped at me like a fish that found out it was adopted. "…You used to live in a mansion and never told us!?"

"Yup, it had me evil lair in it and everything," I said while ignoring the baffled noises coming out of her mouth. "Although this one's pretty close to the first. Hey, maybe if I'm lucky, there'll even be a basement where I can set up my new base of operations!"

Unfortunately, the annoying blue thing standing beside me jumped at the chance to mock me as she snickered, "I see you're deadest on returning to you shut-in, hikikomori roots. Guess you've done enough socializing for one lifetime, huh~?"

"Okay, that's it, what have I told you about pushing my buttons already!?"

Before we could have a go at ripping each other apart again, Darkness interrupted, "Settle down you two. Technically speaking, the place isn't ours unless we exorcise the spirits and anymore that come in."

Aqua apparently forgot about me entirely as she switched back to her happy dumb self. "Don't worry guys! I'm a certified Archpriest _and_ a goddess; I'm basically like an anti-undead expert! Lemme just work my magic and uncover what paranormal activities are afoot."

Raising her sparkly hands in the air in front of her, Aqua closed her eyes and began to explain to us – in great detail – about every ghost currently haunting the mansion. Seriously, she gave us each spirit's life story like she had known them personally. Needless to say, I lost interest quick and I motioned for the JackBots to follow me into the building. I glanced back just to make sure if Darkness and Megumin were following, and I was glad to see they were. I guess even they have their limits when it comes to dealing with that chump.

Once we made it inside the foyer, we instantly noticed how dusty the house was. It looked like no one had lived in here for years! Maybe that's what drew the ghosts here in the first place.

Darkness hummed, "Well, this simply won't do. If we plan on moving in, we're going to have to give this place a thorough cleaning."

Megumin sighed, "I'll go find where they keep the cleaning supplies…"

Smirking, I snapped my fingers, the JackBots instantly hovering around me and causing the two girls to watch in what had to be curious awe.

"Oh boys? Would you mind giving this place the patented Spicer Mansion Routine Dusting?"

"You didn't even have to ask, sir," said JB-CUPC4K3 before he and the rest of the bots retracted their claws in favor of feather duster fingers. Soon my boys split up around the house to start dusting, with CUPC4K3 staying behind to get the foyer.

Sensing the stunned wonderment coming from Megumin and Darkness, I grinned at them as I seized the opportunity to toot my own horn.

"The standard JackBot unit has the distinct advantage of being very versatile. While a robot made to fill a specific niche is better off in the long run, my boys here are equipped to handle most things, whether stressful or mundane."

It took a moment for any of them to respond, but it was ultimately my young evil apprentice who broke the silence first. "Your golems are so fucking cool, man…"

"MEGUMIN! _Language/Robots!_ "

Dark and I stared at each other for a sec after talking at the same time before our attention went back to the mage.

"Wha – C'mon Darkness!" cried an indignant Megumin. "I'm legally an adult, I'm allowed to curse if I want! Hell, I've done it before and I'm doing it right now! Besides, you let Jack away with it."

"That is true. Perhaps I should teach him to be a little more mindful of his mouth," Darkness said as she eyed me. "Regardless, that word in particular is a bit much for you to use, even if you are 13. Hell and damn and such are not as bad, admittedly, but I don't like the idea of you using that vulgar word so freely in your daily lexicon."

The Crimson Demon pulled down the brim of her hat and looked away from the Crusader. "First you won't let me drink, now you're scolding me for my language. I'd just wish you'd all stop seeing me as a kid already and treat me like an equal…"

Darkness looked like she didn't know what to say. I don't blame her, I didn't know what to say either. I wasn't expecting things to get so real all of a sudden. First that one moment of genuine kindness from Aqua, now these two are having a heart-to-heart? I thought I was running a circus here, not a poetry slam.

At any rate, the blonde knight seemed to figure out how to proceed. She stepped forward to the girl and carefully placed a hand on her shoulder. Megumin slowly lifted her hat just enough to peek up at Darkness and see her smiling softly.

"You are an equal, Megumin, that's never changed. I understand I may across as a little overbearing to you, but that's only because I don't want your life to end up in the gutter before it has a chance to truly begin. I thought I knew everything when I was your age, but here I am now: 19 and still learning new things. People never really stop growing…"

Megumin shifted from foot to foot, still looking unsure of herself.

"Tell you what, next time we have alcohol with our meals, I'll allow you a small cup. I recommend that as every alcoholic beverage has an acquired taste and you may not like some. That and I don't want to risk you getting inebriated – !?"

Darkness was cut off by an ecstatic half-pint hugging her and jumping up and down while thanking her relentlessly. The older woman chuckled lightly at the reaction and hugged her back.

Okay, I'm a third wheel and this was getting too cutesy for my liking. So I turned around and excused myself out.

"Welp, I'm gonna go check out our new digs and maybe pick a room to crash in. Night, Megumin. Night, Dark."

"Hey, wait a minute!"

Already done with this, I sighed and looked back to address Megumin. "What?"

"I've been wondering, how come you came up with a nickname for Darkness but not for me or Aqua?"

"Listen, I'd call you 'Meg' for short, but that'd be too cruel, even for me."

"How would calling me Meg be cruel?"

"You wouldn't get it," I answered plainly, speaking immediately after as to not give her a chance to further question it. "Besides, I don't know about you, but 'Darkness' can be a bit of a mouthful to say every single time. That's why I sometimes shorten it to 'Dark' in order to make things easier on me. Well, that and because it's cool to say."

Since we were discussing Dark, the woman herself began to blush from being the center of attention. That's normally well and dandy, but something about the way she blushed seemed different somehow. I may be overthinking it, but that didn't look like her usual "I'm horny" blush. Instead it looked more like a "I'm being complimented" blush. Not that I'd know what that looks like, but that's what it felt to me anyway.

"What do you think about all this?" Megumin asked the flustered blonde, snapping her back into reality.

"Huh? Oh, err, I…do not see anything wrong with Jack calling me D-Dark for short. In fact, I too find the nickname…c-cool…"

The "adult" Archwizard shrugged her shoulders and made her way down a nearby wall. "Suit yourself. I'm gonna go find a room to call my own. Take care!"

Now that it was just the two of us, we really didn't know what should be said (if anything). So we just kinda stood there for a while, awkwardly. JB-CUPC4K3 had just about finished dusting the foyer and was preparing to fly down a hallway.

"I'll…go make sure the bots have everything under control, yeah?"

"Y-Yes, that sounds reasonable."

"Dope…Soooo…Catch ya later, Dark?"

The Crusader gazed upwards at me before a small smile found its way onto her lips. "Yes, I will 'catch you later' as well, Jack."

Feeling my own cheeks heat up, I quickly spun around and followed my robot down into the dusty hallway. What was up with her? In fact, what was up with my whole party recently? Ever since we took that Snow Sprite kill quest, they've been acting kinda different. They still behave like their weird selves, but they also seem a little more…human? Like, they're only just now starting to act like real people?

I dunno man, I've hung out with robots all my life; understanding how they're programmed is way easier in my opinion. The human brain is life's most complicated supercomputer, and I just don't have the skillset to hack it.

At any rate, while everyone was out picking their rooms and the JackBots were dusting everything, I decided to get a good layout of my new crib. The bedrooms were all plain and simple, but serviceable enough I suppose. The living room had a nice tall ceiling, windows, a couch, a dining table, and a cozy fireplace inside a chimney. Although that last attraction was a moot point given how this world has no Santa to climb down it. Looks like I wouldn't be getting coal for Christmas this time. Real shame, too, I worked so hard to get on the Naughty List this year…

Well, anyway, there was also a roomy kitchen to work in, as well as several pointless rooms that only rich people like us can afford. Along with the occasional robot passing by it was already starting to feel like home.

After my homesickness was finally cured, I managed to hit the MEpot yet again: a door to a cellar! The door squeaked painfully when I opened it, but that didn't deter me from going in. My HeliBot extended a mechanical arm with a built-in flashlight to help me see better as I descended down the brick stairs. The walls were lined with unlit candle holders that I'm fairly sure haven't had their wax changed in a long time. Not that that matters much, candles will become obsolete as soon as I install electrical wiring.

I soon made it down the stairs and into a wide open, rectangular room. There were rows of shelves arranged in a maze-like pattern, with each one containing cubby holes for dark-colored bottles. In the far right hand corner sat large wooden kegs. It didn't take long for me to piece together just what kind of cellar this was.

Either way, this underground area was the right size and width to construct my second evil lair, baby! I snickered evilly to myself at the thought as I crossed between the rows of shelves.

Suddenly, from behind one of the rows, a shadowy figure jumped out while making karate noises. My evil snickering quickly morphed into sissy screaming, which then, in turn, caused the assailant to scream similarly. My HeliBot arm shined the flashlight to reveal whoever was in the shadows.

"Aqua!?"

The water goddess shielded her face with her arms and irritably yelled, "Quit shinning that in my eyes!"

I lowered my light to the ground just enough to illuminate her pissed off expression. "I swear, one of these days you're gonna make me go deaf," she muttered while rubbing her ears with her finger. "What are you even doing down here?"

"I could be asking you the same thing. Also, WHY DID YOU JUMP OUT LIKE THAT!?"

"BECAUSE I HEARD SOMEONE SNICKERING AND THOUGHT IT WAS AN EVIL SPIRIT, DUMBASS!"

Aqua pushed her ragged hair out of her face after that outburst and sighed. "After you guys so _rudely_ left me outside, I came inside to begin exorcising the spirits. Seriously, you sound like a creepy ghost when you do that snickering thing."

"Huh. Well, I guess all that practicing in the mirror finally paid off then!"

"Normally, I'd slap you. But not even you can ruin the good mood that I'm in." The Archpriest cradled a bottle she was holding in her arms like it were an infant. "Mama found herself the treasure of a lifetime. Do you know what this is, Jack?"

"Uh…wine?"

Aqua was quick to gasp like she was offended and she smooshed the drink right up against her cheek.

"Uncultured swine! This is no ordinary wine – oh no – this is a rare, exquisite wine that was discontinued about a decade ago. The best part? There's others just like it all in here!"

Oh joy. We've got a wine snob in the house. Perfect.

She rubbed her face along the bottle's glossy surface and sighed in content. "Once I'm done cleansing this house of ghosts, I'm gonna hop into a nice hot bubble bath. Then, I'm gonna get changed into some warm pajamas and take leisurely sips of this in my new bed~"

If this were any other girl talking about taking a bath and changing clothes, I might've crumbled under sexual frustration. But seeing how this was Aqua…Yeah, not doing it for me, even if she is supernaturally beautiful. What a paradox.

So with a "Have fun with that," I turned tail and jogged back upstairs. I also sent a direct message to every JackBot unit ordering them to file into the cellar to go to sleep mode once they were done cleaning the house. Sadly, they'll only get in the way of flushing out the ghosts. But at least we've got our resident goddess/Archpriest on the job, so I'm not worried.

Once I made it into the bedroom I claimed for myself, I locked the door to maintain my well-respected privacy before shedding my coat, shoes, and pants. I was feeling lazy and threw my googles, wrist device, and HeliBot all on top of the clothes pile I made. Now it was just me standing alone in my Frankenstein's Monster tee and skull boxers.

"You deserve the freedom, Jack. You deserve it…"

With sluggish movements, I fell onto my comfy new bed and exhausted the last of my energy to flip myself over on my back. The moment I realized this would be my new room, I think all the stress I had melted away, suddenly leaving me tired as hell. I yawned as I put my hands behind my head, too sleepy to bother extinguishing the lit candles in my room. Now I could finally relax in peace. Just me and my thoughts to keep me company.

…

How do I feel about Darkness? What kind of random thought was that!? There's nothing to feel: she's a horny jock trapped inside of a female knight's hourglass body. That's it. End of story. Let's move on.

…

Of course it's not love, don't be stupid, subconscious! _At best,_ it would be a puppy crush, but even that's stretching it. If all my time pining over Chase Young has taught me anything, it's that love leads to physical and emotional pain. And I already get enough of that in my normal day-to-day life, so I don't see any point in looking for a relationship anytime soon.

…

Well yeah, no shit Dark isn't like Chase. Dark is a bottom while Chase is clearly a top.

…

Oh. Well…I'm still dubious on letting myself become completely vulnerable around her. Same goes for Aqua and Megumin. I kinda slipped up after my near-death experience with the Winter Shogun; my emotions got the better of me again. But just to be safe, I should still try to keep those girls at arm's length in the off chance they dump me. They may be the longest team I've managed to keep intact, but Murphey's law doesn't care. It's always active in my life, and I have the "luck" stat to prove it.

Look…I'm just trying not to set my hopes and expectations too high this time…That's all.

* * *

I didn't realize I had fallen asleep until I opened my eyes and saw that the room was dark. The candles must've gone out at some point during the night. The mansion was as quiet as a church mouse and I'd lost all sense of time.

Although my bodily clock did tell me it was just about time for nature to call, so that's probably what woke me up. I made an attempt to sit up when something out of the corner of my eye made me stop all together.

Sitting alone, in a chair, where the moonlight barely reached, there sat a little girl's doll that I knew for a fact was not there before.

With my childhood instincts kicking in, I quickly faced away from it and hid myself under the sheets. It took all the willpower I had to hold in my bladder and not scream. The heat from the covers mixed with the engulfing anxiety made me sweat bullets. I did my best to quiet my breathing as it was beginning to grow louder and more rapid with each passing second.

This couldn't be happening. This literally _could not_ be happening! It was just this year I finally conquered my fear of the dark and now THIS has to go and happen!? I've seen Child's Play, I know where this is going! I don't want to die like a dumb horror movie character! Please oh please just let this be a bad dream- -

It was subtle, but I distinctly felt new weight being added on my mattress. My pumping heart dropped to my stomach. With shaky hands, I lifted up the covers as slowly as humanly possible.

Several new dolls surrounded me at every angle.

I didn't even bother unlocking the door to get out; I put a Jack-shaped hole through it as I screamed bloody murder and cheesed it! I never looked back, instead I focused on making random, abrupt turns to shake off any dolls that could be following. Unfortunately, my strategy soon backfired the moment I collided with a hard object and fell flat on my ass. Despite having the wind knocked out of me, I miraculously managed to hold my bladder in.

" _Augh!_ "

Wait a minute – I recognized the sound of that voice; and I recognized those glowing red eyes too!

"Megumin?"

"Ow…Yeah it's me – what the hell was that for, Jack!?"

I got up off the floor and helped get the kid back onto her feet. She was out of her day outfit and wearing light red pajamas. "Uh, sorry? Just running from murderous dolls is all, heh-heh, aahh…"

Megumin's crimson eyes widen the moment I mentioned murderous dolls. "Really? Same here. I woke up to find them crawling all over my room. I-I was going to look for Aqua or Darkness and ask them to help me find the bathroom…But I got lost. We probably should've let each other know where we were beforehand."

The other two must be out exorcising the spirits. Err, scratch that, Aqua is likely the only one who's doing that. Pretty sure Dark is somewhere begging for the ghosts to possess her as a form of humiliation or something.

"Oh, well what a coinkydink: I was looking for the bathroom too before I got jumped by those haunted dolls."

Megumin gave me a look of scrutiny (and boy do I _never_ get tired of those). "I thought you said that you weren't afraid of ghosts? That you even worked with them?"

"Regular ghosts I can handle just fine. But ghosts possessing creepy porcelain dolls? Noooo thank youuuu!"

Lazily shrugging, Megumin gazed downward before asking, "Say, if it's alright with you, would you mind helping me look for the b-bathroom please? Y'know, since we both need to go and all…P-plus, there's strength in numbers!"

Hmm, risk getting ambushed alone by haunted dolls or sacrifice my high standards on privacy? Why do you gotta make me choose like this, universe!?

"… _Ugh,_ alright fine, you've made your point. C'mon, I have a notoriously weak bladder, so let's find the bathroom already."

Nodding, Megumin took the rear as we crept through the halls to find try and locate the john. I wouldn't admit it to her, but I was actually somewhat thankful I bumped into the Crimson Demon like I did. I'm at my wits end as is, so having some company to keep me from completely caving into fear was sorta comforting.

"Hey, Jack? You have some experience with ghosts, right?" asked Megumin.

"A little, yeah…"

"Then why do you reckon they all like to congregate here in particular?"

I sighed, "I don't know, Megumin. If I had to wager a guess, I'd say ghosts just have this innate desire to haunt mansions. I know Wuya couldn't get enough of my crib back home, and there's tons of video games with haunted mansions in them. Maybe ghosts just want to live the good life they never got, I don't know."

The wizard hummed to herself but didn't say anything else. Eventually, we managed to finally locate the bathroom, the door to which was wide open and welcoming.

However, before I could make in, I felt hand grab onto my wrist.

"A gentleman always lets the lady go first," Megumin stated plainly.

"Too bad I ain't a gentleman," I plainly stated back.

There was a moment of peace and silence between us. That went out the window soon enough as we devolved into kicking, scratching, and biting each other over who gets dibs on the bathroom. Our scuffle got so intense, it even formed a dust cloud around us just like in the cartoons. The JackBots must've missed a spot when they were first dusting.

I felt a sharp pain shoot up from my shin as I fell to the ground and tendered to it. The twerp kicked me in the shin! I was going to return the favor, but once the dust cloud settled, I couldn't find her. Once I heard the door to the bathroom slam shut, I knew I was too late.

Refusing to admit defeat, I banged on the door and shouted, "MEGUMIN! You come out there right now and let me go first! I don't think I can hold it any longer!"

"I'm sorry!" I heard her shout from behind the door. "But _I_ need to go more! I'm sure there's another bathroom somewhere if you just keep looking! I believe in you!"

"Maybe you believe in me, BUT MY BLADDER SURE DOESN'T! NOW OPEN UP!"

I kept banging at the door for a while in spite of the girl's protests, but I eventually had to give up and cut my loses. If I don't find a bathroom soon, there was going to be a mess for the JackBots to clean up. And I did not want to subject them to that!

Flipping off the brat hiding behind the door, I scurried through the halls of the mansion, trying to think of dry thoughts in the meantime. Megumin had to be right, a huge house like this always has to have more than one bathroom; I mean, my own mansion had a total of four! If I just keep looking and keep thinking about eating saltine crackers in the desert, I'm sure I'll find- -

My heart threatened to claw its way out of my throat as I spotted a group of moving dolls at the left intersection of a new hallway. They weren't facing my direction yet, so, without thinking, I ducked inside a nearby supply closet and shut the door as quietly as possible. Scooting back as far as I could, I hugged my knees as a means of both comforting myself and holding in my bursting bladder. I could hear the pitter-patter of the dolls' feet moving across the hall I was just in and approaching my hiding spot.

Well…This was it, wasn't it? My second chance at life, and it ends with me silently crying in a supply closet on the verge of pissing myself as living dolls come to get me. Hey, didn't I piss myself when I died in Hong Kong? Why is that the constant? I mean, it's marginally better than evacuating my bowels, but still.

More footsteps were fast approaching and I could see shadows closing in from underneath the door. I closed my eyes and waited with bated breath.

That's when I felt a tickle on my nose. I snuck a peak to see what was causing the tickling. It was a spider suspended in the air on a string of web.

Now, the next few seconds were a bit hazy, but I distinctly recall a lot of supplies getting thrashed around on top of screaming: lots and lots of screaming. Either way, the next thing I knew, I was lying on the ground outside of a wrecked closet surrounded by a bunch of motionless dolls.

"Jack!?" x3

When I weakly lifted my head, I saw all three of the girls crowding over me including that rat fink Megumin. Darkness had one of those portable candle holders on her and it lit the hallway were in. Aqua was shaking her hand like it hurt and looked down strangely at me.

"What were you doing in that closet?" she asked with what I was positive was a hint of attitude in her tone.

I tried to explain how I got in there to begin with, but I had so much trouble getting the words out that I gave up and just said, "Shut up…"

"Hey – that is no way to speak to a goddess! Especially one who just exorcised all the spirts inhabiting those dolls around you."

"Wha…?"

Darkness elaborated, "It's true, I was aiding Aqua in exorcising the ghosts when Megumin found us saying she spotted possessed dolls in the area. We all came as fast as we could and Aqua used her powers to rip the souls from within the dolls' bodies and purify them. Then we heard screaming and crashing coming from the closet and out you popped!"

Megumin, rubbing her arm in a nervous manner, scrunched her face as she added, "Jack, I'm…I'm so sorry for tricking you like that. If I didn't steal the bathroom from you, you wouldn't have to go look for another one by yourself…and those dolls wouldn't have cornered you like they did. I almost got you seriously hurt or worse, and I don't think I can forgive myself for that. However…"

The Crimson Demon actually went as far as to bow her head before finishing, "I only hope that you can find it within yourself to forgive me. I'll understand if you don't."

Wow, uh…I never imagined she would be that guilty over jacking the toilet (pun not intended that time). But, hey, it could've been a lot worse: she could've let the kingdom's government take me away under false pretenses. Y'know, just one of many hypotheticals that comes to mind. Always gotta prepare for the worst, right?

"H-Hey, we're still cool, M-bomb; water off a duck's back, y'know?"

Thankfully, it seemed that was enough to prevent a meltdown from the kid as she stared at me before parroting, " 'M-bomb'?"

"Yeah, you said I never gave you a nickname, so I just gave you one: M-bomb. Like an A-bomb, but with an M for Megumin."

Megumin continued to stare at me with an unreadable face (well, unreadable for me, anyway). But eventually, the cracks started to show as a smile threatened to break out before she went into a giggle fit. I guess I'll take it as a sign that she likes her new nickname. Even though I just came up with it on the spot, I gotta admit, it's pretty fitting.

Once she settled down, she beamed brightly at me. "Thanks, Jack."

"Hey, does this mean I get a nickname?" Aqua asked.

"No, you don't need one."

"What!? Why you rotten little- -"

Dark interrupted the blue thing's rant by asking out loud, "Pardon me, but does anyone else smell…urine?"

The other two girls took a moment to sniff the air before promptly covering their noses. All three slowly glanced back down to where I was lying at. Hot shame washed all over me the instant I registered the damp area in my pants. In that moment, I really did wish the dolls got to me first instead of the girls.

"I-I'll go get ch-changed now…"

* * *

Morning came along and Aqua and I were at the guild to collect the special reward money for permanently clearing out the ghosts in _our_ new mansion. That's right, the not-so-useless goddess worked a little of her literal magic and blessed the house to prevent future hauntings. So not only do we get to live in it as part of our arrangement with the landlord, but we also get to make bank on a quest which just so happened to ask for the same thing! Apparently, it had been put on the board for a while, but nobody was brave or willing enough to take it.

I mean, I probably wouldn't have taken it either if I didn't have Aqua around, but that's neither here nor there.

Out of morbid curiosity, I asked Luna why she thought so many ghosts liked to haunt that place as I counted the moolah. The receptionist then laid down this little piece of wisdom on me:

"Well, it actually doesn't have to do with the house itself. The issue has something to do with the nearby graveyard. It seems somebody put a massive magical barrier around it as a prank. With nowhere else to go, the spirits must've settled for the nearest empty house."

Time out. By graveyard, did Luna mean the one my party and I first met Wiz in? The one where she spent her nights guiding lost souls before Aqua…took…over…

I checked back with my current partner, who was unusually quiet for once. When I excused us from Luna, I took her to a secluded corner before demanding answers.

"Got something you want to share with the class, Aqua?"

The girl absentmindedly poked her fingers together. Her eyes wide as dinner plates and she spoke softly. "So, uh, you remember when I promised Wiz I'd exorcise the graveyard for her? Well, doing that meant I would have to go out there every single night. Soooo, I figured I could just block the spirits from gathering there altogether. They would get bored, leave, and I wouldn't have to drag myself out of bed every night. So I…y'know…did just that…heh."

Hmmm. Now only a jerk would be so willing to accept a reward for fixing a problem that was caused by his associate. Hmmm.

"We'll take the money anyway, but seriously, you can't keep pulling stunts like this again in the future. Are we clear?"

It was so and barely noticeable, but she did nod. "Crystal…"


End file.
